DISCLAIMER: I don't own it. I don't have money. And I don't think I have anymore jellybeans to give to you if you sue me either, so please don't. FY belongs to Yuu Watase, or Watase Yuu (depending on what country you live in), Flower Comics, Pioneer and whoever else has rights to it.

Warnings: None really. Yes, OMG! A fic I've written isn't PG-Rated for once! Other warnings: Angst, lame attempts at humor (I had a migraine when I wrote it so cut me some slack), spoilers, odd, ooc, and it's my first FY fic.

Pairings: Well, this fic isn't really a love fic, it's more of a fic about someone resolving to love someone and to contemplate the loss of friends. But the dominant pairings in this fic are Hotohori with Houki and Miaka with Tamahome.

Author's Note: It's not shounnen-ai or yaoi. But some statements that Hotohori makes could give that impression. Feedback is welcome.

PONDERINGS AND A PRELUDE TO FAREWELL

Miaka stopped when she saw the heavily concentrated look on Hotohori's face. She had to admit in a fleeting thought as he watched day surrender to dusk at the window he stood before, that the golden light made his beautiful, nearly feminine features even more attractive. But the thought had come and gone so quickly she hadn't even been aware of it. He was married now and she was securely with Tamahome. She had spent a short period of time talking with Houki alone. Houki's looks and parts of her personality still took Miaka by surprise when she thought about them. She shook it off and crossed the hall to where the Emperor continued to stand motionless as if sculpted to look transfixed by the lowering fire-star in the sky. She waited a moment or two then leaned against the wall next to the window.

"Do you have everything that you need, Miaka?" he finally said without looking at her.

"Yes." she answered not really sure why she suddenly felt nervous. Perhaps it was because deep down she knew that he was still in love with her. That was really the subject that Miaka had come to talk to him about. Somewhere deep down she was keenly aware of it despite his seemingly drop dead sincerity and acceptance that he appeared to have in supporting she and Tamahome taking the final step in their relationship- to be married. She was relieved and slightly confused by his acceptance and slight twinkle of joy that he it appeared he had in his wife. He sounded almost happy when he introduced her to them. Almost.

She felt a jolt go through her when he finally looked at her. His face registered no expression- but his eyes... his eyes were clouded over with pain. "Hotohori?" Miaka spoke tentatively. "What are you thinking about? You look so..."

Miaka didn't finish. She had an idea about what some of his thoughts COULD be turned to. Chirko... She caught herself from the sob that was forming in her throat. Nuriko... Or could it be about his unrequited love for her? She didn't dare guess for sure.

He smiled gravely. "Many things. Shouldn't you be with Tamahome?"

"Well, he and Tasuki got into another fight. I didn't want to stick around for it."

He nodded and smiled again, then turned his gaze out upon the encroaching night. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked suddenly.

"What?" Miaka asked dumbfounded.

"Chirko... Nuriko...", he said in a whisper, looking down at the ground when he spoke Nuriko's name.

"I really don't know what to say concerning them. I..." Miaka's eyes flashed with pain. She thought about how Chirko died by his own hand, then how violently Nuriko had. "I really don't know what to say. I..." she stopped unable to go on. She didn't want to cry.

"We will miss them." Hotohori said with a voice of finality. "I suppose that may be considered the understatement of the year. Right Miaka?" He said it with a straight face, but if Miaka didn't know better, she'd swear he was trying to make her laugh. Miaka only nodded.

"Nuriko is what has been dominating my thoughts. I know he challenged one of the Seiryuu Seven. I know he died violently, but with great honor. However, I still find it difficult to imagine the Nuriko I knew dying that way. Or even being dead. It's quite disturbing. Chirko's death was also a shock... He was so young and I hardly was given a chance to know him. But Nuriko..." Hotohori stopped mid- sentence and looked up at Miaka with hurt eyes. He looked away quickly back to the midnight beyond. "Forgive me. It seems I was rambling."

Miaka felt both touched and heartbroken. Touched that he let her be the person that he opened up to about some of his inner most feelings. Heartbroken because he didn't feel he had a right to continue. To let his feelings out. "It's okay. Really, I don't mind. You can go on with what you were saying." Miaka encouraged, forcing herself to smile.

Hotohori looked at her out of the corner of his eye, then down and back up again. Suddenly his relaxed posture changed and took on the one she was used to- the tall, proud, courtly stature of royalty. She looked away. Nuriko... Nuriko had always walked and stood with the same posture. The same feline-like grace. She could feel the emotions rising with in her again. The tears. She wanted him back! She wanted Chirko back too! It wasn't fair that they had to die for their cause! {Don't cry, Miaka.} For some reason she could hear Nuriko's voice saying this to her in her mind. {... It's alright. I'll always be with you. Always.}

"Are you alright, Miaka?" she heard Hotohori ask. She gave him an unconvincing nod.

