Lesson 9- A very important line from Kevin Smith's "Dogma" (restated by a character played by Alan Rickman)

           Snape and Dumbledore were walking down the hall when the door to Lupin's quarters sprung open, with a sniffling Phineas Flitwick trudged out.

            "Professor Flitwick?" Dumbledore said stunned "Are you alright?"

            Flitwick didn't answer he nodded and walked down the hall, whimpering.

Instead of a photo album, Flitwick brought out all of his collection of teeth from his dead uncles and aunts.  It was more efficient.  Goblins did have a tendency to whack each other off. Apparently there wasn't a dry eye in the house.  Everyone who entered Remus Lupin's room left bawling hysterically.  It was a good thing Snape wasn't his friend.

Flitwick sniffled "I have to go send a letter to my mother.  Excuse me. I'll be all right.  Not like poor brave Remus.  What will he ever tell his mother?"

            Snape shrugged.

            "It appears that Mr. Lupin is not quite himself.  Perhaps we should get someone cheerier," Dumbledore said wisely.

            "I'm not going in there.  People cry when they come out," Snape said.

            "I was suggesting Madame Hooch," Dumbledore said.

            "Her?  But she's annoying."

            "But she'll put Remus in good spirits."

            Madame Hooch, who had very little contact with the DaDA teacher, sat quietly.  But she wasn't all bad.  There was a rumor that Hooch had tried to become an animagus, but had gotten a little lost along the way.  She ended up not changing back for a good while.  Her birdy eyes were kind of unsettling to anyone who didn't know her.  Not to mention the little head jerks.

            "This is Darjeeling?  It tastes a little off."

            "Decaffienated."  Remus smiled.

            Hooch grabbed a macaroon and rolled it in her mouth.

            Remus took a sip.

            "So I heard you had a bit of a roll around with another bloke, eh?"

            Remus blushed, "More cookies?"

            "Like I care. Phaw.  Look, if you're a good wizard and the kids like you, well, I can overlook things. You're supposed to overlook things.  That's the way things used to be.  We're English."

            "It is shocking."

            "No." Hooch handed him the plate, he was about to take one when she moved it, "But I won't forgive you if your chap wasn't as handsome as the devil."

            Remus looked away. "He was… is."  Remus's eyes began glazing over.

            "I see it.  Oh, Remus. Don't cry little friend."  Hooch patted him.

            "He was the only man I was ever with."

            "A handsome chap like you?  Rubbish. You look like that American doctor show hero.[1] You're a sweet boy."

            "I just was… a joke to him."

            "It was his fault if he left you.  They all leave."

            "He had to leave. It was a matter of life and death."

            "They all say they have to leave, too."  Hooch frowned.

            McGonagall dried her tears.

            "I was supposed to meet Remus for tea," McGonogall whimpered

            "Madam Hooch is in there," Dumbledore said.

            "She's covering for you," Snape said.  Dumbledore sighed at Snape's caustic remark.

            "Thank God."  McGonogall shook her head.  "I'll be off to the Owl Post."

            "Well, I see Mr. Lupin will feel better."

            Madame Hooch was blustering.

            Hooch said eating a macaroon.  "Oh. I know that speech too well.  It's all my career.  I don't have time for another person in my life.  I need some alone time. It's not you; it's me.  You're a lovely woman… But what they really mean is I'm off to boff off this 22 year old chick."  Hooch scowled.  "Hand me those marshmallows, Remus."

            Snape looked at Dumbledore and whispered, "She had a fellow. I always thought she played for the other team."

            "What?"

            "You know, the other team.  The …all girls Quidditch—oh you know I'm not good at double entendre. I thought she was a lesbian…"

            "Do not eavesdrop, Severus."

            Hooch exited the door.

            Snape and Dumbledore pretended they were having a conversation.

            "So I think that will be excellent for a Goblin repellant, Severus."

            "I'm glad you approve Headmaster Dumbledore."

            Hooch shouted into the room,            "You take care, me boy.  Thank you for the marshmallows."

            "No problem, Xiomora.[2]"

            Hooch took one tight look at Snape and Dumbledore.

            "Men! Gay, Straight, Bi, Thai, all you can think about is yourselves.  Ooh, I could just…"

            She tore the bag like an angry parrot. The marshmallows exploded all over the place.

