LORD AND GUARDIAN
Written by Jaya and Blue
Part 10 - Bittersweet remembrance
Celeborn had not wanted to think it, to accept the fact that it might be real, that what he had just seen could actually be happening, and yet now... How could he banish the picture of Haldir and Elrohir wrapped in each other's arms, bodies pressed together, blissfully asleep. //I was wrong.// The thought slipped through his mind glad when his feet found the ground, a hand on the tree keeping himself from falling - just barely. //How could I have been so wrong in what I saw? What I thought I saw...// His vision clouded slightly and he knew not where he was going, nor did he care to know. It did not matter right then, nothing mattered except that he loved and he had lost. Tears slipped down pale cheeks as he moved through the forest, silent, unseen and unseeing.
Tinendel had silently followed Celeborn when he had left his room after midnight. He knew that the Lord intended to visit Haldir, to talk with him or have some kind of confirmation of his suspicions - and Tinendel feared what the answer would be. He had analyzed it over and over in his mind, and being extremely receptive to others' feelings, thoughts and body language - bordering to mind reading when he could look into their eyes - he was pretty certain Celeborn would encounter a scenario he did not want to see. He had waited in the shadows watching him enter Haldir's talan, and knew at once what had happened when he saw him stumbling out again. Seeing Celeborn running into the woods, he swiftly followed, afraid of what would happen to him.
Celeborn managed to make it quite a ways without tripping, perhaps it was just luck or natural grace. But finally he tripped, sending himself sprawling silently onto the ground. He did not get up, instead it was easier to lie there, face pressed against the grass and leaves that littered the forest floor.
Seeing Celeborn fall made Tinendel rush to his side, kneeling beside him. "Oh, meleth-nin," he said tenderly, carefully turning him around and placing Celeborn's head up in his lap. Silvery hair covered his face, and Tinendel stroke it to the sides, cradling him gently.
Celeborn turned away from him, not wanting to see Tinendel, not wanting to see the knowledge written there on his face. He did not want to admit to being wrong, that... He did not say anything, curling up on his side once more, body shaking slightly with silent sobs.
Removing dry leaves from Celeborn's hair, trying to wipe dirt and moss from the wet face, Tinendel just cradled him tightly, rocking slightly back and forth with the lord of Lorien in his arms. "There, there, love," he whispered into the pointed ear beneath the silvery hair, nuzzling him gently.
"I was foolish to think that this could work." Celeborn sniffled quietly after a long few moments, still not looking at Tinendel. He felt drained in more than one way, not even knowing what to say to the one who had been his best friend for many years and in a lot of ways still was.
Still nuzzling Celeborn's ear and hair, Tinendel let him take his time. He could feel the pain radiating from his body, and his heart bled for him. //Oh, my love, how can I help you?// "Did they see you?" he asked slowly, trying to decide the best way to deal with this situation.
"They did not." Celeborn answered quietly, closing his eyes as he slowly tried to gather himself together again. He could not go on like this, not as he had been, not now. It would do himself and everyone else no good, for them he had to be strong. So Haldir loved another, then so be it; he had had his chance and he had let it pass him by.
Carefully stroking his hair, Tinendel gingerly tried to turn Celeborn a little to get a look into his eyes. He was still undecided how to deal with the situation, but he had a feeling it was not yet hopeless, and he needed to know how Celeborn really felt.//Is he shutting down?// "You should still talk to him," he finally suggested.
"There is no point in speaking with him now." Celeborn replied, sitting up, his back to Tinendel as he brushed his hair back away from his face. "What is there to say? He has made his choice - there is nothing more to be said. It is obvious that they are happy together. I would not jeopardize that..."
Finally starting to form a theory, Tinendel placed his hands firmly on Celeborn's shoulders, turning him around and looking deep into his sky blue eyes, still wet with tears. "Do you really believe that? I do not think it is that simple. How can you be so sure about what he thinks and feels when you never speak to him? Perhaps he is just seeking comfort - to get over you. Have you thought of that? You cannot let this misunderstanding between you continue."
"Does it truly matter now?" Celeborn pulled away from Tinendel. "It could not have been between us, you know full well the reaction of the people. Yes some will be accepting and others will not, you were there before." Celeborn caressed Tinendel's cheek gently. "It is better this way, no one else will be hurt least of all him."
Not liking this change in Celeborn, Tinendel tried to read his eyes again, but found that they were now closed to him. That alone gave him strong clues of what was going on inside the silver-haired elf. "You speak of hurting other people, but what about yourself? You have loved him for many, many years, and you have never cared about his station before. I do not believe you when you suddenly worry about the acceptance of others." Holding Celeborn's face with both hands, Tinendel stared intently into his eyes. "Do not shut me out, meleth-nin. How do 'you' feel? What is going on inside 'your' heart?"
Celeborn tried to pull away from Tinendel, emotions still too near the surface, too finely bound for them to not break free easily. How could he say that this did not hurt, that he had not cared for Haldir for so long only to find - now when he thought perhaps that longing was obtainable - that it would not be. "What does it matter what I feel, Tinendel? It has never truly mattered what I feel, but what is better for everyone else." He closed his eyes against Tinendel's searching gaze. "I cannot tell you that I do not love him, you know full well that I do." His voice shook slightly in the saying of it, and the knowledge that it was the truth. "What does it matter now? I can hardly go to him and say 'Haldir, long have I desired you with all my heart, body and soul. Forgive me for the misunderstandings that have come between us... I had though not to tell you but I must for my own sanity at least'." Celeborn shook his head slightly, eyes coming open again. "I could not do that to him, not now that he has found someone... someone else who can accept him."
Tinendel's gaze softened, and he stroke Celeborn's cheeks tenderly, wiping the last remnants of tears and dirt away from them. //How have I not longed for him to be free from this yearning, to perhaps turn to love me again. But I cannot - not this way.// For a moment he could not speak, simply embraced Celeborn, burying his face in his hair. //I love him more than life itself. I cannot watch him make the same mistake I made. He will regret it the rest of his life. Like I have.//
With a heavy sigh Tinendel caught his beloved's eyes again. "Love, you would sacrifice yourself for his happiness, I know that. That is how much you love him. But you saw his eyes clearly that fatal morning. You saw the hurt in him then, and I felt it today in the reception hall. He still has feelings for you, but he has been shutting them down, just like you are doing now. Did you not notice that second when he looked into your eyes? I saw him; he almost fell apart for a moment before he turned to ice again. He did not seem very happy"
"Just as I know how much it must hurt you to be here for me, to watch this..." Celeborn whispered, nothing hidden as he looked into Tinendel's dark blue eyes. "How much things have changed," he breathed, an almost lost look playing across his face as he leaned forward to brush his lips gently across Tinendel's. "We are all hypocrites, we tell each other to do what we our selves cannot - or could not - do when we had the chance." He laughed almost bitterly breaking Tinendel's gaze, pulling him into a hard embrace. "Mayhap he does still feel something for me, he will get over it and find another. Already he had turned his feelings towards Elrohir, that much was obvious even when we met earlier. You cannot tell me that you did not see that as well, Tinendel, for even I saw that... Neh my friend, it is better this way." Gently pulling away from him, an almost infinitely sad look on his face - he felt old in a way he had not felt before as he walked over to kneel beside the stream splashing the cold water across his face.
