Through My Eyes
Summary: Harm's point of view. Mainly to show the magnitude of his feelings
towards Mac. I don't think there's any better way to do it.
*Note*- I'm really sorry about the not-updating-ness, but I'm wrapping this up soon and moving on, so...here it is.
1 Week Later Harm's Apartment 0950 EST
They finally let me come home today. I'm so tired of hospitals that I think I'll wait a few years before I visit one again. Mac drove me home, and I'm glad that she did because I don't want anyone else seeing me weak like this. My nose and cheek still hurt and look terrible, but my ribs are healing fine and the concussion is better. Mac has been very quiet the whole time that I've been recuperating, and I think that it's because she blames herself, just like the Admiral said. She helps me sit on the couch, and I sigh as I lean back. She looks at me silently, and I pat the cushion next to me.
"Come on, Mac. I promise I won't bite." Normally, she would have smiled and sat down, but now she just sits. I reach over to hold her hand, and she doesn't respond. She just sits there. When I turn to look at her, she's just staring ahead.
"It's my fault." Those are the first words that I've heard her say since we left the hospital. I shake my head.
"Sarah, it's not your fault. It's my fault. I was a macho jerk and didn't stop the fight. I'm sorry I worried you." She doesn't respond, so I move off the couch and kneel in front of her. Despite the pain in my ribs and head, I reach up to her face and turn her head so that she's looking at me. "I love you." I say. I try to convey how strongly I need her, but I only see the walls around her heart through her eyes. She's pushing me away.
"Harm, I should go. I don't think this is going to work." She turns her head away from me, and stands up. I'm still kneeling, so she towers over me. I try to get up, but she's walking towards the door and I try to move too fast. She's out the door and I'm calling her name, falling to the floor. Pain explodes through my chest and ribs, and I groan as I hear the door click shut. Damn her for blaming herself for everything. I push as hard as I can and manage to get myself off the floor. How am I going to get her back?
************************ 0952 EST Falls Church, VA
I'm back to work, despite the fact that I was just released from the hospital yestersay. I need desperately to talk to Mac, but I'm fairly sure that she'll avoid me. As I step into the bullpen, I'm bombarded by people welcoming me back. I search the crowd for Mac, but instead see her sitting in her office. She's looking out at me, but when I meet her gaze, she looks down at the file in front of her. I force a smile and make my way out of the well-meaning throng of my co-workers, and go to my office. When I plop down into my chair and boot up my computer, I look through the windows between my office and Mac's. She glances over at the same time and gets up, closing the blinds. I sigh, getting more and more exasperated as the minutes go on with only silence from the next room. That's enough. I've had it. I get up and walk out of my office, going next door and opening her office without even knocking. She looks up in surprise, and an I see a flash of vulnerability before she shields herself with anger. I close her door.
"Commander, don't you knock?" She grinds out, as coldly as if I'd just been caught rifling through her lingere drawer.
"Sarah, I need to talk to you." The only immediate response that I get from that statement is a frown. She puts her pen down.
"Harm, I told you, it's not going to work. I...don't love you. I'm sorry that I lied to you, but I thought that was what I wanted. It wasn't." I feel a sudden pressure on my chest. I wonder what that is. Probably my heart breaking. The worst part of what she said is that she had no difficulty whatsoever saying it. She said it almost casually. Like it wasn't a big deal. So she really doesn't love me. It was all an act. Damn her. I can't speak, so I just turn around and leave the office slowly. How could she do this to me? As I leave the office, I remember the cold, uncaring look on her face when she said that she didn't love me. This sends a white-hot flash of anger through me, so I slam her door as hard as I can. The windows of every office rattle, and I stride quickly back to my sanctuary.
The second I sit down, Tiner pokes his head in and tells me that the Admiral would like to see me. I nod and head to the Admiral's office. The next thing I know, I'm standing at attention in front of the Admiral.