"Your crying." he accused.

"I'm sorry. But... but I'd really like for you to go on with what you were saying. Go ahead." she said burying the feelings back into their respective spot again.

Hotohori stared at her unconvinced. All he had apparently just done was make her feel bad again. For some reason, he wanted to talk about the premature deaths of his friends. About his wife and the child she carried with in her. To maybe finally get closure on his feelings for the priestess. He looked away from her. He'd better not. "I'd rather not. What I have said already has upset you. I do not wish to cause you further distress."

"No it's okay!" Miaka almost shouted. "For some reason since it happened no one's really talked about it. That's even more painful." Miaka said looking down.

Nuriko's death especially had seemed to be a taboo subject. No one wanted to talk about it in detail unless they had to. No one spoke of their feelings about it. It didn't seem right. Everyone tensed up at the subject. Yet, she knew that feelings needed to be spoken of. "Please tell me whatever it was you were going to say. "Miaka finished.

Hotohori's brow creased in painful reasoning and he turned back to the window again looking up at the stars. He remained silent. Miaka scowled then stepped up to the window and looked up at the portion of sky he was gazing at so profoundly. She heard him let out a spurt of chuckles. "Nuriko's constellation is shining brightly tonight. Just as he did. Perhaps..." Hotohori looked at Miaka with a twitch on his lips, "...perhaps he is watching. And I think he may agree with you." Miaka couldn't help but smile at the thought of it. 'Nuriko, I think, didn't deserve the death he was dealt. No one deserves to die that way. No one deserves to die as Chirko did. No one. Did... did Nuriko suffer?" Hotohori's voice seemed shaky with his question. "Chirko's death was still fresh in everyone's minds... and everyone was there to witness it. But Nuriko..."

Miaka nodded and looked in to the darkness of the hall where no one could see her tears. "So is Nuriko's death." she said bitterly. Her eyes bugged out with that statement. It had come out before she realized it. She could still see Nuriko laying there trying to sound unconcerned about his wounds. Trying to smile. She could still see the blood pouring out of him- draining his young body of life. "I'm afraid so. Probably more than even he realized. He held on for so long... then died. If he'd just held on for a few more minutes...", Miaka couldn't hold it in anymore. The tears unleashed themselves. There wasn't anyway that Chirko could've been saved, but Nuriko if he'd just hung on for a few more precious minutes Mitsukake would've got there and he wouldn't be dead. Poor Mitsukake..." But the worst part is... that I think Mitsukake blames himself for not being able to save him. Or Chirko. It wasn't his fault at all. I know that. It wasn't anybody's fault. But... if only Nuriko had hung on..." she cried heavily turning away all together from the Emperor.

"Miaka, no matter how he died, I think that Nuriko had become satisfied with his work and that he'll always be with us. Always watching over us. I think he had taken care of all that he could have at this point. And I think even in death... he'll always be there to protect you. But..." Hotohori tried to hold in tears of his own as he reached a hand out to lay on Miaka's shoulder, "I know it doesn't make any of it easier to handle, nor make his death easier to understand. Even the halls of this palace still echo with his presence." Then a twitch on Hotohori's lips occurred and turned into a rumbling laugh. Miaka looked at him as if he was insane. He looked back at her. He didn't know why what he just thought of seemed so funny at the time, but at the moment it was hilarious. The more Miaka stared at him as if she thought he was a basket case, the funnier it got.

"Ah, Hotohori? What's wrong with you?"

"I was just thinking about something after my last statement..." he made an effort to control himself but was unsuccessful.

"WHAT?" Miaka yelled.

"You know we never did get that wall fixed that Nuriko broke that time when he threw the railing at that Kutou spy." he said a degree of control coming back.

Miaka chuckled, but she didn't find it half so amusing as Hotohori did. That was the night that Tamahome left to go to Kutou for the sake of halting the war and her own as well.

"I'm sorry Miaka. I know that that night marked the beginning of one of your most painful experiences and I don't even know why I just thought of it. But for some reason what Nuriko did and said at that time seems hilarious at the moment." he said his laughter now turned into a contented twitch on his lips. He needed to laugh. Nuriko's death was painful for him too. More so than he imagined it would be.

"Well, I guess it gives you something to remember him by." Miaka said smiling.