            "Remus, you find yourself a sweet girl.  I'm going to class."

            "All you men are the same." Hooch's vicious eyes flashed, absolutely cruel.

            Headmaster Dumbledore, in his wisdom and experience, knew better than to cross that boundary.  When a woman said that men were all the same, you nodded quietly and hoped she left the room before she hit you.

            "Except for Mr. Lupin, I take it," Snape whispered.

            Dumbledore shook his head.

 ***

            "Are there any questions? On how to finish the Engorging Potion?"

            Dennis Creevey raised his hand.

            "Mr. Creevey?"      

"Why are you wearing a steak over your eye? Is it a part of the spell?"

            "I am wearing this for two reasons. One because of the lovely black eye, given to me by Madam Hooch."
            "Cool." Jerry Jenkins nodded.

            "What's the second reason?"

"Dennis, how old are you?" Snape came unusually close to him.

            "Twelve."

            "The second reason is very important and you must remember this all your days.  When you're all grown up."

            Dennis nodded.

            "Women are insane.  Now let us move on…"

Lesson 10:

The owlrey was buzzing with activity. Students and faculty were immediately inspired by Remus's personal struggle to declare all their true feelings and forgive all misunderstandings.  Padma and Parvati came together even though Padma had in Parvati's strange universe tried to steal her new boyfriend (though the Hufflepuff didn't even realize that Parvati liked him, seeing as they had never spoken.)  Amanda and Roger Davies had a tearful reunion (even though Amanda had told Mum all about the little incident with the Hufflepuff girl Bridget Evanson.) 

"Dear Mum, Sorry I ate Binky. Let's have lunch sometime, Bonko Flickwit."

"Dear Mum.  Sorry for… well, 1982 onwards," Fred was sheepishly scribbling "it won't happen again.  We're naming our new magical whoopee cushion teddy after you.  The Molly Bear!"

George blew his nose."We have a good Mum,"  He said tearfully.

Ron came in and gave his two brothers and bear hug "I love you idiots."

"Ron. Our little brother."

In his office, Dumbledore wiped the corner of his eyes. "Aberforth.  This is Bussie.  I'm sorry I referred to your lovely Euthimalea as your 'Pet' goat, She is a very lovely creature. Please forgive me. Your Brother Albus."

Snape looked into the room.

"Yes. Severus."

"I am writing to my brother.  Severus, there are some events that make you re-evaluate your priorities."

Severus stepped back "Oh my God.  You had tea with Professor Lupin.  You've become one of them."

"Oh Severus.  He is in a very pitiful situation. Even if it is… strange…."

"No no no.  You aren't brainwashing me.  He's a crackpot.  I'm not listening to you."

"Now Severus."

"You're going to start convincing me he is pregnant.  That Sirius is the father.  The Ghosts are planning to go out and find Black.  The Bloody Baron is leading a lynching party.  The Fat Friar is boiling ghost tar and Sir Nicholas is plucking all the ghost chickens on the grounds. I don't know how effective it would be against Black unless he was a ghost.  But it's the gesture that counts."

"That is almost amusing," Dumbledore said.  "Remus is one of the favorite teachers at the school."

"All the house elves keep erasing the horrible messages on Remus's door. Somehow they changed the last word into 'Strawberry Torte'  I don't know how."

"That is impressive.  I always thought House elves couldn't read very well."

            "I'm going to get out of here."  This place is insane."

*****

            Remus was invited to Mrs. Sprout's quarters.  He had trouble finding the entrance into Hufflepuff.  The stairs lead him about in the wrong direction for ten minutes.  Then he couldn't even find the secret passage.  It wasn't until some first years pulled the big red lever under the tall statue of Helga Hufflepuff that Remus could make his way into Hufflepuff.  He was rather embarrassed.  You didn't need a password or secret entrance when all Providence and Coincidence seemed to protect you.

            He finally arrived.

            "The stairs always are moving around.  Especially when no one is looking."

            "Well thank you for inviting me."  Remus smiled.

Mrs. Sprout handed him a basket.

"Oh, you're not getting enough vegetables.  You eat those.  It will help with back aches, heart burn, all the typical complications."

If anyone would have something to say about any question of morality, it would be Sprout.  She was the oldest teacher there other than Binns.  He hadn't looked forward to this visit.

