Author's Note: Okay. Based on the phenomenal, stupendous, numerous, overwhelming, brilliant, thrilling, splendiferous reviews I got from all of you awesome reader people, I'm publishing more. Without further ado, here's Chapter Two! :D

***

Chapter Two: "You Sexy Thing."

On Friday morning, everything was set before the first Bureau employee arrived. The restrooms were clean and prepared. The cafeteria was well- stocked with food. The "Rules" posters, which listed behavioral regulations for today's exercise, were up on the walls. The offices, in general, were tidy.

First, most of the usual secretaries arrived, pouring into the main entrance in a throng. Most of them were praying to clear security without too many stupid comments. All women, they were dressed in suits, some hideously ugly and others quite elegant, borrowed off of boyfriends or cousins, or bought last minute in a thrift store. Holly had been unable to find one. She was wearing jeans, hiking boots, and a man's cable-knit sweater, which was too big for her and inappropriate for the office, anyway. She was walking next to Rhonda. The two had been friends for years.

"What am I going to do?" she despaired, her little voice quiet and forlorn. "I'm supposed to be an A.D. today! You know, really formal and everything! Oh, this is terrible."

"Don't worry, honey," said Rhonda. "Agent Scully said she'd get you one, right? She's got good taste. And whatever she brings you, you can't possibly look worse than me!"

They both started to laugh, because Rhonda was right. She had arrived in a banana-yellow monstrosity of a suit, complete with an emerald green shirt and black-and-white polka dot necktie. The whole ensemble clashed horribly with her curly red hair. It looked as though she had been dressed by The Mask.

Still chuckling, they both made it through security.

***

Most of the female agents arrived a few minutes later. Scully was annoyed at not being able to use the back entrance, like she always did. (It was locked.) Coming in the front meant having to walk nearly half a block from the parking garage to the main entrance of Headquarters, dressed as a man. So far today, she didn't feel she was pulling it off very well.

Her fiery red hair, which normally fell in single graceful line on either side of her face, had been mercilessly slicked back. It gave her a spare, lean, boyish appearance. She thought it made her look ugly. Mulder had assured her that morning that it didn't, but she wasn't enthusiastic. She was also not sure about walking in with no make up --- she felt slightly naked without it. It was Mulder's suit, though, that was giving her a problem.

Not that she wasn't comfortable in Mulder's clothing --- hell, she'd woken up after spending the night with him and put on his shirt too many times to count. But the whole damn suit? She felt ridiculous. The white shirt was the only thing that even remotely fit her. The pant legs of his gray Armani had been cuffed up about four times, so she wouldn't trip on them. The jacket sleeves covered her hands completely. She'd pulled the belt as tight as it would go to keep the pants up on her hips. And, as the final touch, Mulder had insisted she wear his "special tie" --- the burgundy one with the little emerald UFO's all over it. She was also weighed down with his briefcase in one hand and one of Skinner's suits in the other, for Holly.

Fortunately, she didn't have to walk to the door alone. Reyes was with her. She'd also slicked back her dark brown hair, and even tucked the ends into the jacket of Doggett's dark suit. While not Armani, it was a much better fit and she wore her usual smile, in sharp contrast to Scully's bitter, pursed lips and flinty eyes. She also wore no make up and carried her partner's briefcase.

"Well good morning, Agents!" said Tanya, one of the security guards. She was waaay too perky, even for Reyes, who raised an eyebrow.

"You guys don't have to dress up?"

"One of the perks of a uniform."

"I'd say it's the *only* perk of a uniform," Scully muttered under her breath.

"Weapons check please," Tanya said, turning serious.

Both ladies reached for their holsters, usually at their backs, muttered curses, and then reached for the sides --- they'd forgotten that they'd switched holsters with their partners, on top of everything else. Scully, in her struggle to reach Mulder's weapon, dropped the briefcase, and the suit, and swore. Loudly.

Reyes giggled. Scully mimicked her, making her stop and blink, and grumpily handed Mulder's weapon to Tanya.

"Here."

She stepped through the metal detector and set it off.

"God! What now?!"

"I don't know. Let's find out," said the guard.

