A/N: Still enjoying? Enjoyed at all? Let me know! I need fuel to keep me going. :D Or I'm just an attention hog…either way.
He sighed.
If life was hard, ending it should be easy, right? No dice. Not even an un-life was easy to end. Too many loose ends to tie up, too many things to say. Apologies to give. Wondering if they would be accepted in time.
'…Dear Buffy,
I've said it before, and I'm sure you're quite tired of it by now, but I do love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. (That's right, soul. It's amazing what you can sneak past customs these days, eh?) I've tried not loving you. I've tried hating you, killing you, running away from you, but nothing does me any good. I can't get away from it. If you still don't believe me, all I ask is that you keep it in mind. Maybe someday you'll come to realize what I have. No matter how hard I try, how far I run, I can't escape you. I've been drowning in you for years, Slayer, and now I've stopped wishing I would wake up one day to find out it was just because of this bloody chip. I've stopped wanting it to go away. I only hope one day you can see that it was true.
I can see why you could never love me, Buffy. I'm a monster. I'm a minion of destruction, and even when I was neutered I was still hurting everyone around me as much as I could. I searched high and low for ways to make people miserable. I killed, and I raped and I pillaged, and I never once felt sorry. Never once thought maybe it was wrong, maybe I was making too many people suffer. I like to think it was only the demon in me, but a part of me knows that the man I once was liked it too. Liked feeling powerful, liked crushing those who hurt him, who got in his way. It was a power trip as much as it was a way of life.
Which is why I can't be here anymore. I can't be around you and Dawn and the others. I can't stand the looks in their eyes. Knowing how much I've done, how many I've hurt and killed…it's too much. I can't stand around and know even with this soul I might hurt someone. I'd never forgive myself. I can't forgive myself as it is. I know no one else can either, but it's important that you tell them that I am sorry. As much as I can feel, I feel twice as sorry for all the pain I've caused.
Tell Dawn I'm sorry. I promised to protect her till the end of the world, and I won't be around to do that. Another promise broken. Let her know she means the world to me, and that I'm sorry for leaving, for everything I've done to her. I will miss her more than anything.
I love both of you Summers' more than the world. And I'm sorry for making so much of it hell. I only hope that with me gone, things will be better. Make them better, Buffy. For everyone.
Spike….'
He sighed and put his pen down, flexing his cramped fingers.
"Enough of the sodding goodbyes," he told himself, standing.
He pulled on a black button down, leaving it open, too focused on pacing to do up the buttons. All he needed now was the guts to do what he needed to do.
Dawn sighed heavily, staring at the TV with a scowl.
"Enough!" Buffy said, throwing her arms up. "What's wrong?"
"We should have stayed," Dawn told her crossly. "Something's not right with him."
"That's for sure," Buffy muttered.
Dawn shot a glare at her sister. "You know what I mean, Buffy! Something's wrong."
"Less than five hours ago he threatened to kill you and now you're wanting to go over there and play Oprah?" Buffy said back.
"Yes!" Dawn answered. "I want to help him!"
"Why?"
"Why? What do you mean "why"?
"I mean," Buffy drew out. "why do you want to help him?"
"Because…" Dawn said unsurely. "I know he's not the model citizen, but he's still pretty okay as vampires go. I'm positive he didn't mean to do what he…almost did to you. Besides, that was MONTHS ago!"
Buffy sighed. "Dawn, if I tell you something, will you promise to keep your mouth shut about it?"
She nodded eagerly.
"I know he didn't mean to do what he did," she said. "I don't why it happened, but I know he didn't want to do what he was going to. I don't know how I know. Maybe I just like to think he wouldn't hurt me like that. Like, maybe he cares about me in his own twisted way."
"HE does care about you, Buffy!" Dawn said. "He does care about you. He's more than just a cheap thrill to you, and you're more than that to him!"
Buffy's eyes widened. "Dawn, geez."
