Part 7 - Troubled Hearts
By Jaya and Blue
Celeborn felt slightly bad that he was so relieved when Elrohir left them, leaning back in the seat, letting his eyes slide closed as his grandson left the room. There was something dark that hung in the air over Elrohir's head as well, though he had not spoken of it. It was still obvious, Celeborn knew he would have to try and get it out of him sooner or later. But so far Elrohir had deflected all his discreet inquires with surprising ease. Slowly bringing his hand to his face, Haldir and all that had happened flashing before his closed eyes, bringing back all the hurt that had come with it. He felt like crying, though he did not let the tears come, nor did he turn to look at Tinendel though he knew that the other elf was still in the room. //I cannot do this.// He thought pressing the heel of his hand against his eyes
Tinendel sat in the other chair, looking intently at his dear friend. He could imagine how he felt, Celeborn had never been good at hiding things from him, and he could read in his face that his heart was breaking after having seen Haldir being so cold to him. Also he suspected that Celeborn might have felt the connection between the guard and Elrohir just as strongly as he did. When he saw the lord press his hands against his face, Tinendel carefully moved his chair up to sit right next to Celeborn, and without speaking he softly pulled him close, stroking his hair with one hand, stroking his back with the other, to provide some silent comfort.
Celeborn did not fight as Tinendel pulled him close; he was one of the few who understood what he felt, always had. Still nothing was said as he moved closer to press his face against Tinendel's neck, body shaking slightly as the tears finally came. It had been pent up for so long, ever since the incident that Haldir had run away from.
Holding him tightly, Tinendel pressed his face down in Celeborn's hair, kissing it softly, nuzzling into it. Whispering soothing words with no meaning, he stroke his hands slowly up and down his back, tangling them into his hair, wishing there was something he could do to ease his pain, but at the same time knowing that Celeborn really needed this, he had held back far too long. The room was silent, save the soft, muffled sobs coming from the silver-haired elf as Tinendel held him and simply let him cry.
It was some time before Celeborn finally settled down, though he did not move from the safe embrace of those arms. "You saw it did you not?" Celeborn asked finally, softly, lifting his head a little from Tinendel's shoulder resting his cheek there instead.
Looking at Celeborn with great tenderness, Tinendel gently raised a hand to stroke damp strands of hair from his wet face, then proceeded to wipe some of the tears away from his cheeks, softly kissing his forehead. Still holding his other arm around him, he hugged him tight. "Yes", Tinendel whispered, "I saw it too. What will you do?"
"Is there anything I can do?" Celeborn asked finally, closing his eyes. "Perhaps I was mistaken in thinking what I thought, I only imagined what I thought I saw..." Yet even now he could not quite bring himself to believe it, he needed to talk to Haldir. But the thought of meeting that cold voice once more, the stone image that had been warm and soft before, brought a few new tears to his eyes.
"There, there." Tinendel bent down to softly kiss the tears away, his heart bleeding for the pain in his dear friend's eyes. "I think the problem is that you do not know. You only think you do... You must find out what he really feels for you - and most important, you must let him know how you feel. I think all this is based on you two misunderstanding each other."
"And what if I was wrong? Then what? What if he turns away form me, what then should I do?" Celeborn asked softly, refusing to look into Tinendel's eyes, unable to bear what he might see there. He was tempted, sorely tempted, to simply loose himself in his friend, but he would not do so knowing he would only be using Tinendel and denying himself at the same time.
"At least then you will know, and be able to move on. You cannot go on like this. This not knowing is breaking your heart." Tinendel whispered, pressing his face to Celeborn's cheek, tenderly kissing a stray tear from the corner of Celeborn's eye, nuzzling into him. He was almost overwhelmed by a wave of tenderness for him, reminding him of the feelings they used to have for each other when they were lovers long ago. In Tinendel, those feelings had never died.
Simply letting Tinendel do what he liked, Celeborn said nothing for a long time knowing his friend cared and worried. Yet he did not know what to say that would make it better, Tinendel knew too well what was going on inside his mind already. "I will talk to him tonight then." He said finally, with a soft sigh.
"How will you do that?" Suddenly remembering what Elrohir had said, Tinendel was almost afraid to remind Celeborn. "Your grandson will be there." He folded both his arms around the other elf's shoulders and pulled him as close as he could, resting his forehead on Celeborn's, softly rubbing their noses together, as they had used to do long ago. "He should not know about this."
Celeborn swallowed, unable to help but meet Tinendel's gaze. "Then I will go later after he should have left... I do not know how much longer I can wait without going mad." He bit his lower lip refusing to think about the other possibility; that Elrohir would still be there when he arrived. Celeborn could not think of that, he would indeed go crazy if he were to dwell on it for too long.
