Buffy sat quietly, listening to Spike's explanation of his journey. He paced a lot while he was talking, not ever really looking at her for long periods of time. When he finished, He sat in the chair across from her, sighed heavily, and waited. Buffy was eerily quiet, and he feared, correctly so, that it was the calm before the storm.
Buffy looked at him for a few moments, growing more and more perturbed that he wouldn't look at her. Finally, she said, in a flat tone, "Spike, look at me."
He looked up at her, and recognized the blank look in her eyes. It was the same look she'd had so frequently after her friends pulled her from heaven and she would come to him for comfort. She looked totally disconnected from the world around her, and it was hard to tell if she was angry or just very hurt.
Finally, she started speaking again, holding his gaze the entire time.
"So, you mean to tell me that Giles knew where you were the entire time, and he never told me. The whole time I was pregnant, while Maggie was a baby, and I was doing everything I could to search the globe to find you, he knew where you were and he never told me."
"No, Love, I had been in England about a year when I went to him."
"Same difference, Spike. So Maggie was about 7 months old when you went to him. He still knew that I was looking for you, that I needed you. And he never mentioned to you that it might be a good idea to at least call me?"
Spike weighed his words carefully before continuing. "No, pet, he never mentioned it. But in all fairness to the Watcher, I never really insisted on knowing anything about you. In fact, I practically told him that I didn't want to know anything about you."
"WHAT?" she practically shrieked. "I thought you said you were doing this for us, Spike. That the whole time you were on your little quest to find out about the chip malfunction that you were doing it so that we could be together. Or did I misunderstand that lovely little narrative you just told me?"
"No, Buffy, you didn't misunderstand," he began slowly, weighing each word. "But I had to do this on my own. I couldn't do it with the knowledge that you would be sitting here, waiting on me when I was ready to come back. And I couldn't have rushed through everything I did just to get back to you. And I can tell you, pet, if I had known that you were just sitting here waiting for me I would've done everything I could to get back to you as fast as I could, and I'm not convinced that would have been good."
Spike stopped for a moment, trying not to let his frustration get the best of him. Finally, he continued. "The whole time I was gone, everything I went through, was for you. I had to know that I could trust myself, before I came back here asking you to trust me. And I had to know that I'd be able to keep you safe. I was trying to be the man you deserve, Buffy, and that's not something I wanted to rush. As far as not asking the Watcher about you… you made it pretty clear how you felt about me the night that I left. You dismissed me, just like you had hundreds of times before. How was I to know that you felt anything for me?"
Buffy got up and started pacing. Spike watched her pace around the room, wondering what was going through her mind. Soon, she started talking again. "I just can't believe that the two of you would keep something like this from me. He knew, the whole time, every time I would call him and tell him about some new lead to find you, he never once mentioned that he knew where you were. This is totally unbelievable. And you… I can't believe you never once asked him point blank if I'd said anything about you. Because he would've had to tell you that I did. Every single time I talked to him it was mostly about you." She continued her pacing, but when she walked over to the steps, Spike stopped her.
"Buffy, where are you going?"
"I need to think, Spike. This is just too much. I'm going upstairs. Stay here in Dawn's room if you want, go back to your hotel if you want. Right now I'm just too angry and confused to care either way." With that she walked up the stairs and into her bedroom.
Spike heard the door slam, and thought that was not a good sign. Well, mate, that went much worse than I'd ever imagined. How was I to know that the Watcher actually kept my confidence? I figured he would've at least told her that he'd seen me. What a great, sodding mess I've made of it all… He sat there for a few more minutes, but when he didn't hear anything from upstairs he decided to leave. He went to see the only person he knew could make him feel any better about the situation.
~ ~ ~ ~
It only took him about 15 minutes to reach her place. He knocked and waited patiently for her to answer the door. Finally, the door opened. "Hey Niblet, I know the tiny bit's probably already sleeping, but I just had to see her for a minute."
Dawn was shocked to see him, but invited him into her suite quickly. "Spike, you look horrible. What happened? I was sure that you and Buffy would be, um… busy tonight. What with me keeping Maggie and all."
"Yeah, Bit, I'm in a bit of trouble with big sis. Can I just see Maggie, then I'll tell you everything?"
"Sure, Spike. She's in my bedroom. Come on…"
Spike followed Dawn down the little hallway into her room, wondering how she managed to have such a nice room all to herself. He'd have to ask her about this later. They went into her room, and Maggie was sleeping soundly, tucked into the covers of Dawn's bed. Spike sat gently on the edge of the bed, trying hard not to wake her. When he reached out to tuck a loose curl behind her ear, though, her eyes opened, and she warily looked around to see who had woken her.
"Daddy…" she sleepily said. "Why are you here?"
He managed a smile, while gently running a finger down her cheek. "I just missed you, baby. I wanted to come and tell you goodnight."
"Oh," she said, as she sat up. "I missed you too." She crawled into his lap, and loosely wrapped her arms around his neck, before kissing him on the cheek. She yawned, and rubbed her sleepy eyes. "Will you hold me until I fall asleep again? If you do, the monsters won't come."
Spike grinned at her, and shifted her weight so she could rest her head on his shoulder. "I will hold you as long as you want, sweetie. And I'll always be here to chase the monsters from your dreams."
"Good."
Before long, Spike heard her breathing even out, and knew that his daughter was asleep again. He gingerly put her back down on Dawn's bed, and tucked her back in. Finally, he joined Dawn back in her living room, and sat with her on the sofa. He told her the whole story of where he'd been, and what had just happened with Buffy.
