Part one - A walk through the wood

It had been a long day, longer then usual. Perhaps it was the fact that he had not slept the night before, or just everything combined. It was not often in his long life that he considered any day longer then the last, but this day. Most of the guests had already left, going their own ways with lovers or loved ones, Galadriel herself had already departed for another part of the wood. Though Celeborn did not begrudge her the company she choose to seek out. For in truth their relationship had cooled over the years, he still loved her but it was not what it had once been. That was the reason they had agreed that it would be alright for each to seek another's company should they wish to do so. It was not her fault that the company he wished to seek might not be receptive of him, or even share his feelings.
Celeborn sighed, running a hand slowly through his long silver hair staring out at the silver light forest. It was beautiful night, he could not deny that despite the tired longing of his body and soul. Slowly eyes came to rest on Haldir, the guardian of the wood standing near one of the main entrances. His back was to him, but that did not matter, for a few moments Celeborn let himself look at the object of his desire before quickly averting his eyes. //beautiful he is... could he return my affection?//
It was the wine that was affecting his mind, it had to be that. He normally would not have done as he did that night, walking resolutely across the floor to the door. Coming to a stop next to Haldir, staring out at the night watching the way the silver shadows danced as the wind blew through the trees. "Haldir would you walk with me this night?" He asked softly after a moment, turning to look at the other directly for the first time. Eyes picking up the carefully sculptured features painted in moon and candle light, shining of hair, clothing clinging slightly to his body, showing off - to an extent - what lay beneath.

The guests had slowly started to leave after the celebration dinner, drifting past Haldir in small groups of two or three, still talking happily to each other. He could hear small bursts of laughter coming through the branches from the stairway beneath. Lady Galadriel had walked by him some time ago, smiling warmly at him and wishing him sweet dreams, but he noticed her husband did not go with her.
Haldir was feeling slightly tired, after standing on his post by the door throughout the long hours the party had lasted. Many times his eyes had drifted to his lord at the end of the table, sitting next to the Lady, looking somewhat lost in thoughts as if he was not enjoying himself as much as the others. He felt a deep affection towards his lord, perhaps more than for the lady, knowing that she often chose to spend her nights away from their talan, and worrying that his lord might have a heavy heart because of that.
He looked out through the branches, to the full moon shining brightly above him, and enjoying the cool breeze caressing his face, causing his hair to fly around his head. Being lost in thought, he gave a start when someone suddenly spoke to him. His heart jumped a little seeing Celeborn standing there, his silvery hair shining in the moonlight.
"Yes, certainly, my lord. It will be a pleasure to walk with you."

Brushing a free strand of hair back from his face where the wind had knocked it from it's original place, Celeborn gave him a smile. "Then come my friend." He replied, hand coming up to rest lightly on Haldir's shoulder for a moment, giving it a squeeze before letting it fall away. Celeborn's eyes watched Haldir for a couple of seconds, turning to walk away from him then, striding slowly but purposefully away from the hall and down towards the forest floor. There was something to be said for the view from that place but right now he wanted nothing more to do with it, wanted to be free of it. He wished he could stop and remove the robes of state, to replace them with something more comfortable, but he did not. Long since become accustom to wearing them, and moving about in them, they did not hinder him as they had once. Keen ears listened for the almost silent movement of Haldir with him, though he wanted nothing more then to turn and gaze at him, to look into those eyes and see his emotions mirrored in their depths, he did not.

Feeling Celeborn's unexpected touch upon his shoulder gave him a warm feeling inside. Often had he dreamed of a touch of his hand, or of the silvery hair that shone like a halo in the moonlight - but never dared to think further. Haldir met his lord's sky blue gaze for a moment, then modestly turning his eyes to the ground, turning to follow him down the stairs. They descended slowly, and Haldir enjoyed the sight of the high, stately shape before him, watching the muscles in his shoulders and back move through the thick fabric of his robe. Wanting to savour this sight, he wished the stairs would go on forever, but too soon they reached the forest floor.
Feeling the soft springy ground of the forest beneath his feet, Celeborn smiled to himself listening to the song of the stars and the life around him. Mingled with the music of the elves dancing off somewhere else in the forest. Celeborn absently wondered what it would be like to dance with the silent shadow behind him, if he could even be coaxed to dance with him as it were so. But he decided despite the slight haze of the wine that tonight was not the night to test that out, that it was too soon for that--no matter how much he might wish it. Instead picking another path that which lead away from the more inhabited parts of Lothlorien, into the wilder areas closer to the border. He did not intend to go that far however, the times were not as peaceful as they had once been. Celeborn would have liked to look outside the forest to visit that which had once been open to his people like the forest. Times were darker now, and though he wanted to he knew it was not wise to without at least more than the two of them--not to say that he did not trust Haldir's skills or his own.