Tinendel had loved Celeborn all his life, and he had lost him because he had been a fool - how he had regretted his mistake. That time long ago in Doriath, when Tinendel had left him for adventures, he had intended to come back to his lover - but Celeborn had misunderstood, thinking he had left him forever, and so he had let Galadriel take Tinendel's place in his heart. When Tinendel returned it was too late - he had seen Celeborn happy with Galadriel and backed away - never telling him how much he still loved him, not wanting to disturb their happiness. Only much later had he understood that the love between Galadriel and Celeborn perhaps was not as strong as he had believed, but then it was too late. He had sacrificed his own happiness for that of his beloved, and he had never had the chance to rectify the misunderstanding.
Now Tinendel had a chance to turn Celeborn's love towards himself again, after all this time, and he had never wanted anything so strongly in his life - his heart cried out for him. But he could not do this at the expense of having his beloved making the same sacrifice he had made - over a misunderstanding. //I want you more than anything in this world my love, but I cannot take advantage of this situation. Oh, what will I do?//
As Celeborn turned his back on him to wash in the stream, Tinendel allowed his own walls to fall for a second. His heart was in agony, his mind in turmoil - for a second he almost lost his control as tears and pain erupted - with clenched teeth and fists he fought them back, turning his back on Celeborn.
Celeborn kneeled by the water for a time, eyes closed - just listening and being, never feeling. It hurt too much to feel anything more than what was around him sometimes, this was one of those times. Celeborn knew or suspected what troubled Tinendel, though he had never had the heart to face that in his friend - nor did he now have the heart to turn around. Celeborn knew it would be too easy to simply stand up and walk into those arms - to loose himself in his friend and to take up what they once had and say that he loved him. In many ways he still did, yet he loved Haldir too. Celeborn wondered if it was possible to truly love two people at the same time. Slowly running a wet hand through his hair, Celeborn looked up at the stars in the sky above, wishing they could give him the answers to his questions - even though he knew they would not.
//Do I always fix my eyes on what I think I cannot have because I cannot have it? Or do I simply take what I can have when it is available, because I think what I want is not and never will be? Is that why what was between Galadriel and I did not last? If I were to do as you long for, Tinendel, would it last or would I only hurt you more? I know for a long time I have loved Haldir, yet is this love true... Or is it merely because I can not have him that I love him, and once I do have him, if it were possible, would this feeling fade as it did with Galadriel?// Celeborn knelt lost in thought, not knowing any more which way to turn or where to look for the answers.
Finally Celeborn turned to look at Tinendel, who's back was still to him and it almost broke his heart as much as seeing Haldir with Elrohir had. He cared deeply for his friend, and yet he knew that no matter what he did it was going to hurt one of them, he could not please everyone no matter how much he wanted to. //Why did things have to turn out like this?// He thought bitterly, hand coming up to brush new tears away from his cheeks, searching for answers when he knew he would get none. Standing up Celeborn walked over to slide his arms around his friend, pulling Tinendel back against himself. "Forgive me." He whispered softly, chin resting on Tinendel's shoulder.
Tinendel turned slowly, unable to hide the pained expression still in his face. Seeing new tears on Celeborn's cheeks almost crumbled what control he had left, and he could not stop tears from rising in his own eyes. Not wanting to cause his beloved more pain by letting him see his own, he hugged Celeborn tightly, hiding his face in his hair. "Forgive you for what, melethron? For making the same mistake I made? I will not allow you to," he breathed.
"It was not only your mistake but my own for taking the easy way out," Celeborn replied, hand coming up to gently run through Tinendel's silky, dark hair. "Ah, it would be so easy now to simply loose myself in you, I know you would have it, though you would not invite it..." Gently he tilted Tinendel's face up, his own feelings too open on his features for his own tastes, lips only a few inches away from Tinendel's. "Would you even have me now, if I were to turn away from him all together and embrace you?" He whispered in an almost inaudible voice.
Seeing Celeborn's feelings so openly displayed on his face, all his pain and tears revealed, and his eyes open to the depth of his soul - Tinendel knew his own face and eyes were just as open. They read each other's innermost feelings in that moment. Overwhelmed by the surge of it, he closed his eyes, tears slipping out from under dark lashes, trembling visibly from his inner fight to kiss those beloved lips and say yes, yes! Not able to maintain control any longer, he captured Celeborn's lips with his own, tenderly at first, then passionately as his heart swelled in him, clinging to Celeborn like he was drowning. After a few moments he tore himself away, pressed his face down in his beloved's shoulder, and fought for control, breath hitching. Finally he whispered: "Would I have you, my love? I love you more than life itself, I always have. What you ask of me is unbearable - I want you with all my heart, I would wish nothing more. But I will not claim your heart because I know you love Haldir more, and you would regret for the rest of your life if you gave him up for me." Almost inaudible he added with the last of his breath: "Do not ask this of me, meleth-nin. I would die for you - if that could make you happy with the one you truly love."
He had not been going to break his word that he would not have another if he could not have Haldir. He had promised it to himself when Galadriel had left, yet now... Celeborn was tempted to break his word to himself to pull Tinendel closer, to kiss him and tell him all would be alright - that he would not leave again. He could do that - could take Tinendel - let Haldir be happy with Elrohir and give his friend what he needed, but even as he thought it Tinendel's own words came back to him. Celeborn sighed softly, brushing his lips gently against Tinendel's. "Stay with me tonight, and let me hold you one last time as I did before." he whispered quietly. "Let me be the one to kiss away your tears this time... If you will not let me turn away from him, at least let me do this thing for you, will you not?"
Tinendel slowly raised his head and gazed at Celeborn, trying to comprehend what he read in his eyes, finally nodding quietly. "Yes, I will, my love. But will you promise me then, that you will never give him up? You both love each other, you belong together. Will you let me give you this last gift in return - to help you get back the one you long for - before I leave you? Oh, my love..." His voice failed him, and he pressed his face to Celeborn's shoulder, body trembling from withheld emotion.
"I do not know if I can face him again..." Celeborn admitted quietly, closing his eyes against the new tears that wanted to come. Torn between his feelings for Haldir and those for Tinendel - the knowledge of what it must have been like before and even now for his friend dawned in him.
Holding Celeborn tight, eyes shut close, still fighting his emotions, Tinendel stroke the silvery hair over and over, contemplating what to say. Without lifting his head from his friend's shoulder, he finally suggested: "Let them have a day to themselves to sort things out, and ask Elrohir to come for dinner the day after tomorrow. After dinner, I will talk to him, trying both to find out the reason for his grief, and the depth of his relationship with Haldir. There might be a connection there, and we do not know how it really is between them. I suspect Haldir may just be seeking comfort where it is available, but we do not yet know Elrohir's motives. Perhaps if we knew, we would know if anything might change between them."
"Aye perhaps that would be better..." Celeborn agreed quietly, "Will you stay with me till them?" He stared into the dark shadows of the night that played around them, saying nothing for a time. "Perhaps they seek comfort in each other, but what if it is not so?" Celeborn could not help but ask the question, it had to be said.
"That is a decision you must make yourself, when your heart finally knows what it truly wants," Tinendel whispered in his ear, "but I will stay with you for as long as you need me, melethron." He slowly lifted his head and gazed into Celeborn's eyes with an infinitely tender look, butting their noses lovingly together, then he brought his lips to Celeborn's, gently nipping at the soft lips, then graduately capturing them fully and passionately, pouring all his feelings into the deep kiss, loosing himself in his beloved.
