STICKS AND CARROTS

Part One: Sensei

Chapter Four

                It was a clear, fine day. On one horizon there were some clouds, but overhead the sky was brilliant blue and the sun was clear without being blinding or hot.

                Pow! Pop!  Crackers were going off in the sky. And underneath…

                "Ranma's in a duel?!"

                "C'mon! Let's go watch!"

                "Fresh-cooked ramen! Come and get it!"

                "Hey, check out that stage they set up!"

                "I hear Akane's the prize!"

                "No way!!"

                "Does that mean Ranma's gonna be free?"

                "Get real!"

                Akane stared. "The…they're turning this into… into a carnival!"

                Ku Lon, perched on her staff next to the aghast short-haired girl, shaded her eyes to examine the gathered crowd of Furinkan students. "Hmmm. She's late."

                "/Should I get the dumplings, Great-Grandmother?\"

                Ku Lon deprived herself of the staff's support long enough to lightly bonk Xian Pu on the head, managing to get it back under her before she dropped more than a centimeter or so. "Xian Pu, what have I been telling you?"

                Xian Pu blushed slightly. "Speak Japanese, is more nice to customers. Very sorry, Great-Grandmother – Xian Pu just too too excited!"

                'Well… I suppose I can let her off this time.' Ku Lon was in an exceptionally good mood today, after all – and it was a rather exciting time for Xian Pu. Martial arts was about discipline – but childhood was about having fun. And although Xian Pu already knew that this little battle would certainly not rid her of her rival, still she did get to watch her prospective husband trounce a fellow who had pestered her for quite some time. Not quite the gallant hero effect, considering he was doing it for his honor rather than for her – but still a nice thought.

                Xian Pu pulled out the vendor's box she had brought along and slung it over her shoulder, then reached inside and pulled out a tray of dumplings, letting the spicy smell waft through the crowd and draw the attention of customers. (Not that her adorable face and excellent figure did anything to assist in attracting customers, nope-nope, what gave you that idea?) "Hot dumplings! Hot dumplings!" she caroled, strolling through the crowd.

                Ku Lon glanced over at Akane. "Tell me, child – what is Ranma going to do about that little 'man-to-man' clause? She still can't endure warm water." Ku Lon shook her head. "I'm afraid that a man-to-man fight is something of an impossibility at the moment."

                "He'll be here!" Akane snapped. Still, the girl seemed a little nervous.

                Ku Lon looked at her. "Do not be concerned. You are 'prize' in this competition in name only. It has no binding power."

                Akane turned to blink at her. "What are you talking about?"

                "Amazon law, child. Courtship via combat between rivals is a very old and quite outdated custom, but as the presiding Matriarch I have judged this situation similar enough for the rules to apply. One of those rules is the fact that all three concerned parties must consent to the outcome of the match." Ku Lon smiled to herself. 'And oh was Mu Tzu ever annoyed at me for doing so. That boy seems to be in the habit of considering himself to be outside the laws these days… I shall have to correct that.'

                Akane Glared. Capital letter visible. "They. Are. Not. Courting. Me!"

                "True. This is an honor duel, which makes your position as 'prize' even more invalid. If this were a true courtship matter, you and I would be co-referees and judges of the competition. Of course, if this were a true courtship case, then it should be Xian Pu standing as the prize, considering that Mu Tzu has eyes only for her." 'And sometimes not even her,' Ku Lon thought in amusement. She knew it was bad of her to be entertained by the boy's handicap… but his antics were laughable.

                "Really?" Akane looked at her curiously.

                'Excellent. She's starting to relax.' This was, of course, another aspect of Ku Lon's little carrot-campaign. Making friends with Ranma's companions would make her more approachable to Ranma. Besides – the girl wasn't hopeless. She might indeed be a very good student. Ranma might be Ku Lon's priority, but she had no intentions of letting all this potential around her go to waste.

                'I wonder if Japanese simply have a native talent, or if it's just something about this area that seems to attract them?' After glancing at some of the other students, she added, 'Or maybe they just have pinnacles of ability to compensate for the low potential of the average person.'

                Before Ku Lon could explain her statement to Akane, however, a shout caught their attention. "So, Saotome Ranma! You have come!"

