Lesson 14: People make Mistakes
(or Trigun is the Bomb Biggity)
Hermione smiled, she presented her surprised DaDA teacher with a large box.
The other students hovered around in a wide circle. Draco Malfoy even hovered around the edge curious to see. But the second the other Slytherins in class noticed he was, he snorted, trying to maintain his cool.
"We got you something, Professor Lupin."
"Yeah it was Hermione's idea."
"It's a quilt."
"A quilt?" Remus Lupin wasn't exactly sure.
"Oh yes. I had a dog and when she was going to have her puppies. Well I thought you might want to have something soft and comfortable."
"Oh it's lovely Hermione. But Why white?"
"Because I had everyone in class sign it." Hermione smiled.
Remus Lupin beamed "You didn't."
The quilt was covered in signatures and elaborations.
"Dear Remus, I can't believe your going to have a baby! It's cool. Get Back Soon before Snape Eats Us. Ronald Weasley" He always wrote his name out in cursive.
Ginny's curly heart laden cursive "Congradulation on Your Puppies ^___^ Ginny Weasely." In the corner there was a very tidy almost Slytherin print. Only one SLytherin he knew didn't write in cursive. he could recognize from his werewolf essay "Get well Soon. Good luck… DM"
Draco frowned and tried to break eye contact with the professor. God forbid a Slytherin ever show his emotion.
Remus smiled at the untidy scrawl of Lee Jordan "LUPIN ROX! SNAPE BLOWS!"
Severus glowered at the back of the classroom.
"What is all this about, Remus? Lupin I thought Professor Dumbeldore-"
"The class is all your's, Severus."
The Slytherin shivered. Did Professor Lupin call him by his first name?"
"I'm just saying goodbye." Remus said.
"Goodbye?" Professor Snape had trouble conceptualizing the fact that, he a teacher, liked his students and wanted to be their friends.
"Well you better give me a pen."
"You want to sign it Professor Snape?" Hermione looked stunned.
"Correct it. Yes 'Snape is weirdo' is ei not ie for weird. And last time I checked the dictionary Mr. Longbottom Horrible has no 'u' ah yes and Professor Snape eats … Shit-ake mushrooms."[1]
Later that day when Snape returned to his potions classroom Remus was their reading a book. Snape sat in his laboratory knowing the looney werewolf had planned to take over his laboratory. Serve him right whatever happened to him there.
Caius, the raven, regarded Lupin more seriously now. Considering he was intent on becoming part of the geography, Caius better learn to exploit him as part of his territory
"Wolf." He said.
"Yes very perceptive." Remus said adoringly "Do you remember me Caius?"
"Raaat?" The bird rubbed against him.
"Excuse me?" Remus raised an eyebrow.
Caius said. "My word…"It said in an eerie echo of Snape's voice.
"Caius. He usually gets adulation for showing off his ability to speak."
"Perspicacious. Garrulous, Talkative." Caius blinked at him.
"The more words he says the more likely he is to be fed." Severus said putting the book back on his shelf.
"Raaaat."
"Don't give him anything to eat." Severus wagged his finger. "Even if you think it's not edible… he might."
"Does he really speak Or is it just mimicry?" Remus asked.
"He might as well be a Goth Parrot. He has vocabulary of rounding 340 words, unless he's hiding them from me. Ravens can do that. Leave. Leave."
Caius flapped his wings.
Snape opened a jar and pulled out a prinkly nasty ball. Remus thought it looked like a rather tiny mace.
"Go play with your pricklies. Leave me alone. I have work to do."
"Pricklies. Prick Prickety Prick prick prick." Caius shouted.
"If I ever found out who taught you that…" Snape tossed it in the air.
"What are those?" Remus Lupin asked.
Snape rolled his eyes. He knew this would happen. The second anyone saw you working on a new potion you had to do an itemized list of everything you were using and doing, so they could be entertained as well. Now Lupin was so entrenched down here, he'd demand such attention.
"It's sea urchins." Snape said trying to effect the tone "It's none of your business"
"Don't they have sea urchin powder now?" Remus asked.
"It doesn't work as well." Snape said coldly.
Cauis tossed the urchin in the air. The raven caught it in his beak and balanced it. He was enjoying himself. Snape let out only the tiniest smile as he rolled his eyes.
Remus hid his own smirk.
Of course real urchins were better for potions, not to mention that adorable ravens couldn't play with powdered sea urchin. Snape would be loathed to admit any sort of affection to anything alive or dead, Remus thought to himself.
Without watching Caius too closely he flew across the room with his toy.
"Prick." Caius threw the ball at Remus's face. Remus ducked and covered his head. The spine stuck in his hand.
"Ouch." Remus said pulling the urchin spine out, tossing it away, "My bloody hand. What was he--"
The raven laughed.
"Don't worry it's not as poisonous once it is dead. I'd never let him play with anything that could kill him."
Remus didn't know who was more obvious the cranky brooding mysterious raven, or the bird throwing the urchins at him.
"He snaps them in half. He likes to break off the spines."
Caius began crunching the urchin in his beak.
"Couldn't they hurt him? Poke his tongue."
"He never complains. He can eat wingnuts and screws whole. Once I saw him crack a steel nut and bolt in two pecks. He could burglarize muggles if he so desired."
