DISCLAIMER: if i owned anything then this wouldn't be here right? so that means i don't own ccs *sob*



CH.5 - Lost In Life





I loved Yue. I loved Yukito. I did not know who I loved more. It is great luck that they are two people melded into one. But in some ways it is sad. They have completely different personalities.


I loved Yue for his mysterious qualities. I think I have loved him since I met him. Yukito had love from me for his always being kind and generous. I have noticed his throwing of little treats to Sakura. And I know Sakura has a little crush on him. Just like I did.


I have seen her swoon over him. I loved him also, but I did not wish for her to dislike me. So I keep my secret from everyone. I continue to loved Yue. I do not get to see his face a lot, which saddened me. He is only supposed to change into his true form when testing Sakura.


Keroberos, as usual, tries to pressure me into telling him where Yue is, but that I cannot do. I do not know what to do without him. I cannot see Yukito either, for I am frightened I will announce my love for him. So I stayed in the shadows of keeping the Kinomoto's family clean and serving them food.


How childish I feel now when I think about it. Maybe it is just how he did not accept my love. I did not know then, that my destiny was not to love Yue, or Yukito. How Yue did not accept was in the park.


*flashback*
"Ahh, the air is so refreshing here." I filled my lungs with the clean air around me. A shadow crept on me. I turned around. It was Yue! "Yue-san! You must not be in your true form yet! What if Keroberos senses you?!" "Do not worry, his powers are not strong enough yet to sense me." I smiled but I felt a light fluttering in my stomach. Oh no, why do I feel this way? "Are you sick?"

"Oh no, Yue-san." Come sit down. I beckoned for him to sit on the bench. As he sat, I felt blood rushing to my face. What is wrong with me? I am not hanging upside down! Ah how could I be so dense, like Sakura Mistress! I am in love! With Yue?!

I think it was foolish for me to acknowledge that because now I was blushing every second I was with him. He looked greatly puzzled. "What is wrong with you Card?" "Shh! You must call me Hinako!" "Oh, sumanai, er Hinako..." I am so foolish! I blushed again when he said my "name".

"I think there is something wrong. Perhaps you should go to the home now."

"Oh, no. I'm alright. Really." I tried to smile so hhe wouldn't notice my dizziness in being so close to him!

"Er, Yue-san? I-I- have s-something t-to say..." I twiddled my fingers and looked away.

"What is it?" his cool voice asked.

"Well, you see... it's uh... it's just that..." I couldn't finish.

"You really are sick." He looked too worried for the little problem that I had.

"No that's not it! I love you, Yue-san!" I yelled. I think I heard birds fly off the trees. I was immediately embarrassed, my face was flushed again. I felt a cool hand touch my shoulder.

I turned around. Yue, amazingly, had more color to his cheeks than his usual pale whitish. "I-It cannot work out," Yue told me with a low voice.

I was immediately more hurt than I ever was in my entire life that I had been here. He cannot love me?! Who else is there to love? I tried not to, but I cried in spite of myself. He tried to comfort me, but I broke out of his hold and ran off to the home I live in.

I burst in and ran into Fujitaka. "What is wrong?" I quickly wiped my tears. "Oh, it is nothing." I plastered on a fake smile. "I just fell. I have to stop the bleeding!" and I ran up the stairs to not face any more questions.
*end flashback*


Of course, after I had thought about it for a day, I realized that Yue had been right. He is always right. A creation from Clow Reed and I cannot be together. I guess I had just been too hopeful. So, I wrote a letter to Yue except I had no used his name for I was sure his borrowed form would read it. I told Touya to give it to Yukito. At first, he looked suspicious, but I assured him that it was not what he thought and that he must read it althought it would not be for him. I suppose I cannot blame him. Who else would believe something like that?


=To the one I loved,
I realize that I made a mistake.
You are right of course. I was
just being hopeful. I was being
myself. I hope you forgive me
and live your life to the fullest!
Although it might not be any time
soon. I will think of you fondly.
From Love=


I signed it 'Love' so as to not embarrass myself to Yukito and Touya if he should ever read it to confirm his suspicions.


Although I had reassured Touya that I do not like Yukito, I was sadly mistaken. Just shortly after I had been so heartbroken of Yue, I went to his borrowed form for comfort. Little did I know that I would love him as much as I did Yue. But he too, rejected me. I do not think either of them meant to hurt me, but they did.


I have never felt so lost, as I do. Now, I know how the pain of rejection feels, twice as much. I also feel great sorrow for the humans I rejected, even though they are long dead.

Since, I know that no one in this time will love me as others did in the past, I will lose myself in other things like cooking. I do enjoy cooking, very much. It is fun to look at a book and find out how to make various types of foods. I know that Touya and Sakura enjoy it too. They both said so. And I know that Keroberos especially LOVES my cooking! Hee hee... I will never grow bored as long as I stay close to Keroberos. He absolutely loves my sweets that I usually reserve for when the family of Kinomoto are at their schools or after school, when I have everyone to enjoy it.




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i think this chapter is sad... well at least it's angst here... but i hope this was good...

to answer Mysterious Dark Eyed Wanderer's question... yep this story is going somewhere *smirk* you'll see ^_^