                Akane immediately perked up and turned. "See! I told you he'd…"

                She made a little erk sound and jumped, too weirded-out to facefault. After all, Mu Tzu was currently glaring eye-to-eye with a very plain fellow who'd just bought some dumplings.

                "Um… d'you want something?" the boy asked.

                "Our man-to-man fight!" Mu Tzu snarled. There was an edge of satisfaction, as though 'Ranma's' 'pretended innocence' were proving the other boy a coward.

                Ku Lon stared at the tableau incredulously, then jumped up and firmly thwacked Mu Tzu with her staff. "You think that's Ranma?" she demanded.

                Mu Tzu turned to stare at her. Tension gathered.

                Then he drew himself up in horror. "You certainly have shriveled up, Saotome!"

                Ku Lon borrowed a page from Akane's book and Glared, with enough force that even without his glasses Mu Tzu shrank back. "Put your glasses on, idiot!" she snapped.

                Bip. Spectacles in place, Mu Tzu peered.

                "It…it's a ghoul!" he said in wonder.

                Forget the staff; Ku Lon went for a nice, old-fashioned fist-whack on the back of the boy's bent head. "/By my ancestors, sometimes I believe Mu Tzu fakes his blindness – just to get away with comments like that,\" she grumbled to herself in Mandarin.

                "INTO THE RING, MOUSSE!" a ringing voice shouted from above.

                "Eh?" Mu Tzu stiffened.

                "Ranma?" Akane said, looking up curiously.

                Ku Lon smiled to herself. 'Finally. I wonder what she… he has been up to.'

                Ranma whirled through the air, somersaulting gracefully over and over as she descended to the stage. A stir went through the crowds as everyone gathered for the event. She touched down with the grace of a cat…

                Completely enwrapped by a robe with absolutely ridiculous glasses covering her eyes. "Sorry to keep you waiting!" she declared, sounding about ready to laugh.

                A yammer went up from the gathered students. "He's wearing too many clothes!"

                "How can we be sure that it's him?"

                Mu Tzu did not seem to share the students' misgivings… but then again, he'd taken off his glasses again, and he was used to mistaking people anyway. He probably didn't even notice how much shorter Ranma had become. He leapt onto the stage.

                "So, Ranma! You have come!"

                The yammering continued. "Well, he seems sure."

                "So does Akane, and she'd know, right?"

                "I guess it's him!"

                "What's up with the clothes, then?"

                Next to Ku Lon, Akane swabbed cold sweat from her brow with an incredulous expression. "This is worse than the Rhythmic Gymnastics match," she grumbled to herself. "I can't believe he keeps pulling stuff like this off…"

                Ku Lon chuckled as she hopped into Xian Pu's now-empty dumpling box – no reason to distract herself from the fight, even with something as trivial as balancing on her staff. "You'd be amazed what the human mind can edit out to maintain their image of reality."

                To her surprise Akane gave her a sardonically amused look. "You haven't met Kuno."

                "Eh?" But the girl plainly was going to leave her statement at that. Shrugging, Ku Lon straightened and raised a hand into the air. "Begin!" she shouted, and Mu Tzu replaced his glasses.

                From under her ridiculously oversized sunglasses, Ranma smirked. "Well then… ALLOW ME!"

                There was an explosion of colored smoke and ribbons, and Mu Tzu suddenly found himself the target of a hail of party favors and a rush of rather blitzed-looking rabbits. "WHAT?!" Shielding himself from a swarm of white birds rushing past, he demanded furiously, "What is this?!"

                Ranma chuckled, shooing the last birds out of her sleeves. "What'sa matter, Mousse?" she asked tauntingly. "No more tricks up yer sleeve?"

                Mousse pulled himself up to stand tall, wrapping himself with dignity as he slid his glasses from his face. "'Tricks'?" he demanded softly. "You dare call my techniques… 'tricks'?"

                Ranma waved her hands negligently, and as some playing cards fluttered out of the sleeves Ku Lon realized that the makeshift robe – plainly a parody of Mu Tzu's own, now that she could see it a little better – was decidedly big for Ranma.

                To disguise her smaller build…? To hide the toys she was teasing Mu Tzu with…? Or was it to conceal something else? Time would tell…

                "So what else is this 'Hidden Weapon' business o' yours…" Ranma asked tauntingly, sticking her tongue out as huge bouquets of flowers popped out of her sleeves, "…'cept just a cute little magic show?"