They walked for a few minutes before coming to a stop near one of the smaller pools; fed by the rivulets. Celeborn watched the silver moon light play off the dark water, glancing over his shoulder to find Haldir still there with him. "How have you been?" Celeborn asked quietly, though he already knew much, "We have not had the time to talk much of late."

Silently, Haldir had followed a couple of steps behind his lord, wondering where he would like him to follow on this beautiful night. Seeing that they were headed out in the wood, he automatically raised a hand behind his back to check that the quiver was full and his bow in place, while his other hand for a moment rested at the top of the large, curved sword at his side. The moonlight shimmered through the moving leaves down on their path, glimmering in Celeborn's hair, shiny and heavy, falling like a cascade of light around his shoulders. Stopping by the small pool, Haldir turned to face Celeborn as he spoke to him, unsure why he had led them to this place.
"No we have not, and I regret that, my lord, but I have been on duty most of the time. We have had to reinforce the guard due to the increased activity of the orcs, and as we are still somewhat short of guards, the more experienced of us take double watches."

Celeborn nodded, knowing this already though he did not like the idea of anyone taking on more then their fair share leaving them weary should something happen. He also knew that it was necessary the way things had been of late with their ranks wearing thin. Eyes strayed back to the water as he walked forward a couple of feet kneeling to dip his fingers into the water, watching the ripples as they spread out in rings from the touch. "We must be more careful now than ever, we can not afford to leave anyone else." He commented quietly almost more to himself then to Haldir. "But I fear that darker times are coming, that in the future we will face some much more menacing then we already have... Something worse than orcs."

Celeborn would not speak the name of what he feared and had long suspected of moving, only Galadriel and Elrond knew of his fears, for they were fears that they had all shared in the last years. But more so as time passed. For a few moments the blackness in the water held his gaze, as if trying to pull him into the depths to loose him there and never let him go. Finally pulling away Celeborn stood up, water dripping from his fingers, he glanced back at Haldir once more with a little smile--this time openly letting his eyes rest on him watching for a reaction. "But what think you Haldir?"

Haldir held his eyes firmly, without hesitation, but did not move from where he stood, watching the tall elf kneel by the water. "There have not been so many orcs in these woods for hundreds of years, and they are all moving southwards. I feel there is a deep evil causing this, but I do not know what. We have been trying to enlist as many new guards as we can, but we are still not able to stop them. Just last night a party of two hundred crossed the Nimrodel. Fortunately they held a course that led them away from our homes. I am afraid that soon it will be unsafe to move outside the city gates at all. Do you know more of this, my lord?"

"Perhaps I do..." Celeborn admitted quietly glancing away from him of his own will after letting his gaze travel slowly along Haldir's body taking in the beauty of his form. A beauty he would have noticed even if his feelings and attracts had run no deeper then friendship. "There is naught that we can do against this except hold them from our shores if at all possible." He added this time his gaze serious. He trusted Haldir more then he trusted any other, but even in this matter he could not yet trust any other then the few who knew of it already. Despite Haldir's own intuition, or how right it might be. Celeborn's voice was quiet, when he spoke again. "Be careful Haldir, I would not have something happen to you out there in the dark." He said no more than that, letting Haldir take it as he would.

Celeborn would not forbid him from fighting, he would not keep him here by his side even though that was often where he was anyway. For he knew that the fighting spirit was not something to be shielded and kept hidden, it would only drive Haldir farther away from him when he wished only to pull him closer. Closing the distance between them both hands now coming to rest on his shoulders. "Do not think that I do not trust you, this is not a matter that should be spoke of lightly, nor even here in this sacred place."

"Then I will speak no more of it", Haldir replied, "but you can rest assured that I will always be prepared and ready to defend our homes and you, my lord."
He stood unmoving, feeling Celeborn's eyes on him, feeling his sweet, warm breath upon his face as his lord placed his hands on his shoulders. Haldir had never been so close to Celeborn before, he could almost feel the touch of his robes moving around him, and the warmth of his hands sent a shiver down his spine. For hundreds of years he had guarded his lord, always watching him, admiring his beautiful form and his gentle ways, growing more and more fond of him. He had watched as he and his lady seemed to drift apart, and his heart had been bleeding for his lord each time he had happened to catch a glimpse of the hurt in his eyes, before it was shielded again. Often had he felt a desire to touch him, to stroke his hair and to comfort him, to ease the pain when he felt his lord was troubled, but he had kept these thoughts deeply hidden. Having Celeborn now standing so close to him, made him both confused and unsure. He cast his eyes to the ground, afraid that his lord would see through his shell and glimpse the feelings hidden inside.

