Ch 20: Something's off…
Buffy tossed and turned for a moment before finally opening her eyes and sighing heavily. Her eyes fell immediately to the moonlight and bright stars shining through her open window, and she thought how beautiful they were before confusion set in. Why was the window open? She never forgot to cover the windows at night; if she did Spike would be all dusty in the morning. Even more confusing was the fact that he was not laying next to her, and that in the pre-dawn darkness her room looked strange.
She sat up in bed, blinking as she looked around her room. Wait a minute, this is my old room. What's going on? She looked around and confirmed that she was indeed sitting in her bed, in her old room. Buffy snuck out into the hall, and peeked into the rooms next to hers. Dawn slept peacefully in her bed, and Willow was curled up under the covers in Joyce's old room. As Buffy walked back into her room, she tried desperately to figure out what was going on. Where were Maggie and Spike? Why were Dawn and Willow here? She didn't remember feeling this strange since just after the scare with the demon serum and the mental institution hallucinations.
Was I dreaming? Buffy flopped down on her bed, trying to make sense of what was happening. Everything had felt so real. Maggie was turning five years old, and Spike had just come home, and they were a happy family. Now she wakes up and not only are the two people she loved the most not there, but there was no evidence that it had ever been true.
The sudden, slight fluttering in her tummy brought everything crashing back into reality.
She rummaged through the drawer of her nightstand, picking out the worn and usually forgotten journal that she kept there. She looked from the last entry to the calendar that hung lopsided on her wall. Everything was clear as she read her journal through the tears that began to prickle at the back of her eyes. It had only been two days since she'd taken the pregnancy test, and she hadn't yet told any of her friends about it. She'd told them that she just wasn't feeling well, and had basically been sleeping in her room since the little white stick had mockingly stared back at her with a positive result. Today was April 1st, and Buffy knew that if she'd waited until today to take the test she would have sworn the result was the most horrible April Fools joke in the history of such pranks.
All of the feelings from her dream came flooding back to her, but the one that stuck out the most was the loneliness she'd felt without Spike. But then she realized that her feelings of loneliness weren't a dream. She had alienated Spike so many times that he was finally leaving her alone. She knew that he was still in Sunnydale, because Dawn had slipped up and mentioned going by the crypt to see him. But he was effectively ignoring Buffy. She put her hand over her stomach protectively, noticing that she was filling out a little bit, but not enough for anyone to notice just yet. "Don't worry, baby" she said, as she got up and got dressed, "I'm going to tell him, and you won't have to grow up with out him. I know he'll love you just like we dreamed."
+ + + + +
Buffy opened the door to Spike's crypt, a little out of breath from sprinting through the cemetery in the thick night air. Ok, baby, we're gonna have to discuss this getting winded thing. It doesn't really work with the whole slayer calling. She called out for Spike, but eventually saw no signs that he was there. She crept down to the lower level, and instantly felt bad when she surveyed the remnants of the damage left over from the explosion a few weeks earlier. He had cleaned up part of the debris, but the bed was still pretty damaged, and black smoke stains covered the stone walls. She picked up a few candles and sat them on and old dresser that stood in the corner of the room, only partially charred by the blast. She looked down at the rug she was standing on, noticing how it was all but destroyed. Just a few weeks earlier, she had complimented that same rug, commenting on how nice Spike had managed to make the place. That was all gone now, she mused, as she climbed the ladder back to the upper level.
She wandered around for a few minutes, wondering where Spike could be. Buffy finally sat down and switched on his tv, deciding to wait for him to come back, but her mind just couldn't concentrate on the countless infomercials that graced the screen in the early morning hours. Her thoughts drifted to the very vivid dream she'd just had, and she suddenly realized what scared her the most. There was a chance that Spike would leave. He always told her he wouldn't, but she still didn't feel confident enough to think that he wouldn't ever leave her. Where is this coming from? This is Spike. What would it matter if he really left? But she knew that was a loaded question, and one that begged an answer.
She'd been trying from the very beginning to deny that she had any feelings for Spike at all. Now, she knew that she felt something, but she still just wasn't sure what those feelings were, if she was really ready to admit them, and how much they were being affected by her present condition. She'd heard that pregnant women got all hormonal and emotional… could her judgment be clouded? Even so, Buffy found herself in a predicament. What if her dream came true… what if she didn't tell Spike about the baby right away and he left town and she had to raise the baby all alone? On the other hand, what if she told him and his reaction was still the same? All of the worrying about his reaction and the reaction of all of her friends was taking its toll on Buffy, and she finally let the soft glow and hum of the infomercial soothe her into a troubled sleep.
Spike wandered through the tunnels and into the crypt, cursing the swimminess he felt in his near-drunk state, deciding he hadn't drank nearly enough to dull the pain of Buffy's most recent rejection. All thoughts of not being drunk enough left his mind as he registered the sounds of the tv coming from upstairs. He climbed the stairs, distinctly remembering turning the set off before he left.
He stopped in his tracks when he advanced closer and saw the slayer curled up in his chair, sleeping fitfully while the loud man on the telly raved about getting red wine and grape juice out of your laundry. She didn't look peaceful at all, and his heart nearly broke when he saw the anguish that crossed her features. Nearly. Until he began to wonder what would possess her to come to his crypt in the wee hours of morning. Probably came for another round of kick-the-Spike, he thought ruefully. But, something wasn't right. He was close enough to her now that he could hear her heartbeat if he was quiet enough, and it sounded off. Like it was normal at first but then had these fast little trippy sounds underneath. She looked pale, but not really sickly. In fact, he thought she wasn't looking as skinny as she had a few weeks ago, but she looked so tired, even in her sleep, that he wondered what was up with the slayer.