                Mu Tzu turned away, eyes lidded as though to control his anger, and slipped his glasses back on. "So. Is that what you think?"

                His hair fell down to hide his face as he continued. "Then it's time you learned…" he began, sweeping his arms upward through an atmosphere of menace, "…the true terror of the hidden weapon!…

                "THE BLOW OF THE CHICKEN EGG!" he roared, and as his arms swept upwards with a flaring of his robes an image seemed to form around him. Awesome and terrible, it coalesced into a chicken rampant.

                As everyone stared, transfixed in dread and awe (or maybe just disbelief), Mu Tzu raised a hand, and the chicken on it bukked and released a half-dozen eggs which Mu Tzu caught with disciplined care and flung at Ranma.

                BOOM!

                "Yow!" Ranma said, having leapt clear of the explosion. "Egg bombs!" Quickly recovering from her momentary surprise, she easily leapt over Mu Tzu's spin kick as she laughed, "Just another trick."

                "Take that back!" Mu Tzu demanded, flinging a flurry of chains and ropes at Ranma.

                "YAA!" Ranma flipped over in midair and snatched one of the 'party favor' ribbons she'd tossed lightly about earlier. In her hands it became a spiral, deflecting the chains.

                Akane gasped. "That… that's one of the techniques of…"

                "Awesome!" a girl in the stands crowed. "Hey, look! Ranma's using a Rhythmic Martial Arts technique!"

                Ranma grinned and tossed the ribbon (now badly slashed and torn) aside. Mu Tzu glared, but did not seem dissuaded by the temporary stalemate. "Have you run out of silly tricks?" he demanded, clearly frustrated by Ranma's apparent lack of ability to take this challenge seriously.

                Ranma grinned. "I'm just getting warmed up. Now, for my grand finale…" Tucking into a ball again and trailing bits of ribbon and chain, she shouted, "a gesture of respect!"

                Poooom! Ranma vanished in a cloud of crimson smoke.

                "Yow!"

                "He blew himself up?!"

                As the smoke faded, a whirl of pale flower petals tumbled down, accented by shreds of the huge robe. And a lithe red-clad figure dropped gracefully down to land with a delicate touch on the square.

                And everyone stared.

                There Ranma stood… in full feminine grace. Although the pigtail remained, a flower-shaped clip glimmered at the end, accented by gold and red clip-on earrings. And she was wrapped in a beautiful scarlet Chinese dress with a knee-length skirt that was slit on the sides all the way up to the hip, with golden roses embroidered on it.

                "I become a woman!" she announced.

                No, everyone didn't stare. Everyone Stared.

                "It's…It's incredible!"

                "It looks so real!"

                Amongst the male students of Furinkan, drooling abounded.

                Xian Pu started to say something in Mandarin, then caught herself and said it in Japanese, although so quietly that probably only Ku Lon could hear her. "Aiyah! Girl-Airen look too too good in… Xian Pu's old dress?"

                And Ku Lon… smirked. 'So that's what the child was up to when she asked for one of Xian Pu's outfits. Amazing, the lengths one will go to in a challenge…'

                Ranma dropped into a combat-ready pose and smirked – plainly unaware of what the sight of her perfectly formed legs and lovely figure was doing to the crowd. "Now, Mousse!" she announced. "Even dressed as a girl, I'm more than enough for ya!"

                Mu Tzu stared, enraged. And fortunately for Ranma, he did not seem to recognize the dress as once being Xian Pu's (not surprising, given his vision), or his fury would doubtless have been even worse. "Why you…! Disguising yourself like that!" he roared. "Do you want to make a fool of me?!"

                Ranma's smirk didn't change a bit. "C'mon, I think you should be honored that I went t' the trouble of presentin' ya with a proper image of a warrior! After all, you are an Amazon, right?"

                Ku Lon grinned. "That child is quite the character, at least. A clever dodge, that."

                Xian Pu just shook her head. "They really think… he just disguised?"

                Akane's jaw had dropped. "He… he did it!" Jumping up, she shouted, "That's the way to sell 'em, Ranma!"