"I know you will Haldir." Celeborn's voice was quiet and he stayed where he was for a little bit longer, for the briefest moment letting something else show in his eyes, fingers coming to brush against Haldir's cheek before he turned away. "You have long been by my side, I thank you for that. Oft I know not what I would do without you." The admission was made softly, perhaps too softly to hear--or perhaps not. For a moment he was tempted--oh so tempted--to suggest a midnight swim in the pool before them, with a chance to glimpse more of that perfect body hidden beneath the robes that he wore. But he did not, uncertain how Haldir would take that or if he would be willing to in the first place, yet even as he pushed the thought away the water and the moonlight seemed to call to him.
Then a better idea presented its self to him, and he turned from this pool back towards the forest knowing Haldir would follow him out of duty or his own free will, either was alright with him--though he would have preferred the later of course. The hot springs were not far from here, perhaps there.

When Haldir felt the brush of fingers on his cheeks he lifted his eyes again, surprised. What he thought he saw in Celeborn's eyes made his own midnight blue eyes widen - but the next moment it was gone, and Haldir was not sure he had seen anything at all. As his lord turned away from him, he thought he heard a whisper - "I do not know what I would do without you".
Closing his eyes with emotion for a brief moment, and lifting his hand to touch where the precious fingers had touched him, still feeling the tingle on the skin, Haldir whispered to himself, barely audible through the wind in the leaves: "...and I do not know what I would do without you...."

Confused by the attention Celeborn was giving him this night, Haldir was afraid that the shield he had build up around him to conceal his feelings for his lord, would crack. He had long ago realized that this was something his lord should never know; Haldir would be content just being around him, guarding him, giving his life for him. Having smelled the wine upon his breath, he knew that this explained the change in behaviour. Tomorrow it would all be forgotten, and it was stupid of him to believe anything else, he chided himself. But still, he cherished the unexpected attention, saving it close to his heart.
When they arrived at the pool in the clearing, Haldir had believed that perhaps Celeborn wanted to have a bath, and had silently hoped for it, to have a chance to see his body without the layers of clothing. Therefore, he felt slightly disappointed when Celeborn left the clearing and started walking deeper into the woods. It was not until he felt the distinct smell of sulphur that he remembered the old bathing place with the hot springs, and the hope rose in him again.

Celeborn had said nothing as they made their way through the forest, simply enjoying the quiet peace after the non-stop day that had passed. And the unintrusive company of Haldir, for the moment nothing more then a shadow behind him, but for the moment that presence was enough. Though his ears had picked up Haldir's last comment, he decided that now was not the time to bring it up in more detail--he would have liked nothing better then to do so if he had thought it would lead to anything. //Perhaps there is hope, even if he is not yet ready for it...//
But there was hope of perhaps something more always there in the back of his mind, and right now the thought of perhaps convincing him to join him in the hot springs was almost too tantalizingly close. He paused for a moment watching the steam that rose from the water, the gentle breeze that wafted it towards them. The wine had started to wear off a little as it did with the elven system, the effects did not last as long as they did among humans unless quite a bit more was consumed. As a result he almost did not say what he said next, the rational part of his mind warning against it. "Bath with me Haldir?" He asked softly turning fully to watch the pale haired warrior behind him. "The day has been long for both of us, I do not doubt that a soaking in the hot pools would do both of us good."

Haldir hesitated for a moment. His lord was right, a bath would have been a good idea. During the long hours of the party, as he stood on his post by the door, he had been longing for a long, lonely moonlit bath to soothe tired muscles. But a bath with Celeborn - that was entirely different - although he could not deny the hot springs were tempting...
After looking around the quiet surroundings and listening to the soft forest sounds, he felt assured that there was no danger nearby. Slowly he nodded to Celeborn. "You are right, my lord. The water is said to have a slightly healing effect, and it will work wonders on a tired body. I cannot deny I have longed for a bath after this long day, but I will do that later. We are far from the city. I will guard you while you have your bath, my lord, so you will be safe."

His answer did not surprise Celeborn, he had been expecting such an answer, and was quite ready with an answer for it. There was a hint of laughter wafting from somewhere off in the forest. "Leave your weapons and come, Haldir, we are quite safe here. Despite our distance from the city all incursions have been on the other side, we have the city between us and them should anything happen. There are other sentries around we will have fair warning." He reached over to take Haldir's hand and pull him towards the water. "Come and relax while we still can, there may not be many such times in the future. Please." Celeborn added the last word almost without realizing it, a hint of a smile playing across his face as he met Haldir's gaze easily. "Come."