"At ease, Commander. I've just recieved a request from the SecNav. He has requested that you be sent back to active duty. There is a shortage of pilots, and we are in the middle of a war. You don't have to accept, but if you can stand being stationed away from JAG for a couple of years, I wouldn't reccomend refusing the SecNav. I'll give you one week to think about it, okay?" I don't need a week. There's nothing really holding me here anymore. My best friend just lied to me about loving me and broke my heart. I answer quickly.
"Thank you, sir. I won't be needing a week to decide, sir. I would like to go." He looks at me in shock.
"What about Mac?" He asks, totally forgetting the formality required when addressing a fellow officer.
"The relationship between the Colonel and I didn't work out, sir. Conflicting feelings." He nods, although still looking a little shaken.
"Well then, you are to report to the Patrick Henry tomorrow. Dismissed." I nod, saluting. As I'm almost out the door, he calls out to me. "Harm, don't forget to say your goodbyes."
**************************** Mac's Apartment 1900 EST
I'm standing outside her door, ready to knock. I have to tell her that I'm leaving, though I doubt it matters to her. I knock three times on the door, and hear her unlocking it. She opens it, looking very surprised to see me standing there.
"Harm, I thought-" I interrupt her, not wanting to hear again that she doesn't love me.
"That's not why I'm here, Colonel. I've been reassigned to the Patrick Henry, on active duty. I'm leaving tomorrow, and I didn't want to leave without telling you." She looks stunned, and I think I see tears come to her eyes.
"Harm, you can't just go. What about JAG?" I shake my head, starting to get angry at her for being this way.
"There's nothing holding me here. I have to go where they need me. I'm ready to move on." I say, not meaning to sound as hateful as I did. Tears are falling down her cheeks now, and I don't bother to brush them away.
"What about our friendship?" She asks softly, looking into my eyes. I meet her gaze.
"I don't think I can trust you anymore. It's best we go our seperate ways." She breaks into soft sobs, and I can't help but wonder why she's so upset. All she feels for me is friendship, and she can live with losing a friend.
"I'll never forget you, Harm." She whispers. I nod, looking down.
"I'll never forget you either. Goodbye, Sarah." I turn away from her and walk down the hall. I can her her sobs all the way to the elevator, and I manage to wait until then to shed my own tears. Goodbye, Sarah. I will always love you.
*Note*- I'm really sorry about the not-updating-ness, but I'm wrapping this up soon and moving on, so...here it is.
1 Week Later Harm's Apartment 0950 EST
They finally let me come home today. I'm so tired of hospitals that I think I'll wait a few years before I visit one again. Mac drove me home, and I'm glad that she did because I don't want anyone else seeing me weak like this. My nose and cheek still hurt and look terrible, but my ribs are healing fine and the concussion is better. Mac has been very quiet the whole time that I've been recuperating, and I think that it's because she blames herself, just like the Admiral said. She helps me sit on the couch, and I sigh as I lean back. She looks at me silently, and I pat the cushion next to me.
"Come on, Mac. I promise I won't bite." Normally, she would have smiled and sat down, but now she just sits. I reach over to hold her hand, and she doesn't respond. She just sits there. When I turn to look at her, she's just staring ahead.
"It's my fault." Those are the first words that I've heard her say since we left the hospital. I shake my head.
"Sarah, it's not your fault. It's my fault. I was a macho jerk and didn't stop the fight. I'm sorry I worried you." She doesn't respond, so I move off the couch and kneel in front of her. Despite the pain in my ribs and head, I reach up to her face and turn her head so that she's looking at me. "I love you." I say. I try to convey how strongly I need her, but I only see the walls around her heart through her eyes. She's pushing me away.
"Harm, I should go. I don't think this is going to work." She turns her head away from me, and stands up. I'm still kneeling, so she towers over me. I try to get up, but she's walking towards the door and I try to move too fast. She's out the door and I'm calling her name, falling to the floor. Pain explodes through my chest and ribs, and I groan as I hear the door click shut. Damn her for blaming herself for everything. I push as hard as I can and manage to get myself off the floor. How am I going to get her back?