                Ku Lon smiled. Her demonstration of the night before and some of her conversations had apparently been quite useful to the boy. And given the tight fit of the dress, she could also see that Ranma was wearing something – not a bra, the lines were wrong, but something all the same – to control the interference of her chest. Perhaps her little talk regarding that topic had not fallen on completely deaf ears, after all.

                Mu Tzu's eyes narrowed – at some point he had removed his glasses (again) – and with a smooth movement he swept his own robe off, revealing a well-formed chest that had a fair number of girls in the audience sighing in admiration (no one seemed to pay any attention to the squeaky-frog toy, the ping-pong paddle, the can-opener, the ribbon-tied dagger, the sai, the brass knuckles or the hairbrush that fell out as he did so). "Now I know what you want!"

                "Huh?" Ranma said, watching him warily. Ku Lon wondered if she was bracing herself for another glomp-attempt or something.

                (There was a shout next to them – promptly silenced as Akane punched someone in the back of the head, sending them down swirly-eyed into dreamland. "Kuno no baka," the girl grumbled without taking her eyes off the drama on the arena.)

                But Mu Tzu simply drew himself up into a one-legged fighting stance, radiating menace so powerfully the air around him almost audibly crackled. "Time to put away out tricks," he said in a dangerous voice. "Time to fight with bodies alone."

                "Oooh," Xian Pu said, sounding impressed. "Mu Tzu is angry!"

                "Heh," Akane said, sounding a little smug. "In hand-to-hand combat, Ranma can't lose."

                "This is what you want!" Mu Tzu shouted, lunging forwards to launch a storm of relatively straightforward fist-jabs. "Admit it!"

                "Actually," Ranma said in an almost cheery, conversational voice, "it's not even close t' what I wanted." As she spoke, the girl glided around each and every blow with fluid grace and an ease that was insulting. When the moment was right, she slipped out of Mu Tzu's range and the two separated, readied for the next exchange.

                Then Mu Tzu made a flying leap and Ranma sprang into the air as well, the two hurtling towards each other. Ku Lon winced. 'Ranma's going to try a cross-counter-kick. I thought she was smarter than that! Her arms and legs are too much shorter than Mu Tzu's for that tactic to do anything but give him a free hit!'

                Then Ku Lon learned that even Amazon Elders could misread a fighter's intent… for instead of making a foolish mistake by trying to sneak a kick in right along the line of Mu Tzu's own leg, Ranma suddenly snapped her feet around Mu Tzu's foot and just dropped, breaking his momentum with her own and sending them both tumbling downward in nearly straight lines. Ranma flipped like a cat and came down lightly on her hands, then bounced up, twirled and twisted, and landed facing Mu Tzu. Mu Tzu, not as adept in midair maneuvers, managed a stable landing, but not nearly one of the grace or ease of Ranma's, and he was forced to wrench himself around to face the girl before Ranma had a chance to take advantage of his turned back.

                Ku Lon smiled at herself. This was a quite even match at the moment. Mu Tzu was now fully aware that when it came to completely aerial exchanges Ranma would hold the advantage. However, Mu Tzu had the dual advantages of strength and reach for the moment, enhanced by his weapons. Unless and until Mu Tzu made a mistake, Ranma would have to play defensive.

                Mu Tzu smirked slightly. "If you wish any chance at victory," he declared – then charged forwards and swept a foot upwards in a rising front-kick, "…shed this disguise and fight man-to-man!"

                Ranma dropped backwards and tumbled to the side, coming up to her feet again easily. There was a slicing noise, and the bottom hem of the front panel of the dress fluttered away, cleanly cut off although Mu Tzu had not seemed to get anywhere close. Ranma's eyes narrowed, and Ku Lon could almost hear her mind shift from 'entertained' to 'serious'. The jokes and tricks were gone – it was time to fight.

                Mu Tzu didn't give her a chance to attack, though; he charged in, snapping off a combination of high kicks which Ranma leapt into the air to avoid. Mu Tzu was already lunging again when Ranma came down for a landing. Somehow, the girl went airborne again, but her haste added a spin to her leap and Mu Tzu's foot was coming for her face.

                Clap!

                Ranma came down for a landing and took Mu Tzu's shoe with her, at a safe distance from the other fighter.

                "What th' heck is this?" she demanded, flinging the slipper out so all could see the needle protruding from the toe.