"Sorry," she said. "but you know what I mean."
"Yeah…" Buffy trailed off softly. "Do you think…is it possible for someone like him to actually love?"
Dawn nodded. "Angel did. And don't give me that bull about his soul. It's really no different. Spike…he's not like other vamps."
"You got that right," Buffy said sardonically.
"Hey, none of that," Dawn said giving her a shove. "You know what I mean."
Her sister nodded.
"Maybe we should go…" Buffy said hesitantly. "Or maybe we should stay home and watch the rest of this infomercial."
Dawn jumped to her feet and pulled Buffy up. "Let's go before you buy one of those ThighMaster thingies."
Spike sealed up the envelope and put it on top of his duster. He hoped she's see it there. If not, oh well. It wasn't like his death wouldn't be meaningless anyway.
He took a deep breath and stepped out into the night air.
He had one last thing to see to.
Father Byron Jakobs looked up from his legal pad as the door to the church swung open. "Who on earth at this time of night…?"
Spike winced as he stepped inside the old building. Thankfully none of the crosses were close enough to have much effect, but it still made him more than a bit uncomfortable. He felt weak and prone. Not to mention stupid.
"Hello," Father Jakobs said softly. "It is rather late, but may I be of any help?"
"Uh…yeah…maybe," Spike said, looking at the crucifixes and statues above him. "I uh…"
"No need to be wary," Father said. "I won't bite."
"I might," Spike said under his breath.
"Would you care to sit?" he asked, motioning to one of the pews.
Spike nodded, sitting across from him, far enough away from that damn cross around his neck. "Father…do you believe in atonement?"
"Of course," he replied. "There is nothing so bad that God won't forgive."
"I think there sort of is," Spike said. "I'm afraid there is."
"How long has it been since you last confessed?" Father asked.
Spike chortled. "Not sure you'd believe me. I'm not looking to confess or nothing…I just…." He took a deep breath. "I'm a demon."
"Now, don't be so hard on yourself, son," the father said softly. "Whatever it is, I'm sure--"
"No," Spike said. "I mean I'm a demon. Vampire."
The father looked at him with a less than amused look, disbelief evident.
Spike's hand shot out, grabbing the cross and slipping into his game face.
Jakobs pulled back in fear, unable to get away.
Spike's hand smoked as the cross burned into his unholy flesh. He stared defiantly from yellow eyes. He let go after a minute, wincing again, and let his human features return.
"I'm a demon. A demon with a bleeding soul!" he roared. "I'm feeling all this regret, all this pain that I've never had to deal with once in my life! I can't do this. I've come to terms with that. I'm just…do you think anyone will ever know I'm sorry? The people I've killed? They're dead, so how are they going to know? I need them to know, Father."
Father Jakobs shook his head sadly at the lost soul. "If you are truly sorry, God will make sure they know."
Spike's look softened at that. In his heart he prayed that it was true.
"Thank you," he whispered. "I just needed to make sure."
As he got up, Father caught his hand.
"Son, there's always hope if you're truly a soul worth saving. God will know."
"That's just it," Spike said despondently as he began to walk away from the house of worship. "I'm not a soul worth saving. Couldn't be if I tried."
"Where is he?" Dawn cried frantically. "Where is he!?"
Buffy put her hand over her mouth as she finished reading the letter Dawn had found. "Oh, God. A soul?"
"Spike!" Dawn cried in anguish.
"Oh, God," Buffy repeated. She moved her mouth, unable to form words. There were no words for this.
It wasn't too late, was it? It couldn't be..
"He's gone?" Dawn asked softly, mournfully.
"Gone?" Buffy repeated. 'Or dead?'
"I don't know," she said. "I don't know."
"We have to find him, Buffy! Please! I know you're pissed, but we have to!" Dawn practically screamed.
"Let's go," Buffy said, pulling her by the hand.
They had to find him before it was too late. There was plenty of time to sort things out later. All that mattered just then was making sure he wasn't going to do something stupid.