"I couldn't leave a former student out in the cold when he's in his hour of need."

"I thought some of the older teachers would balk if it were after hearing my situation."

"It's not the first time that this has happened, poppet, no.  Oh dear.  I remember when you were here.  There was a young Ancient Runes Professor, I think.  She wasn't 22 and a little bun in the oven. But Dumbledore, bless him, he set her up in the finest hospital."

            "But the circumstances are a bit strange…"

"Remus Lupin, I've been a teacher for 50 years including the 60's.  Nothing is strange anymore.  I can spot a boy whose a little light in the loafers thirty miles away.  And the way you used to carry a torch for Mr. Potter, you weren't fooling anyone."

"Really?"

"Oh yes.  I was surprised it took you so long to figure out.  It must have been your condition," Sprout said "People flirt more in herbology than they do even in potions class.  Trust me.  Stephen Pembroke and Sirius Black found no less than four hundred different phallic vegetables."

Remus smirked, "I remember some of those."

"You get older and then it becomes less important." Sprout said

            "Well yes." Remus said.

"Shocking scandal it is. Having a baby and not even marrying the bloke.  A few hundred years ago they would have found that rogue and given him a wand lashing. 'Course you can't get married under Muggle Law.  Muggles are absolutely ridiculous sometimes.  That's why you've got to buck up. For the baby's sake."

"Yes."

"Hmmm, sweethearts come and go. But the real things last."

           Sprout poured him tea.

"Oh, who is this?"  Remus looked at the picture on the coffee table.

"That is Mister Allen Mossberry.  An excellent Muggle gentleman, he has been calling on me ever since I changed Nurseries to get my rare orchids and man eating plants. Venomous Tentaculas.  He named a lily after me."  The witch let out a pleasant chuckle.  "The finest man, wizard or no, since Mister Sprout, that I have ever met. Every fortnight I drive a muggle car down to his shop to buy my flowers."

The picture was of the two of them the previous year in Alahambra, one at the Taj Mahal in the early eighties.  There was even one of Mrs. Sprout and Mr. Mossberry at the Eiffel Tower in 1974.

"I think I saw him.  Long moustache.  Bright blue eyes, always wore coveralls."

"Oh, he's a persistent one.  Over 30 years."

 "Oh that's so wonderful."

            "He even asked for my hand in marriage.  I had the honor of turning it down. Twice.  I love that man."

            "But you love him?  That's wonderful.  Why didn't you marry him then?" 

"Oh, but it would never work out. I'm a widow."

            "Well, that means that you don't have a husband. If you love him, why didn't you go for it?"

"I could never…  I'm a witch and he's a muggle."

"And he never caught on all these years that you were a witch?"

"I could never tell him I'm a witch.  He thinks I'm a Unitarian from San Francisco."

"Thirty years and he never figured out?"

"In our day and age we were polite.  We didn't go poking around.  Like the tabloids with Miss Spencer and Prince Wills, and Prince Charles. He never asked twice about what I was doing with three hundred Venus Flytraps.  He is the best gardener I ever met.  I never even used a memory charm on him.  He always was so kind and thoughtful."

Miss Sprout began tearing up. 

            "He's a dear man."

            "Oh, Mrs. Sprout, are you crying?" Remus asked.

            "Oh no, it's just, I wish…  that it could be different."

            "If he really loves you, then you can't just lock away your emotions.  You have to accept them.  And he'll have to accept you, if he really loves you."

            "Remus, you're such a good boy.  But…"

            "But what?  I know Sirius loves me somewhere.  Loved me once at the very least.  That's enough," Remus said.  "If you are frightened, just do it for me and the love I can't have."

            "Oh poor boy.  I just don't know what to do," Sprout began whimpering.  She grasped Remus and began crying.

****

            Charms class began with Flitwick pulling a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.  The class applauded.  He followed this by an amazing scarf trick

Flitwick smiled.

            "Sleight of hand is a useful trick to enhance everything from your ability to hide your wand, cast charms and hide yourself from inquisitive muggles."  Flitwick pulled the scarf from his ear.  The class clapped, "Now you will be paired up to practice some scarf tricks."

            "I don't see why we have to learn this stupid slight of hand," Draco said.