"I am sorry, melethron..." Celeborn replied as the kiss ended, forehead still pressed gently against Tinendel's. "I am sorry I cannot be what you want... what you need..." His arms tightened gently around his friend's body pulling them closer. He vowed then that if things did not work with Haldir, he would do his best to be whatever Tinendel needed - what he wanted - the one he loved and to love him back. Pushing the thought from his mind, Celeborn kissed him again gently and lovingly. If this was to be Haldir and Elrohir's time, then it would be their time as well...
Enjoying Celeborn's kiss, Tinendel closed his eyes, just feeling - eyes moistening again. "I know you cannot, but let us share this night as a last gift to each other - to keep as a remembrance of what we once were and could have been." he murmured into the sweet lips, not wanting to move, snuggling into his arms. After a while, he shivered in the cool night air, and gently folded an arm around Celeborn's shoulder. "It is getting cold, love. Perhaps we should go back inside?"
Taking a slow deep breath trying to take control of the turmoil in his soul once more, Celeborn's arm settled around Tinendel's shoulders in return. "Aye, we should do that..." He agreed softly pressing a loving kiss to Tinendel's cheek before leading the way slowly back through the forest towards the city. Celeborn was not sure what was going to happen, or exactly what he was going to do. It hurt too much to think about it right then, so he let himself be content in comforting Tinendel, finding it easier to focus on someone else's hurt, someone else's need than his own. Yet despite his promise to himself, he would give his friend what he wanted - what they both wanted - for Celeborn could not say in all honesty that he did not want to share this last night with his friend. With the one he had once loved more than any other - it was almost funny how things could change.
Nothing more was said as they entered the city and climbed the stairs to the large talan. Tinendel let himself be lead to Celeborn's lonely bedroom - Galadriel was as usual nowhere to be seen. Once inside, they stopped and embraced, still not speaking. Tinendel felt both happy and sad - happy because he had longed to hold Celeborn for so incredibly long - ever since their youth in the forest realm of Doriath, before the world changed, before the young Noldo Galadriel had arrived... Sad because he knew this would be the last time they would ever share a night of love - it would be a closure for all that had been between them - a jewel to treasure in their memories, allowing them both to move on - Celeborn to concentrate on his love Haldir - Tinendel to leave Celeborn and try to find happiness elsewhere.
Celeborn did nothing for a time, simply studying the tall, dark-haired beautiful elf in the silver shadows that danced around the room through the large windows and laced curtains. Hiding and yet showing all that there was from inside but hiding from the outside. Gently Celeborn pulled Tinendel into his arms, kissing him lovingly upon the lips. Much that had once been had changed between them and yet at the same time there was much that had been and always would be the same. Some things that are known can never be forgotten and that goes doubly so for elves as they cannot forget even if they might wish. "I would that you were happy..." Celeborn said quietly after a time, his hands traveling along Tinendel's back.
"So wish I that you were, meleth-nin," Tinendel mumbled in his ear, relishing in the loving touches so long missed, yet so familiar. "I promise to do anything I can to help you resolve the misunderstanding with Haldir, and get him back to you - if it can be done. Let that be my last gift to you before I leave you," he sighed, unable to keep his hands off Celeborn, caressing his hair and face tenderly, nipping at his lips.
"And what would I give you, for it seems I have given you nothing but pain with no remedy..." Celeborn's fingers came up to caress Tinendel's face gently, looking into his dark blue eyes. "I..." He could say nothing to the rest of it - Tinendel knew and had seen the pain and the loss in his eyes, knew for himself how it felt. But he did not voice his vow, it would be wrong to bring hope when there might not be any. "Enough talk of Haldir, and of many things... tonight there is no Haldir, tonight there are only you and I..." Celeborn said gently, carefully locking Haldir away in the back of his mind, though he could not do so completely. For the fair-haired elf was in some way or another always in his mind, in his heart, and in his thoughts...
"I will treasure this night forever, meleth-nin. Some pain is inevitable no matter what we choose - this is truly a great gift - it will help us to move on." Tinendel knew that Celeborn now recognized how it had always been for him - and hoped that the lord of Lorien would choose not to go down the same path Tinendel had chosen. Holding him tight, bestowing feather light kisses upon the pale face shimmering in the moonlight, he whispered into the soft skin: "I hope I can bring you some comfort too, my love... I am so glad you will share this night with me."
"You bring comfort to me by simply being here and you always have." Celeborn replied gently, eyes half closed as Tinendel's lips brushed across his face. His hands sliding down from Tinendel's face to his shoulders, brushing gently against the smooth skin visible along the neckline of his tunic. Celeborn's hands slid lower to his friend's waist and beneath the fabric of his clothing resting gently against his skin. "I have no words to say just how much you have done for me in the past and in the present..."
Tinendel's breath hitched as he felt the warm touches he had yearned for, his skin tingled, making him flushed. Relishing the sensations coursing through him, his lips moved slowly along Celeborn's yaw line, tracing his tongue along the earlobe and up to the delicate pointed tip, tasting it, blowing gently on it, treating it the way he still remembered would undo Celeborn. "Oh, melethron, I have no words for what you are doing to me in the present..." he breathed into the delicious ear, before continuing his ministrations.
Celeborn chuckled huskily, tilting his head to the side, breath hitching softly in his chest as Tinendel continued to tease his ears. Slowly he began moving the two of them towards the bed, unsure how much longer he could stay on his feet like this. "And you still know how to drive me crazy..." Celeborn murmured softly, pushing Tinendel's tunic up as his hands ran gently along his skin.
"Ah, so do you, my love," Tinendel gasped as Celeborn's roaming hands brushed his nipples. Shifting a little to allow his beloved to slide his tunic down his shoulders and drop it to the floor, he deftly opened the front of Celeborn's tunic and pushed it aside. In awe, he stared for a moment at the pale firm chest memorizing every inch of it, then he gently run his hands along the skin, savouring the feel of it, fingers coming to rest at the pink nipples raising from the skin to meet his touch.
Brushing fingers gently across new scars pale in the moonlight, Celeborn wondered just how far his friend had gone while he had been away, wondered at all that he had seen. Part of him wished that he could have been there with him, that things had never changed between them. But they had, and there was nothing to be done for it now, and they could no sooner go back to who they were then, than they could to what they once had been. //But we can have now...// Celeborn turned to catch Tinendel's lips gently with his own, pressing a loving and passionate kiss to them.
Closing his eyes, Tinendel lost himself in the passionate kiss, feeling his body awakening, sending warm waves all over him. After all these years his body still instinctively remembered how to respond to every of Celeborn's touches, and knew how his old lover would respond to any of his. His heart swelled in him, rekindling all those old, suppressed feelings he had for this wonderful elf in his arms. Silently he pushed Celeborn's tunic down his shoulders and to the floor, and continued to remove the rest of his clothes as they stopped next to the bed.
Celeborn slowly run his fingers down along Tinendel's body, touching skin gently, lovingly. It was like they had gone back in time, only different - a soft sigh escaped Celeborn's lips as his fingers came to rest on the waist band of his old lover's leggings, loosening it. "Ah..." he whispered softly, as the last vestige of clothing slipped away to the floor. Celeborn gently pulled Tinendel against himself, letting both of them fall back onto the bed with Tinendel on top, his eyes full of tender love.
Infinitely tenderly they made love - over and over - in bittersweet remembrance. Every time they lay limp beside each other, their hands and lips began wandering anew - hungry to rediscover everything that once had been between them. They relished in the remembrance of all the ancient sensations, every touch, every emotion reawakened to be experienced anew, loosing themselves in each other's bodies. Lingering, tender loving alternated with hot passion - often with laughter, a few times with tears. Utilizing every shred of their elven endurance, they took care to enjoy this their last night together to the fullest, creating of it a precious jewel, forever to be treasured in their hearts. Finally, sated in every way and utterly exhausted, they found themselves laying in each others arms, their eyes locked in a loving gaze, drinking the sight of each other in their current state, memorizing every detail of the other.