Caius tried to sneak up on the ball, probably pretending it was some tasty animal.
"Bytheprick-ing of me thumbs some-ing wick-ed this way caaaames."
"He remembers his Shakespeare. What a smart bird."
"He's been off color. Caius is on a strict diet of chicken with no bones and live lizards."
"Sensible diet." Lupin said.
"He's had horrible colic since, he ate that box of chocolate frogs. When he saw them moving he thought they were real. Didn't you, you silly bird? He's so silly." Snape itched his head.
Snape could have been talking to the bird affectionately, like one would coo at an owl or parrot. But Snape would admit no such tendencies. If ravens could blush he would have. He threw the urchin in the air. Caius took to the rafters. Being petted in public was something that now male creature could abide. .
"Besides with Midterms around the corner who knows what they'll feed him to get at me. Posioned rats, hexed frogs. One year the Gryffindors glamoured him with a red and gold stripe on him during the Quidditch Cup. He was mortified."
"Lion baaaaaaad."
"No one would try to hurt a familiar." Remus asked.
Snape didn'tlook up, "Just ask the Weasely's about their fake exploding familiar joke." Snape looked down. "Maybe if he's better this weekend I'll get some duck."
"RAAAaaaat." Caius cheered. "Bony Bone… Feefye fo fum. I smelled the bones of an Englishmun"
Snape scruffed behind him wing bones.
"Ravens are a lot more omnivorous than you would think. They'll eat anything you will. Course they won't touch beer."
Lupin was content watching the raven's antics.
"Prick Prick Prick Wolf. Prick wolf." He said. "Prick wolf."
Lupin was surprised. "Hey there… Is he calling me a-"
"Wolf." Caius said. He kicked the urchin "Pricklies Pricklies." Caius gave an innocent look to Lupin. Then cackled to himself.
He never expected an owl to curse at him, let alone cover it up. He was pretending to talk about something else. These Ravens were something else.
"The problem with having two people in a room is that eventually one of them will talk."
"I don't have to."
"Oh but you do Lupin."
"You just…"
"Well maybe I don't want you staring at me." Snape waved him on. "Give me the love story."
"The love story?"
"You Black. Ad inifitium. Ad nauseum. You've got to explain it to me."
"No I don't."
"Is it as I thought? You and Sirius falling in love at Hogwarts. Innocent crush. Schoolboy shenanigans. Sigh. It could be a serial in Witches World Weekly. The witches would love it."
Remus groaned.
"It's such a pretty thing. Kisses under the bleachers, notes in class, scromping in the showers. Midnight bike rides. Oh how precious. I could just be sick." Snape smiled "It makes me just want to gag."
"Sirius? The Male Gryffin-whore. I had better taste than that. I wasn't dating anyone then."
"Well then I can't excuse your lack judgement for your tender age. Didn't anyone tell you werewolves mate for life? They have one mate? Why did you waste that chance on him?"
"I was a late bloomer. I was thinking about Arithmancy tests and Quidditch and Gobbers and music. I wasn't thinking about sex."
"So why don't you tell me when this all began? The moment you lost your mind and decided to mate with Sirius Black," Snape said. "I could use a nice horror story."
"Well it was about 1980, I think. Everyone told me that werewolves mate for life. I was working at a Girls Academy, Twinklebotts Academy for Young Ladies. I wasn't in a werewolf pack and had no intention of selling my soul to he who must not be named. That was when all those English Werewolves turned to the dark, turned to him. That was well known, but it wasn't common knowledge that lots of Werewolves on our side were targeted. Most of the ones for the Light fled to America."
Snape almost felt his arm burn "I remember it. I knew."
"You can't convince me some of the Higher up Death Eaters weren't targeting them. They did such awful things. I came out okay. Deatheaters killed a lot of werewolves, too. You won't hear that."
"I know that too."
"It was all of a sudden. There was a big conspiracy by the Ministry. A few less werewolves in the world might have been a good thing. It was April when I got a fork bomb from the Deatheaters. They never found out who sent it."
"Fork bomb." Snape looked out the window. It was not a question. Few people realized it was a haunted memory.
"You've heard about the fork bombs?"
"It was a brilliant device. It could pass any detector. But the spell hurled silver and iron shrapnel…" Snape crossed his thumbs "It was a really advanced amalgamation, the charm activated a residual potion."
"It was undetectable, harmless and then brutal. A wizarding genius came up with it." Remus continued.
Snape looked out the window, "53 werewolves died, even werewolf children. The last fork bomb was sent to Jennifer and Herman Pierreson, before they were brutally ripped apart by Death Eaters, with silver implements. There were only a handful of people who knew they were more than simple muggles. The Ministry hid that secret well enough. No one ever would admit what they were, Werewolf Martyrs who had given their lives to the side of Light."
Remus didn't listen to the darkness in Severus's voice. He continued to talk and not listen. He looked at him "If you know that, you know enough about silver and Werewolves. I almost was killed by that fork bomb. But I was cleaning under my desk, that very second I got the call from Sirius. The most extraordinary miracle."
Snape looked at him, "You were lucky. If you had taken a silver fork in your eyeball, you wouldn't be here."
"I was okay. I stayed in my office for 5 hours afraid to move. The Headmaster wondered why I was late to the staff dinner and came down to see if I was sick. The explosion gave the Headmaster of Twinklebotts a two-inch scar above his eye."
