Title: Vanilla Suicide
Author: Juliet DeMarcus
Rating: R
Spoilers: Buffy up to and including "Entropy." Angel up to and including "Double or Nothing."
Summary: Will the events of "Entropy" lead to a tragedy of near-Shakespearean proportions?
Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" are not mine. (But I can dream, right?) I'm not making any money, so don't sue me.
A/N: Finally, a new chapter. Hey I'm back in the game! Sorry for the long absence…I really do have excuses (which I won't list here), but thanks to all those who have stuck with me on this one.
The chapter is kind of a song chapter. The song is "Paradise" by Vanessa Carlton. Song lyrics are presented as: ~"song lyric"~
All that being said, enjoy! And please review. Pretty please?







Thursday Night



Buffy found herself outside of the Bronze. She didn't know why she had come…probably for a little distraction. She needed distraction… Yes, distraction was definitely of the good.

Problem was, she really didn't want to be there. She wanted to be at home asleep, or out killing something. Somewhere that she couldn't think, and didn't have time to mope…no not mope… 'Why would I mope over *Spike*?' …to fume over what Spike had done…to Xander.

It wasn't that mattered to her. She'd told him to move on, after all. But he'd hurt Xander in the process. He'd possibly signed and sealed the end of Xander and Anya's relationship forever -- if it had not already been beyond repair.

She felt a flash of heat run through her at the memory of what she'd said to him in the ally the night he and Anya had been discovered -- "Didn't take long, did it?"

She was angry. Furious. She wasn't thinking. He probably thought that it meant something, meant that she was…jealous. That was laughable. He was an evil, bloodsucking vampire. Without a soul. She didn't love him. She used him.

'So why do you have to keep telling yourself that?'

"Shut-up, no more thoughts about the evil bloodsucking fend," she spoke aloud to her own thoughts as she walked toward the entrance of the Bronze. She'd heard from Willow and Tara that Vanessa Carlton was going to be there tonight.

Maybe the music would distract her.

As she went inside she saw that the performer had indeed drawn a large crowd. The bar and all the tables were full. And there were a lot of people just standing around and listening.

The place was more packed than she had seen it for awhile. She scanned the tight gathering for Willow and Tara, knowing they must've been around considering they had both been so excited about going out, for their first semi-official date since having broken up.

Buffy smiled at the thought. 'At least somebody's happy and in love.' She sighed. 'No feeling sorry for yourself either,' she scolded. Willow and Tara really did deserve their happiness and it was great that they had begun to patch things up and repair the damage that had been done by Willow's overuse of the magicks. But… 'Why can't everyone be that happy…Why not Xander and Anya, why not me and Sp-…Whoa…not me and Spike…me and … someone. … Will I ever have someone?'

She hated thinking this way. It was really pathetic she knew. She had promised herself that she could do fine on her own…and she *had* been doing pretty well. Then she had to die and be brought back and find the only person she could talk to was a dead sexy vampire who was strangely enough, always around when she needed him.
'Damn it! No more thinking about *him*!'

She gave up her search for Willow and Tara. The crowd was too heavy and besides, they probably wanted to be alone anyway. She successfully swept away the accompanying wave of self-pity that came along with that thought and listened intently to the song.

It was the only song of Vanessa Carlton's she really knew. The one that played on the radio a lot…with all that piano action going on. Willow loved her music and she had bought the cd, but Buffy hadn't had much time or mental energy to devote to the music listening for a while now.

The song was really pretty, though. Kind of made Buffy wish that she could play the piano…or something, seemed like a good way to release things, express things. All Buffy did to release and express was kill vamps… 'and have sex with Spike,' her mind helpfully amended. She sighed. She couldn't see a thing from where she was standing.

She decided to make her way up to the loft, so she might get a place where she could see more of what was going on and maybe catch a glimpse of her friends somewhere too. As she made her way up the stairs she heard the song finishing up and the next one beginning.
The piano was really impressive sounding. She wished she'd gotten there earlier.

She settled into a spot by the railing, just abandoned by a couple that looked as if they were about to go and get some serious smooching action going on.

She sighed again. She was sick of sighing. When had she started doing that so much? She was going to hyperventilate if she didn't stop soon.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Xander blinked a couple times in the surprising brightness of his surroundings, trying to take everything in. Sterile, white, that subtle smell… the hospital. 'Hey, wait a minute…Why am I in the hospital?'

He began turning his head to see if there was anyone else in the room with him and he felt the soreness in his neck. His had flew up to touch -- it was covered in a dressing. '*Vampires*… I was attacked by vampires…' He inspected his wrist which was also wrapped in a sterile dressing. The memories were all flooding back to him…

Spike at Joyce's grave, the rage -- then the vamps, fighting against them, feeling himself being drained. Things starting to get dark…and then…Spike, saying his name, staring at him, looking horrified. Then nothing.