At last, Haldir smiled a little, softening his somewhat stern looks. "Very well, my lord, I will do as you ask of me, and lay down my weapons." In a smooth motion he loosened the bow, unstrapped the quiver and scabbard, and put them down on the ground near the water, where he could easily reach them in a hurry. Then he straightened his back, watching Celeborn expectantly

A smile graced Celeborn's features as Haldir agreed to bathe with him. Purposefully finding a place to sit Celeborn removed his boots so that he could remove the rest of his clothes. More than happy to shed the outer robes which were soon followed by the rest of his cloths, till only his breeches were left. Eyes strayed over to where Haldir was standing and then away again just as quickly, pushing thoughts of other things from his mind. Celeborn slid out of the rest of his clothes carefully folding them into a pile, placing it on one of the rocks around the pool. Refusing to let himself look back and Haldir yet, he stepped into the shallows of the pool enjoying the warm water on in skin.

Haldir stood still, watching his lord undress, admiring the perfect body, shimmering pearly white in the moonlight. When Celeborn gave him a quick glance before removing his breeches, his breath caught a little, and when he finally stood there, the whole body revealed beneath the moon, he involuntarily held his breath. His lord was so beautiful, slender and lithe, moving with the grace of a cat, and with the silvery hair shining like a halo around him, he looked almost celestial. Coming to his senses when Celeborn stepped into the pool, he finally let his breath out. With nimble hands he quickly removed his grey outer tunic, the black inner tunic and his boots. Folding them neatly and placing them next to his weapons, he then started loosening his breeches. Embarrassed he discovered he had a little problem, and turned partly away from the pool into the shadows, while pinching himself viciously inside his palms. The pain quickly helped, and he removed his breeches swiftly and placed them with the rest of his equipment. Then he quickly stepped into the pool and sat down to let the water cover his body up to his chest, not daring to look at Celeborn.

Having already taken a seat, Celeborn had watched Haldir discreetly out of the corner of his eye. //Could you be embarrassed around me?// He wondered absently a teasing little smile playing across his face as the thought of that. //Or perhaps it was something else.// Celeborn liked that thought even more, and he was rather glad of the darkness and the covering of water himself. The brief glimpses of Haldir's perfect body were enough to make him hard, though he was good at hiding it. Like he was good at hiding many other things, it was a skill that had been developed over many years it had served him well as of late. //Beautiful Haldir...// With a soft sigh Celeborn averted his gaze moving from the sitting spot he had chosen to slide beneath the warm waters for a few moments. Letting the warm quiet water close in over him, holding his breath for quite some time before coming back up, standing there for a minute the water just covering himself as he brushed wet hair back out of his face.
He waded over to sit down next to Haldir, leaning back against one of the warm slightly slippery rocks. "So come tell me, has there been no one in your life of late?" Celeborn asked genuinely curious--not just for his own sake. He had not seen Haldir with another often and even then it had not seemed to last long, if indeed it had ever been anything more then friendship. In part that made him glad, yet it also made him sad to think of Haldir always alone after all the years that had passed. "A lover perhaps?"

Haldir stealthily watched Celeborn dive under the surface, and then emerge with the water running down his body, and felt his problem coming back with a vengeance. He was grateful for the darkness making the water opaque, but as he saw his lord approaching, he hastily slid completely beneath the water for a moment, soaking his hair, before emerging, hoping the hot water on his face would explain his slightly flushed appearance. Relaxing little by little, his breath returning to normal, he leaned back against a large rock, looking Celeborn in the eyes.

"I do not have much time for such acquaintances, my lord. I spend most of my time in the forest guarding our borders, and in every fight I run the risk of being killed. I would not that someone should be alone most of the time, fearing for me every time I was on duty. That is no life to offer a lover." He sighed softly, turning away from Celeborn for a moment, looking out in the wood, pensive. "I tried, once. It did not work. I do not want to bring another the same pain again. It is better I am alone." He lowered his gaze to the water, playing with the wet strands of his hair, splashing gently with his fingers.