Tinendel looked deep into Celeborn's eyes and could read his thoughts in their depths. "You fear he will not have left," he whispered. "What is between them? Have they been close before?" Seeing the sky blue eyes clouded by pain again, he immediately regretted his words, and closing his eyes he pressed his face against the other.
"Not that I know of." Celeborn admitted, glad for a break from those eyes as they closed. "Yet, I would be a fool to ignore what I have seen between the two of them. If I am wrong, if it was indeed Elrohir that Haldir longed after, and not I? I do not know what to think..." It hurt even to say it, his voice broke slightly as he did so.
"Shhh, love, do not weep again, lest I start too," Tinendel murmured into his face, kissing more stray tears away. He trembled slightly, his pain and concern for Celeborn, and the intense emotional closeness they shared, caused the suppressed feelings for his old lover to wake again, and he feared the pain that inevitably would cause him. He had never stopped loving Celeborn, although he had left him at one point, because he could not resist his need for adventure - but in his heart he had wanted Celeborn to ask him to stay with him. His lover had not asked him that, and he had left for a while, intending to come back to him again - but when he did, the fair Galadriel had come to Doriath, and Celeborn's heart had been taken.
Letting his own eyes closed Celeborn finally nodded slightly, though the question had not been answered. He knew there was no good answer for it, knew he did not know what he would do were it to be shown impossible. Pushing the thought from his mind all together, it would not go away completely but as best he could. "Thank you my friend." Celeborn whispered, closing the distance between them to kiss Tinendel gently on the lips. "I know not what I would have done had you not been here." He ignored the fact that this would most likely not have happened if Tinendel had not been here.
Feeling Celeborn's lips on his own made Tinendel tremble, and he returned the kiss with passion, trying to ignore the nagging thought that he was just exploiting that Celeborn was emotionally unstable at the moment. //No, I am not using him. I love him.// There, now he had admitted to himself what he had not dared to admit before, although he would still not admit why he had come to Lorien this time, not even to himself. Raining butterfly kisses all over Celeborn's face he asked slowly; "Do you want me to talk to Haldir for you? Then you would not need to go."
It was a tempting though,t much more so than he cared to admit even to himself, but he simply caught Tinendel's eyes. That look nearly made him say yes, but he did not. "No, I must do it for myself. It would not help matters were you to go to him to try and talk to him." He said softly.
"Probably not," Tinendel admitted, nuzzling deep into Celeborn's hair. "I could sense his resentment - I think he hates me, and blames me for his own misery." At least it had seemed like misery when he had seen him in the doorway that morning, although he was growing more uncertain now, thinking about Celeborn's theory that he had loved Elrohir all along. "Perhaps... no it is nothing. Elrohir must not know."
"He will not, if we can keep him from knowing." Celeborn agreed quietly standing up, pulling away from Tinendel as he did so. Walking over to the window, with a sigh. "But it might not be possible to keep him from knowing all together..."
Tinendel rose too, coming over to stand beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder: "I promise I will try to shield him. But there might come a time when we will have to tell him. Please let me help you to sort this out." Leaning his head to Celeborn's shoulder, he stared out the window.
Celeborn simply nodded slightly with a sigh. "He will but we must wait and see, there is something around him, something that speaks of much sorrow." He replied, closing his eyes as he stared out into the forest not really seeing it.
"Yes, I noticed there is a grief in him. Perhaps it might have something to do with him coming here alone. He would not speak of it, though..." Tinendel agreed, stroking Celeborn's hair slowly.
"Aye I noticed." Celeborn replied leaning against Tinendel with a quiet sigh. "It seems that there is more sadness than there is joy at the moment." He was quiet for a time. "Perhaps you should speak to him, he might be more willing to speak to you where he would not to me."
"I think that goes for us all", Tinendel whispered, mostly to himself. "There is no real happiness in any of us..." Closing his eyes tight, he tried not to think of the memories that threatened to surface. Sighing, he turned to Celeborn, nuzzling into his hair: "I will try to speak with him, perhaps when he is coming here to dine tomorrow? He used to like talking to me when he was a child."
Celeborn gave his friend a quizzical look wondering what sorrow it was he spoke of that he had not before mentioned. He had not seen it in his eyes when he arrived, yet he wondered now if he had been too distracted by his own pain. Celeborn brought his hand up to brush Tinendel's cheek gently. "Thank you," he said quietly, again.
"You are welcome." //My love// Tinendel added silently to himself. He had nothing more to say, simply stood there feeling Celeborn close to him, leaning into his touch. Looking deep into the sky blue eyes of the silver-haired elf next to him, he finally let his emotions take over, and leaned over to kiss Celeborn tenderly on the lips, closing his eyes.
There was not much more to be said, it was understood between them - though perhaps not in the way Celeborn though it was. He did however return the kiss with tender passion, the way they had once kissed before. Only this time it would not lead to anything more.