            "You just don't like it because you're not good at it," Hermione said.

            Hermione pulled a scarf from behind Ron's ear.

            "Yeah," Ron said, pulling the scarf out of his nose, pretending to sneeze it up.

            "Stop being gross, Ron."  Hermione hit him.

            Harry scratched his chin. 

            He looked at Neville.

            "Hey, Neville, old chap what's that you got behind your ear?"

            "Nothing."

            Harry put his hand behind Neville's ear and counted. In a slow contorted and clumsy flick his pulled out a scarf and waved it.

            "Taa da!"  Harry said weakily.

            "That wasn't very good," Neville said. "I saw that coming."

            "Look at him." Draco laughed.  The Slytherins enjoyed Harry's failings.

            Harry blushed "I don't understand."

            "You're supposed to be good at magic," Neville said.  He coughed and it appeared the scarf came out of his mouth.

            "I can't be good at everything." Harry stuffed the scarf in his sleeve.

Harry walked over to Hermione.

            "Say, Hermione, old chap.  What do you have behind your ear?"

            "I'm not a chap, Harry," Hermione glowered.  "It's obvious from a mile away."

            "Keep practicing, Mr. Potter," Flitwick groaned.  "Perhaps you can try something simpler.  Like the card trick."

            The deck of cards fell out of his sleeve. Flitwick laughed uncomfortably and walked away shaking his head.

            "Maybe you should give up, Harry," Ron said.  Harry frowned.

            Harry trudged to class feeling very stupid and nearly worthless.

            Remus Lupin was at his desk writing away before class.

            "Hello, Professor Lupin.  What's that behind your-"

            Lupin tried to smile encouraging Harry.  "Ooh A sleight of hand how nice. You're going to pull that scarf in your sleeve away from my ear."

That twisted the knife into Harry's heart.

            "I give up." Harry plunked down in his seat.

            "Ah, Card tricks.  Scarves, flowers, disappearing coins. I remember all that."

            "I'm not very good." Harry said.

            "Usually purebloods aren't." Lupin smiled.  I'll bet it would be easier for him to conjure up a charm then pretend too."

"Really?" Harry said with a air of hope.

"Except for your father.  He was amazing at sleight of hand.  Too bad you can't get an OWL for snazzy coin tricks."

            Harry looked down at his green scarf.  This thing must have either come from the devil himself, or been jinxed by a Slytherin.  Green was the devil's color after all.[3]

            A plate of cookies sat next to Professor Lupin.

            "Chocolate chip cookies.  I made them myself when I couldn't sleep last night.

            Ron nudged Harry.

            "Why are they green?" he whispered.

            "Take one. There are plenty for the whole class," Professor Lupin grinned.

            "I'll save mine for later." Harry said.

            "Oh come now it's just a little cookie." Lupin shook his head.

            The cookie seemed to cough purple sparks as Harry touched it.  Harry jumped. He folded it in a napkin.

            Ron didn't want to disappoint professor Lupin again.  He was expecting and all.  Ron grabbed a small cookie and lifted it.

            He looked up at Lupin.

            He took it put it near his mouth. In one bite it was gone.  Harry couldn't believe his eyes.  What was going to happen to Ron?  He didn't think anything that was green and purple (other than eggplant and grapes) could be good.  Harry took a step back.

            Ron smiled.  "These cookies are smashing, Mr. Lupin."

            "Thank you Ron."  Lupin smiled, flattered.

            "You're a good cook," Ron said "Yum."

            "Oh I'm not it was just a tube of cookie dough.  With some extras mixed in."

            Hermione swallowed the cookie in one bite.

            "Yummy."

            "Mr. Malfoy.  Have a cookie."

            Draco sniffed the cookie.  He couldn't waste the opportunity to suck up, besides maybe he would get less detention.  The Slytherin took a small bite out of the cookie. 

            He turned yellow.

            "Oh dear, too spicy.  I shouldn't have added those green chiles."

            Draco turned grey.

            "Or maybe the mandrake root or the fried sausage.

           "Don't tell me what else?"  Draco covered his mouth "It's really… unique.  Indescribable."

            ****

            After class when Lupin was out of sight, Hermione pulled the cookie out of her hair.

            "Man.  That was close."

            Ron pulled his from behind his back.