Something permanent.
He sighed.
If life was hard, ending it should be easy, right? No dice. Not even an un-life was easy to end. Too many loose ends to tie up, too many things to say. Apologies to give. Wondering if they would be accepted in time.
'…Dear Buffy,
I've said it before, and I'm sure you're quite tired of it by now, but I do love you. I love you with all my heart and soul. (That's right, soul. It's amazing what you can sneak past customs these days, eh?) I've tried not loving you. I've tried hating you, killing you, running away from you, but nothing does me any good. I can't get away from it. If you still don't believe me, all I ask is that you keep it in mind. Maybe someday you'll come to realize what I have. No matter how hard I try, how far I run, I can't escape you. I've been drowning in you for years, Slayer, and now I've stopped wishing I would wake up one day to find out it was just because of this bloody chip. I've stopped wanting it to go away. I only hope one day you can see that it was true.
I can see why you could never love me, Buffy. I'm a monster. I'm a minion of destruction, and even when I was neutered I was still hurting everyone around me as much as I could. I searched high and low for ways to make people miserable. I killed, and I raped and I pillaged, and I never once felt sorry. Never once thought maybe it was wrong, maybe I was making too many people suffer. I like to think it was only the demon in me, but a part of me knows that the man I once was liked it too. Liked feeling powerful, liked crushing those who hurt him, who got in his way. It was a power trip as much as it was a way of life.
Which is why I can't be here anymore. I can't be around you and Dawn and the others. I can't stand the looks in their eyes. Knowing how much I've done, how many I've hurt and killed…it's too much. I can't stand around and know even with this soul I might hurt someone. I'd never forgive myself. I can't forgive myself as it is. I know no one else can either, but it's important that you tell them that I am sorry. As much as I can feel, I feel twice as sorry for all the pain I've caused.
Tell Dawn I'm sorry. I promised to protect her till the end of the world, and I won't be around to do that. Another promise broken. Let her know she means the world to me, and that I'm sorry for leaving, for everything I've done to her. I will miss her more than anything.
I love both of you Summers' more than the world. And I'm sorry for making so much of it hell. I only hope that with me gone, things will be better. Make them better, Buffy. For everyone.
Spike….'
He sighed and put his pen down, flexing his cramped fingers.
"Enough of the sodding goodbyes," he told himself, standing.
He pulled on a black button down, leaving it open, too focused on pacing to do up the buttons. All he needed now was the guts to do what he needed to do.
Dawn sighed heavily, staring at the TV with a scowl.
"Enough!" Buffy said, throwing her arms up. "What's wrong?"
"We should have stayed," Dawn told her crossly. "Something's not right with him."
"That's for sure," Buffy muttered.
Dawn shot a glare at her sister. "You know what I mean, Buffy! Something's wrong."
"Less than five hours ago he threatened to kill you and now you're wanting to go over there and play Oprah?" Buffy said back.
"Yes!" Dawn answered. "I want to help him!"
"Why?"
"Why? What do you mean "why"?
"I mean," Buffy drew out. "why do you want to help him?"
"Because…" Dawn said unsurely. "I know he's not the model citizen, but he's still pretty okay as vampires go. I'm positive he didn't mean to do what he…almost did to you. Besides, that was MONTHS ago!"
Buffy sighed. "Dawn, if I tell you something, will you promise to keep your mouth shut about it?"
She nodded eagerly.
"I know he didn't mean to do what he did," she said. "I don't why it happened, but I know he didn't want to do what he was going to. I don't know how I know. Maybe I just like to think he wouldn't hurt me like that. Like, maybe he cares about me in his own twisted way."
"HE does care about you, Buffy!" Dawn said. "He does care about you. He's more than just a cheap thrill to you, and you're more than that to him!"
Buffy's eyes widened. "Dawn, geez."
"Sorry," she said. "but you know what I mean."