Nothing was said for a long few moments as they simply lay there once more lost in each other's embrace. Finally Celeborn sighed softly, brushing a tender kiss across Tinendel's lips. "I am glad we had this chance...." He whispered quietly, sincerely. "I am glad my friend." He pressed his lips gently to Tinendel's forehead this time.
Tinendel closed his eyes as Celeborn kissed him, enjoying the attention his lover had lavished on him, feeling extremely happy to have been given a night like this after having pined for him for so long. He had been in a state of pure bliss for hours, the very feeling of finally being granted his highest wish was so overwhelming - but slowly the unwelcome reality started slipping back, little by little, reminding him that this would not last beyond this night. They would go back to their previous positions - Celeborn wanting Haldir - and Tinendel the faithful friend helping and supporting him in obtaining that goal. Not wanting to let reality back in just yet, he snuggled tightly into his beloveds face and sighed contently. "Yes, my love. I am so very grateful we shared this night. I will treasure it in my heart forever."
"You should find something else to treasure in your heart forever...." Celeborn said quietly, he had not missed the look in Tinendel's eyes and knew reality had come back to him once more. He tightened his arms around his friend whishing that he could hold it at bay at least for a little while longer. "...You deserve something better than that." //Than me... I was not good enough for you, I would have waited if I had been good enough, but I turned away from you more than once and now I cannot go back again...//
Sensing the uneasiness in Celeborn's voice, Tinendel frowned a little, gazing at him. "I could never have anything better than what you have given me this night - I have always loved you so dearly - this is more than I have ever dared to dream of. If you knew how many times I have regretted bitterly that I left you back then - I hoped you would ask me to stay, but you did not - and I believed it was because you did not want me to. I was such a fool to ever leave you!" Suddenly filled with emotions, he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Celeborn's.
"I was the fool to let you go..." Celeborn replied simply. Though they had both had their own reasons for what they had done, it was as simple as that. There was nothing they could do now to change things. Perhaps there was a reason that things had turned out as they had, he did not know what it was but he hoped that there was. "...Even though I can not give you what you want and need?" He asked softly, gently tilting Tinendel's chin up so that he could peer into his old lover's eyes. "And do not tell me that I can because I cannot - you have already told me so yourself..."
Clinging to Celeborn, not wanting to look in those beautiful blue eyes he loved so dearly, Tinendel slowly answered: "I know where your heart lies, you cannot change that even if you want to. I know you want to be good to me by sacrificing your own need, but I will not let you do that. It is enough that one of us made the wrong choice - oh, my dearest beloved, I could not take advantage of your broken heart! You have given me all you can give me tonight, and I will treasure this jewel in my heart, whether you want me to or not..." Voice failing, he pressed his face down in the pillow.
Celeborn could not speak for a moment, instead he pulled Tinendel closer hearing the sorrow in his voice. "We both errored in the past." He finally managed, biting his lower lip for a moment. "It was not just you love, it was I as well..." His own voice fell silent, unable to continue, as he pressed his forehead against Tinendel's head. He felt the full weight of the whole situation coming crashing down, the need, the worry, and the pain, but not only for Haldir - for Tinendel's happiness as well. "Ahh... is there no way that we can all be happy in this?"
Hearing Celeborn's desperate plea, Tinendel finally lifted his head a little to face him with moist eyes. "I am still a fool, meleth-nin, for letting you feel my pain. It was your heart that was broken tonight, not mine - my sorrow is old. I am so sorry my love, instead of easing your pain, I have given you another. If it is at all possible, I will bring Haldir back to you, to make you both happy." Placing a tender kiss to Celeborn's lips, he whispered almost inaudible: "Then I must leave you - I will not give you the burden of seeing me every day, disturbing your happiness, knowing... " Fighting his emotions, he closed his eyes, causing a single tear to run down his cheek, voice trembling slightly. "Do not worry about me, I will find someone. I always do..."
"Tinendel..." Celeborn whispered turning Tinendel's head towards him. "Tinendel, you can not tell me not to worry for you, for I will worry no matter where you go...." His lips kissed away the tear, his own voice none to steady as he spoke. "You are not a fool for wanting another to share your pain, for I have done the same to you already... ever since you came back by my own words and actions. We need another to speak of our pain and our tears to, to make it easier by sharing so that we can help, only..." He stopped, blinking back tears as he looked away from Tinendel. //I cannot help you...// though he wanted desperately to. "It would not be a burden to see you every day, do not ever think or say that. If you feel you need to leave I will understand why you do so, but do not do it for that reason.... please."
Not able to hide his agony, Tinendel stared at him with a distorted face, new tears welling up. "You will always be my dearest friend and my first and greatest love... but it would be like seeing you with young Galadriel all over again. I cannot... Oh, what do you want me to do?" Desperate, he hid his face in his hands, shoulders shaking slightly.
"I want you to be happy...." Celeborn whispered drawing Tinendel close. "If leaving here is happy - but do not do it because you think that my seeing you will make me unhappy... I will worry for you yes, but I would do that were you here or not..." His voice broke as he held Tinendel closer. "I do not know how to help you my friend.... Aye but I wish that I could..."
Brokenly, Tinendel mumbled: "You have helped me by giving me this night... that is all you can do..." Sniffling, he shifted to press his wet face into Celeborn's neck. "Just hold me... for the rest of this night... like we once were... like we have been now... oh, meleth-nin..." His breath hitched, and he could say no more.
"I will be here when you wake..." was the reply he had, Celeborn shifted pulling him closer. He loosed him only long enough to pull a light blanket up around their bodies. "If there is ever more I can do, melethin-nin, you have only to ask, remember that I will do whatever I can for you...." He blinked back tears. //For both of you...//
Weeping silently, Tinendel closed his arms tightly around Celeborn and nuzzled deep into the curve between his shoulder and neck, brushing his skin lightly with shivering lips. //I will do what I can to secure your happiness, my love... as I always have... oh, my love, if you only knew what sacrifices I make for you!//
//Haldir... Tinendel... Why must I choose between them? If only I could make both of them happy....// Celeborn's thoughts wandered as sleep slowly began to settle in. //And if Haldir does not want me? Then at least I can make things right here. I could not forget all, forget neither the feeling nor the longing, but I could be... Ahh... Why must things be like this? I pray that you forget me and find someone who can please you, for I know I have brought only sadness when it comes down to it.// Celeborn closed his eyes against new tears. //Haldir...// The hard coldness in his voice in the hall, the look in his eyes as he had run away flashed through Celeborn's mind, he shivered slightly clutching Tinendel tighter, trying to bring the better images to mind. Yet it was not just Haldir that came to mind -it was times before that as well.
Exhausted from both emotion and bodily pleasures, Tinendel finally felt himself drifting into dreams. Slowly forgetting his saddened state, the dreams reminded him of the happiness he had shared with Celeborn this night, and blissfully he sighed and cuddled up against him as sleep engulfed him.
Celeborn's thoughts haunted him for a while longer before blissful dreams set in, dragging him down into their warm embrace like the comforting arms of Tinendel still around him. Forgetting for a while longer his own sorrows and worries, lost in happier dreams, dreams of other times and places; not all of which were real.