            Harry shook his head.

            "You two are getting too good at that," Harry said.  He covered his Salsa cookie with wastepapers, so Lupin wouldn't know he'd thrown it away.

            "You mean you didn't eat yours?" Draco was still green, crawling on his hands and knees.

            "Are you daft?  He's pregnant. His tastebuds don't work."

            "Serves you right for sucking up."

            "You know if I could see through this double vision I'd pop you one, Potter."

            "I'm not Harry." Parvatti said.  "Harry is standing over there"

            Neville managed to hide four cookies in his robes.  He was a bit of a whiz.

            "Maybe someone should take him to Madam Pomfrey's.  Before he throws up."

            "Look, he's turning navy blue."  Pansy smiled and applauded rather than helping him up.
            Remus Lupin walked out of the classroom.

            "What is Draco doing?"

            "He twisted his ankle.  He's going to Madam Pomfrey."

           Lupin grinned.

            "Are you all right Remus?  You aren't going to start…"

            "Start what?"

            "Oh crying…" Harry patted him on the shoulder, "It's alright.  I can understand.  I mean it's not your fault that… that… Sirius had too."

            Harry began to sniffle.

            "Harry are you crying…"

            "Noooo." The boy swallowed his sobs.   

Remus gave him a hug"Buck up Harry. It's all right."

"I just…" Harry cut off

"I know," Remus shook his head, "I don't understand why everyone is so maudlin and depressed.  It's just that time of year."

            "It's just, we were all worried about you," Harry said.  "You've been so sad."

            "What?  Me? Why would I be sad?"

            "Well.  You're crying all the time.  And you make everyone else cry," Harry sniffled.

            "Oh Harry, no I'm very happy.  It's just, I enjoy a good cry.  Like when you read a sad book or see a Greek tragedy."

            "But…"

            "I have many friends who care about me, I have a good job.  Why should I be sad?"

            "You mean you are making everyone cry on purpose?"

            "Maybe a little.  Maybe everyone here needed a good cry."

            Harry's deep sad green eyes stared back at him. Remus looked at James's face, sad and tempered by wisdom and suffering.  He could see something of James in him, none of the lightness and carefree joy. James was the most joyful person he had ever met in his life.  Every day he knew James, the boy had gotten the most out of life.  It was so cruel that one so innocent and happy could be destroyed so easily.

            Harry would never be James, carrying the pain of loneliness in soft green eyes, and the guilt of survival.  James would be someone he would never forget never stop loving.

            How could he hide it?

            Remus thought about James.  His shag of wild black hair and his saucy innocent eyes.  Remus had spent hours gazing into them.  The time when the Slytherins had messed with one of the charms on Remus's broom and sent him to Madam Pomfrey, James swooped into the rescue.  Carried him all the way to the infirmary.  James wrapped his arms around his waist.  He touched his back to support him  By the time James carried him down to the infirmary Remus had turned gay.  He was quite proud it had happened so quicky.

Remus hadn't even acknowledged sex existed until he was 18 or so.  Apparently that was even a little young for most werewolves.  Of course, his last year at Hogwarts had been interesting, harboring a crush on the Head Boy.  He thought he had been subtle and long suffering.  He had only confessed the depths of his obsession to Peter who promptly decided he wanted to deny it. 

Sirius had ribbed him about the journal of bad love poetry for three years.  Remus at times had wanted to cram the whole book down in his throat.  Everyonce and a while hummed the "Rain in Spain" song.  Remus wanted Sirius's head to explode sometimes.  James never exactly figured out what the joke was behind that.  Sirius never told James, this is why Sirius Black was not paralyzed from the waist down.

            He remembered it.  Hogwarts days, when he was completely clueless and young, and his first inklings of confused attractions began surfacing.  Strange dreams with James sweet whispered conversations.  Of course Lily always ended up stabbing him at the end of the dream and they involved exploding animals and naked teachers…  His mind was not a healthy place when he was 18.  It must have been the hormones strangling his brain cells.

            That one day Sirius was camped in his bunk.  Remus bristled for a second.  He was very possessive.  He didn't exactly learn how to share very well.  Everything he had was labeled with little plastic labels his mum had picked up in Muggle Dorsett.  His books, his private boxes, his trunk,  not many people labeled their pillow cases.