                Xian Pu tsked; Akane's objection was slightly more strident. "Mousse!" She slammed her fists on the arena edge. "What happened to fighting 'with bodies alone'?!"

                Mu Tzu smiled smugly. "Who do you think I am?" he asked. "I am Mu Tzu, master of concealed weapons! My weapons… are my body!"

                Something whistled through the air; only highly-trained reflexes and a great deal of experience allowed Ku Lon to identify the item as a fishing hook and twine which Mu Tzu apparently had hidden in his hair.

                Ranma dodged the hook and caught the twine, yanking viciously and pulling Mu Tzu off-balance with surprise. "Hah! Anybody who needs t' add on t' what they already got…" She lunged. "…isn't a real fighter!"

                Mu Tzu turned away, raising one arm high over his head and holding it flat at a strange angle. Power seemed to gather around him.

                "THE BLOW OF THE OSTRICH LEG!" he roared, suddenly snapping a leg upwards until his two legs formed a perfectly straight line perpendicular to the ground, as an image of the posing bird seemed to form around him.

                "Whoa!" Ranma yelped, twisting in midair to evade. Then… "An opening!" she shouted, wrenching herself around to slam her foot into the side of Mu Tzu's face. The only available angle was poor and so she could not put her full strength behind the kick. On the other hand, the end result wasn't much better for the boy… she'd kicked his glasses off.

                Everyone was on the edge of their seats how with excitement and anticipation.

                "His glasses!"

                "He'll be blind!"

                "Ranma's got it wrapped!"

                "Not quite!" Mu Tzu declared, flinging something at Ranma that exploded with a loud POOMF!

                The crowd began shouting and scattering as the acrid cloud began to spead. Everyone who breathed the fumes broke into hacking coughs and rubbed furiously at their eyes. "Tear gas!" someone shouted as they ran for safety. The fight wasn't fun anymore.

                Xian Pu grabbed a dropped fan and began hastily wafting the cloud away from them. Ku Lon's eyes narrowed. 'A clever tactic… and a very, very bad choice as well. Clearly when this is over I will need to drill the concept of 'innocent bystander' into that boy's head.'

                Somewhere inside the cloud, Mu Tzu was laughing. "Now we're even!" he crowed.

                "Y' little…" Ranma snarled between coughs. The gas was dissipating now, and Ku Lon could make out Ranma, crouched in a defensive position in the center of the ring.

                A shout turned everyone's eyes upward. "RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!"

                And down Mu Tzu came, shoes adorned with three razor-sharp claws each on each foot, arms outflung, fingers pointed downward like talons. And about him menace gathered like an intent bird of prey, silhouetted against the sky as clouds gathered and thunder rolled in counterpoint to cries of shock from the audience and Akane's dismayed "Ranma!"

                "THE HAWK'S TALON!"

                And Ranma… fehed. Then she flipped forwards and shot upwards in a handspring, kicking her slippers off.

                "The SHISH-KEBOB!" she shouted.

                The Hawk's Talon had one very big weakness. It was a devastating finishing move… but it left Mu Tzu's center wide open. Ranma's legs might be shorter as a female – but they were more than long enough to go through that opening and catch hold of Mu Tzu's head. Perhaps most impressive of all, the shock of the clash manifested around them as… a shish-kebob, with Ranma as the stick and the completely derailed Mu Tzu as the meat.

                Ranma flipped upward, using Mu Tzu's chest as a pivot point, before anyone really registered that the two had been locked momentarily in a pose that, had the situation been anything other than… well, what the situation was, their parents would probably have ordered them to get married that minute. She slapped Mu Tzu's glasses back onto his face. "Here y'go. It's no fun if ya can't see."

                If looks could kill, rivalry would be a lost art. "Ranma, I will kill you!"

                Mu Tzu didn't even seem to notice that they'd landed. Ranma didn't give him a second chance. "Then look at this!" she shouted, landing a spin kick squarely on his chin.

                The first blow Ranma had landed earlier had been at a bad angle, more a distracting move than an attack. This was not. Mu Tzu went flying and crashed to the floor of the square like a disjointed marionette with its strings cut, out for the count… and probably the rest of the hour while he was at it.

                Akane and Xian Pu both cheered – then promptly noticed each other and locked themselves in a stare-down contest. Ku Lon smiled and hopped back onto her staff, boinging over to the arena.