Written by Jaya and Blue
Part 10 - Bittersweet remembrance
Celeborn had not wanted to think it, to accept the fact that it might be real, that what he had just seen could actually be happening, and yet now... How could he banish the picture of Haldir and Elrohir wrapped in each other's arms, bodies pressed together, blissfully asleep. //I was wrong.// The thought slipped through his mind glad when his feet found the ground, a hand on the tree keeping himself from falling - just barely. //How could I have been so wrong in what I saw? What I thought I saw...// His vision clouded slightly and he knew not where he was going, nor did he care to know. It did not matter right then, nothing mattered except that he loved and he had lost. Tears slipped down pale cheeks as he moved through the forest, silent, unseen and unseeing.
Tinendel had silently followed Celeborn when he had left his room after midnight. He knew that the Lord intended to visit Haldir, to talk with him or have some kind of confirmation of his suspicions - and Tinendel feared what the answer would be. He had analyzed it over and over in his mind, and being extremely receptive to others' feelings, thoughts and body language - bordering to mind reading when he could look into their eyes - he was pretty certain Celeborn would encounter a scenario he did not want to see. He had waited in the shadows watching him enter Haldir's talan, and knew at once what had happened when he saw him stumbling out again. Seeing Celeborn running into the woods, he swiftly followed, afraid of what would happen to him.
Celeborn managed to make it quite a ways without tripping, perhaps it was just luck or natural grace. But finally he tripped, sending himself sprawling silently onto the ground. He did not get up, instead it was easier to lie there, face pressed against the grass and leaves that littered the forest floor.
Seeing Celeborn fall made Tinendel rush to his side, kneeling beside him. "Oh, meleth-nin," he said tenderly, carefully turning him around and placing Celeborn's head up in his lap. Silvery hair covered his face, and Tinendel stroke it to the sides, cradling him gently.
Celeborn turned away from him, not wanting to see Tinendel, not wanting to see the knowledge written there on his face. He did not want to admit to being wrong, that... He did not say anything, curling up on his side once more, body shaking slightly with silent sobs.
Removing dry leaves from Celeborn's hair, trying to wipe dirt and moss from the wet face, Tinendel just cradled him tightly, rocking slightly back and forth with the lord of Lorien in his arms. "There, there, love," he whispered into the pointed ear beneath the silvery hair, nuzzling him gently.
"I was foolish to think that this could work." Celeborn sniffled quietly after a long few moments, still not looking at Tinendel. He felt drained in more than one way, not even knowing what to say to the one who had been his best friend for many years and in a lot of ways still was.
Still nuzzling Celeborn's ear and hair, Tinendel let him take his time. He could feel the pain radiating from his body, and his heart bled for him. //Oh, my love, how can I help you?// "Did they see you?" he asked slowly, trying to decide the best way to deal with this situation.
"They did not." Celeborn answered quietly, closing his eyes as he slowly tried to gather himself together again. He could not go on like this, not as he had been, not now. It would do himself and everyone else no good, for them he had to be strong. So Haldir loved another, then so be it; he had had his chance and he had let it pass him by.
Carefully stroking his hair, Tinendel gingerly tried to turn Celeborn a little to get a look into his eyes. He was still undecided how to deal with the situation, but he had a feeling it was not yet hopeless, and he needed to know how Celeborn really felt.//Is he shutting down?// "You should still talk to him," he finally suggested.
"There is no point in speaking with him now." Celeborn replied, sitting up, his back to Tinendel as he brushed his hair back away from his face. "What is there to say? He has made his choice - there is nothing more to be said. It is obvious that they are happy together. I would not jeopardize that..."
Finally starting to form a theory, Tinendel placed his hands firmly on Celeborn's shoulders, turning him around and looking deep into his sky blue eyes, still wet with tears. "Do you really believe that? I do not think it is that simple. How can you be so sure about what he thinks and feels when you never speak to him? Perhaps he is just seeking comfort - to get over you. Have you thought of that? You cannot let this misunderstanding between you continue."
"Does it truly matter now?" Celeborn pulled away from Tinendel. "It could not have been between us, you know full well the reaction of the people. Yes some will be accepting and others will not, you were there before." Celeborn caressed Tinendel's cheek gently. "It is better this way, no one else will be hurt least of all him."
Not liking this change in Celeborn, Tinendel tried to read his eyes again, but found that they were now closed to him. That alone gave him strong clues of what was going on inside the silver-haired elf. "You speak of hurting other people, but what about yourself? You have loved him for many, many years, and you have never cared about his station before. I do not believe you when you suddenly worry about the acceptance of others." Holding Celeborn's face with both hands, Tinendel stared intently into his eyes. "Do not shut me out, meleth-nin. How do 'you' feel? What is going on inside 'your' heart?"
Celeborn tried to pull away from Tinendel, emotions still too near the surface, too finely bound for them to not break free easily. How could he say that this did not hurt, that he had not cared for Haldir for so long only to find - now when he thought perhaps that longing was obtainable - that it would not be. "What does it matter what I feel, Tinendel? It has never truly mattered what I feel, but what is better for everyone else." He closed his eyes against Tinendel's searching gaze. "I cannot tell you that I do not love him, you know full well that I do." His voice shook slightly in the saying of it, and the knowledge that it was the truth. "What does it matter now? I can hardly go to him and say 'Haldir, long have I desired you with all my heart, body and soul. Forgive me for the misunderstandings that have come between us... I had though not to tell you but I must for my own sanity at least'." Celeborn shook his head slightly, eyes coming open again. "I could not do that to him, not now that he has found someone... someone else who can accept him."
Tinendel's gaze softened, and he stroke Celeborn's cheeks tenderly, wiping the last remnants of tears and dirt away from them. //How have I not longed for him to be free from this yearning, to perhaps turn to love me again. But I cannot - not this way.// For a moment he could not speak, simply embraced Celeborn, burying his face in his hair. //I love him more than life itself. I cannot watch him make the same mistake I made. He will regret it the rest of his life. Like I have.//
With a heavy sigh Tinendel caught his beloved's eyes again. "Love, you would sacrifice yourself for his happiness, I know that. That is how much you love him. But you saw his eyes clearly that fatal morning. You saw the hurt in him then, and I felt it today in the reception hall. He still has feelings for you, but he has been shutting them down, just like you are doing now. Did you not notice that second when he looked into your eyes? I saw him; he almost fell apart for a moment before he turned to ice again. He did not seem very happy"
"Just as I know how much it must hurt you to be here for me, to watch this..." Celeborn whispered, nothing hidden as he looked into Tinendel's dark blue eyes. "How much things have changed," he breathed, an almost lost look playing across his face as he leaned forward to brush his lips gently across Tinendel's. "We are all hypocrites, we tell each other to do what we our selves cannot - or could not - do when we had the chance." He laughed almost bitterly breaking Tinendel's gaze, pulling him into a hard embrace. "Mayhap he does still feel something for me, he will get over it and find another. Already he had turned his feelings towards Elrohir, that much was obvious even when we met earlier. You cannot tell me that you did not see that as well, Tinendel, for even I saw that... Neh my friend, it is better this way." Gently pulling away from him, an almost infinitely sad look on his face - he felt old in a way he had not felt before as he walked over to kneel beside the stream splashing the cold water across his face.