She waved the wand over Scully. It made a loud beeping noise near her left foot. She sighed, thoroughly annoyed. Damn ankle holster. She didn't carry one, but of course, Mulder did, and of course, it just had to hold her up in the middle of the hall, where everyone could see that not only was she dressed like an idiot, but that she had privileged access to Fox Mulder's clothing. And by extension, his bedroom. The water coolers would be buzzing today, she just knew it.

She huffed out a breath, knelt, unlatched the smaller weapon and handed it to Tanya, who waved the wand over her again and cleared her. She was arming herself again and Reyes was walking through the detector when the doors burst open. Several more secretaries and female agents, all in suits, ran in screaming excitedly.

The men were arriving.

And lots of ladies were coming in, full-force, to see the show. Scully and Reyes decided to skip the sight and ran off to the elevators, so they could get Skinner's suit to Holly.

***

The guys, also unable to use the back entrance, had come up with a plan. Many of them had arrived and parked at the same time. They decided to crowd together and make a run for the main entrance, so that no one on the street would know what they were looking at. So, a throng of about forty men, all in dresses and prim shoes and carrying purses borrowed off of girlfriends or whatever, had clumped together near the entrance to the parking garage, ready to trot. Nobody was laughing at anybody else, even though there was ample opportunity.

It was clear that some of the guys had tried to squeeze into the garb of small female friends and were failing miserably. Bellies hung out over skirts. Lots of revealed legs were unshaven, with really dark hair. Some men were wearing granny outfits. One was in a gingham dress, boots, and a suit jacket. Agent Bickerstaff, a burly guy in Accounting with a beer belly, had arrived in a summer jacket, hose, strappy sandals, and (horrors!) a tube dress. He looked like a sausage covered in flowers.

Mulder and Doggett took a strange sort of pride in being the cleanest and best-dressed guys in the group.

Mulder was wearing a tasteful skirt and jacket combination, navy blue, with a white blouse and clip-on pearl earrings --- the ones Scully had bought him from Jerry's. He carried a navy handbag and Scully's briefcase. The fitted skirt just hit his knees and revealed his muscular legs. Shaved clean by Scully the night before, they glimmered in his white hose and his calves were beefed up from the "tiptoe" position of his feet in his navy heels. He was fidgeting, waiting for the signal to run.

Doggett had set down his beige handbag and Reyes' briefcase. He was looking at his watch, quite impatient to get this over with. He wore a light yellow skirt with small pink and brown flowers on it that flowed nicely when he walked, and hit his shaved legs (in tan pantyhose) at mid- knee. He wore a white blouse, and a beige silk suit jacket to match his beige heels. He was also flushing a little. This looked worse than it really was, given that Reyes had stopped by that morning, and somehow convinced him to let her apply a little blush and lipstick.

Bickerstaff gave the signal.

They ran for their lives, out of the parking garage and down the street, in a flock of odd patterns and colors, clomping feet and wheezing lungs. Skidding to a halt and trying not to topple over, they all crowded through the door and were immediately greeted by whoops and cheers from the female agents and secretaries, who had gathered to watch the grand entrance.

The pack of men was embarrassed beyond belief. Mulder was staring around, swearing under his breath, looking for a way out. The women were beginning to crowd the guys to try and heckle everybody. Doggett skittered like a deer and tried to hide in the middle of the pack, but Mulder dragged him out.

"It won't do any good," he hissed at him. "Come on. Let's get down to the office."

"Right," Doggett finally said, resigned, and they walked away together from the pack.

The women began to catcall.

"Just walk tall and ignore them. Show them we might be in heels, but we're still men, we're still human beings, and we still have our pride."

Doggett was in agreement. "Yeah!"

He was wobbling a little, though, and it wasn't the heels.

"Are you all right?" Mulder asked.

"Not really. I'm kinda dizzy. I didn't eat breakfast."

"What? Why the hell not?"

They both stopped in the hall, near the elevators. A receptionist walked by and yelled "Whoooo!!!"

"Have you seen this outfit?" Doggett asked, annoyed. "I was scared that if I ate, I wouldn't be able to fit into it!"

Mulder stared at Doggett for a long moment. Then he slapped him in the face. Doggett shook it off.

