Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! belongs to Kazuki Takahashi. I doubt he would approve of this.

My only excuse for this story is that I was eating maltballs. Take it as you will.

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I loved you.

Or I thought I did.

No, no...I loved you. Definitely.

Truly, madly, deeply, masochistically, painfully, humiliatingly, wrathfully, until I couldn't tell what was me and what was you and I hated that, I hated it so much that you got in and broke me like that, you bastard....

Oh God, how I loved you.

And you knew it. And you reveled in it. You loved me loving you.

But you didn't love me.

I'm not sure when I became okay with that.

Wait, no. I was never okay with that. I just put up with it.

I put up with everything.

Because, you know, I loved you.

And that's what love is, right? Putting up with the other person's faults, with their criticism, with their never-ending rage, their hate, their punishments....Putting up with it all.

Because, eventually, it changes, right? That's how all the fairytales go. All the stories about two people who fight all the time, you know they're really in love.

Truly in love.

Right?

Oh. Yeah. You can't answer me. Sorry, I forgot. I'm still no good. You tried and tried to make me better, but I never lived up to you. I'm sorry.

No I'm not. I'm glad. I never want to be you. I hate you.

I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me, please? I didn't mean to say that. Will you forgive me?

Why won't you answer me?

You can't. Right. I'm still so stupid.

I wanted to do this a long time ago, just sit down and talk to you. I wanted to know why you always treated me like you did, why you never spoke a kind word, why you always had to hurt me and yell at me and make me love you when I was nothing but a thing in your eyes....

Because I did love you. I do love you.

I just can't forgive you anymore.

You cut so deep, you dug into my chest and broke my ribs and twisted my heart into a pulp and reached even further to find my soul-my soul, something that should have been invisible to everyone, but you were my other, so I guess it makes sense-you took my soul and you tore it. Tiny little rips with every word, every caress, every slap, remark, glance, refusal, ignoration....You tore into my soul with tiny, tiny nails, until it was nothing but a tattered shroud. Until I had to take it out because there was no more place for it inside me.

I was so much more kinder to you. I always was. The pain could only have lasted for a second, the gunshot was so fast.

I think I hurt myself more than you. My ears only just stopped ringing.

I'm being selfish again. I shouldn't. I'm sorry.

You forgive me, right? I mean, you don't really have a choice.

You forgive me.

Will you take me back?

You won't? Of course. I messed up again. You kept trying to tell me what I was doing wrong, trying to teach me to be stronger, and I just keep failing you. I'm sorry.

You won't.

I should know better. I should be better. This can't possibly hurt compared to everything you've done. This is such a short pain; I know, I saw it in your eyes. You barely felt a thing. You spent so long training me to bear up under the worst pain, and I'm frightened of something that won't even hurt.

I'm still a child in love with you, I guess. Still your failure.  Forgive me?

...You did. That's right.

Okay. I'll be strong now. I'll be good. Are you sure you won't take me back? I promise, I won't let you down this time.

Yes, I will. I know. I always do.

I don't want to be strong. I'm afraid of the pain.

Or, I'm afraid of it stopping. So I have to put the gun down now.

I failed you again, I'm sorry. But you already knew I would, didn't you? You always do.

That's why you wouldn't take me back.

No, I'm not a failure! I'm not! I'll prove it!

BLAM

...My ears are ringing again....