"Oh, you're awake," a chipper woman's voice startled him out of his thoughts and he turned his head quickly to see her, only to wince in pain from the wound on his neck. The nurse was probably in her thirties with strawberry blonde hair and a friendly green eyes. "You lost quite a lot of blood there. How are you feeling?"

"Um,…weird actually. I can't remember how I got here."

"Do you remember what happened to you?," the nurse asked curiously, eyeing his injured wrist.

Xander averted his eyes. What do you say? 'Oh I was just stalking a vampire in the cemetery and happened to get caught by a couple other vampires in the process who tried to drain me before…'

"I don't remember. … Do you know how I got here?"

"Oh yes. A friend brought you in."

Xander's face told of his confusion. The nurse saw this and continued, sounding sympathetic. "He was really upset too. I wasn't there but they tell me he was a wreck. Talking to himself and yelling at the medics to save you and falling on the ground and crying."

Xander felt a massive relief flood his system. So, it wasn't Spike that had saved his life. 'It must've just been some guy walking around in the cemetery who found me and got spooked, and…'

"Who was he?"

"Oh um, we didn't get a name. He didn't stay. Got right back into his car and sped away after the outburst, they said. Made quite the impression before he left though."

Xander watched the nurse thoughtfully for a moment as she took some pills off a cart and began to pour some water from a pitcher into a little paper cup.

"What did he look like? Do you know?"

"Here, take these, and drink up all that water," she said handing him the pills and the cup. When he took it she continued. "They said he was kind of rough looking…bleached hair…scar on his face somewhere…I forget where they said. All in black, with a long leather coat… Oh, and they said he was British. Does that help?"

But Xander didn't respond to her question. Concerned, she tilted her head and studied his face -- which was now totally stricken.

"No…," he finally spoke, almost so quietly that she couldn't understand his words. "It really doesn't."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Anya sat alone in the Magic Box, going through the inventory lists and trying to forget the nightmare that was now her life. Trying to block out the words that had been echoing through her mind since two days ago.

'I look at you…and I feel sick.'

She sniffed, leaning back in her chair from the table. The same table where she and Spike had…while Xander had watched them.

It wasn't like it was her fault! It was his! How dare he make her feel bad about something she had every right to do! She wasn't his anymore…he'd left her, on their wedding day, in front of all their friends and his horrible family! All of this had happened because of *him*! If he hadn't left her, none of this would have happened.

She shook her head. It was useless… All of it was. Trying to make it better in her mind. Trying to blame him… It *was* his fault, but that didn't help alleviate the guilt that was pulling her down deeper into the quicksand with each passing moment.

She couldn't take this. She couldn't be human without Xander…she wasn't even that good at being human *with* Xander. But now, she was finding it hard to be a vengeance demon as well. He'd ruined her. She wasn't good for anything now…


She had noticed earlier they were out of tarnok root on the shelves so she made her way down to the basement now to see if they had any in stock. According to her paperwork they did. But as of late, she hadn't been the best at keeping accurate paperwork. 'Great!,' she thought in frustration. 'Now he's even affecting my ability to make money!'

She found herself stopping at the spot where she and Xander had had sex that night when she thought the world was going to end. The night Xander had asked her to marry him. It seemed so long ago…strange to think it was actually less than a year.

For the first time she almost felt regret that the world *hadn't* ended that night. At least they would've been happy if it had...up to that point anyway. They would've never gotten the chance to see how messed up it would all become. How he would rip her heart out by leaving her at the alter and how she would make him forever sick at the thought of her by screwing the vampire he hated.

She looked at where they had lay together that night… She remembered how it felt to be held by his large upper arms, that even Halfrek had commented on… It had felt so good. So good. She was safe there. Loved. Happy. He'd told her he believed that he would live a long and silly life, and he wasn't interested in doing that without her around. He had wanted her…

A long and silly life with him had sounded so right. Perfect.

It would have been better if the world had ended.

Much better than this.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Buffy leaned on the railing and watched as Vanessa Carlton began moving her fingers once again over the piano's keys. A slow, somber sounding song this time. The notes connected with Buffy and as they did, she saw the singer look up at the loft, seemingly right at her. Her dark eyes stayed locked on that of the Slayer's for a moment as if she were trying to relay a message…as if she were saying with her eyes…this is your song.

It seemed right, albeit a little odd. Buffy looked around a moment to see if there was anyone else she could've been looking at. Maybe she knew someone here. But there seemed to be no one. When she looked back she found the dark haired girl looking at her again…imploring. Buffy tilted her head in question. Vanessa shook her head yes, and gave a small, sad smile, almost imperceptible at that distance, then looked back down as she played the slow, sad notes on the piano and began to sing.

Buffy let go of her curiosity and found her mind suddenly flooded. The music made her want to cry,… and the words, they hit her like a bolt of electricity. Of truth. Bringing forth something she had not thought of in so long and yet seemed so familiar as to indicate that she'd thought of it every day since...