"Yeah…" Buffy trailed off softly. "Do you think…is it possible for someone like him to actually love?"
Dawn nodded. "Angel did. And don't give me that bull about his soul. It's really no different. Spike…he's not like other vamps."
"You got that right," Buffy said sardonically.
"Hey, none of that," Dawn said giving her a shove. "You know what I mean."
Her sister nodded.
"Maybe we should go…" Buffy said hesitantly. "Or maybe we should stay home and watch the rest of this infomercial."
Dawn jumped to her feet and pulled Buffy up. "Let's go before you buy one of those ThighMaster thingies."
Spike sealed up the envelope and put it on top of his duster. He hoped she's see it there. If not, oh well. It wasn't like his death wouldn't be meaningless anyway.
He took a deep breath and stepped out into the night air.
He had one last thing to see to.
Father Byron Jakobs looked up from his legal pad as the door to the church swung open. "Who on earth at this time of night…?"
Spike winced as he stepped inside the old building. Thankfully none of the crosses were close enough to have much effect, but it still made him more than a bit uncomfortable. He felt weak and prone. Not to mention stupid.
"Hello," Father Jakobs said softly. "It is rather late, but may I be of any help?"
"Uh…yeah…maybe," Spike said, looking at the crucifixes and statues above him. "I uh…"
"No need to be wary," Father said. "I won't bite."
"I might," Spike said under his breath.
"Would you care to sit?" he asked, motioning to one of the pews.
Spike nodded, sitting across from him, far enough away from that damn cross around his neck. "Father…do you believe in atonement?"
"Of course," he replied. "There is nothing so bad that God won't forgive."
"I think there sort of is," Spike said. "I'm afraid there is."
"How long has it been since you last confessed?" Father asked.
Spike chortled. "Not sure you'd believe me. I'm not looking to confess or nothing…I just…." He took a deep breath. "I'm a demon."
"Now, don't be so hard on yourself, son," the father said softly. "Whatever it is, I'm sure--"
"No," Spike said. "I mean I'm a demon. Vampire."
The father looked at him with a less than amused look, disbelief evident.
Spike's hand shot out, grabbing the cross and slipping into his game face.
Jakobs pulled back in fear, unable to get away.
Spike's hand smoked as the cross burned into his unholy flesh. He stared defiantly from yellow eyes. He let go after a minute, wincing again, and let his human features return.
"I'm a demon. A demon with a bleeding soul!" he roared. "I'm feeling all this regret, all this pain that I've never had to deal with once in my life! I can't do this. I've come to terms with that. I'm just…do you think anyone will ever know I'm sorry? The people I've killed? They're dead, so how are they going to know? I need them to know, Father."
Father Jakobs shook his head sadly at the lost soul. "If you are truly sorry, God will make sure they know."
Spike's look softened at that. In his heart he prayed that it was true.
"Thank you," he whispered. "I just needed to make sure."
As he got up, Father caught his hand.
"Son, there's always hope if you're truly a soul worth saving. God will know."
"That's just it," Spike said despondently as he began to walk away from the house of worship. "I'm not a soul worth saving. Couldn't be if I tried."
"Where is he?" Dawn cried frantically. "Where is he!?"
Buffy put her hand over her mouth as she finished reading the letter Dawn had found. "Oh, God. A soul?"
"Spike!" Dawn cried in anguish.
"Oh, God," Buffy repeated. She moved her mouth, unable to form words. There were no words for this.
It wasn't too late, was it? It couldn't be..
"He's gone?" Dawn asked softly, mournfully.
"Gone?" Buffy repeated. 'Or dead?'
"I don't know," she said. "I don't know."
"We have to find him, Buffy! Please! I know you're pissed, but we have to!" Dawn practically screamed.
"Let's go," Buffy said, pulling her by the hand.
They had to find him before it was too late. There was plenty of time to sort things out later. All that mattered just then was making sure he wasn't going to do something stupid.
Something permanent.