"Spike, I just can't believe that Giles would do something like that." She noticed when Spike snapped his eyes up to look at her, and decided she should correct what she's just said. "Not that I'm saying I don't believe you… because I do. It's just… how could he at least not tell you about Maggie? I can see why Buffy's so upset. But I don't think she's angry with you, so much as disappointed that you didn't ask about her sooner."
"But , Bit, you know how she treated me before I left. I just figured that she still hated me. I honestly thought that she did, and my plan was to come back here and show her how I'd changed… try to win her back. I had no idea she wasn't going to need some major convincing."
"Yeah, well, I think Giles should have told you. And whether you protested or not, he should have told Buffy. It would have saved both of you years of loneliness and heartache if he had."
Spike thought about Dawn's last statement. Buffy had been lonely while he was gone? Had she really missed him from the beginning? He sighed. "I just don't know where to turn. I still love her so much, and I just want to make everything right. What am I supposed to do now?"
"Well, I think you should go back to Buffy's, and just be there for her when she's ready to talk. She can't give you the silent treatment forever. Sleep in my old room again and maybe in the morning she'll be ready to talk to you."
"Yeah, I guess that does sound like an ok plan. It's late, I should probably let you get some sleep, Bit."
"Ok. I have a meeting in the morning with my boss and some other girls from the dorm. But I can keep Maggie as long as you need me to…no classes tomorrow. So tell Buffy to just call me whenever and I'll bring her home."
"Will do, Bit. Wait- your boss? Who do you work for, Nibblet?"
"Oh, I'm the dorm director's assistant. That's how I get this posh little suite in this building." She said with a chuckle. "They pay a nice chunk of my tuition, too, which is really nice."
"Huh. My Nibblet's all grown up and in charge of others. Who'd have ever guessed?" He mused as a smirk found its way to his lips.
Dawn hugged him. "It's good to have you back, Spike. Now go make things right with my sister."
+ + + +
Buffy cringed when she slammed her door, forgetting how harsh the wood could sound as it cracked against the doorframe. She could feel hot angry tears welling up in her eyes, but willed herself not to cry. She sat on her bed and listened for any signs of movement downstairs; if she was honest with herself she would have admitted that she was waiting for Spike to follow her and try to work things out.
She was disappointed when she heard the front door click shut, followed by the great roar of the engine in Spike's old car as he sped away down the street. Buffy felt utterly defeated, not really knowing where to begin to fix the mess that had been created that afternoon. Well, she thought wryly, I sent Spike away, I might as well start with the person who's available…
She picked up the phone and dialed the number that , over the years, she had committed to memory. On the third ring she noticed the time, and laughed bitterly to herself. It was the middle of the night in England, and Buffy didn't really care that she would be waking Giles at such a horrible hour.
After a small click and a rather cordial greeting Buffy began speaking to the answering machine that was suddenly quite offensive to her. "Giles. Pick up the phone, I know it's the middle of the night there and I know you're home. So pick up. We need to talk- right now."
A sleepy British accent sounded over the line, sounding partially confused, but also a little bit defensive. "Buffy, good Lord, what is the meaning of all of this? What's so important that you couldn't wait until morning to call me?"
She could practically hear him cleaning his glasses as she began to talk to him, trying her best not to loose her cool. "Oh, I don't know, Giles. How about the fact that Maggie shouldn't have had to miss the last five years with her father, always wondering where he was and why he didn't come to see her? Is that important enough for you?"
"So, I take it Spike has been there, then?"
"Yes, Giles. He's been here for a couple of days. Maggie is just ecstatic that he's here. So it really is true, then, You knew all along where he was and never even mentioned to me that you could help me find him?"
"Buffy, you have to understand…"
"No, Giles. I don't have to understand anything. You knew how desperately I wanted to find him, to tell him about Maggie and have my family together. And you knew where he was, and could have told either him or me so that could have happened, yet you didn't. I can't believe you did this to me, Giles."
"Buffy, I didn't do anything to you. I was trying to do something for you. He came to me seeking answers, and wanting desperately to be able to protect you. He didn't want there to be any chance that he'd hurt you. We've all seen quite a change in Spike, and I was trying to help him become the person he thought you deserved. I'm sorry if you think that my motives were less than honorable in keeping a confidence for him."
Buffy sighed. "You know, that's basically what he said to me. I'm just still having a hard time with all of this, Giles. I mean, Spike didn't know about Maggie, so he had no real reason to come rushing back to me. I certainly hadn't given him any real reasons before he left. But you knew… you knew the whole story and didn't tell him. I'm not so angry anymore, Giles, just hurt."
"Well, I'm sorry that I've hurt you Buffy. That was not my intent at all. I hope that once you take some time to think about this that you'll see that everything quite possibly is working out for the best."
"Maybe so. I have to go now. Maggie is at Dawn's and I need to call and check on her. Besides, its late. I'll talk to you soon. Good night Giles." She hung up the phone and sat back down on her bed. She thought about calling to check on Maggie, like she'd intended, but noticed the time and figured that she and Dawn would already be asleep.
Buffy curled up on her bed, staring out her window at the stars, and wondered what she should do. She couldn't really be mad at Spike. After talking to Giles she realized that he really did have her best interests in mind while he was gone, and she admired that he was trying so hard to be noble for her… for them, really. She still wasn't sure about Giles, though. That was a hurt that would take a lot longer to heal.
+ + + +
Note:
I promise there's more fluffy goodness on the way. Please don't give up on it :) It'll be in the next chapter, which will hopefully be later tonight…