                "Congratulations," she told Ranma with a broad grin. "Very well done… and allow me to compliment you on your style regarding your… condition."

                "Yep. Lookin' good, Saotome," Nabiki drawled, strolling forward and just coincidentally walking between Xian Pu and Akane, ending the little glare-off. "Now where did you get such a cute dress, I wonder…?"

                "Ah, borrowed it offa Ku Lon," Ranma said flippantly, waving her hand. Then she paused, apparently noticing for the first time the sliced skirt and the numerous other scuffs, rips and cuts left over from the battle. "Ummm…" She scratched the base of her pigtail. "It's kinda… ummm… ripped up. Sorry 'bout that…"

                Ku Lon eyed the dress. Hmmm… the cuts weren't that bad… in fact, they were pleasingly symmetrical, and the angled cut of the front hem was actually rather stylish… Xian Pu wasn't half bad with a needle – it was a useful hobby when one was a martial artist and often left a battle with damaged clothing. Xian Pu also possessed a unique talent for taking damaged clothing and turning what was once an unsightly tear or cut and making it into something radically striking… She'd have to keep that in mind.

                "Don't worry; simply return it and as many other pieces as you can when you have the opportunity," she said with a smile. "Xian Pu bought it without trying it on, the silly girl; it's rather small on her. But I dare say it at least fits you."

                "Heh." Ranma flicked her pigtail over her shoulder. "Th' look on his face was worth it." She glanced up as thunder rolled again and the first few droplets of rain began to spatter down. "Erk. I'm outta here!"

                "Good idea," Ku Lon murmured. "Xian Pu…" She sighed.

                "Mwoar?"

                "Nevermind. Wake up Mu Tzu, if you please." Ku Lon pulled an umbrella out and spread it above herself, then quickly bundled up Xian Pu's dropped clothing and tucked it into the empty vendor-box.

                Mu Tzu was not happy.

                "/It was a duel! You know that my techniques…!\"

                Whack. And not one of the playful, chiding whaps she normally dished out as a matter of course. This was a serious matter, and Ku Lon was treating it as such. "/Mu Tzu, you are perfectly aware that there are limitations placed on techniques which are considered permissible in a battle with bystanders. In another situation, yes, I would have applauded your quick thinking with the tear gas, and I am not punishing you for using them against Ranma. And address me as Elder!\"

                "/Then what's this all about?\" Mu Tzu demanded.

                Ku Lon fixed him with a withering stare that got him to shrink back, bad eyes or no. "/This, as you so eloquently put it, is 'all about' using an area-effect weapon in a careless manner which endangered non-combatant bystanders. Had this duel been fought in the village, you would have immediately been judged dishonorable and therefore Ranma would have won by default, even had she not soundly defeated you.\"

                Mu Tzu gaped at her, and even Xian Pu blinked. "Aiyah!" the girl exclaimed. She regularly accompanied Ku Lon in these lesser judgments – the ones which did not require discretion, nor were serious enough to warrant a convening of the Elders. "/I was unaware of that law, Grea… Matriarch.\" In these formal settings, the familial form of address was not permitted.

                "/I've never heard of such a thing in my life!\" Mu Tzu said fiercely, clearly unhappy.

                Ku Lon sighed. "/Yes, you have,\" she said sternly, "/although the actual law has not been needed for some time. I will not burden you with the complete history, but in the time before the law, wars could begin because a careless fighter harmed or even killed a bystander watching a formal duel. There was even a time when less honorable warriors would intentionally maneuver an opponent so that someone important to them was behind them, and then let loose a barrage of thrown weapons, knowing that their opponent would either be aware of the risk and therefore be unable to dodge the weapons, or dodge and then be distracted by the danger to their dear one.\"

                Comprehension dawned in the children's faces, as well as shame in Mu Tzu's; they had heard stories about some of the dishonorable curs who used such tactics. The boy was not a bad sort, though he was obsessed and tended to consider himself above the law at times. He honestly did not mean to harm anyone. However, occasionally he would set his own rules aside if it was convenient for him.