Celeborn was quiet for a time, understanding what he was saying at the same time. "Is there none who would accept that? If they were willing to live with that risk, would you be able to accept that?" He asked quietly after a few moments, reaching over to brush Haldir's wet hair back from his face tucking the strands gentle behind one perfectly tapered ear. "It is not right for any to be alone all the time no matter what life they lead." A gentle breeze wafted across the pool as Celeborn forced himself to pull his hand away, letting his gaze watch the ripple of the moon light across the surface of the pool. At least where it was visible as the steam changed sometimes heavier in one area or in another.

Haldir shivered slightly at the touch of Celeborn's hand, and the breath caught in his throat. His ears were extremely sensible, and he was already painfully aware of his lord's body next to him, so the light touch sent warm pangs throughout his body. He drew his knees up towards his chest, to hide the evident proof of his distraction, being grateful for the steam on the water surface. "I do not know, my lord", he replied slowly, forcing himself to concentrate on what Celeborn was saying. "I do not know anybody that would accept that, and I have not been trying to find somebody who would."

"And if you did find someone?" Celeborn persisted, reaching down to find a smooth round stone from the bottom of the pool, rubbing his thumb across the surface of it. Letting it rest in his palm he brought it up, looking at it in the moon light watching the way the surface gleamed still wet with water. "Would you be willing to give them a chance?" He was tempted to let the stone fall back to the bottom, but he didn't; closing his fingers around it instead.

Haldir looked at Celeborn somewhat puzzled, not understanding what he was aiming at. "I guess so", he said at last, folding his arms around his knees, resting his chin on top of them. "It gets lonely sometimes. But I do not know anybody who would be interested in me." Turning his head towards Celeborn again, he looked deep into the sky blue eyes for a moment, trying to read what his lord was thinking, unsuccessful he turned his eyes away again.

"Perhaps you will find someone, I would not give up hope if I were you." Celeborn replied quietly, giving him a little smile. "There is always someone out there who is willing to take the risk, you simply have to wait for them to find you, or you to find them." He would have liked nothing better right then, than to admit to being that person himself to ask Haldir if he would accept him. But he could not yet bring himself to do so, still uncertain as to what Haldir's response would be. Celeborn wished he had thought to ask more about this lover Haldir had mentioned, wondering if it had been a female or a male, some of his problems would have been or could have been answered right then and there. Yet he did not feel comfortable bringing it back up again no matter how much he wished to know.

By Celeborn's words, Haldir's eyes inadvertently turned to his lord's face again, and for a second his carefully guarded defense was gone, and his look was one of pure longing, open to his soul. Then a soft sound came from the forest, like that of a small animal moving in the shadows, Haldir shifted and the moment was gone, his defenses back again. With a heavy sigh he turned in the direction of the sound, flushed. "Perhaps there could be somebody", he finally said, with another heavy sigh, "but I cannot wish for what I cannot have". Filling his hands with water, he washed his face and stroke his hair back from his forehead, before turning his eyes to the wood again.

Celeborn sighed as he watched the mask go back up across Haldir's features, silently cursing whatever it was that had broken their moment. Though he had not missed the look that had been on those features, one that pulled at his heart even more. It made him want to gather Haldir close to make sure that such a sad look never touched him so deeply. //Perhaps that someone is closer then you think.// He thought, knowing it was not the time for such things to be said yet. "You dismiss the possibility so easily." Celeborn commented softly. "Is there none you would have by your side?"

Haldir sighed again, not looking at Celeborn. "Perhaps there is one," he admitted slowly, "but it is not possible. That person is not free, and does not know my feelings". Blowing at the steam on the water, causing it to flutter away, he turned to the elf beside him and asked silently: "Why do you ask all this, my lord?"

He did not answer that question for a few moments, and when he did it was not exactly and answer. "Can I not worry about your well being?" He asked leaning back against the rock as he stared up at the leafy canopy above them. "There is more to being well then simply physical well being." Celeborn sighed softly. "Forgive me if I have asked too much, you may do the same of me if you wish, ask what you like and as I can I will answer."

I do not have that many questions," Haldir started with another heavy sigh. Celeborn's questions had reminded him of the impossible situation, and his heart grew heavy. "But I wonder why you ask about my lack of a life partner. You have never talked about such things before. Have I not always done my duty to your liking? Why do you suddenly want me to find someone? Will I perform my duty better if I had a partner?" He looked at Celeborn with a sad, pained expression in his face, his voice catching slightly: "I can never have the one I want, therefore I will never have anybody at all. If you want me to resign because of that, I will." He turned away, placing his elbows on his knees, and resting his face in his hands.