            "Get off there, that's my bed." Remus said.

            "Sorry." Sirius didn't look up. Didn't even attempt to move.

            "James is with Little Miss Prefect.  I'm looking for some extra curricular activities.  The Transfiguration is a joke.  I think even Snape could do it."

            "You don't have to touch my stuff.  This is my bed.  Just hurry up.  I want to sit there."

            Sirius patted the bed "Plenty of room for two."

            "I'm tired. Why don't you just go somewhere else?"

            "Pah."

            The only vengeance worthy of Sirius's intrusion was inversion. Remus sat on Sirius's bunk.

            "Well you're in my bed…  So I'm in yours."  Remus wiggled around and puffed the pillows and rolled on his stomach. As an animagus, Sirius had just as strong a territorial instinct.  Everything of his was monogrammed, but it was the same idea.

            Sirius glowered "Fine. Be a stupid animal."

            "You started it."

            Remus understood Sirius all too well.

            "What are you looking at?" Remus said.

            "Poetry."

"Oh. Who?"

"Sounds like Shelley.  If Shelley had no talent."

Peter walked in.

"Sirius, get off Remus's bed."

"He gave me permission for reading.

            "Peter why did you let him on my bed, anyway?"

            "What are you doing on Sirius's bed?"

            "I don't know.  You don't seem to care about people's property.  I thought you were going to be in here."

            "I'm sorry Remus."

            "Leave him be Remus," Sirius began sniggering.

            "What is so funny? Remus looked at the ceiling on top of Sirius's bed.

            "This is really bad stuff.  I can't believe it.  Do you want to hear?"

            Sirius stood up and cleared his throat.

"O the Woe I Live in is very deep,

The rain is pain and my solace is sleep"

            Remus shot straight up.  His eyes mowed Sirius Black down.

            "Nice Villanelle, Moony.  I think they have twenty lines. Or was it nineteen"

            Remus gasped.

            "You… What are you?"

            Black snapped back his own private journal with poems inside shut.  He had stolen his book.

            "Black.  Give me that."

            Black seemed to drop it then read another section.

            "The rain is sprained, then?"

            Remus trembled.

"Oh Oh I have woe.  I stubbed my toe.  And now I walk slow.  And so I must go." Sirius saluted him."

"That's funny." Peter said.

Remus wasn't speaking.  He just began twitching in rage.

 "The Rain is Spain…  Stays mainly on the plain," Sirius began singing, exactly in the smarmy lower class accent, with his tuneless and awful voice.

Peter sniggered.

There were few times that Remus's werewolf nature was obvious, the scene that followed, when he lifted Peter off his feet with one hand, was one.

"You told him, Peter.  I'm going to die."

Peter struggled, "Moony!"

"Hey hey."

"I am going to kill you. Then I'll die."

"Remus, I didn't tell you."

"How could you, Peter.  I hate you.  I hate my life!  How could you tell him about my crush?"

Sirius began laughing "Take it easy."

"He'll go and tell James. And then my life will be over."

            "Really then.  Just like that you'll drop dead?" Sirius crossed his arms.

            "Shut up, Sirius!  You're not allowed around my stuff. You are banished from my bed." Remus gave him a swift push with his free hand.  Sirius picked himself off the floor.

"Like I care," Sirius said. "All these years you looked down your nose on me for being weird and horny.  And now you are writing this awful poetry to some bit. "

"Can you let me down, Remus?" Peter croaked like a toad "Please?  I like to breathe." 

Sirius said,  "Next time you want to declare your love for someone, just write them an essay.  You're good at that.   Not this crap poetry." Sirius handed it back to him.

Remus snapped back the journal. He clutched the journal to his chest.

"You can't tell James.  Nothing.  Nothing.  He can't ever know how I feel."

"Oh come on, James couldn't care three figs if you have a crush.  He's in deep for Evans he doesn't know what time of day it is."

"But it would…  I can't… " Remus shook his head.

"Why do you even care about James?"

Remus slammed his book shut.

"All he cares about is Lily. Is it about Lily?  I could see it now.  Best friends duel over a girl-"

"It is about the only person I've ever loved.  I'm just cursed."

"She cute?" Sirius asked.

"The only…" Remus looked down. "Boy I could ever love."