                "/Which leads me to your second wrong, Mu Tzu,\" Ku Lon said sternly. "/It is our way to challenge obstacles and overcome them. We do not involve others!\"

                "/What… Oh, his woman. As if…\"

                Ku Lon interrupted. "/You disappoint me, Mu Tzu. I thought you knew our ways better than this. The girl's name is Tendou Akane; we do not refer to anyone as an object or a possession. Nor do we treat them as such! She is not 'Ranma's woman,' she is a person in her own right and by the standards of the locals here she is a strong warrior.\" Ku Lon ignored Xian Pu's prideful sniff. Her heir had a habit of disparaging the abilities of anyone who rivaled her – rather ironically, it was a trait which the Tendou girl shared. "/Your quarrel, as it stood, was with Ranma alone. You had no right to involve any other than he.\"

                "/But Xian Pu has fought her!\" Mu Tzu objected.

                "/Naturally,\" Ku Lon said dryly. "/Akane is her rival for Ranma's hand, after all. But she has remained within her appropriate limits. Xian Pu does not draw Akane's sisters or father into their rivalry; she is aware that her conflict is with Akane, and Akane alone.\"

                Xian Pu straightened a little with pride; Ku Lon caught the movement in the corner of her eye. While Ku Lon's statement might have sounded brisk, there was an underlying compliment there. In a way, Ku Lon was congratulating Xian Pu for the way she handled herself in relation to Akane – and simultaneously warning Xian Pu not to let herself starting thinking of the girl as simply an obstacle to be crushed.

                Mu Tzu sighed and hung his head, apparently accepting that this was an argument which he could not win. "/What would you have me do as atonement, Elder?\" he asked.

                Ku Lon studied him carefully. "/Your errors were these: carelessly endangering non-combatants, intentionally involving a non-contending companion of your opponent, and disparaging the name and personhood of that same companion.\" Ku Lon hopped over to a cushion and sat, thinking.

                Finally, she said, "/Your atonement shall be thus. Come tomorrow, you will wait outside of Furinkan High School. During the afternoon break, you are to make a formal, public apology to all who were affected by the tear gas. Following this, you are to formally and publicly apologize to Tendou Akane for setting her as a prize without her consent, speaking of her as a non-person and involving her in a personal conflict.

                "/Finally, you will formally acknowledge Ranma's victory over you today, to Ranma, in person, and once again, publicly.\"

                Mu Tzu fumed – she could actually see storm clouds gathering over his head. "/You would have me humiliate myself in front of all these outsiders?\"

                "/Perhaps a taste of humility would do you some good,\" Xian Pu said coolly, and Ku Lon inwardly smiled. There were times when Xian Pu's apparently juvenile behavior broke and she truly came through as the Amazon woman she was becoming. With Xian Pu's words chiding him, Mu Tzu would carry out his sentence to the letter.

                Ku Lon steepled her fingers. "/There is another matter that must be attended to. Your final atonement, Mu Tzu, is to speak in private with Ranma and hear his – or her, if you care – side of Xian Pu's defeat. You are to hear Ranma out, and I expect you to give me a full explanation of what Ranma thinks of this situation. Perhaps this will convince you to hear someone out before you attack them.

                "/When these tasks are completed, you are to return to the village. You are dismissed.\"

                Mu Tzu turned on his heel and stalked out. Xian Pu looked at Ku Lon. "/What…\" She caught herself before Ku Lon could chide her. "Xian Pu leave too, Great-Grandmother?"

                Ku Lon shook her head and stretched a bit. "No need, child. Come – we will be opening the restaurant soon, and at least half of the furniture is still packed."

                Once Xian Pu was properly in bed, Ku Lon retired to her room. No longer under the pressure of inspiring an imposing and dignified presence, she flopped on her bed, rolled over on her tummy, kicked her feet in the air, and started shuffling through a blank-covered hardback book labeled on the title page, clearly and neatly in Chinese: "Basic Training Guide to Ancient Amazon Secret Techniques: Twenty-Second Edition." Instead of a dedication, the next page said clearly: "Warning. The contained techniques can be hazardous to one's health. Do not even dream of touching them without skillful guidance – preferably by an Elder, because that's the only way you'd be able to use them without being hunted down and married and/or killed anyway."

                Ku Lon smirked. Genma, Happosai and all their ilk were idiots. What sort of idiot kept arcane martial arts secrets on moldy old scrolls that threatened to crumble at the slightest touch with handwriting so bad it was painful to even look at in this modern day and age? Not to mention the allergic reactions they courted. No, the Elders had some time ago transferred their collected knowledge into books, with blank pages in the back for recording other techniques, and periodically they would bring their copies together and select techniques worthy of including in the next edition.