"Have you nothing that you would ask other than that?" Celeborn laughed softly--thought not in a mean way--reaching over to gently lift Haldir's face from his hands shaking his head slightly. "Ne, dear Haldir that is not why I ask, I do not doubt your ability to perform your job nor do I question you in any way when it comes to what you do and who you are. You have never failed me in any way and I do not see how you ever could... I simply worry for your own well being..." He said quietly but earnestly his hand coming to rest on Haldir's shoulder, holding his gaze. "I do not like to see you alone all the time, yet if you say that it will always be so it saddens me to think of you thus.." He hesitated for the barest of moments. "Might you tell me who it is you long for?" He asked softly, uncertain what response he hoped for in response to that question.

"I cannot tell you that, my lord. It.. is impossible". Haldir shook his head slowly. "I do not like to think of it, it saddens me because it can never be." Another sigh. "I am content to be your guard, if you are still content with me. That is enough for me."

Celeborn studied Haldir his thumb moving gently back and forth across the soft skin of his cheek. "I would never be happy with another by my side." He commented softly knowing the dual meanings in that statement, though he wasn't sure that Haldir would see them. He wished that Haldir had told him, and yet the fact that he had not gave him some hope that perhaps it was not another. "Often choices that we believe are not possible have a strange way of revealing themselves." He commented quietly.

Haldir felt tired and sad, and feeling Celeborn stroking his cheek was a touch he had been longing for as long as he could remember. Sighing again, he inadvertently leaned into the touch, closing his eyes.

A gentle look came across Celeborn's face as he felt Haldir lean into the touch, he almost leaned forward and kissed him right then and there, capturing those perfect lips with his own. Something in him stopped him, but somehow it gave him hope that perhaps things might work out after all. They sat there for a time before he reluctantly pulled away, hand sliding down through the water to rest on Haldir's knee. Celeborn let it stay there leaning back against the rock once more letting the silence hang--companionably--between them.

Haldir slowly opened his eyes again. The touches from his lord were almost more than he could bear; it made him yearn for more. He wished no more than to slide into his arms and snuggle his face close against that perfect ebony chest, and just be held tightly. Although his lord's caresses made his heart beat faster and faster, they were probably just out of pity for his sad state. Yes, that was it. Celeborn felt pity with him. It did not mean any more that that. That thought made him sad again, and he turned his gaze towards the one sitting beside him. Seeing that Celeborn was not looking at him at the moment, he let his mask slip, and regarded him longingly.

"Do not loose hope." Celeborn commented softly eyes sliding close for a few moments. He spoke to Haldir though he did not look over at him. "Perhaps that which you long for is not as far away as you might think." His fingers moved lightly along the inside of Haldir's thigh, before vanishing. Celeborn sighed softly eyes opening, he turned to look over at Haldir expression rather tired. Somehow everything seemed to be wearing thin of late, and sometimes his eyes showed it more then he liked whether he realized it or not.




Celeborn's touch on his thigh made his whole body tingle, and Haldir took a deep breath to regain control over his pulse. He did not know how much longer he could take being so close to his lord, with nothing but water between their bare bodies....
But when meeting Celeborn's gaze, his looks softened with concern. His lord looked tired and weary. //Stupid me// he chided himself, //being so absorbed in my own petty troubles - not being perceptive to my lord// "My lord," he said, concerned, "you look troubled. Is there anything I can do for you to help you ease your mind? Would you like to tell me of your worries?"

Looking away Celeborn smiled tiredly. "There is much trouble in these days, and more to come in the days head. I fear." Celeborn replied quietly touched by the concern evident on Haldir's face. He did not miss the fact that despite the cool of their love, he missed having Galadriel in his bed, not so much for her love as for her simple presence. There are always times when one longs for a companion, of any kind. Then there was also the fact that he had long kept hidden his love for the elf sitting beside him, even now when he longed to tell, he could not yet let himself do so. Of that he could not speak--yet. Celeborn still held hope that perhaps in the future there would be a time when he could, and if it were never to happen... He pushed that thought from his mind. "The days are dark for our people Haldir, and our time will too soon come to an end, it saddens me."

"I know", Haldir said quietly. "With this deep evil growing stronger, more and more of our people are leaving. This is not a new thing, however, it has come gradually, and we have known of it for a long time. Nevertheless I have seen you look more and more heavy of heart as of late. Might there be other worries that troubles you as well, my lord?" Haldir turned a little where he sat, so he could face Celeborn directly, and looked him straight in the eyes with a gentle look on his face.