Tinendel had loved Celeborn all his life, and he had lost him because he had been a fool - how he had regretted his mistake. That time long ago in Doriath, when Tinendel had left him for adventures, he had intended to come back to his lover - but Celeborn had misunderstood, thinking he had left him forever, and so he had let Galadriel take Tinendel's place in his heart. When Tinendel returned it was too late - he had seen Celeborn happy with Galadriel and backed away - never telling him how much he still loved him, not wanting to disturb their happiness. Only much later had he understood that the love between Galadriel and Celeborn perhaps was not as strong as he had believed, but then it was too late. He had sacrificed his own happiness for that of his beloved, and he had never had the chance to rectify the misunderstanding.
Now Tinendel had a chance to turn Celeborn's love towards himself again, after all this time, and he had never wanted anything so strongly in his life - his heart cried out for him. But he could not do this at the expense of having his beloved making the same sacrifice he had made - over a misunderstanding. //I want you more than anything in this world my love, but I cannot take advantage of this situation. Oh, what will I do?//
As Celeborn turned his back on him to wash in the stream, Tinendel allowed his own walls to fall for a second. His heart was in agony, his mind in turmoil - for a second he almost lost his control as tears and pain erupted - with clenched teeth and fists he fought them back, turning his back on Celeborn.
Celeborn kneeled by the water for a time, eyes closed - just listening and being, never feeling. It hurt too much to feel anything more than what was around him sometimes, this was one of those times. Celeborn knew or suspected what troubled Tinendel, though he had never had the heart to face that in his friend - nor did he now have the heart to turn around. Celeborn knew it would be too easy to simply stand up and walk into those arms - to loose himself in his friend and to take up what they once had and say that he loved him. In many ways he still did, yet he loved Haldir too. Celeborn wondered if it was possible to truly love two people at the same time. Slowly running a wet hand through his hair, Celeborn looked up at the stars in the sky above, wishing they could give him the answers to his questions - even though he knew they would not.
//Do I always fix my eyes on what I think I cannot have because I cannot have it? Or do I simply take what I can have when it is available, because I think what I want is not and never will be? Is that why what was between Galadriel and I did not last? If I were to do as you long for, Tinendel, would it last or would I only hurt you more? I know for a long time I have loved Haldir, yet is this love true... Or is it merely because I can not have him that I love him, and once I do have him, if it were possible, would this feeling fade as it did with Galadriel?// Celeborn knelt lost in thought, not knowing any more which way to turn or where to look for the answers.
Finally Celeborn turned to look at Tinendel, who's back was still to him and it almost broke his heart as much as seeing Haldir with Elrohir had. He cared deeply for his friend, and yet he knew that no matter what he did it was going to hurt one of them, he could not please everyone no matter how much he wanted to. //Why did things have to turn out like this?// He thought bitterly, hand coming up to brush new tears away from his cheeks, searching for answers when he knew he would get none. Standing up Celeborn walked over to slide his arms around his friend, pulling Tinendel back against himself. "Forgive me." He whispered softly, chin resting on Tinendel's shoulder.
Tinendel turned slowly, unable to hide the pained expression still in his face. Seeing new tears on Celeborn's cheeks almost crumbled what control he had left, and he could not stop tears from rising in his own eyes. Not wanting to cause his beloved more pain by letting him see his own, he hugged Celeborn tightly, hiding his face in his hair. "Forgive you for what, melethron? For making the same mistake I made? I will not allow you to," he breathed.
"It was not only your mistake but my own for taking the easy way out," Celeborn replied, hand coming up to gently run through Tinendel's silky, dark hair. "Ah, it would be so easy now to simply loose myself in you, I know you would have it, though you would not invite it..." Gently he tilted Tinendel's face up, his own feelings too open on his features for his own tastes, lips only a few inches away from Tinendel's. "Would you even have me now, if I were to turn away from him all together and embrace you?" He whispered in an almost inaudible voice.
Seeing Celeborn's feelings so openly displayed on his face, all his pain and tears revealed, and his eyes open to the depth of his soul - Tinendel knew his own face and eyes were just as open. They read each other's innermost feelings in that moment. Overwhelmed by the surge of it, he closed his eyes, tears slipping out from under dark lashes, trembling visibly from his inner fight to kiss those beloved lips and say yes, yes! Not able to maintain control any longer, he captured Celeborn's lips with his own, tenderly at first, then passionately as his heart swelled in him, clinging to Celeborn like he was drowning. After a few moments he tore himself away, pressed his face down in his beloved's shoulder, and fought for control, breath hitching. Finally he whispered: "Would I have you, my love? I love you more than life itself, I always have. What you ask of me is unbearable - I want you with all my heart, I would wish nothing more. But I will not claim your heart because I know you love Haldir more, and you would regret for the rest of your life if you gave him up for me." Almost inaudible he added with the last of his breath: "Do not ask this of me, meleth-nin. I would die for you - if that could make you happy with the one you truly love."
He had not been going to break his word that he would not have another if he could not have Haldir. He had promised it to himself when Galadriel had left, yet now... Celeborn was tempted to break his word to himself to pull Tinendel closer, to kiss him and tell him all would be alright - that he would not leave again. He could do that - could take Tinendel - let Haldir be happy with Elrohir and give his friend what he needed, but even as he thought it Tinendel's own words came back to him. Celeborn sighed softly, brushing his lips gently against Tinendel's. "Stay with me tonight, and let me hold you one last time as I did before." he whispered quietly. "Let me be the one to kiss away your tears this time... If you will not let me turn away from him, at least let me do this thing for you, will you not?"
Tinendel slowly raised his head and gazed at Celeborn, trying to comprehend what he read in his eyes, finally nodding quietly. "Yes, I will, my love. But will you promise me then, that you will never give him up? You both love each other, you belong together. Will you let me give you this last gift in return - to help you get back the one you long for - before I leave you? Oh, my love..." His voice failed him, and he pressed his face to Celeborn's shoulder, body trembling from withheld emotion.
"I do not know if I can face him again..." Celeborn admitted quietly, closing his eyes against the new tears that wanted to come. Torn between his feelings for Haldir and those for Tinendel - the knowledge of what it must have been like before and even now for his friend dawned in him.
Holding Celeborn tight, eyes shut close, still fighting his emotions, Tinendel stroke the silvery hair over and over, contemplating what to say. Without lifting his head from his friend's shoulder, he finally suggested: "Let them have a day to themselves to sort things out, and ask Elrohir to come for dinner the day after tomorrow. After dinner, I will talk to him, trying both to find out the reason for his grief, and the depth of his relationship with Haldir. There might be a connection there, and we do not know how it really is between them. I suspect Haldir may just be seeking comfort where it is available, but we do not yet know Elrohir's motives. Perhaps if we knew, we would know if anything might change between them."
"Aye perhaps that would be better..." Celeborn agreed quietly, "Will you stay with me till them?" He stared into the dark shadows of the night that played around them, saying nothing for a time. "Perhaps they seek comfort in each other, but what if it is not so?" Celeborn could not help but ask the question, it had to be said.
"That is a decision you must make yourself, when your heart finally knows what it truly wants," Tinendel whispered in his ear, "but I will stay with you for as long as you need me, melethron." He slowly lifted his head and gazed into Celeborn's eyes with an infinitely tender look, butting their noses lovingly together, then he brought his lips to Celeborn's, gently nipping at the soft lips, then graduately capturing them fully and passionately, pouring all his feelings into the deep kiss, loosing himself in his beloved.