"That is a miracle." Snape frowned. The weight of dark words upon him.
"When the Headmaster found out I was a werewolf, he didn't want werewolf professor teaching young ladies. I couldn't argue. After all what if Death Eaters attacked my classroom? Of course he was more upset that I had lied on my application than the safety of the girls. My parents wanted me back home, father was still at Berringtons and I could have gotten a nice factory job. But Sirius had other plans. He was a Junior Auror, and saw it as his duty to protect me. So I stayed in London, looking for work and moved in with Sirius."
"There was the mistake."
Remus didn't answer.
"So when did you get it in your head to mate with him?"
"I never should have. I should have just waied it out. I was such a stupid kid. I couldn't remember a time without him, so I couldn't imagine the world with out him. He was so patient and sweet. And he was always there. I tried to give it a proper go. Dated a few girls. Of course it didn't work out. A few boys, even worse."
"Wait a second. 1979, fall October. Were you still seeking a mate?" Severus sat up all the way and grabbed the edges on his chair.
"Yes."
"I knew it. You took me out that lunch that one time, you were very excited discussing convulvus root… Oh my God. You were trying to get up into my apartment weren't you?"
"Maybe you were my backup. You were dear Severus and you were always civil to me. Considering certain things…"
"I really thought you wanted to see my muggle record collection." Snape said disappointed.
"Oh Snape please." Remus frowned, "No one wants to hear all 12 of your stupid Kinks albums. Schoolboys in Disgrace… " Remus spit.
"I feel disgusted. I'm tempted to sic my raven on you."
"I think it was the pony tail. You could fill turtleneck sweater very well."
"Ah. Remind to wear robes until I die." Snape said,
"Forgive me, Severus, I was just an emotional hormonal child."
"Peeves is right. You are a floozy who hates Ray Davies." Snape sneered "Caius, if Mr. Lupin moves to close to me, call for help. No grab my quick dissolve potion."
"Wolfy Wolf." Caius wolf whistled.
"Shut up. You are my familiar, not the peanut gallery," Snape said
"You see how desperate and foolish I was," Remus said.
"Taken." Snape waved him off "Let us never speak of it again." Snape clutched his forehead, "Where does The S.O.B. fit in?"
"SOB SOB SOB SOB." Caius sang spinning on his perch "Essobee."
"You taught him that, didn't you?" Remus crossed his arms.
"No I didn't," Snape said.
"It sounds like your voice." Lupin said.
"But he enjoys it so much." Snape grinned.
Remus continued.
"Sirius. He was so patient. I knew it couldn't have been easy for him. I left him very unsatisfied. I was a tease. Then I got it in my head to start sabotaging his relationships. Hanging up on girls I knew liked him, slipping unsubtle hints he was married, or had chlamydia."
"You said he had chlamydia?"
"Once I even pretended he lived with his mother."
"Didn't his mother die when he was a child?" Severus made a disgusted groan.
"He never realized it. He couldn't know how important it all was. He was just so happy he could get his hand down my pants. We were so stupid."
"So then you mated before Halloween, oh how sad you're new mate turned evil and fouled everything up, and spent the next twelve years pining for him until the Shreiking Shack."
"Of course not. We mated last summer. He was too immature. We didn't even get past third base."
Snape sat back down.
"Then what was that useless maudlin pathetic story about? To frighten me and make me doubt my heterosexuality"
"You told me to fill the air. You wanted a love story. I'm sorry it's not very good. But it's mine."
"I knew it. It must have been prison." Snape said, "Anybody who would mate with you would have to be criminally insane."
*****
They had spent most of the night traveling by the Muggle Bus back to Gwydion Yard. Damn Lukas had to try a barnroll and alert the entire region of Northumbria and parts of France where they were. They sat on the bus looking out the window.
"Harry could still be lying. I can't believe that Hogwarts would do something like that."
They came to a stop. The driver lady announced into the speaker, "D___ on M___ Watch your parcels. Won't be leaving for another fifteen minutes. We're going then whether you're on the bus or not."
Lukas and Fen stayed on the bus finally free to talk about the case. They were alone. Lukas's nose caught a whiff. Ah ale and vomit cologne. He plugged his nose as he passed the bum sleeping on the seat, but now he was sitting far enough away.
"Maybe we should call that Bumblebee guy…"
"Dumbledore. He should know. But I have to be sure."
There was a loud demonstrative snore from the bum after that. At least they could drown out any noise.
"About what. We've already established that Black and Lupin are connected."
"Well if we have Lupin we can use him to get Black."
"I won't turn in fellow werewolf if he's on our side."
"He is kin. But not clan. Why do you care? He might be Sirius Black's lover. He might be his accomplise. If he helped him escape I'd shut that pregnant dork in Azkaban myself."
"We don't get Azkaban. They will put him down."
"He's a human being. They can't put him down."
"Not in England. This isn't America. They've always hated our kind here."
What I want to know is how come he isn't a werewolf?"
"This is the nineties Lykos? Safer sex. They might not even do it. It could be a cover for his accomplise."
"Could be perfectly nice masochist who just likes dating dark wizards. Like Fonzy or Hannibal Lechter."
"Fonzy never blew up a gas main."
