Title: Vanilla Suicide
Author: Juliet DeMarcus
Rating: R
Spoilers: Buffy up to and including "Entropy." Angel up to and including "Double or Nothing."
Summary: Will the events of "Entropy" lead to a tragedy of near-Shakespearean proportions?
Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" are not mine. (But I can dream, right?) I'm not making any money, so don't sue me.
Staring at that paper I focused again on the words...
Two simple words that embodied my humble attempt to capture my slayer as she is to me.
'Vanilla suicide...'
Granted, it's a bit...dramatic. But are we not, either of us, separately or together anything but dramatic?
Dramatically different?
Dramatically similar?
Dramatically tragic?
Dramatically passionate?
Dramatically violent?
Dramatically dark?
Dramatically innocent?
Dramatically, utterly and hopelessly lost?
Oh yes,...all of that, and so much more. How else could I write of her, write of what she is to me? How could it be anything other than dramatic?
'Vanilla Suicide...'
I tried to save myself. I tried to dig her out of my heart. Self-preoccupied bint always seems to suppose I wanted her there!
That *I* would want her there!? Inside me, changing everything I am, causing me to kill in myself all that I have worked so hard to become!
Bringing out all the parts of me, all the parts of that wanker that I bloody well hoped was finally dead.
All those parts that her ex-lover had been so good at killing,...she was even more adept at reviving. Kinda bleedin' ironic if you think about it.
She plucked out all the bloody pain and the emptiness in the darkness,...brought it to the surface and then left me to boil there in it.
And I would bloody *like this*!? Can someone explain this reasoning? I know I'm a vampire, but I'm not *that* perverse! Yet, that's what they all think...that this is some kind of *fun* for me.
Oh right! Being desperately in love with someone who thinks you are nothing more than an 'evil soul-less thing' -- that's just everyone's idea of a frolicking good time! *And they call themselves human!?* Please!
Human -- ha, what a bloody laugh!
I'm more human than human, if that lot is the standard!
And if any one of them were just the slightest bit self-aware they would see it for themselves! But no, they're about as daft as they come... And they won't see it. They don't want to see it.
Just look what that stupid, ungrateful git did to Anya, if you don't believe me. I tell you, I never really saw it coming, that heart-to-heart the demon-girl and I shared. I knew from the start, pretty much what she was up to. Like a true ponce, I decided not to oblige her. William! Bloody hell! Taking pity on the whelp, when I could've wished him dead or tormented for eternity in some hell dimension...or I could've been really cruel... The possibilities were endless! I'll never know what I was thinking. Why I didn't take the opportunity while I had it. Instead, we talked. And I have to say it was...good. Like she said, good to have someone who understood, for once. Never really thought about how much we had in common before. Never thought of truly how much Xander and Buffy had in common until then either.
They don't see that as they 'fight the forces of darkness,' they are so worried they will be affected, or infected maybe, that they are in fact, numbed to the very essences of life that they are supposed to be fighting for.
They don't want to be touched by darkness. It's a singular preoccupation with them. A full time job to keep themselves 'safe' and to be satisfied with their own inflated sense of self-righteousness. They don't see that as time's gone on they have been touched by it. More than touched. They're down right losing their own humanity and they don't even see it!
What is human?
Compassion, for one. How much compassion do Buffy and Xander have? Or, better...how much do they give?
After what Harris had done to her, and then him telling her that she made *him* sick! Just letting lose on her, completely oblivious to the pain *he'd inflicted.*
Such pain, it was... Sitting there, staring into her eyes it had taken me off guard. And as she confided in me, as she confessed to me her worst fears I saw so much of myself in her that I thought it'd kill me.
Our pains fed off each other. Here we were, two 'demons,' the two out of the group who, according to them would know the very *least* about being human... And yet, we were relating with honesty, sharing more understanding and compassion with each other than I'd wager the likes of Buffy or Xander have opened themselves up to in ages.
That's all we were doing really,...even when it went...too far. I had so wanted to reach out to her. I just wanted to wipe it all away...to make it...easier, somehow. I couldn't stand the look in her eyes, when she said those words, when I heard that same despair in them that I felt in my heart each moment, each millisecond of each day.
"What if he's just pretending? ... What if he never wanted me, the way I wanted him?" The sound of the tears in her voice almost broke me.
As I looked at her then, I saw so clearly the strange lopsided irony of it all. That bit about us being more human than human, *that's* the moment when I realized it.
I also realized that...her fear was my reality. I have no doubt that I told her the truth. Xander did want her the way she wanted him... But Buffy ... as much as sometimes I see a glimmer of something I think could mean...
I know the truth. She never wanted me the way I want her.
