USELESS GOODBYES

'' I don't love you. I never did. ''

I say this, finding the courage to look in your eyes so you 'll know I'm sincere.

It's in your eyes I see that you believe me. What you feel for me, your conviction that you don't deserve my love, made you vulnerable to rejection.

Your gaze remains unwavering as you take your knife and cut the corner of your eyes, letting fall a tear of blood.

You do it to punish me, letting me know that I'm leaving in your heart a cut indeleble as a scar, and deeper.

I strive to stay strong and cold, unmoved but not so much than you are left with space for doubt.

Finally I look away, unable to bear the pain I caused you.

You hand me the field router back: you don't want anything from me if you can't have me.

I take it.

One last look and you, then you walk away.

As you go, I must bite my tongue to keep myself from calling you back and screaming the truth.

Maybe I never loved more than I do right now.

If I know you, you'll blame yourself for this. You taught me all that I know about lies and manipulations.

But, although I'm sorry for underestiming you, believing that you wouldn't betray Section for me, neither of us is to blame for this.

I did what I had do, just like you did so many times in the past.

You get away from me, I hear you disapparearing in the brushes.

I won't turn and won't call you back, even if I want to.

This is presumibly the last time I will see you.

We said goodbye so many times than it's unreal. I won't cry.

The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth and, if I loved you less, for the pain I feel I would be cursing the day I started to fall in love with you. I can't.

Until you are free, I can still think that one part of me, the better one, is alive and well.

If someday I get out there, I hope I'll find you, but until then I can't ask you to wait.

Anywhere in the world that you are, even if you 'll try to forget everything about me, you won't be free from me, not any more than I'll be free from you.

This is why I know that you'll understand what I'm doing someday, if anything else because you'll need to understand this.

When that day comes, I hope you'll be able to forgive me too.

Because I bet I won't be able to forgive myself.