"You know Voldemort had quite a following amoung"
"Gross…"
Fen Grieves opened the door to the bus's bathroom.
"They said that following Black is like dancing with death. You get to close and you see a big black devil hound."
"That's ridiculous. It's just his form."
"It's poetic though."
"Well being a big black devil hound myself, it doesn't sound too strange."
"Where is Stinky going?"
"Yeah he forgot his luggage." Lukas kicked the beer bottle he left behind.
Lukas froze. It was a butter beer bottle. He ran up to the front of the bus.
There had been a wizard on the bus and they didn't even realize it.
"Where did that guy back there go?" He demanded of the driver.
"I told him 15 minutes… But he had to go out and take a leak."
"What's gotten into you…"
Lukas tossed Fen the butter beer.
"Stop this bus." Fen said, "That man is a fugitive of justice."
"We-"
On the side of the road a tall stranger waved at them. Immediately the image of the young boy in the year book popped into mind. Those pretty baby blue eyes.
Fen spun out his wand and hexed the door open.
"What on Earth? Get back in here!"
He jumped out the open bus door.
"Sorry, about that." Lukas waved.
Their werewolf bodies were pretty sturdy and at least. They ran down the night road bickering as they sped after him.
"He was snoring wasn't he?"
"Did he hear us?"
"Did he look wizard to you?"
"People don't look wizard with they are covered in ale. I didn't even give him a second look."
They followed Black off the road into the meadow, into the copse.
"Oh crap crap crap crap."
Lukas tripped over a tree root.
"Ouch."
"He's heading for cover."
"Let split up." Fen said running ahead.
*****
Remus was wrapped up in his new quilt on the couch.
"Snape eats Shitake mushrooms?"
"I can't believe they made that for you." Severus grumbled.
"It's wonderful isn't it?"
"The only thing a student ever made for me was a voodoo doll with a large nose and pins in the stomach and the feet."
"Did it work?"
"Ask my chiropoedist. He's about to have me assainated."
"So what do we do now?"
"There is only one thing to do. When you're mentally and emotionally drained. When the world has abandoned you." Snape gestured.
"We're not going to get drunk, are we?"
"Okay… I'll think of something else." Snape said.
*****
Lukas had found a cave within seconds of leaving the main road. His keen hunting ears picked up motion at the back of it..
"Is something there?"
A large dog appeared.
"Hey boy.
The dog whimpered.
Lukas was a rather skinny werewolf but big in his own right, so he felt comfortable around big dogs. They usually could be understood. He couldn't write a Dog to Werewolf to Human dictionary. But it was easy to guess.
This was not a dog underneath his skin. This wasn't a dog brain.
"Who are you?"
The change was instant.
"SHIIIIIII-"
Lukas screamed and flung a fire curse into the cave. Screaming the man jumped out of the way.
Lukas flamed the entire cave. But the man disappeared in a shag of rotten black hair and robes.
How on Bloody Earth could a guy half drunk off his ass manage to run faster than a 23 year old werewolf?
Lukas looked about in the night.
"He's gone." Lukas shouted.
He quickly ran out of the cave shouting for his partner."Fen. Fen."
The older werewolf was still looking
"Any luck?" Fen asked coolly panting himself.
"I saw him."
"You did."
"Sorry SOB. He changed into that goddamn dog." Lukas said.
"I guess the reports are right… ANimagus." Fen said. He tapped Lukas on the shoulder, "We gotta call for back up. Prepare to meet the 8th animagus in a century."
"Welcome to the Aurors. Travel to Exotic places, Meet interesting people and kill them."
Fen scribbled on a piece of paper and aparated it to HQ
*****
The two professors lay on the floor next to the chocolate chip cookies. Severus continued his discussion.
"Now when you start your vacation you have to be specific."
"I'm in a moon light meadow in the the alps."
"Cricket cricket." Caius taunted.
"A baby fawn laps up water from a silver stream. The shimmering chirp of frogs. The soft summer breeze."
"Cricket cricket."
"The bird has been eaten by an owl." Snape gritted his teeth.
"I want to go to the beach. The French Rivieria."
"Where?"
"I'm in Cannes? Monaco!"
"Balderdash. No one goes to Cannes this time of year."
"Alright I'm in Saint Tropez."
"You harlot. Looking for love already? Sirius Black not even cold in his grave."
"I can imagine I'm in St. Tropez okay. And your coming with me." Remus closed his eyes.
"I hate the beach." Severus whinged.
"All Right. We are on the Beach of St. Tropez?"
"Yes."
They all closed their eyes again.
"The gleaming tans of the Sunbathers like golden suns. The hot Mediterranean sun baking down… Are sure you aren't too hot?"
"No. The sun will do me good." Remus said, putting his hands behind his head.
"You feel the splash of the sea. Salty and warm. A Swedish Bikini model throws a Frisbee and it veers off course into your… no wrong audience for that detail."
"This beach certainly is crowded. With all these bikini models. Maybe we should have gone to Monaco." Remus drawled.
"Nah. Too crowded there too. With us and every other guy on the beach?"
"My towels getting wet." Snape grumbled.
"Oh sit on my mat, here. It's bamboo It's too small for a towel…" Remus said.
"The sun is Tangerine and brilliant and hot. You can feel it bake away your worries." Snape said.