He wouldn't have to wonder for long.
A particularly vivid image of Spike walking away penetrated her sleepy mind, and her eyes snapped open when the pain gripped her heart. She looked up and saw Spike standing over her, regarding her presence with a skepticism that was purely his. She sat up, pushing her hair out of her face and attempting an explanation.
"Spike, you're back. I was beginning to wonder if you were coming back at all. I mean, not that it's any of my business, of course, but I just wondered…" she cursed herself when she realized she was babbling. She rolled her eyes and looked away as he stepped back and shook his head.
"Did you need something, Slayer?"
He noticed that she flinched, and her voice sounded way too tiny when she said, "Please don't call me that."
He tilted his head and quirked his eyebrow, wondering where all this vulnerability was coming from. "Ok…. Buffy. Did you need something?"
She finally raised her eyes to meet his again, and took a deep breath to bolster some confidence. Out with it, Buffy. Just tell him what you came here to tell him and get it over with. What's the worst that will happen? He won't believe you and you'll find the information to make him believe and all will be well. "Um, I.. um, I need to tell you something, Spike. And I need to know that you'll hear me out and give me a chance to explain."
"Look, Buffy. If you're here to remind me about how we're over, then you can stop now. I've heard this tune so many times that I've memorized it."
"No, Spike, this is important. Well, it's important to me anyway, and I hope it will be important to you." She said, before her thoughts took a nosedive and she started babbling again. " I mean, I think you'll think it's important, and just please don't leave again, because I don't think I could take that feeling again and having to explain to her where you were and why you left us, and…."
"Buffy!" Her eyes snapped up at his tone when he interrupted her. "What the bleeding hell are you going on about? Just spit it out already. I've got things to do."
Something in his tone pushed her over the edge, and she was acutely aware of how he must have felt all those times that she dismissed him without a second thought. She decided to stop beating around the bush and just tell him. "I'm pregnant Spike."
His eyes grew as wide as saucers as he considered for a second that the child was his. But then reality set in and he remembered that he wasn't 'set up' for children. He was about to shoot back some clever quip when Buffy cut him off. "I know that right now you probably don't think it's yours, but it can't be anyone else's. And you'd know that if you stop and think for a half a second."
Her eyes were pleading with him to believe her. "But, I can't… vampires can't…." He sighed at his lack of eloquence. "You know this Buffy. Children aren't possible with vampires."
"Yeah, under normal circumstances," she calmly replied. "But Spike, we live on the Hellmouth and our circumstances are hardly normal."
He sat down with a huff on the stone sarcophagus in the center of the room. Buffy crossed the room and stood in front of him, looking at him and silently asking him to believe her. "I know this is pretty unbelievable, Spike. But I'm pretty sure that I can figure it all out in the next couple of days. Will you just promise me that you won't leave until then? Just please say that you won't leave me. I don't think I can do this by myself."
Spike's brow creased as one eyebrow rose in confusion. He took a chance and reached out for her; surprised when she willingly went into his arms. "Hey now, Love, what makes you think that I'll be leaving anytime soon? Haven't you told me on countless occasions to get out of town?" She nodded against his chest. "And how many times have I obeyed?" She looked up at him and grinned before settling back into his embrace.
He held her for a long moment, enjoying the feeling of having her willingly in his arms. It was then that he realized what was odd about her earlier. It wasn't her heartbeat that sounded strange; it was the baby's that he was hearing, fluttering beneath hers. Buffy started to fidget in his arms, and he tried to still her.
"Spike, this isn't the most comfortable position I'm standing in."
"Well, we can fix that." He swooped Buffy up into his arms before she even had a chance to protest, and carried her with him over to the chair she'd been occupying earlier. "Better, Love?" he asked, once they were settled with Buffy securely perched in his lap.
To his surprise, she snuggled further into his embrace and laid her head on his shoulder. "Yeah, that's better," she sighed.
"Good, now stop your squirming so I can hear my little girls heart beating."
"How do you know it's a girl?" Buffy whispered, her breath tickling his neck and making him almost groan.
"I just know, Pet. What made you think I'd leave?"
"I just had this dream, that was part bad, and part good."
"Want to tell me about it?" He asked, trying really hard to concentrate on anything other than the way her breath felt on his neck, or the way her fingers were absently exploring his chest.
"In a minute." She replied, while lazily raising her head to look at him. Her tired, hazel eyes met his brilliant blue ones, and she knew that she couldn't push her feelings away any longer. She loved this man, and didn't want to spend another moment with out him. And she certainly didn't want to wait until their daughter's fifth birthday to tell him. She reached her hand up and ran her thumb across the sharp plane of his cheekbone, gently bringing his face closer to hers. His expression drifted back to confused, until they were within a breath of each other. When she closed the distance between them and kissed him, he was completely shocked. It took him a moment to register what was going on before he responded, kissing her back but keeping the pace slow and gentle. "There's something else I want to tell you before I tell you all about the dream."
He smiled at her; a genuine smile free from innuendo or sarcasm. "And what's that, Pet?"
"I think I'm falling in love with you."