Oh that look, tempted him so deeply to simply speak to Haldir, to tell him the truth of his worries from start to finish and to leave nothing out. But he still could not let himself do so, though his control slipped a little as he gazed into Haldir's eyes. "Aye perhaps there is more, it saddens me to think that the love even such as I shared with Galadriel can cool almost as if it never were. We still see each other, but there is nothing between us but a caring for the other. She is more often gone from my bed, it seems, with an abundance of lovers who would have her yet..." He didn't finish the sentence, looking away from Haldir with a soft sigh. "Ah.. tis not something I fear I should have spoken of." Celeborn whispered, taking the next few moments to build up his own walls again free of the gaze of Haldir. //To think that a simple look could do such to me.// He thought, wondering if it had ever been so with Galadriel.

The look on Celeborn's face almost broke Haldir's heart. //Now I have increased his pain by asking this.... oh to be able to take him in my arms and comfort him.// His heart bled when he heard the other admit what he had already understood - that his lady had forsaken his lord for the arms of others. Seeing Celeborn struggling to stay in control, Haldir could not help himself - he knew he should not, being a simple guard who should know his place - but he reached out a hand and placed it comforting on Celeborn's shoulder. "Be not afraid of what you have told me, my lord. I have seen it for myself - whenever I am guarding your home, she leaves, and does not come back until morning. I have been deeply concerned for you, my lord."

For a moment he stayed where he was before looking up, once more catching Haldir's gaze. "Tis her right for we both decided so, and yet sometimes I wish she would stay for at least a little while." He smiled a little bit hand coming up to cover Haldir's. "I thank you for your concern." Celeborn replied softly, //It touches me more then you know.// But he did not say the last part aloud.

"I am sorry for speaking too freely, my lord. It really is not my place to speak of the relationship between you and my Lady. It is just that I ... I do not want to see you hurt, my lord..." Haldir looked down, blushing and ashamed for being so blunt, starting to pull his hand away.

Celeborn clasped his hand gently around Haldir's not letting it go when he started to pull away, keeping it there. A hand reached up to touch Haldir's cheek gently. "Think nothing of it, I would like to think of you as a friend as well, Haldir." Celeborn said quietly. "And of such things friends should be able to speak more freely." He was quiet for a few moments. "And it was not merely her choice but my own as well."

Haldir raised his eyes again, enjoying the touch on his cheek, but confused about this new friendliness in Celeborn. //What does he mean that it is also his choice that his lady stays away?// He looked for a long moment into his lord's eyes, reading the pain that was still there, uncomprehending. In the end he spoke: " If it is also your choice that it should be this way with your lady, why are you still in pain?"

A sad little smile played across his face. "Perhaps because it is not so easily to let go of someone after spending many years with them. I can remember a time when we were everything to each other, and to look at what we are now - it saddens me even though I know it is for the better. I would not hold her down while she would be with another just as she would not do so with me. Yet there are times when I wish we could simply go back to what it was, because it is easier." Celeborn was silent for a moment watching the confusion on Haldir's face. "And because I, like you, am alone." He added quietly.

Celeborn's words touched Haldir deeply. Yet there was something there, something he did not quite say - the meaning of it eluded him at first - then he seemed to grasp what his lord was not saying. //There is somebody else for him// The truth of it struck him like a thunderbolt - and it hurt deeply. He could hardly look at Celeborn, afraid of what he would hear if he dared to ask - but he had to. "There is somebody else you want to be with," he whispered flatly, looking away.

He caught the note in Haldir's voice, it was almost enough as he gently raised Haldir's chin. "I do not yet know if it is possible." He said softly. "Perhaps, yet I fear that the one I want could not possibly feel the same for me." Celeborn sighed. "So you see perhaps I understand more of what you are feeling then you realize."
//I would have you, even with the life you lead Haldir, if I said that would you accept me? Would you have me?// Celeborn thought studying Haldir's features. //Or is it truly another that your heart longs after as my heart longs after you?//

//So he truly does want another// The truth was crushing him, and Haldir tried to turn his head away, though his chin was still held by Celeborn. "I understand, my lord. Then you are truly in pain." The last words were merely whispers.

For the first time in a long time words deserted Celeborn and he knew not what to say in response. He knew full well exactly what was going through Haldir's mind right then, yet he could not quite bring himself to tell him the truth. Celeborn sighed letting his hand fall to Haldir's shoulder now. "No more than you." He said finally, this time the first to look away. "Perhaps things will unravel themselves in ways that neither you nor I expect them to." //I pray that in the end they will finish where we both need them to finish.// He thought, hand tightening over Haldir's for a brief moment before reluctantly letting it go.