"We have to come back here soon." Remus sighed. "Even if the sand does feel like a dungeon floor."
Hagrid stared at the professors lying on the ground. He placed the raw potato and lime juice salad in a bowl on the table.
"Beeeeeeeach.." Caius said to Hagrid.
The giant stood silently.
"Is the bird still dead?" Remus asked.
"Yes it was carried off by a giant Aegean squid." Snape nodded.
Remus laughed.
Hagrid decided to walk out of the room at this point, before they realized he was there. They were taking on of those odd 5 minute vacations, just lying there togetheron the dungeon floor, peacefully.
Hagrid always knew Snape was more bark than bite, if anyone would give him the chance. Maybe considering how much time Remus was spending down here they'd be little friendlier around each other. He still hadn't killed Lupin over the Pizza Incident, nor Hagrid himself. And it appeared that now Snape had made some kind of friend.
Hagrid tiptoed out of the room and smiled. He knew that Snape was more bark than bite. You just needed to prove yourself to him and he'd become as sweet as a mama dragon. Hagrid closed the door.
"What was that? The waves crashing on the shore."
"And the buoy, floating in the cape."
The two men began to ding.
________________________________________________________________
Lesson 15: A fluke ain't nothing but a sun fish
The owl returned. Fen held up his arm.
"Apprehend suspect. Bring him in alive. A contingent of Dementors will meet you at the rendevous."
Grieves read the owl's message.
Lukas sat down.
"Like I said the big time." Fen shooked his head
"Dementors. God I thought… well I didn't think…" Lukas got a cold feeling.
"Yeah you don't have to worry this much in slaying."
Lukas sat down putting his head between his knees "People go to the Dementors. People go to Azkaban. That's why it is there." Fen said "He cursed 13 people to death. He tried to kill Harry Potter."
"Harry doesn't think so." Fen said.
"I think its cause he escaped." Lukas leaned back. "It doesn't work. Man my muggle uncle was in Jail five times."
"Azkaban isn't jail." Fen said.
"I just want to kill him."Lukas shook his head.
"Lukas that is the wolf talking. We are human beings. We are Aurors. We'll bring him in or die trying."
"Or kill."
Lukas shoved a clip into his nine millimeter. He holstered it in his pocket.
Fen rolled out his wand case. "There is nothing to match a good English wand."He opened a tiny black case.
"Lukas."
Lukas turned around. "Huh?"
"Can you use a wand?" Fen asked him
"I didn't train with one. I learned the finger zapper technique. But I could try."
Fenrir nodded. Yeah I heard the taught that in America. Just think of the wand as an extension of the finger. The power in your finger channeling into a perfect beam of energy."
Lukas picked up the wand. And eery golden light surrounded him a wind blew "Sweet."
"This one is for you."
"Really?"
"I don't know. Normally the wand choses the wizard. If It works it must have been made for you. Try it."
Lukas holstered the gun completely. A brightness came over him, his blue eyes glowed.
"Kicking."
He pointed at a stone.
"Accio Stone."
The stone zipped quickly. Lukas was surprised how must easier it was to focus with a wand. He was a pretty good draw. He was Captain of the Dueling Squad back at the Conservatory in Savannah. His speed already tripled with the wand in his hand, rather than his puny finger.
"Man. That's great."
"It's a good wand. A lot like mine. Oak, for strength and one Storm Dragon Scale. My father brought two from the East when I was little. One for his son, one waiting for the right kind of guy to pick it up."
Lukas looked at the wand. "Thanks Chief."
"Lukas. I love ya chap. You're like my son."
"Yeah."
"Lukas, If anything should happen…"
"What's going to happen? This guy is not going to escape you. You're Fen Grieves. You are the best. You-"
"This is if anything happens. If I die, If I go wolfy or pregnant, I want you to become Packleader."
"What?"
"Lukas. You're a good kid. Take care of the Pack."
"You know I will."
"And keep Lupe safe okay, and Penny and little Pablo."
"All right. If you promise to stop talking about it."
"Now lets get going. We've got a rendevous."
*****
Remus began rustling in his quilted cocoon.
"What do you want? Sleeping potions. I-"
"I can't relax. My eyes won't shut."
"Let me get you something."
"I couldn't sleep anyway. You just get to bed."
"I can't sleep with you here awake. I can barely sleep with someone else in the room. I always hated slumber parties. Until everyone was asleep I had to stay awake."
"You sure that wasn't just Slytherin parties?"
Severus began rooting through his medicine cabinet. "Do you want me to rub you belly until you pass out?"
Remus blushed "I had no idea you swung on that vine? Here I thought you were straight as a Roman Road."
"Oh grow up, Lupin! Didn't your mother do that?"
"Mum wasn't a hair toussler type. She was the spit in a napkin to wash muck of your face kind of mum. Dad always tucked me in. He spent a good 5 mintues making sure I was asleep and stuff. He might have worked to hard, but he tried to see me in bed every night. You can't expect Slytherins to be demonstrative I suppose."
"Your father?"
"Mother. I'm the product of an average family. Workaholic Ravenclaw, Frustrated Slytherin Housewife. It could have been a case study by Betty Friedan. I'm the only real tragedy in their lives." Remus smiled "What about yours?"
"Go to sleep." Severus laughed sly grimace on his face.