                The scrolls kept under lock and key were actually excerpts from Sun Tzu's "The Art of War," liberally spiced with "1,111 World's Worst Jokes" and various bits of fortune-cookie wisdom. After all, anyone who devoted the time, skill, effort and resources to stealing the scrolls and translating the archaic Mandarin and illegible handwriting deserved some reward for their efforts. The real manuals – the books – were handed out at each printing to the Elders, who tucked them away in safe places. Ku Lon only knew a few; one Elder fond of reminiscing mixed hers in with her old photo albums that everyone had memorized by the time they were seven and hoped never to see again. Another kept hers with her collection of cheap, corny romance novels that no one with any ounce of respect, even a panty-thief, would dare touch with a ten-meter pole. Another kept hers with the recipe books for her infamous concoctions such as brussel-sprout-and-prune cough syrup ("The worse it tastes, the faster they'll get better!").

                Ku Lon personally kept hers tucked on her little personal bookshelf next to her "World's Craziest Crosswords Compilation" (the 3-D ones were killer) and rather impressive collection of manga. Hey, a girl's gotta have her hobbies, even a girl two hundred years old.

                Ku Lon began flipping through the book, humming to herself as she contemplated the various techniques described within. Some were no more than simple physical training – the Amiguriken for speed, the Bakusai Tenketsu for endurance – while others were based on the use and understanding of ki. She already knew a few that Ranma would learn – but there were many, many others, and how was she to choose?

                Not all Ancient Amazon Secret Techniques were devastating attacks or awe-inspiring physical training. Some were just plain silly tricks that various Amazons had employed over the years against various opponents on whom normal tactics just didn't work. (Although some were, in their own way, devastating. Using something like the Attack of the Chocolate Cupcakes against an opponent who happened to be dieting was just brutal.)

                But for every ridiculous or unlikely technique, there would come a situation where it could be the best solution – or perhaps even the only solution.

                Ku Lon flipped through the book again. She wasn't really looking for anything in particular – just scanning for techniques that might appeal to Ranma and making a mental note if she thought one would be suited to some of the other high potentials in the area. 'Secret' techniques was, after all, something of an overstatement. A convenient one, but as a Matriarch, she did have the authority to distribute them as she desired.

                Hmmm… Attack of the Thousand Fingers? Oh, a tickle-assault. Hmmm… might be amusing. The original purpose was a just-for-fun trick to play on your sparring partner or to exhaust small children so that they would go to bed without a fuss, but it could easily be adapted to shiatsu… after all, it already incorporated the Ticklish Point. 'Hmmm… Maybe, but not yet. The boy has enough fiancée problems without putting his hands all over someone.'

                The boy's strengths were many. Perhaps, instead of searching for techniques to enhance them, she should begin looking for ways of improving the parts of his training that had been neglected. Once she had a direction, she could begin laying a foundation as she prepared Ranma for the Amiguriken.

                Humming cheerfully to herself, Ku Lon flipped to the meditation section and began browsing.

(A.N. I'm sorry this took so long to come out. My tone became more serious as the fight went on, and finally I realized that if I didn't want to write myself into a pit I had better start working on some silly scenes as well. Ranma 1/2 is a comedy first and foremost, after all.

                I'm currently standing at a fork in the road regarding this story, however. So far, I have remained fairly close to the canon Ranma plotline. However, as time goes on, the changes are getting bigger and bigger. So now I raise a question: do I try to stay close to the original, or do I start branching off in new directions? If I do, then I'm going to have to sit back for a while and take a look at this. As I mentioned earlier, as of yet it's unfortunately a bit lacking in self-contained plot.

                Regarding Ranma's fighting outfit; if Ranma could wear an outfit like the canon one, then a Chinese dress isn't such a big stretch. He was doing it for tactical advantage and shock-effect, after all, and given as he spent some time discussing Amazons with Ku Lon during the training, he was exposed to plenty of brainstorm material.

                By the way – I'm still open for any suggestions regarding techniques (silly or serious).

                And don't forget – the more reviews I get, the more likely it is that I will give this story priority. Read and review!)