The one I loved: from the diary of Hermione Granger

by: Weretosia-87

Spoilers: books 1-4

disclaimer: I do not own any of the HP merchandise, J.K Rowling does.

Summary: Hermione finds her old diary and reads a passage from it in which she is depressed because the one she loves rejected her, so she decides to end her pain through death. However, before she can do so she gets advise from the least person she expected. Severus Snape.

Rating pg-13

pairing: hinted S/H

(A/N: words than are left aligned and regular type is what is happening present day. Words italisized and right aligned are words from her diary, and words centered and regular is what happened in the past.)

(Hermione's POV) (Date: December 24th, 2002)

I frowned at my bookshelf, the dust seemed to cover every inch of it. Well, there was only one thing to do, dust it off. Now, I do this a lot, dusting books, sorting them, and just about everything else associated with books since I'm the new Hogwarts librarian. The books intrigue me really. Learning something new, seeing things I would never have been able to see before.

I smiled at some of the fifth years as they walked in looking for, from what I heard, a book to help them with that Bastard Snape's essay. I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't believe he was still teaching either! All that fussing about idiotic and incompetent children, you'd think he would quit. Personally I think he enjoys teaching. Although he wouldn't admit it under the most extreme torture.

"Is there something specific you're looking for?" I asked seeming as how lost they looked.

"Um, yeah. A book on the amorphous potion." Katrina, the fifth year Ravenclaw, replied.

"Yes, I do believe I have something that'll help you." I smiled as I reached under my desk and pulled out one of my books, "Amorphous, how to and what it is. This should help."

"Thanks, Madam Granger!" The two smiled as they walked out.

I leaned back into my chair and smiled, I still hadn't quite gotten used to that. Madam Granger, well it did have a nice ring.

I shrugged it off and pulled the book I had been looking at earlier, my diary from school. It had been ages since I read it last. Or even wrote in it. So, I was now.

I flipped to the middle where I had my bookmark and continued.

December 23rd, 1996

Dear Diary,

This is the day! I am going to tell Ron my feelings. Nothing is going to stop me this time. I don't know how I'll do it, but I will! Just you watch. I just hope he feels the same way about me...

December 24th, 1996

I told him, he laughed in my face...

***

(a/n: date: December 24th, 1996)

I couldn't believe I had been so careless. So bloody stupid! How could I not know he didn't like me in that way... He could have just said he didn't like me but no, he had to laugh in my face as if it were some kind of joke. I feel as if my heart was ripped out.

It's amazing really, how cold and upset one can be on Christmas day. I can't even tell if the snow is white, to me everything looks gray, gray, cold, and foreboding. I feel so empty, lost, and utterly alone. No one cares, mother had another baby, one she hopes will not have the 'freak gene' I have and will be normal. Harry is with his Godfather in Hawaii, Ron, Ron is with his new girlfriend.

I stopped by the lake. I take a deep breath and prepare to through myself in. Death would be better than this emptiness and pain.

But, before I had a chance I hear a voice behind me, belonging to none other than Severus Snape.

"What may I ask are you doing out here?" he demanded an irritated edge to his voice.

"Nothing!" I lied.

He looked at me, then to the lake and realization dawned upon his cold face.

"It must have been a very unpleasant year, if you are about to jump in and drown yourself."

"I was not!" I muttered looking away.

"If I do say so, it is a bit cold for a dip." he retorted.

I couldn't look at him, nor reply.

"Let me tell you something miss Granger." he paused and looked at me, and strangely, an almost sympathetic look came over him, "Inside it is utterly cold out here." he offered me his hand, which I hesitantly took.

We walked in silence to the dungeons, not a erie silence, but a calm one. He opened the door to his quarters and ushered me in. He motioned towards one of two large black velvet chairs. Oddly, it was actually comfortable.

"Would you like some hot coco miss Granger?" he asked.

I nodded numbly, on all other occasions I would have been suspicious of food poison but not now, I was too numb to care. He returned shortly after with two steaming mugs of hot coco. He handed one to me and sat in the chair across from myself and sipped the other.

After a moment of silence I spoke, "I didn't now you like hot coco professor Snape."

"I do enjoy the taste of muggle drinks, especially coco and occasionally whiskey, on cold bitter nights such as this." he replied.

I nodded.

"Miss Granger, I do believe I know why you were going to drawn yourself." he said suddenly, "That, Ron boy, he rejected you, the rest of your friends are gone, and you feel like you have been replaced at home. Correct?"

I nodded, he hit it right on the dot. "How-"

"How did I know?" he asked cocking an eyebrow. "Because I felt the same way when I was your age. The one person I cared for rejected me, my parents ignored me, and my so called friends abandoned me every chance they got. I was alone."

I nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you know why I joined the death eaters?" he asked, I shook my head, "Because I was alone and causing others pain seemed to numb it, as did my own attempts at self mutilation. But, I was wrong. The pain only increased, I couldn't escape it. I knew what I had to do. I went to Dumbledore, crawled back to the side of good to help others instead of killing them." he paused and looked at me thoughtfully, "You yourself miss Granger are on the road parallel to the one I had taken as a lad. You may not know it, but you are. And death does not take away the pain."

I could feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, "Why are you telling me this?" I whispered.

"Because you are a wonderful person Hermione, I do not wish to see you take the same path I took." He took my hand then, "I don't want to lose you to the dark side too." he let go of my hand and leaned back into his chair. "I may not show it, but I admire your intelligence. You are the smartest witch I have ever known, and are capable of great things. If only you give yourself the chance."

He looked up at his clock and turned back to me, "Curfew was three hours ago, you should return to your dorm."

I nodded and headed for the door.

"And ten points from Gryffindor, I don't want you out this late again." he added.

I smiled to myself and left.

***

... he may not know it, but he saved more than my life that day, he saved my soul. It's amazing, how you can fall in love with someone you used to despise.

Hermione Granger

I closed the book and smiled. Yes, it is amazing how love sneaks up on you. I think it's time that I told that old bat how I felt, for you never know what kind of fast ball life will throw at you.

December 24th, 2003

Its amazing really, how you never would of thought that they loved you until you admit to them that you love them and they tell you the same. Isn't love magical? Wedding bells have rung, and now I live happily at Hogwarts with my one true love. Severus Snape.

I close my diary and set it onto the end table next to my chair and smiled as I watched Severus go on and on about incompetent children. Honestly, will some things ever change?