Remus closed his eyes. "You know my mother gave up coffee, alcohol when I was born. familiars, garlic and polite Pureblood society when I was enraptured. When I came out she gave up the dream of Grandchildren, and now I can't even tell her about her bloody grand daughter."
"Mothers are wonderful people." Snape just wanted him to shut up.
"She was an over possessive, obsessive compulsive, angry, bitter, amoral irrational Slytherin beauty queen who could have been anything she wanted to be had she just given up on me and my problems"
Severus sat down.
"I love my mother."
"She's sounds like a peach.
Remus began to bury his head. "What Am I doing, Severus?"
Severus knew he had to try something.
"You are sentimental twat aren't you?"
"Hmm?" Remus ignored the insult."
"Lupin you are a kindhearted little git, who doesn't belong in this school. Open up a kindergarden…" Snape needled him half heartedly.
Remus sighed "I didn't think you'd be of any use. I'll just-"
Snape held his arm. "I'm not finished. I'm only going to say this once. But anyone can see all of these disasterously womanish and feeble qualities would make you one excellent bitch."
"I hate you." Remus said softly.
"It's technical term."
"Don't make me rip off your nose."
"You will be a good wife, a good partner, a good mother. I guess. A wonderfully caring sweet adoring mother. And…" Severus patted him on the head. "I think the baby, would be lucky."
"You do?"
Snape cleared his throat. "I'd be free of you. I could finally teach Defense Against the Dark Arts appropriately. And you wouldn't bother me with questions. Go to sleep."
"Ah Snape.. Sometimes I actually can believe the words that come out of your mouth."
****
In the borders of the wilderness along the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Sirius Black began to peer out from the darkness. He sloughed off his canine form and huddled against the ground.
If they were using raw oak he could face them. Oak always had a breaking in period for wands. He could transfigure without a wand clear enough. An animagus had to learn that quickly or die in a foreign body. That was one of the primary impediments. To learn how to use magic with no spells, no incantations, just pure will. He could do it well enough, but against two wizards. It would not work
He would have to try it. One quick spell and then run like a bastard. Something simple defensive…
He opened his hand, gesturing towards the Aurors.
"Expellarmus." Sirius shouted
Sirius opened his eyes.
"There he is! Hex him!"
Oh well. Incatations were never his strong point.
Fen Grieves spun around. Sirius jumped out of the way. They tussled. But Sirius slipped away forcing Fen against the ground. Apparently he was still good and wrestling an opponent to the ground, despite the fact he was smaller. Anyone was smaller than this behemoth.
Had to think. Had to act! had to do magic…
Sirius Black held his arms, he jammed Fen's own wand against his adam's apple.
If magic didn't work there was always brute violence.
"Oh Christ that was awesome. Did you see that mate? I laid you out." Sirius chuckled at himself. "I'm getting better at this. I thought most of my combat training went to waste in Azkaban.
Fen gritted his teeth. Sirius gripped the wand.
"Of course Animagus. You can transfigure without a wand. I guess we weren't being careful enough. You could have probably killed us all with a flick of your pinky."
"Gawrsh. You think?"
But then the other Auror approached.
"See you werewolves hunt in packs too." Sirius said softly.
Lukas pointed his wand.
"Cool off. Werewolves are my favorite kinds of people. Don't wanna hex your partner over here. I almost forgot how then what?"
"Put him down." Lukas glared, his bright blue eyes inhumanly psyching Sirius out.
"Drop your wand. Let's just talk and be cool. I don't got no problem with a werewolves."
"A dog animagus wouldn't."
Lukas pulled out a gun, a sawed off nine millimeter.
"This wand is new. Back off Black, or I will bust a cap in your ass."
"Look put down the gun," Sirius's voice broke. "I can't kill him. Please I can't. Don't make me…"
Lukas pulled out his gun hand "Sorry."
"Lukas." Fen closed his eyes gritting his teeth.
Black hadn't intened on that.
"I won't let you kill him to get me. He's just doing his job. I won't let you kill him. I didn't do anything. I'm innocent." Sirius shouted.
"Die."
Sirius gulped throwing up his hand screaming "NOOOOOO!"
*****
"What is that noise?" Remus's whole body stiffened he lept to his feet. "Gunshot."
Snape stood up "Hang here, Lupin… Just don't move."
"Blast it. I'm feeling better." Lupin said "I can help."
"I said don't move. We can't you going out like this."
"Severus. It sounded like gun fire. We have too…"
Severus slammed the door and locked it.
"You can't leave me in here." Remus pounded on the door.
"We can't have crazies running about when there is a crisis. I am your substitute. What are you going to do? Turn him into milk?"
Remus cleared his throat. Severus could see his expression through the door.
"I'll be back soon."
"But Severus…"
Severus gritted his teeth, "Just try to think about the 'baby'. You wouldn't want to hurt it."
"I almost forgot."
Did I remind him he was pregnant? "I'm an idiot."
"Good Luck Sev." Remus said hushed.
*****
Sirius looked up.
He scraped the peanut butter off his face.
In front of him the rookie auror stood absolutely stunned.
"Oh my God. I did it." He said. Sirius looked down at his fingers his hands.
"He changed the bullets into peanut butter." Lukas trembled, his gun fell down.
"Simple viscousity and spell. But I was hoping it would turn into something less sticky."
