A/n: As I said, this is taking me a long time to update. And thank you JOY
for your devoted reviews! They really help. It seems when there is sappy
m/r I write quickly, but since this is at a harsh area, it depresses me.
::sigh:: how I love these boys. I wish they were mine...::thinks
devilishly::
"Scarsdale-next stop."
That damn intercom, I was almost asleep too. I think I am the only one who can manage to sleep on a New York subway. I am on them all of the time and when I am either I'm sleeping or filming. Right now exhaustion has overtaken me from walking around the village all day, thinking of a place to go. When I decided to go stay at my old friend's house I went back to tell Roger but he was asleep. I thought about just up and leaving, not telling him where I will go or when I will be home. That would only cause him worry and pain plus more problems for us when I get back. I was honestly hoping for the opposite.
Anger is not even existent in me anymore. Instead, I am filled with guilt and desperation. Roger gave me the most beautiful gift that I have never had before; he truly loved me. I hope that he still does. He should have just wrapped himself in paper and put a bow on his head. Not only would I get him but I would also get to "unwrap" him.
NO! Stop thinking about him like that, not a good time.
They say that guys think about sex all the time. Well triple that when the one you want is mad at you and you will figure out my current hormonal rate.
Who ever thought that this would even be happening? Honestly, not me. Had I always had a crush on him? Hell yes. Not only was he physically attractive but you put his little Roger quirks with that and he is WOW. The way he runs his fingers through his iced hair when he was mad, how he constantly moves his arms and hands when he is nervous, and the way he smiles with his eyes when he is happy. I thought about these things. I thought about them too much, but I never considered having these feelings returned, forget about a relationship. I only dreamed with no intention of ever making this known to him. Sure, he probably could tell that I was attracted to him. He has seen my taste in guys; he lives with me for Christ's sake.
I love him, I always have. It was not a big deal to me, it was merely there-like a given. I was not about to kiss him and make it into some huge melodramatic scene. That was certainly not my style.
I think that is probably why I took the incident this morning so seriously. Roger loving me as I had only fantasized about for so long was so surreal. I wanted to make it all a dream because I knew it was too good to be true. I was scared; blowing that out of proportion seemed to be the only way to go. He did not deserve what has happened to him in the past and he certainly did not deserve me holding it against him when he was finally opening up to me.
There is no past, though, so now I can only give him time, then go back, and apologize. In the meantime, I will be thinking about him, praying that he will take me back and we can actually start what was meant to be.
The buzzing and sudden jerk of the train puts a damper on my thoughts. The doors open and I step out into the only town that I knew for so long.
"Scarsdale-next stop."
That damn intercom, I was almost asleep too. I think I am the only one who can manage to sleep on a New York subway. I am on them all of the time and when I am either I'm sleeping or filming. Right now exhaustion has overtaken me from walking around the village all day, thinking of a place to go. When I decided to go stay at my old friend's house I went back to tell Roger but he was asleep. I thought about just up and leaving, not telling him where I will go or when I will be home. That would only cause him worry and pain plus more problems for us when I get back. I was honestly hoping for the opposite.
Anger is not even existent in me anymore. Instead, I am filled with guilt and desperation. Roger gave me the most beautiful gift that I have never had before; he truly loved me. I hope that he still does. He should have just wrapped himself in paper and put a bow on his head. Not only would I get him but I would also get to "unwrap" him.
NO! Stop thinking about him like that, not a good time.
They say that guys think about sex all the time. Well triple that when the one you want is mad at you and you will figure out my current hormonal rate.
Who ever thought that this would even be happening? Honestly, not me. Had I always had a crush on him? Hell yes. Not only was he physically attractive but you put his little Roger quirks with that and he is WOW. The way he runs his fingers through his iced hair when he was mad, how he constantly moves his arms and hands when he is nervous, and the way he smiles with his eyes when he is happy. I thought about these things. I thought about them too much, but I never considered having these feelings returned, forget about a relationship. I only dreamed with no intention of ever making this known to him. Sure, he probably could tell that I was attracted to him. He has seen my taste in guys; he lives with me for Christ's sake.
I love him, I always have. It was not a big deal to me, it was merely there-like a given. I was not about to kiss him and make it into some huge melodramatic scene. That was certainly not my style.
I think that is probably why I took the incident this morning so seriously. Roger loving me as I had only fantasized about for so long was so surreal. I wanted to make it all a dream because I knew it was too good to be true. I was scared; blowing that out of proportion seemed to be the only way to go. He did not deserve what has happened to him in the past and he certainly did not deserve me holding it against him when he was finally opening up to me.
There is no past, though, so now I can only give him time, then go back, and apologize. In the meantime, I will be thinking about him, praying that he will take me back and we can actually start what was meant to be.
The buzzing and sudden jerk of the train puts a damper on my thoughts. The doors open and I step out into the only town that I knew for so long.