"I am sorry, melethron..." Celeborn replied as the kiss ended, forehead still pressed gently against Tinendel's. "I am sorry I cannot be what you want... what you need..." His arms tightened gently around his friend's body pulling them closer. He vowed then that if things did not work with Haldir, he would do his best to be whatever Tinendel needed - what he wanted - the one he loved and to love him back. Pushing the thought from his mind, Celeborn kissed him again gently and lovingly. If this was to be Haldir and Elrohir's time, then it would be their time as well...
Enjoying Celeborn's kiss, Tinendel closed his eyes, just feeling - eyes moistening again. "I know you cannot, but let us share this night as a last gift to each other - to keep as a remembrance of what we once were and could have been." he murmured into the sweet lips, not wanting to move, snuggling into his arms. After a while, he shivered in the cool night air, and gently folded an arm around Celeborn's shoulder. "It is getting cold, love. Perhaps we should go back inside?"
Taking a slow deep breath trying to take control of the turmoil in his soul once more, Celeborn's arm settled around Tinendel's shoulders in return. "Aye, we should do that..." He agreed softly pressing a loving kiss to Tinendel's cheek before leading the way slowly back through the forest towards the city. Celeborn was not sure what was going to happen, or exactly what he was going to do. It hurt too much to think about it right then, so he let himself be content in comforting Tinendel, finding it easier to focus on someone else's hurt, someone else's need than his own. Yet despite his promise to himself, he would give his friend what he wanted - what they both wanted - for Celeborn could not say in all honesty that he did not want to share this last night with his friend. With the one he had once loved more than any other - it was almost funny how things could change.
Nothing more was said as they entered the city and climbed the stairs to the large talan. Tinendel let himself be lead to Celeborn's lonely bedroom - Galadriel was as usual nowhere to be seen. Once inside, they stopped and embraced, still not speaking. Tinendel felt both happy and sad - happy because he had longed to hold Celeborn for so incredibly long - ever since their youth in the forest realm of Doriath, before the world changed, before the young Noldo Galadriel had arrived... Sad because he knew this would be the last time they would ever share a night of love - it would be a closure for all that had been between them - a jewel to treasure in their memories, allowing them both to move on - Celeborn to concentrate on his love Haldir - Tinendel to leave Celeborn and try to find happiness elsewhere.
Celeborn did nothing for a time, simply studying the tall, dark-haired beautiful elf in the silver shadows that danced around the room through the large windows and laced curtains. Hiding and yet showing all that there was from inside but hiding from the outside. Gently Celeborn pulled Tinendel into his arms, kissing him lovingly upon the lips. Much that had once been had changed between them and yet at the same time there was much that had been and always would be the same. Some things that are known can never be forgotten and that goes doubly so for elves as they cannot forget even if they might wish. "I would that you were happy..." Celeborn said quietly after a time, his hands traveling along Tinendel's back.
"So wish I that you were, meleth-nin," Tinendel mumbled in his ear, relishing in the loving touches so long missed, yet so familiar. "I promise to do anything I can to help you resolve the misunderstanding with Haldir, and get him back to you - if it can be done. Let that be my last gift to you before I leave you," he sighed, unable to keep his hands off Celeborn, caressing his hair and face tenderly, nipping at his lips.
"And what would I give you, for it seems I have given you nothing but pain with no remedy..." Celeborn's fingers came up to caress Tinendel's face gently, looking into his dark blue eyes. "I..." He could say nothing to the rest of it - Tinendel knew and had seen the pain and the loss in his eyes, knew for himself how it felt. But he did not voice his vow, it would be wrong to bring hope when there might not be any. "Enough talk of Haldir, and of many things... tonight there is no Haldir, tonight there are only you and I..." Celeborn said gently, carefully locking Haldir away in the back of his mind, though he could not do so completely. For the fair-haired elf was in some way or another always in his mind, in his heart, and in his thoughts...
"I will treasure this night forever, meleth-nin. Some pain is inevitable no matter what we choose - this is truly a great gift - it will help us to move on." Tinendel knew that Celeborn now recognized how it had always been for him - and hoped that the lord of Lorien would choose not to go down the same path Tinendel had chosen. Holding him tight, bestowing feather light kisses upon the pale face shimmering in the moonlight, he whispered into the soft skin: "I hope I can bring you some comfort too, my love... I am so glad you will share this night with me."
"You bring comfort to me by simply being here and you always have." Celeborn replied gently, eyes half closed as Tinendel's lips brushed across his face. His hands sliding down from Tinendel's face to his shoulders, brushing gently against the smooth skin visible along the neckline of his tunic. Celeborn's hands slid lower to his friend's waist and beneath the fabric of his clothing resting gently against his skin. "I have no words to say just how much you have done for me in the past and in the present..."
Tinendel's breath hitched as he felt the warm touches he had yearned for, his skin tingled, making him flushed. Relishing the sensations coursing through him, his lips moved slowly along Celeborn's yaw line, tracing his tongue along the earlobe and up to the delicate pointed tip, tasting it, blowing gently on it, treating it the way he still remembered would undo Celeborn. "Oh, melethron, I have no words for what you are doing to me in the present..." he breathed into the delicious ear, before continuing his ministrations.
Celeborn chuckled huskily, tilting his head to the side, breath hitching softly in his chest as Tinendel continued to tease his ears. Slowly he began moving the two of them towards the bed, unsure how much longer he could stay on his feet like this. "And you still know how to drive me crazy..." Celeborn murmured softly, pushing Tinendel's tunic up as his hands ran gently along his skin.
"Ah, so do you, my love," Tinendel gasped as Celeborn's roaming hands brushed his nipples. Shifting a little to allow his beloved to slide his tunic down his shoulders and drop it to the floor, he deftly opened the front of Celeborn's tunic and pushed it aside. In awe, he stared for a moment at the pale firm chest memorizing every inch of it, then he gently run his hands along the skin, savouring the feel of it, fingers coming to rest at the pink nipples raising from the skin to meet his touch.
Brushing fingers gently across new scars pale in the moonlight, Celeborn wondered just how far his friend had gone while he had been away, wondered at all that he had seen. Part of him wished that he could have been there with him, that things had never changed between them. But they had, and there was nothing to be done for it now, and they could no sooner go back to who they were then, than they could to what they once had been. //But we can have now...// Celeborn turned to catch Tinendel's lips gently with his own, pressing a loving and passionate kiss to them.
Closing his eyes, Tinendel lost himself in the passionate kiss, feeling his body awakening, sending warm waves all over him. After all these years his body still instinctively remembered how to respond to every of Celeborn's touches, and knew how his old lover would respond to any of his. His heart swelled in him, rekindling all those old, suppressed feelings he had for this wonderful elf in his arms. Silently he pushed Celeborn's tunic down his shoulders and to the floor, and continued to remove the rest of his clothes as they stopped next to the bed.
Celeborn slowly run his fingers down along Tinendel's body, touching skin gently, lovingly. It was like they had gone back in time, only different - a soft sigh escaped Celeborn's lips as his fingers came to rest on the waist band of his old lover's leggings, loosening it. "Ah..." he whispered softly, as the last vestige of clothing slipped away to the floor. Celeborn gently pulled Tinendel against himself, letting both of them fall back onto the bed with Tinendel on top, his eyes full of tender love.
Infinitely tenderly they made love - over and over - in bittersweet remembrance. Every time they lay limp beside each other, their hands and lips began wandering anew - hungry to rediscover everything that once had been between them. They relished in the remembrance of all the ancient sensations, every touch, every emotion reawakened to be experienced anew, loosing themselves in each other's bodies. Lingering, tender loving alternated with hot passion - often with laughter, a few times with tears. Utilizing every shred of their elven endurance, they took care to enjoy this their last night together to the fullest, creating of it a precious jewel, forever to be treasured in their hearts. Finally, sated in every way and utterly exhausted, they found themselves laying in each others arms, their eyes locked in a loving gaze, drinking the sight of each other in their current state, memorizing every detail of the other.