************************ 0952 EST Falls Church, VA
I'm back to work, despite the fact that I was just released from the hospital yestersay. I need desperately to talk to Mac, but I'm fairly sure that she'll avoid me. As I step into the bullpen, I'm bombarded by people welcoming me back. I search the crowd for Mac, but instead see her sitting in her office. She's looking out at me, but when I meet her gaze, she looks down at the file in front of her. I force a smile and make my way out of the well-meaning throng of my co-workers, and go to my office. When I plop down into my chair and boot up my computer, I look through the windows between my office and Mac's. She glances over at the same time and gets up, closing the blinds. I sigh, getting more and more exasperated as the minutes go on with only silence from the next room. That's enough. I've had it. I get up and walk out of my office, going next door and opening her office without even knocking. She looks up in surprise, and an I see a flash of vulnerability before she shields herself with anger. I close her door.
"Commander, don't you knock?" She grinds out, as coldly as if I'd just been caught rifling through her lingere drawer.
"Sarah, I need to talk to you." The only immediate response that I get from that statement is a frown. She puts her pen down.
"Harm, I told you, it's not going to work. I...don't love you. I'm sorry that I lied to you, but I thought that was what I wanted. It wasn't." I feel a sudden pressure on my chest. I wonder what that is. Probably my heart breaking. The worst part of what she said is that she had no difficulty whatsoever saying it. She said it almost casually. Like it wasn't a big deal. So she really doesn't love me. It was all an act. Damn her. I can't speak, so I just turn around and leave the office slowly. How could she do this to me? As I leave the office, I remember the cold, uncaring look on her face when she said that she didn't love me. This sends a white-hot flash of anger through me, so I slam her door as hard as I can. The windows of every office rattle, and I stride quickly back to my sanctuary.
The second I sit down, Tiner pokes his head in and tells me that the Admiral would like to see me. I nod and head to the Admiral's office. The next thing I know, I'm standing at attention in front of the Admiral.
"At ease, Commander. I've just recieved a request from the SecNav. He has requested that you be sent back to active duty. There is a shortage of pilots, and we are in the middle of a war. You don't have to accept, but if you can stand being stationed away from JAG for a couple of years, I wouldn't reccomend refusing the SecNav. I'll give you one week to think about it, okay?" I don't need a week. There's nothing really holding me here anymore. My best friend just lied to me about loving me and broke my heart. I answer quickly.
"Thank you, sir. I won't be needing a week to decide, sir. I would like to go." He looks at me in shock.
"What about Mac?" He asks, totally forgetting the formality required when addressing a fellow officer.
"The relationship between the Colonel and I didn't work out, sir. Conflicting feelings." He nods, although still looking a little shaken.
"Well then, you are to report to the Patrick Henry tomorrow. Dismissed." I nod, saluting. As I'm almost out the door, he calls out to me. "Harm, don't forget to say your goodbyes."
**************************** Mac's Apartment 1900 EST
I'm standing outside her door, ready to knock. I have to tell her that I'm leaving, though I doubt it matters to her. I knock three times on the door, and hear her unlocking it. She opens it, looking very surprised to see me standing there.
"Harm, I thought-" I interrupt her, not wanting to hear again that she doesn't love me.
"That's not why I'm here, Colonel. I've been reassigned to the Patrick Henry, on active duty. I'm leaving tomorrow, and I didn't want to leave without telling you." She looks stunned, and I think I see tears come to her eyes.
"Harm, you can't just go. What about JAG?" I shake my head, starting to get angry at her for being this way.
"There's nothing holding me here. I have to go where they need me. I'm ready to move on." I say, not meaning to sound as hateful as I did. Tears are falling down her cheeks now, and I don't bother to brush them away.
"What about our friendship?" She asks softly, looking into my eyes. I meet her gaze.
"I don't think I can trust you anymore. It's best we go our seperate ways." She breaks into soft sobs, and I can't help but wonder why she's so upset. All she feels for me is friendship, and she can live with losing a friend.
"I'll never forget you, Harm." She whispers. I nod, looking down.
"I'll never forget you either. Goodbye, Sarah." I turn away from her and walk down the hall. I can her her sobs all the way to the elevator, and I manage to wait until then to shed my own tears. Goodbye, Sarah. I will always love you.