By Jaya and Blue
Celeborn felt slightly bad that he was so relieved when Elrohir left them, leaning back in the seat, letting his eyes slide closed as his grandson left the room. There was something dark that hung in the air over Elrohir's head as well, though he had not spoken of it. It was still obvious, Celeborn knew he would have to try and get it out of him sooner or later. But so far Elrohir had deflected all his discreet inquires with surprising ease. Slowly bringing his hand to his face, Haldir and all that had happened flashing before his closed eyes, bringing back all the hurt that had come with it. He felt like crying, though he did not let the tears come, nor did he turn to look at Tinendel though he knew that the other elf was still in the room. //I cannot do this.// He thought pressing the heel of his hand against his eyes
Tinendel sat in the other chair, looking intently at his dear friend. He could imagine how he felt, Celeborn had never been good at hiding things from him, and he could read in his face that his heart was breaking after having seen Haldir being so cold to him. Also he suspected that Celeborn might have felt the connection between the guard and Elrohir just as strongly as he did. When he saw the lord press his hands against his face, Tinendel carefully moved his chair up to sit right next to Celeborn, and without speaking he softly pulled him close, stroking his hair with one hand, stroking his back with the other, to provide some silent comfort.
Celeborn did not fight as Tinendel pulled him close; he was one of the few who understood what he felt, always had. Still nothing was said as he moved closer to press his face against Tinendel's neck, body shaking slightly as the tears finally came. It had been pent up for so long, ever since the incident that Haldir had run away from.
Holding him tightly, Tinendel pressed his face down in Celeborn's hair, kissing it softly, nuzzling into it. Whispering soothing words with no meaning, he stroke his hands slowly up and down his back, tangling them into his hair, wishing there was something he could do to ease his pain, but at the same time knowing that Celeborn really needed this, he had held back far too long. The room was silent, save the soft, muffled sobs coming from the silver-haired elf as Tinendel held him and simply let him cry.
It was some time before Celeborn finally settled down, though he did not move from the safe embrace of those arms. "You saw it did you not?" Celeborn asked finally, softly, lifting his head a little from Tinendel's shoulder resting his cheek there instead.
Looking at Celeborn with great tenderness, Tinendel gently raised a hand to stroke damp strands of hair from his wet face, then proceeded to wipe some of the tears away from his cheeks, softly kissing his forehead. Still holding his other arm around him, he hugged him tight. "Yes", Tinendel whispered, "I saw it too. What will you do?"
"Is there anything I can do?" Celeborn asked finally, closing his eyes. "Perhaps I was mistaken in thinking what I thought, I only imagined what I thought I saw..." Yet even now he could not quite bring himself to believe it, he needed to talk to Haldir. But the thought of meeting that cold voice once more, the stone image that had been warm and soft before, brought a few new tears to his eyes.
"There, there." Tinendel bent down to softly kiss the tears away, his heart bleeding for the pain in his dear friend's eyes. "I think the problem is that you do not know. You only think you do... You must find out what he really feels for you - and most important, you must let him know how you feel. I think all this is based on you two misunderstanding each other."
"And what if I was wrong? Then what? What if he turns away form me, what then should I do?" Celeborn asked softly, refusing to look into Tinendel's eyes, unable to bear what he might see there. He was tempted, sorely tempted, to simply loose himself in his friend, but he would not do so knowing he would only be using Tinendel and denying himself at the same time.
"At least then you will know, and be able to move on. You cannot go on like this. This not knowing is breaking your heart." Tinendel whispered, pressing his face to Celeborn's cheek, tenderly kissing a stray tear from the corner of Celeborn's eye, nuzzling into him. He was almost overwhelmed by a wave of tenderness for him, reminding him of the feelings they used to have for each other when they were lovers long ago. In Tinendel, those feelings had never died.
Simply letting Tinendel do what he liked, Celeborn said nothing for a long time knowing his friend cared and worried. Yet he did not know what to say that would make it better, Tinendel knew too well what was going on inside his mind already. "I will talk to him tonight then." He said finally, with a soft sigh.
"How will you do that?" Suddenly remembering what Elrohir had said, Tinendel was almost afraid to remind Celeborn. "Your grandson will be there." He folded both his arms around the other elf's shoulders and pulled him as close as he could, resting his forehead on Celeborn's, softly rubbing their noses together, as they had used to do long ago. "He should not know about this."
Celeborn swallowed, unable to help but meet Tinendel's gaze. "Then I will go later after he should have left... I do not know how much longer I can wait without going mad." He bit his lower lip refusing to think about the other possibility; that Elrohir would still be there when he arrived. Celeborn could not think of that, he would indeed go crazy if he were to dwell on it for too long.