"You aren't bloody human. A wizard can't do that. How'd you do that?"
"Oh my god. That was bloody brilliant." Sirius continued scraping the peanut butter off "I'm a genius. I'm a genius. I am the greatest wizard…"
Fen stood up and pointed wand at him.
"Well I just did…. I'm sorry. But it was cool wasn't it? I mean bullets and then peanut butter. Well?"
"We can't have you in the world, Black." Fen said
Lukas shook his head. "Why'd you do it? You could have stolen Fen's wand and hexed us all to death. Now you're caught. And there is only one thing we can do. The Dementors."
"I'm innocent. How many times do I have to tell you people?"
"Really who did it? The one armed man?"
"He's missing a finger." Sirius said.
"You got your movies mixed up, brother."
"Yes that was Hitchcock." Fen said, "With Richard Hannay in 'the 39 steps.'"
"You have to let me escape. You can just turn your heads."
"The problem is we are werewolves too. We like to hunt."
"We like to hunt worthless disgusting psychos who have nothing better to do than kill little kids."
"Who was a going to kill? I was here to see Remus."
"You were here to get Potter." Lukas began baring his teeth.
"No." Sirius shouted "I'd never hurt Harry."
"Maybe."
"Look give a bloke a break. Just let me-"
"Maybe, you're lying to me." Lukas's nostrils flared. He was focused on his prey, trapped and helpless. It was intoxicating. But he had to get control
"Lukas calm down."
"Maybe I was just here to see Remus. That ever occur to you." He shouted.
"Maybe you were. I don't care. You're mine Black." Lukas gripped his wand.
"Just turn yourself in."
"Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe he's behind you."
"Don't play it. He's bluffing. He's sopped after that crazy peanut butter spell. He couldn't do anything but run. He's bargaining."
"Maybe he's sneaking right out of the shadow." Sirius looked into the shadows behind Lukas.
"Lukas. He's playing with you. Just hex him."
"Maybe he's going to jump you right-"
A figure jumped out of the blackness tackling the werewolf.
"Lukas!" Fen joined the fray.
"Crap I thought I was lying." Sirius looked at the struggle. Then before deciding to join, took it upon himself to run like a scared little puppy. He morphed into the black night shape of his animagus form. On towards the Forebidden Forest."
Lukas slapped the giant face of his attacker
Lupin had rescued his mate.
"Lupin?" The voice snarled indignantly.
The attacker drew his wand and pointed it at Lukas.
"What are you doing here?" Lukas trembled. A pale yew wand was at his throat. "Who in the hell are you?"
"Just call me the substitute Dark Arts teacher."
They all stared.
A huge silhouette of a great nose fell against a boulder.
"Mr. Snape?"
"What are you doing back here? Roaming about pointing wands in the middle of the night. I could have hexed this idiot into a frog."
"Idiot? I'm not the one who let Sirius Black get away."
"What are you talking about?" Snape grit his teeth.
"Black is back. He has come to kill Harry Potter."
"Sirius Black is here."
"He was spotted in Surrey, three blocks from Privet Drive. He's been making a bee line here since."
"We figured it out. He knows Remus Lupin. That is the connection."
"Well…" Snape didn't want to refute them.
"Potter was a red herring. Sirius Black wouldn't go after him," Fen said. "Remember what Potter said. If you really think about it makes no sense. There is nothing he can gain. He knows he can't touch Potter."
"What makes you say that?"
"If he's going after Potter then he's evil sure, but he's also stupid." Fen said "And the man we hunted is not stupid. He's not careless either. He's not even that crazy. Just annoying. I'd bet my life on it."
"Are you willing to risk the life of that boy to test your theory?" Snape said. He sensed something. The teacher knew more than he let on.
"You were there Snape. When he tried to kill Harry Potter..."
The teacher's mind was wound in tight knots of confusion. He wasn not confused about what they said.
"Is he going after Potter or Lupin? Because now you've confused me." Snape said.
"We can't explain it right now." Grieves said.
"Remus." Snape flared his nostrils. "He could be after Remus."
"Why didn't you tell us before?"
"Because he is a dangerous criminal and should be caught. I didn't think that you only cared if he was after Potter. Apparently the only thing the Ministry can bother doing about anything is guard that damn Harry Potter."
"But now we've got to protect Remus."
"Remus is in my laboratory. I had to knock him out."
"Oh god what a time for him to be pregnant." Fen Grieves looked like he could punch out a tree with his fist balled like that.
"We'll get our men out here to do perimeter searches of the forest. He'll have to come out eventually."
"There is one solution. Go in after him."
"We don't have the man power to do that. With Centaur and Garou Loupes and Acromantulas. It's hopeless."
"You could maybe talk ten werewolves to go in there, but come on. It's only a week until the full moon. You'd never do it in time."
"So I guess he is lost for now."
"I'll seal off the dungeon." Snape said "My Raven is set to recognize Black on sight."
"Ravens can't see photographs." Lukas said.
"No he knows SOB. I knew him very well…"
"Don't tell me you were at Hogwarts Class of 1978 too?"
"Yes."
Lukas looked at Fen "Do you think he was in the Good house where everyone died or Tongue Ring Amanda's house where everyone was weird?"
"I was in the Bad house where everyone died. Who is this?"