Sirius cocked his head, bit his lip then responded, "He cute?"

Remus looked at him.  He never thought anyone could even hope to understand.  He never expected Sirius to act like that.  On the other hand, nothing human was evil, and nothing sexual was uninteresting to Sirius Black.  He could understand sex.  Always.

"I don't want to hear this." Peter said "I'm going to get some candy."

"You do that." Sirius nodded.

He sat on the floor under Moony's bed, "Look James is a mate.  He'll understand…"

"I can't put this burden on him." Remus said "I must carry it alone.  So you can't tell him."

"You mean…" Sirius stood up.  He looked in Remus's eyes, "You like James?"

"So I can't ruin his happiness.  He's made for Lily.  He's happy.  He's going to ask to marry her after graduation next month." Remus said.

"Oh Jesus." Sirius clutched his forehead "You want Prongs?!"  Sirius tried to imagine some situation in which this made sense.  Dry doofy James Potter.  I mean sure he was the head of the Marauders and nice but…  Sexy.  Why did Remus find him sexy?  Sirius thought he was the looker of the group at least.  James was the sort of leader, and Remus was the brains except sexy.

"Yes.  He's… He's wonderful."

"We are talking about James Potter, scrawny noodle boy.  I mean he is kind of pretty but come on.  There are guys much more muscular and handsome.  I thought you would like a big cut burly man."

"I can like whomever I want." Remus said "Just cause I don't go for the Aryan poster children like Andrew Diggory."

"But he seems like an average... guy."

"It's not just his looks, it's not even his smell.  There is something unspeakable about him.  Something so nice…  and warm."

"Yeah he's a great but…"

"He's so happy.  So normal."  Remus smiled, "I always wanted that.  It just makes me feel so good to be with him."

"Yeah he is fun.  But I just don't see it."

"You don't have any taste.  You'd probably go after anybody who said Hello." Remus glared mock seductively at Sirius "Helllloooo baby."

Sirius's eyes glazed over., "Oh wow. Remus.  Lick your lips when you say that, it's really turning me on."

"You are impossible." Remus shoved him

"Isn't it marvelous though?"  Sirius put his hands behind his head.

"It's good to realize I'm not the most pathetic creature in the world.  At least I'm not praying on a poor stupid boy.  All I want is nice boy.  James or something and I can't even… My life isn't worth it."

"Maybe you just like James because you know you can't have him."

"What?

"It's the oldest crush in the book.  You know that James will never love you that way, so you can love him without hurting him, and wallowing in pain."

"You're…"

"Oh come on.  It's the oldest trick in the book.  It's in a lot of books. And it's happened to me.  Happens to everyone.  You're afraid of a real relationship somewhere.

"That is easy for you to say.  I really love him."

"But how long can this kind of thing.  Not very long I bet, when you meet someone cute who really wants you."

"What do I do then?"

"I'd watch out for Lily.  She thinks that it's cute when she hits a big man, but she is a monster.  She gave me a bruise once the size of a bludger.  If she thinks you are trying to get her man."

"Why don't you find someone else…  Come on.  It's got to be better than moping with Peter.  Come on sling back your hair, put on some tight trousers and lets go cruising. I bet we could pick up some real hot babes. I know your love for James is unique.  But you'll forget his name in thirteen minutes."

"Is that your solution? A pub crawl."

"You bet it is." Sirius said, "Unless you want to stay here and construct some juvenile device to James to sleep with you and Lily to fail at stabbing you."

"I'll never fall in love again.  You know."

"Oh yes of course.  James… James is special, okay.  But are you going to ruin your whole life because he is nice to you."

"You don't know how rare that is."

"Look Remus.  You are your disease.  And some guy or or werewolf is gonna come around and sweep off your feet and you are going to be so happy.  I'll be there, okay.  I will be so happy when you find him.  You deserve like someone really really…"

Remus smiled "Really?"

"You know what I'm saying."

"Yes yes I do Padfoot. You're beginning to make sense for once."

"Great.  Come on Beoch…  Let's go find'em."

"Sirius, thanks, mate," Remus hugged his shoulders,  "You're so smart about these things.  You just know people.

Sirius shurugged

"You'd think you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or something other than Bike."

"Hey!" Sirius held u his hand, "Bike is much sexier than anything."