~"once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in"~

She saw Angel…and herself. That night after escaping from Drusilla's birthday party…the night that changed everything. Changed him. Changed her.

She saw herself in tears, so close to him. God, how it had felt to be so close to him…
"Angel,…I feel like I lost you… You're right though, we can't be sure of anything."
"Shh…," he hushed her. "I…"
"You what?," she asked turning to him. Looking deep in those eyes that held so much.
So much lost…
"I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop," he spoke tearfully, voice full of all the emotions that reflected her own.
"Me - me too. I can't either."

~"every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been"~

Those thoughts…they were always there, even when she refused to acknowledge -- questioning her life, questioning her fate. What if she hadn't gave in?

Angel would've never turned evil… They may have found out before it was too late… Jenny would be alive. Maybe she could've helped them… Helped them be together. Visions of Angel smiling, wearing a tuxedo and her in a long flowing bridal gown filled her mind next. These were the thoughts she had always pushed away…pushed deep into the recesses of her mind. Silly fantasies of a love and life that could never have been… They made her feel stupid. Ashamed. Most of all, they made her feel pain.

"Buffy, maybe we shouldn't…," he'd said.
"Don't. Just kiss me."

~"well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight"~

Buffy's eyes filled with tears. The pain had been so much…
She didn't want to feel that pain…ever again.

"You know what the worst part was, huh?," Angelus' cruel voice sounded in her mind … "Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered."
"That doesn't work anymore. You're not Angel."
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? It doesn't matter. The important thing is you made me the man I am today!"


~"funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight...to fight"~

"You can't do it. You can't kill me."

And he had been right. She couldn't kill him. And look at the price everyone had paid. Giles had lost the woman he loved… Kendra died… Willow almost lost her life…

~"and it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise"~

…Because of her weakness. She couldn't let it happen again. Couldn't allow it to take control of her.

Her weakness, that would lead to everyone else's loss. Again. She was the Slayer, she had no luxury to…

~"as the darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes"~

She'd loved him so much… He'd loved her. She'd sacrificed,… they all had -- against their will. And still, in the end, it was all for nothing. Nothing.

~"she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light...her light"~

If only the others had left her where she was, when she had died. She was finally safe. She was finally away from the pain, the struggle, these conflicting feelings… It was her closure. It was the only resolution she could ever have. The only happiness…only peace. She didn't want to do this again. Because, what if she was? What if it was going to happen again? … She couldn't… Not again, not love and have something else… someone else be stripped away. It was too much… Even more than before…

The tears made their way down her face…
Like the raindrops on the window the night she and Angel had made love.
"I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop…"

~"and it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise"~


'But what if I let it slip away?…' The haunted, silent question echoed within the strains of the song…

~"one last chance to feel alright...alright"~

She heard Tara's calm voice come from somewhere within her mind. 'Do you love him? It's okay, if you do…'

"Oh God, I can't…," Buffy whispered tearfully, turning away from the stage. A guy standing nearby noticed her anguish and took a took a few steps toward her.

"Are you okay?," he asked in concern. Buffy nearly jumped, startled.

"Um, yes…," she pushed passed him and began to take the stairs as quickly as she could in the crowd. She had to get out of there. She had to leave these thoughts. These were no good thoughts. Bad, bad thoughts.

~"don't pretend to … hold it in just let it out"~

The piano sounded like the rain on the windows, now. Another tear broke free and made it's way down her mascara streaked face and she wiped at it furiously as she neared the exit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Xander watched the nurse leave. He stared blankly at the door -- Lost. How had everything gone so wrong.? He'd left Anya… And for what? Because of his father!? Because he'd been a coward… Anya cheated on him with…Spike! Then to top it all off he'd been too much of a coward to actually get rid of the soulless bloodsucker and in return Spike had *saved him*!

"I hate this!," he screamed to no one in particular. Trying to reconcile in his mind the image of the Spike trying to kill them all, and the Spike having sex with Anya on the Magic Box table, and the Spike as the nurse had described him, saving his life. 'How could she do that? How could he do that?…How could I have done that?…God…' He didn't want this. He didn't want this to be his life… And why did Spike have to save him anyway!?

~"don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
don't you try to hold it in just let out and"~

Looking at his bandaged wrist, fury, guilt and pain got the best of him and he found himself giving into the sobs of frustration he'd been confining within himself for … he wasn't sure how long.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~"don't you try to hold it in you hold it in…"~

Anya threw a bottle against the wall of the basement with as much strength as she could manage. Crying out. Needing the sound of the shattering. She fell to the floor then -- hard, thoughts of Xander and his face the night of her betrayal, unyielding in her mind. Feeling some of the glass shards cut into the flesh of her knees, grateful for the pain it caused.

~"one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright...alright"~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Buffy stumbled in the ally outside of the Bronze, tears blurring her vision. She leaned against a wall and covered her face in her hand. And sobbed…


~"once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been"~