Where Eagles Snip
(no it's got nothing to do with the fic, but I was running out of ideas, okay?)

WARNING WARNING WARNING

I am NOT responsible for people spewing drinks/choking on food/laughing themselves silly/hiccupping madly/gasping for breath etc.
If you choose to indulge in food or drink while reading this fic, it's at your own risk. Don't blame me or sue me.

This fic contains spoilers for season 8, but only as far as episodes screened in the USA.

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Carter was blushing furiously as he whispered to Randi. "Um, Randi...I don't know how to say this...but your um, left..." he lowered his voice even more, "breast. It's um, rather 'exposed'."

Randi looked down at herself and swore as she pulled her top back up. "Damn, Malucci. He *never* puts anything away when he's finished using it."

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The policeman looked down at the squashed body. "So what was Nurse Lockhart doing just before it happened?"

"Well, she'd just treated a woman who'd been trying for months to get pregnant," said Mark.

"Before that, she was treating a woman who'd been depressed after having an abortion," added Chuny.

"I thought she was in with that comatose woman who was going into labor?" said Carter.

"No, no, no, that was *before* the depression but *after* the alcoholic who just fell off the wagon," said Malik.

"So when did she see the woman who had too many children?" asked Mark.

"I think that was after she temporarily lost that baby she was supposed to be looking after," said Chuny. "She'd just finished the chart on the surrogate mother and then..."

They all looked sadly at Abby. "And then that anvil just came flying out of nowhere?" asked the policeman.

They all nodded. "We told her to watch out for them," said Mark, "But she just wouldn't listen."

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"I can't believe that Weaver's gay," said Chuny. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it...but man, that came out of nowhere."

"What I can't believe is that none of us knew it," said Haleh, a gloomy look on her face.

"You realize that we can't let anyone find out," said Lydia. The other nurses looked at her.

"Um, Lopez kissed her in front of the admit desk," said Chuny. "Hell, the whole hospital knows it by now."

Lydia shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I mean, we can absolutely positively not let it be known that we hadn't a clue about this beforehand. I mean, if people realized that *we* the ER nurses, hadn't known a juicy little secret like this, think of what it would do to our reputation as gossips."

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"You stay away from Carter," snapped Susan. "He's *mine*."

"No he's not," yelled Abby. "John and *I* are going to be together forever, you'll see."

Susan sniffed disdainfully, "He'll never look at you if you can't even call him by the name he *likes* to be called."

(all the Jinter's burst into tears)

"Well, I can list more than 700 reasons why he and I are meant to be."

"Oh please," said Susan, rolling her eyes. "It doesn't matter *how* many reasons you list...the most important one is still missing."

"Which is?"

"You're not blonde, and *I* am."

Abby screamed and jumped on Susan, knocking her to the floor.

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Frank said, "Well I'm not surprised that she's gay. Hell, practically every place I've worked, there's been gay women."

"Hmm," said Luka. "And let me guess, you only found out they were gay when you asked them out?"

"Hey, that's right," said Frank, in amazement. "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess," said Luka, trying to hide a smirk.

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Mark looked at the board and blinked in surprise. "Uh, Randi...what's this doing stuck up on the notice board? And more importantly, who sent it?"

Randi blew a bubble with her gum before replying. "We got a fax from Malucci addressed to Weaver. Said he'd got a great new job - no thanks to her - and he just wanted to send her something to remind her of him."

"So he sent her a photocopy of his butt?"

Randi nodded. "Yep."

"Well, maybe you should take it down...I mean, what if Dr. Romano sees it?"

Randi smirked, "*He's* the one who told me to enlarge it."

"Ah...well that explains everything," said Mark. "Except for the lipstick marks on it."
For the first time in his life, Mark saw Randi blush.

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Sobriki's lawyer "So, Dr. Lewis, your patient had a head injury, a loss of consciousness, and you *still* transferred him to another hospital, even though you hadn't stabilized him or ruled out the possibility of an intercranial bleed?"

Susan "Um, yes."

Lawyer "Why?"

Susan "Because I care so much about my boyfriend, that I just *had* to get that person out of the ER. It didn't matter that I hadn't got the test results. It didn't matter that I had accepted care of a patient and I was bound by my Hippocratic Oath to treat him to the best of my abilities. It didn't matter that he was medicated and mentally stable. All that mattered was getting him out of the ER, in case he'd snap again."

Lawyer. "Oh, well when you put it *that* way, of course we won't be slapping this multi-million dollar lawsuit on you."

Susan "Oh you might as well, my boyfriend's rich, I'm sure he'll take care of it."

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"Mark," called Kerry, "We have a major staffing crisis. Half the nurses have handed in their notice."

"It's not just in the ER," said Mark. "Elizabeth told me that Kit and most of the scrub nurses are leaving as well. Apparently they've all got these amazing new jobs."

"But where?" asked Kerry. "There's not another hospital in Chicago that needs that many nurses. Or doctors for that matter. A few of them want to leave as well."

"Elizabeth gave me this," said Mark, holding out a piece of paper. "Apparently this new factory has opened up and they're taking on staff."

"Nurses and doctors working in a factory? What on earth are they making?"

(Quick flash to a set of offices where Cein and Fat Cat are interviewing staff. The line of potential interviewees - mainly women, but a few men are there - stretches all the way out the door and halfway around the block)

"So," says Cein, "You're applying for the job as tester of our life size inflatable Dave dolls. You *do* know that they are *extremely* life like?"

The grin on Kelley's face grows even larger as she replies, "I certainly hope so!"

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"Malik," ordered Kerry, "Throw a bucket of water over those two." She indicated Susan and Abby, who were still trying to rip each other's hair out.

"With pleasure," grinned Malik.

When the two dripping women had finally broken apart, Kerry stood over them. "You do realize that it's a waste of time fighting over Dr. Carter?" she said.

"Is not," muttered Abby.

"Yeah," muttered Susan, "He's gotta choose *someone* from the ER...and you're gay, Chen doesn't know whether she's here or not, Corday's married, Kovac is in Bosnia, Mark is a wuss...it *has* to be one of us."

"Hmm, I think you should both take a quick look in Exam 1...I believe Dr. Carter disappeared in there with his 'true love' half an hour ago."

Abby and Susan looked at each other and then made a mad dash for exam 1.

Abby got there first and flung open the door. "Oh dear God, John, you cannot be serious."

Susan's jaw dropped as she stared over Abby's shoulder. "Dr. Romano?"

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"I don't know," said Cein, frowning as she looked at the prototype inflatable doll. "I'm not sure if we've got it *quite* exact."

"I think we need to take a few more measurements," said Fat Cat. "Dave, would you mind taking your clothes off."

"Again?" asked Dave. Shrugging, he said, "Sure, no problem." He pulled off his clothes. "Just one thing ladies, wouldn't you get a more accurate result if you used a tape measure? I mean, I thought 'hands' were only used to measure horses?"

"I think he means Stallions," muttered Fat Cat.

"Of the Italian variety," added Cein.

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