"Yeah.  I'll say," Remus said.

"You little tramp.  Werewolf lolita" Sirius said shaking his head, "Trying to get me to do things.  You know. I'm not above rebound sex…"

            "Come on, Remus."

            "You realize, Sirius.  I'm not getting on a bike with you like that again… Not like last time."

            "Come on…" Sirius coaxed him.

            "No.  You pervert…" Remus said.

            "What's so perverted about what I want?"  Sirius said, "You seem to want it too kind of."

            "No no," Remus shook his head.

            Remus and Sirius passed Peter who was listening at the door.

            "You didn't kill Sirius."

            "Peter?  Come on. Pub crawl.  We're gonna liquor up a werewolf and try to get him laid."

            "Do I have to come?  The girls always go after you two and James when Lily isn't…"

            "Come on pal.  We're taking Bike?"

            "Bike… but but but..."

            Sirius sighed, "See Peter's not coming.  Sorry Pete.  Remus.  I order you to come with me."

Maybe it will be good for you, Remus, get this crazy idea out of your head.  Fall in love with James…" Peter said.

"Come on dear.  Get a move on."

"Goodbye Peter. We'll be back soon."

Bill Weasely smiled.  The cheerful second year stared at them.  He straightened his rather sad looking sunglasses.  Just hoping they would use bike and talk to him.  Remus felt weird around Bill.  He idolized Sirius like unto a god. 

"Hi Black.  I made sure no one touched the bike.  Where are you going?  Where's Potter and-"

"Bill go back to bed or something." Remus said, "Don't you have homework?"

"He's having fun. Aren't you minion?"

"Yessiree, Black," Bill nodded

"Now this is Secret Marauders business. I'd tell you but I have to kill you."

"Don't tell James you saw us." Remus said.

"It'll be your job to cover it up," Sirius told the eager red headed weasel boy "Wink wink say no more," Sirius nodded at the boy.  Bill and Sirius were so sweet sometimes.

"Okay.  He'll never find out," Bill said.

"No go do homework," Sirius shooed him off.

"Good Luck Black.  See you Remus."

            Bill quickly scuttered away at Sirius's command, his hair trying to grow past the lame little rat tail of hair into a real ponytail.  Poor silly Weasely.

Remus parked himself behind Sirius curling up behind him.

            "You little tramp.  Already on your next victim. You ever do this before?"

           "See, I've seen you and Steven flirt. I wish I could flirt."

"Trust me that little arse of yours does all the talking for you.  You don't need to say a word."

"You are a pervert," Remus said.

"Well, you are too, underneath it." Sirius smiled.

            "You're very warm." Remus said

            "That's it?  How come you didn't fall for me?  That way we could go off and have some fun."

            "It's more than your looks, Sirius.  I can't just fall like that.  You and your damn lantern jaw and baby blue eyes.  It would get annoying.  You piss me off and you sit on my bed."

            "Don't worry.  James is going to miss a wild ride. You are a babe, if a guy can be one."

            "What's so special about me?" Remus said.

            "Other than the Lycanthropy?" Sirius asked.

            "Yes that…  I don't think anyone is lining up around the block to date a dark monster."

            "What charm, kindness, brain, having a delicate bone structure and a dynamite ass, doesn't mean anything these days?  You can't just be cute and sexy?"

            Remus laughed, "Crazy…"

"Don't say that about yourself. I'm not very mature.  I don't know why you think you can come to me about all this.  You seem to have a better head," Sirius said, "I respect you.  You are a good person, and you're a lot better than you can see. And I know if I tired anything on you like that, you'd see right through it.  So I don't."

Remus rested his head.

"So whatever happens I'm just glad you're here now.  Because I'd never ever make you do anything that made you feel uncomfortable or dirty or evil."

"Sirius. You really mean it?"

"No. Of course not.  If had the chance I'd shag you on the steps of a cathedral."

            "You are just trying to get into my robes, Sirius Black."

"Peh.  Come on.  I'm a red blooded youth.  And you…" Sirius felt the fingers twine on his stomach "…have very nice hands."

"Thank you Sirius."

"Let's get out of here."

Bike took off into the sunset.



[1] Noah Wyle

[2] or Rolanda

[3] I found this on a Harry Potter is Evil website…