"Thank you," he said.

"You're welcome," Mulder replied. "Let's go."

He nodded. They kept walking toward the elevators and Mulder pressed "DOWN."

"Hey --- tell me the truth. Does this skirt make me look fat?"

"Don't make me hit you again."

***

The last Suit had fled by the time Skinner and Kersh ran through the doors and stopped to brush themselves off. Skinner had quite sensibly put on a gray trench coat and a red head scarf, and was now removing both. He looked about as dignified as possible in a black skirt and jacket combo with gray pin-stripes and a white blouse. The one touch of color in his clothing was the red ribbon under his lace collar, tied in a small bow. He squared himself and wobbled toward the security check-point on his heels.

Kersh followed him, in white flats, whatever he was wearing covered up by a black raincoat. He and Skinner scowled at each other grimly.

They both headed for the elevators with a minimum of comments from the surrounding women. The door dinged and they got in. Skinner pressed four and Kersh hit five. Skinner got out on the fourth floor, and turned back to Kersh for a moment.

"Have a nice day," he said darkly.

The doors closed. Kersh, finally alone, gulped.

***

The men of the X-files got their first surprise of the day when they reached the basement --- pantyhose liked to climb. Straight into butt cracks. Both men were to make a habit all day of reaching for their asses to get the offending material out of them. They grabbed and yanked and muttered, in sync, as they walked down the hall to their office.

Scully's annoyance had abated. She and Reyes knew the men were going to have an awful time of it today. Consequently, they were waiting for them with tiny smiles and subtle signs of affection. They had made their delivery to Holly quickly and had gotten down to the office just before the guys.

Mulder and Doggett knew that their partners were probably the only two Suits in the building who wouldn't gape or gawk, and felt ridiculously grateful for it. Scully and Reyes weren't laughing. The F.B.I.'s most paranoid office would be the beacon of sanity and support today.

"Hi," Doggett said to them. "Suit looks good, Monica."

"Thanks, John. Dana, c'mon. Tell him."

Scully smiled. "The make-up looks nice. Monica did a good job on you. It's --- it's subtle. I like it."

Doggett smiled a little at this encouragement. He walked over to Monica, leaving Mulder and Scully some space. Mulder took his partner's arm and started to cuff up one of her sleeves.

"And Scully," Mulder said, "I know you're not real happy about the fit of the suit, but . . . the color sets off your eyes."

Scully blinked at him in shock. "Really."

"Mm hm. That's why I thought you'd like it," he said, cuffing her other sleeve.

She smiled softly. "Today, Mulder, I wouldn't wear anything else. And you. Look. Gorgeous."

"Thank you," he replied, slightly amused and a bit pleased.

She nodded. Doggett and Mulder set their stuff down at Scully and Reyes' work stations, given that theirs were already taken up with their partners' things. There was an odd noise in the room, a sort of loud rumbling, and everyone stared at Doggett. He flushed in embarrassment and patted his protesting stomach.

"I'm --- I'ma get something to eat from the cafeteria. Anybody want anything?"

The women weren't hungry, but Mulder said he could use a scone, so he and Doggett trotted back towards the elevator. They exited on the ground floor and headed for the large cafeteria which served the Hoover building.

***

Surprise number two.

The cafeteria was its usual self --- a drab, gray place staffed by fat old ladies in hair nets. Only now, it had people in it. Most agents usually brown-bagged it or went out to lunch, rather than eat here. But because no one was interested in showing their faces in public today, the staff had been gearing up for a busy time. About half the tables were full of cross- dressed, cross-looking agents, but there was still plenty of room. Mulder and Doggett grabbed trays and got in the breakfast line.

Soon, they reached Irma. She was a regular with the cafeteria, as fat and old as any of the ladies here. The most fascinating things about Irma were her thick mustache and giant chin mole.

"Agents," she said politely.

"Hi," Doggett said, forgetting the whole "starving thing" completely. He was looking at the food. "Uh, lessee. Lemme have some grits, two eggs, two pieces of French toast, and a cup of coffee, please."

Irma just smiled, but did nothing. Doggett looked left and right, trying to determine what she found so funny. He couldn't find it, and looked at her, hard.