Tinendel looked deep into Celeborn's eyes and could read his thoughts in their depths. "You fear he will not have left," he whispered. "What is between them? Have they been close before?" Seeing the sky blue eyes clouded by pain again, he immediately regretted his words, and closing his eyes he pressed his face against the other.
"Not that I know of." Celeborn admitted, glad for a break from those eyes as they closed. "Yet, I would be a fool to ignore what I have seen between the two of them. If I am wrong, if it was indeed Elrohir that Haldir longed after, and not I? I do not know what to think..." It hurt even to say it, his voice broke slightly as he did so.
"Shhh, love, do not weep again, lest I start too," Tinendel murmured into his face, kissing more stray tears away. He trembled slightly, his pain and concern for Celeborn, and the intense emotional closeness they shared, caused the suppressed feelings for his old lover to wake again, and he feared the pain that inevitably would cause him. He had never stopped loving Celeborn, although he had left him at one point, because he could not resist his need for adventure - but in his heart he had wanted Celeborn to ask him to stay with him. His lover had not asked him that, and he had left for a while, intending to come back to him again - but when he did, the fair Galadriel had come to Doriath, and Celeborn's heart had been taken.
Letting his own eyes closed Celeborn finally nodded slightly, though the question had not been answered. He knew there was no good answer for it, knew he did not know what he would do were it to be shown impossible. Pushing the thought from his mind all together, it would not go away completely but as best he could. "Thank you my friend." Celeborn whispered, closing the distance between them to kiss Tinendel gently on the lips. "I know not what I would have done had you not been here." He ignored the fact that this would most likely not have happened if Tinendel had not been here.
Feeling Celeborn's lips on his own made Tinendel tremble, and he returned the kiss with passion, trying to ignore the nagging thought that he was just exploiting that Celeborn was emotionally unstable at the moment. //No, I am not using him. I love him.// There, now he had admitted to himself what he had not dared to admit before, although he would still not admit why he had come to Lorien this time, not even to himself. Raining butterfly kisses all over Celeborn's face he asked slowly; "Do you want me to talk to Haldir for you? Then you would not need to go."
It was a tempting though,t much more so than he cared to admit even to himself, but he simply caught Tinendel's eyes. That look nearly made him say yes, but he did not. "No, I must do it for myself. It would not help matters were you to go to him to try and talk to him." He said softly.
"Probably not," Tinendel admitted, nuzzling deep into Celeborn's hair. "I could sense his resentment - I think he hates me, and blames me for his own misery." At least it had seemed like misery when he had seen him in the doorway that morning, although he was growing more uncertain now, thinking about Celeborn's theory that he had loved Elrohir all along. "Perhaps... no it is nothing. Elrohir must not know."
"He will not, if we can keep him from knowing." Celeborn agreed quietly standing up, pulling away from Tinendel as he did so. Walking over to the window, with a sigh. "But it might not be possible to keep him from knowing all together..."
Tinendel rose too, coming over to stand beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder: "I promise I will try to shield him. But there might come a time when we will have to tell him. Please let me help you to sort this out." Leaning his head to Celeborn's shoulder, he stared out the window.
Celeborn simply nodded slightly with a sigh. "He will but we must wait and see, there is something around him, something that speaks of much sorrow." He replied, closing his eyes as he stared out into the forest not really seeing it.
"Yes, I noticed there is a grief in him. Perhaps it might have something to do with him coming here alone. He would not speak of it, though..." Tinendel agreed, stroking Celeborn's hair slowly.
"Aye I noticed." Celeborn replied leaning against Tinendel with a quiet sigh. "It seems that there is more sadness than there is joy at the moment." He was quiet for a time. "Perhaps you should speak to him, he might be more willing to speak to you where he would not to me."
"I think that goes for us all", Tinendel whispered, mostly to himself. "There is no real happiness in any of us..." Closing his eyes tight, he tried not to think of the memories that threatened to surface. Sighing, he turned to Celeborn, nuzzling into his hair: "I will try to speak with him, perhaps when he is coming here to dine tomorrow? He used to like talking to me when he was a child."
Celeborn gave his friend a quizzical look wondering what sorrow it was he spoke of that he had not before mentioned. He had not seen it in his eyes when he arrived, yet he wondered now if he had been too distracted by his own pain. Celeborn brought his hand up to brush Tinendel's cheek gently. "Thank you," he said quietly, again.
"You are welcome." //My love// Tinendel added silently to himself. He had nothing more to say, simply stood there feeling Celeborn close to him, leaning into his touch. Looking deep into the sky blue eyes of the silver-haired elf next to him, he finally let his emotions take over, and leaned over to kiss Celeborn tenderly on the lips, closing his eyes.
There was not much more to be said, it was understood between them - though perhaps not in the way Celeborn though it was. He did however return the kiss with tender passion, the way they had once kissed before. Only this time it would not lead to anything more.