Nothing was said for a long few moments as they simply lay there once more lost in each other's embrace. Finally Celeborn sighed softly, brushing a tender kiss across Tinendel's lips. "I am glad we had this chance...." He whispered quietly, sincerely. "I am glad my friend." He pressed his lips gently to Tinendel's forehead this time.
Tinendel closed his eyes as Celeborn kissed him, enjoying the attention his lover had lavished on him, feeling extremely happy to have been given a night like this after having pined for him for so long. He had been in a state of pure bliss for hours, the very feeling of finally being granted his highest wish was so overwhelming - but slowly the unwelcome reality started slipping back, little by little, reminding him that this would not last beyond this night. They would go back to their previous positions - Celeborn wanting Haldir - and Tinendel the faithful friend helping and supporting him in obtaining that goal. Not wanting to let reality back in just yet, he snuggled tightly into his beloveds face and sighed contently. "Yes, my love. I am so very grateful we shared this night. I will treasure it in my heart forever."
"You should find something else to treasure in your heart forever...." Celeborn said quietly, he had not missed the look in Tinendel's eyes and knew reality had come back to him once more. He tightened his arms around his friend whishing that he could hold it at bay at least for a little while longer. "...You deserve something better than that." //Than me... I was not good enough for you, I would have waited if I had been good enough, but I turned away from you more than once and now I cannot go back again...//
Sensing the uneasiness in Celeborn's voice, Tinendel frowned a little, gazing at him. "I could never have anything better than what you have given me this night - I have always loved you so dearly - this is more than I have ever dared to dream of. If you knew how many times I have regretted bitterly that I left you back then - I hoped you would ask me to stay, but you did not - and I believed it was because you did not want me to. I was such a fool to ever leave you!" Suddenly filled with emotions, he closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Celeborn's.
"I was the fool to let you go..." Celeborn replied simply. Though they had both had their own reasons for what they had done, it was as simple as that. There was nothing they could do now to change things. Perhaps there was a reason that things had turned out as they had, he did not know what it was but he hoped that there was. "...Even though I can not give you what you want and need?" He asked softly, gently tilting Tinendel's chin up so that he could peer into his old lover's eyes. "And do not tell me that I can because I cannot - you have already told me so yourself..."
Clinging to Celeborn, not wanting to look in those beautiful blue eyes he loved so dearly, Tinendel slowly answered: "I know where your heart lies, you cannot change that even if you want to. I know you want to be good to me by sacrificing your own need, but I will not let you do that. It is enough that one of us made the wrong choice - oh, my dearest beloved, I could not take advantage of your broken heart! You have given me all you can give me tonight, and I will treasure this jewel in my heart, whether you want me to or not..." Voice failing, he pressed his face down in the pillow.
Celeborn could not speak for a moment, instead he pulled Tinendel closer hearing the sorrow in his voice. "We both errored in the past." He finally managed, biting his lower lip for a moment. "It was not just you love, it was I as well..." His own voice fell silent, unable to continue, as he pressed his forehead against Tinendel's head. He felt the full weight of the whole situation coming crashing down, the need, the worry, and the pain, but not only for Haldir - for Tinendel's happiness as well. "Ahh... is there no way that we can all be happy in this?"
Hearing Celeborn's desperate plea, Tinendel finally lifted his head a little to face him with moist eyes. "I am still a fool, meleth-nin, for letting you feel my pain. It was your heart that was broken tonight, not mine - my sorrow is old. I am so sorry my love, instead of easing your pain, I have given you another. If it is at all possible, I will bring Haldir back to you, to make you both happy." Placing a tender kiss to Celeborn's lips, he whispered almost inaudible: "Then I must leave you - I will not give you the burden of seeing me every day, disturbing your happiness, knowing... " Fighting his emotions, he closed his eyes, causing a single tear to run down his cheek, voice trembling slightly. "Do not worry about me, I will find someone. I always do..."
"Tinendel..." Celeborn whispered turning Tinendel's head towards him. "Tinendel, you can not tell me not to worry for you, for I will worry no matter where you go...." His lips kissed away the tear, his own voice none to steady as he spoke. "You are not a fool for wanting another to share your pain, for I have done the same to you already... ever since you came back by my own words and actions. We need another to speak of our pain and our tears to, to make it easier by sharing so that we can help, only..." He stopped, blinking back tears as he looked away from Tinendel. //I cannot help you...// though he wanted desperately to. "It would not be a burden to see you every day, do not ever think or say that. If you feel you need to leave I will understand why you do so, but do not do it for that reason.... please."
Not able to hide his agony, Tinendel stared at him with a distorted face, new tears welling up. "You will always be my dearest friend and my first and greatest love... but it would be like seeing you with young Galadriel all over again. I cannot... Oh, what do you want me to do?" Desperate, he hid his face in his hands, shoulders shaking slightly.
"I want you to be happy...." Celeborn whispered drawing Tinendel close. "If leaving here is happy - but do not do it because you think that my seeing you will make me unhappy... I will worry for you yes, but I would do that were you here or not..." His voice broke as he held Tinendel closer. "I do not know how to help you my friend.... Aye but I wish that I could..."
Brokenly, Tinendel mumbled: "You have helped me by giving me this night... that is all you can do..." Sniffling, he shifted to press his wet face into Celeborn's neck. "Just hold me... for the rest of this night... like we once were... like we have been now... oh, meleth-nin..." His breath hitched, and he could say no more.
"I will be here when you wake..." was the reply he had, Celeborn shifted pulling him closer. He loosed him only long enough to pull a light blanket up around their bodies. "If there is ever more I can do, melethin-nin, you have only to ask, remember that I will do whatever I can for you...." He blinked back tears. //For both of you...//
Weeping silently, Tinendel closed his arms tightly around Celeborn and nuzzled deep into the curve between his shoulder and neck, brushing his skin lightly with shivering lips. //I will do what I can to secure your happiness, my love... as I always have... oh, my love, if you only knew what sacrifices I make for you!//
//Haldir... Tinendel... Why must I choose between them? If only I could make both of them happy....// Celeborn's thoughts wandered as sleep slowly began to settle in. //And if Haldir does not want me? Then at least I can make things right here. I could not forget all, forget neither the feeling nor the longing, but I could be... Ahh... Why must things be like this? I pray that you forget me and find someone who can please you, for I know I have brought only sadness when it comes down to it.// Celeborn closed his eyes against new tears. //Haldir...// The hard coldness in his voice in the hall, the look in his eyes as he had run away flashed through Celeborn's mind, he shivered slightly clutching Tinendel tighter, trying to bring the better images to mind. Yet it was not just Haldir that came to mind -it was times before that as well.
Exhausted from both emotion and bodily pleasures, Tinendel finally felt himself drifting into dreams. Slowly forgetting his saddened state, the dreams reminded him of the happiness he had shared with Celeborn this night, and blissfully he sighed and cuddled up against him as sleep engulfed him.
Celeborn's thoughts haunted him for a while longer before blissful dreams set in, dragging him down into their warm embrace like the comforting arms of Tinendel still around him. Forgetting for a while longer his own sorrows and worries, lost in happier dreams, dreams of other times and places; not all of which were real.