To Be Continued...
Author: Juliet DeMarcus
Rating: R
Spoilers: Buffy up to and including "Entropy." Angel up to and including "Double or Nothing."
Summary: Will the events of "Entropy" lead to a tragedy of near-Shakespearean proportions?
Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" are not mine. (But I can dream, right?) I'm not making any money, so don't sue me.
Staring at that paper I focused again on the words...
Two simple words that embodied my humble attempt to capture my slayer as she is to me.
'Vanilla suicide...'
Granted, it's a bit...dramatic. But are we not, either of us, separately or together anything but dramatic?
Dramatically different?
Dramatically similar?
Dramatically tragic?
Dramatically passionate?
Dramatically violent?
Dramatically dark?
Dramatically innocent?
Dramatically, utterly and hopelessly lost?
Oh yes,...all of that, and so much more. How else could I write of her, write of what she is to me? How could it be anything other than dramatic?
'Vanilla Suicide...'
I tried to save myself. I tried to dig her out of my heart. Self-preoccupied bint always seems to suppose I wanted her there!
That *I* would want her there!? Inside me, changing everything I am, causing me to kill in myself all that I have worked so hard to become!
Bringing out all the parts of me, all the parts of that wanker that I bloody well hoped was finally dead.
All those parts that her ex-lover had been so good at killing,...she was even more adept at reviving. Kinda bleedin' ironic if you think about it.
She plucked out all the bloody pain and the emptiness in the darkness,...brought it to the surface and then left me to boil there in it.
And I would bloody *like this*!? Can someone explain this reasoning? I know I'm a vampire, but I'm not *that* perverse! Yet, that's what they all think...that this is some kind of *fun* for me.
Oh right! Being desperately in love with someone who thinks you are nothing more than an 'evil soul-less thing' -- that's just everyone's idea of a frolicking good time! *And they call themselves human!?* Please!
Human -- ha, what a bloody laugh!
I'm more human than human, if that lot is the standard!
And if any one of them were just the slightest bit self-aware they would see it for themselves! But no, they're about as daft as they come... And they won't see it. They don't want to see it.
Just look what that stupid, ungrateful git did to Anya, if you don't believe me. I tell you, I never really saw it coming, that heart-to-heart the demon-girl and I shared. I knew from the start, pretty much what she was up to. Like a true ponce, I decided not to oblige her. William! Bloody hell! Taking pity on the whelp, when I could've wished him dead or tormented for eternity in some hell dimension...or I could've been really cruel... The possibilities were endless! I'll never know what I was thinking. Why I didn't take the opportunity while I had it. Instead, we talked. And I have to say it was...good. Like she said, good to have someone who understood, for once. Never really thought about how much we had in common before. Never thought of truly how much Xander and Buffy had in common until then either.
They don't see that as they 'fight the forces of darkness,' they are so worried they will be affected, or infected maybe, that they are in fact, numbed to the very essences of life that they are supposed to be fighting for.
They don't want to be touched by darkness. It's a singular preoccupation with them. A full time job to keep themselves 'safe' and to be satisfied with their own inflated sense of self-righteousness. They don't see that as time's gone on they have been touched by it. More than touched. They're down right losing their own humanity and they don't even see it!
What is human?
Compassion, for one. How much compassion do Buffy and Xander have? Or, better...how much do they give?
After what Harris had done to her, and then him telling her that she made *him* sick! Just letting lose on her, completely oblivious to the pain *he'd inflicted.*
Such pain, it was... Sitting there, staring into her eyes it had taken me off guard. And as she confided in me, as she confessed to me her worst fears I saw so much of myself in her that I thought it'd kill me.
Our pains fed off each other. Here we were, two 'demons,' the two out of the group who, according to them would know the very *least* about being human... And yet, we were relating with honesty, sharing more understanding and compassion with each other than I'd wager the likes of Buffy or Xander have opened themselves up to in ages.
That's all we were doing really,...even when it went...too far. I had so wanted to reach out to her. I just wanted to wipe it all away...to make it...easier, somehow. I couldn't stand the look in her eyes, when she said those words, when I heard that same despair in them that I felt in my heart each moment, each millisecond of each day.
"What if he's just pretending? ... What if he never wanted me, the way I wanted him?" The sound of the tears in her voice almost broke me.
As I looked at her then, I saw so clearly the strange lopsided irony of it all. That bit about us being more human than human, *that's* the moment when I realized it.
I also realized that...her fear was my reality. I have no doubt that I told her the truth. Xander did want her the way she wanted him... But Buffy ... as much as sometimes I see a glimmer of something I think could mean...
I know the truth. She never wanted me the way I want her.
To Be Continued...