"Could I get some food? Now?"

She chuckled. "Of course you can, honey. But you're a woman today. And that means your choices are limited."

"Excuse me?" he asked. Mulder was looking baffled, too.

"Well," Irma explained, "We did a survey last year to see what kinds of breakfast foods were popular among the men and women of headquarters. The foods that won the women's vote are the choices the men get for breakfast today, and vice versa."

Doggett was starting to get annoyed. Breakfast without grits just wasn't breakfast, and he had a feeling there wouldn't be any grits for him this morning.

"All right. What are my choices?"

"You may have cereal, or you may have a muffin and coffee."

There was a pause.

"What if I order both?"

"You can't."

Both Mulder and Doggett were a little aghast at this.

"Okay," Doggett said finally. "What kinds of cereal are there?"

"Shredded Wheat, Total, Corn Flakes, Raisin Bran, or Low Fat Granola."

Ugh. Fiber, fiber, and more fiber. Doggett began to wonder if this was why women took so long in the bathroom.

"Uh . . . I think I'll go with the granola."

Irma smiled. She reached around, got him a bowl, which looked pathetically small, heaped in the granola and poured in the milk. He dug around in Reyes' handbag and found his wallet. As he counted out the bills and paid her, she put the cereal on his tray. Mulder, unnoticed during the transaction, swiped two scones from the counter and held them behind his back. When she asked him what he wanted, he replied he was just tagging along.

The two of them made a beeline for a back table and sat down. Mulder magically produced a scone and handed it to Doggett.

"You stole a scone?" he hissed at the thief.

"Two, actually," the other man said, waggling his eyebrows, and held up his own.

Doggett started to snicker. "I can't believe you've been reduced to this. Stealing cafeteria food."

"Hey. Man's gotta eat. Now shut up and dig in."

They did. Mulder wolfed down his scone and licked his fingers. Doggett ate the granola, and found it to be okay. He turned to his scone, and when he was done, he patted his stomach with a sigh.

"Well, Doggette?" Mulder asked.

"Well, it isn't grits, but it'll do. Thanks for stealing that scone."

"No sweat."

"So. What now?"

"Now, we walk down the hall again."

"And get heckled? No thanks."

Mulder snickered. "Come on."

Doggett put his tray away and they both got up to leave. And suddenly it dawned on him. Mulder hadn't come along to crack jokes or steal a couple of scones. He'd come along as back-up. Voluntarily. Doggett didn't know the proper way to thank anyone, let alone another man, for just being there. So he kept his gratitude to himself.

***

"Hey, sweet cheeks!"

"Yeah! Sex Files to the rescue! Awwwhooo!"

"You doing anything tonight, beautiful? 'Cuz I'm open!"

"Come on, Space Cadets! Let me take you to the moon!"

The hecklers, all women in suits, were yelling this nonsense and laughing as Doggett and Mulder passed by, their stern faces set in a neutral expression, pointedly ignoring the catcalls and insults. Scully and Reyes had both said they looked nice. And they were going back to the office. That was all that mattered.

They made it to the elevator and it dinged. They stepped in, none too pleased to discover it was full of women in suits, one of whom flashed a vicious grin at the two of them. She looked remarkably like a barracuda. The door closed and Mulder gulped.

The Carnivorous Fish Woman made a tiger growling noise and traced a finger down Mulder's leg. Somebody else pinched Doggett's ass and he yelped and whirled around.

"Hey! Get your hands off of him! And me! I catch your hand, I'll break your fingers. Now behave. All of you."

That shut them up. The elevator was going up, not down, so they had to wait while people got out on the third and fourth floors before going back down to the basement, alone. They were both disgusted.

"Pinchin' my ass. Of all the nerve!" Doggett grumbled. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."

They were both rattled, and trying not to show it.

"For the record, I don't do that shit to women. My mamma raised me better than that."

"Mine too. But those, *things,* in the elevator, must think all guys act that way. It's pretty scary how much we've been generalized, when you think about it."

"Mm."

"I wonder how Skinner's doing?"

***

How IS Skinner doing? Find out in Chapter Three! Coming soon!