Haldir could not take this anymore. Celeborn wished for another, just as much as Haldir wished for his lord. The sweet caresses he had bestowed upon Haldir during their conversation, were merely given out of pity for him, understanding his situation. He could no longer sit next to the person he wanted more than anybody in this world, knowing that he had cast his eyes upon a new love. His heart was breaking. All he wanted, was to get back to his own talan and be alone.
Abruptly, he stood up in the water and brushed the drops off his body, before moving to the edge of the pool. "I am very tired, my lord. I regret to have to leave, but I am on duty tomorrow, and need to rest." His voice was slightly trembling, but he did not notice.

"Aye, tomorrow will come all to soon." Celeborn admitted softly, noting the slight tremble of Haldir's voice. Raising and following him, Celeborn was quiet when he spoke, only taking the time to replace the lightest of his cloths. Draping the other across his arm, so that he could carry them back with him. "Sleep well my friend." Celeborn commented quietly, turning Haldir to face him he did not think before he pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. Pulling away almost just as quickly as he had started it Celeborn turned to walk away without looking back. He knew if he looked back he would not be able to stop himself from going back as well, just as he had had to stop the kiss before he did more. //Sweet Haldir..//

Haldir had gone straight to his clothes without looking at Celeborn, and had just finished dressing when Celeborn suddenly had turned him around and kissed him. It stunned him completely. He was not able to speak or move, just stood there with his mouth open, utterly bewildered, staring after his lord disappearing between the trees. After quite some time he drew a shaking breath, and lifted his hand to softly trace his finger along his lips where his lord had kissed him, his eyes slowly filling with liquid silver, spilling down his cheeks.

The rooms were of course empty when he returned to them, he had expected nothing less. Though somehow they felt much more so after spending the last bit of evening with Haldir, made him long for another's company even more. Particularly that of a certain blond haired elf. Tossing the robes down in the corner, Celeborn sighed slowly running a hand across his face and back through his hair. He could still feel Haldir's lips against his own, the gentle pressure of his hand on his shoulder, the warmth of his skin beneath his own fingertips so tantalizingly close and far away. The sad look that had been in his eyes still cut deep as he remembered it, wanting nothing more than to vanquish it from sight before. //Smile Haldir, I wish only to see your smile, even if that which you seek is another, as long as you are happy...//

Celeborn took a slow shaky breath of his own, sitting down before the mirror he began to brush the knots from his hair trying not to think of what had happened. Yet how could he not think of it when every little detail was still burned so clearly in his memory--the memory of an elf both a blessing and curse. Still he would not choose to forget anything that had happened even if he could, Celeborn remembered the gentle longing that had been so evident on Haldir's face, it brought his walls crumbling down even now. He clutched the brush tight slowly forcing himself to set it down with control instead of simply dropping it to the floor. It made him wonder now, how he had kept from doing as his heart longed to when faced with Haldir, if the memory of it could still have so much control over him. "Sweet Haldir, what I would not do for you..." He whispered to the silent empty room. "For it was you who replaced my lady in my heart though you have yet to realize it."

Haldir had finally collected himself enough to gather up his weapons and stealthily, silently slip through the wood and up to his simple talan, in the outskirts of the city. He had tried to shut out every thought in his brain, to be able to go to bed and fall asleep, but to no avail. As he lay on his bed, tossing and turning, he could not stop thinking about what had happened earlier that night. Over and over again he replayed every conversation in his mind, analyzing every word from Celeborn, every expression on his face, every touch. Every time he ended up with the kiss, feeling Celeborn closing in, pressing his soft lips to his own - reliving it over and over and over.

He had though it was so simple - Celeborn pitying him because he was in the same situation himself - but the kiss.... the kiss did not feel like pity. Why had he kissed him? Thinking about the other caresses - quite unlike Celeborn - he had thought it was the wine, but the effects of wine did not last that long - not long enough to explain the kiss. What could this mean - could the caresses mean something else than pity? Could they mean affection.... or.... maybe.....
The kiss.... the soft lips..... They were still replaying in his brain when he finally fell asleep, totally exhausted.

Celeborn slept naught that night, though he lay in the bed for a time before raising knowing it was useless. He was tired, but sleep would not come and he was not foolish enough to stay and wait for it. There was little enough time left of the night, the big empty room with memories of Haldir still playing through his mind--enough to drive one mad if they let it. So he left the silent rooms behind, making his way along the quiet paths of the forest, letting the calm there seep into his soul. For the time escaping that which had long since haunted him. Though he did not go far from the city in the trees knowing full well the danger--yet he was not worried about it. Where something to happen the forest would warn him of it, and it was not as if there was no place to hide.
And so the night passed them by, all too soon morning was beginning to dawn upon the forest once more.