"Auror Lukas Lykos."
Snape took one look at his Puma jumpsuit and reebok sneakers.
"This is going to be fun." Snape closed his robes.
The first chance he got Severus ran towards the dungeons, down the hall to reassure Lupin he wouldn't have to go on a killing spree.
"Remus." Snape panted.
Severus opened the door.
Remus's eyes were hidden by shadow. Severus swallowed nervously. There was something cold in his movements and animal.
"I know what it was. It was Sirius."
"Um."
Remus grit his teeth into fangs "I'll kill them. They shot him." With every vestige of his gentleness and vulnerability gone.
"He's fine…"
Remus growled first, then said one word. "Sirius…"
Severus would never accuse gentleness with weakness again. Remus didn't even see him. He walked straight ahead out the door.
Remus was always rather frightening, not just in his ability to change into a beast, but to change so quickly. To be driven by such maddening and awful compulsions. He'd confused girliness with intemperance of mind. He was motivated by his passions. Love, fear and the darkest anger that lived in his heart. Remus would quickly remind you that passions were dangerous things.
Snape grabbed his elbow as he tried to force his way past Severus, with cold brightness in his eyes. A glint of golden iron. A spark of lightning. Snape couldn't think about over powering him.
"He wasn't shot." He stole Grieves wand or something t was dark and he ran away unshot. I swear.
"Let me out of the way." Remus slapped him aside.
Severus had gotten used to being smacked around. Remus was far stronger than he looked.
"He's not hurt. He ran away." Severus gritted his teeth.
Remus realized what he had done. He gasped.
Remus ran over to him "Severus, are you alright?"
"Not the first scuffle I've been in all night."
"I just…" Remus reached out.
Severus coiled back from his attacker.
"I'm so sorry." Remus said "Let me help you up."
Severus wasn't going to come up with any brilliant retorts now. Not with Lupin about to blow up in rage.
"You were talking about something. How…" Remus hadn't been listening. When he knew Sirius was hurt he had let his passions take over.
"He changed the bullets into peanut butter.
"You don't mean… wandless magic."
"Mindless luck you mean. He got away."
Remus got very strange look on his face.
"But peanut butter…" Remus chuckled lightly.
Severus got a chill at that laugh.
Remus turned away. His chuckles were growing long and drawn louder, rocking his small body. He covered his face. Tears started flowing onto his hands, as he laughed and laughed.
"Remus."
"But they had him. Oh Snape. He's going to be given the Dementor's kiss. They are going to take his soul if they catch him."
Remus grabbed Severus around his chest. "What are we going to do? He can't fight them off."
Severus didn't have time to shake off Remus, his own discomfort ignored. He was falling apart. At least if he was angry, Severus could stop him. He had to snap him out of it. All the month of soft denials and simple insanity falling apart. No tricks, just sorrow from the deepest part of his heart. How long had Remus blocked his own pain. These months at school? His entire pregnancy? since 1981? since his birth?
Snape grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking some sense into him, but instead forcing him to look it his eyes.
"But he can hide like a master. He was in animagus form when I tackled Lukas. On my word, Sirius will make it out of here."
Remus wailed.clutching Snape.
"Look. I had a feeling. And those idiot aurors could have killed someone with that gun. So I tackled him. And I saw it all. Sirius is going to make it. He's going to survive."
Remus stopped snarling, stopped clawing, stopped crying. Severus had done it. He had prevented Lupin from doing something silly. He had stopped his tears.
"I'm crazy, aren't I?"
"Moody and intemperate. But we can't live through days like this without crying."
Remus stared up at him. His gold eyes tired and detailed with red filigree from his tears.
"Why. Why do this for me? Severus."
How many people called him Severus? How many people had he truly helped in his life? How many times had he given some comfort to anyone."
"I didn't… I just saw…"
Remus rested his head against him "Snape thank you."
Severus was the weak one now. The gentle curve of Lupin's lips returned, the softness of his bright eyes. The warmth, behind excess tears.
"I never cry. Not even with him…" Remus sighed.
"It's alright. I haven't done anything spectacular. I'm just standing here making sure you don't go and kill someone."
"I could kiss you." Remus quirked up his mouth. He smiled this time. Remus was a beautiful boy when he smiled, behind the wrinkles and the smears of saline.
Their faces were a breath apart. Severus could feel moisture on Remus's cheek Heat from his skin. Remus was collapsing shattering in his arms. Falling apart in heaves and sighs.
Snape looked around. He was winded from the battle and having anything to hold together in his arms. He had comforted Remus through his madness.
"Um… no?" Severus closed his mouth. But still. The draw of his smiling mouth. Their faces only inched slowly towards each other like glaciers floating along a hot ocean stream with glacial speed.
"No…" Severus's voice shook.
Remus looked up at him wonderingly, tilting his head to the side.
"n…"
Their noses met and they began. How incredible. How lush and sweet his mouth was. How comfort. How glory how…
Snape pulled away. They breathed
How Remus. This was Remus.
"Oh it is just a figure of speech." Remus caught his breath.
Severus put his arms to his side, yanked off Lupin. His eyes had a shocked quality.
"Severus!"
Caius slammed against the wall as he flew towards them.
"Ouch."
[1] GOLDEN GIRLS Rocks my world. The goat is a pet.
