NEVER SAY GOODBYE
The room was small, no more than sixteen square meters in total. Everything in it was constructed of raw pine – the floor, the ceiling, the walls and window frame, as well as the few pieces of furniture that it possessed, a single bed and one lonely chair by it.
The sun was setting, casting a reddish orange glow over the room. The pine filled the small space with a sweet, faint yet consistent scent.
All was quiet.
There were two figures in the room, one tall and majestic, with silver white hair trailing far longer than his full height as he stood at the window, gazing out at the setting sun. His silvery purple eyes giving an ironically blended glow of dark blue and fiery red as they reflected the suns rays. He was completely clad in white, with a cape, his feet were bare, and on his back was a pair of white feathery wings. An angel's wings.
He was Yue, the guardian of the moon.
The other figure, the one lying on the bed, had short dark hair and a sharp profile. Though his eyes were closed and he appeared pale and weak, his features were still striking and attractive.
He was Touya, the older brother of Yue's master Sakura.
Sakura and Touya, the Kinomoto siblings. They were the center of Yue's world. The former he would protect with his life. And the other…was the love of his life.
No, Yue corrected himself; Touya wasn't just the love of his life. Touya IS his life
"If it hadn't been for him" Yue reflected, "I wouldn't be here, I would have ceased to exist" He wouldn't die, Guardians never died, they simply faded into nothing when the energy source they relied on wasn't strong enough to support their existence.
"How close was I" Yue remembered with a shudder. "Yukito had already started to fade…if it wasn't for…"
Turning from the window to look at the youth on the bed, Yue felt a surge of emotion – guilt, shame, misery, helplessness, frustration…all intertwined with the sense of bittersweet love.
"I did not think it would come to this To-ya, I never guessed…I never guessed it would do this to you" He closed his eyes in pain "I utilized your love for Yukito to secure my own existence…"
Tsukishiro Yukito, the moon guardian's "disguised" form. Touya loved him; everyone did, it was almost impossible not to be attracted to the grey haired, good natured, perpetually smiling boy with the huge wire rimmed glasses. Yes, it was Yuki Touya had wanted to save. Yue just used that love to his own advantage.
"My own worthless existence" Yue cursed himself "He is human, I am not. He has a family whom he loved and loves him, I'm not even certain if I am real! But I swear, at the time I knew nothing of this, I never guessed it would come to this!"
No, he never knew, he had believed that once Sakura's magic was powerful enough, he'd automatically transfer to her as the source of energy, that was the way it was meant to have been if she had not been too young and too inexperienced. Yue always assumed he'd stop drawing Touya's magic once Sakura was strong enough and Touya would eventually revive his own powers.
He had never thought otherwise.
But it didn't happen that way.
Sakura did keep growing stronger, although she was still nowhere as powerful as Clow once was, her strength and ability were astonishing for her age. Yet, Yue continued to use Touya as the source of energy, he couldn't change it, he didn't know how, he never thought he would have to, just took it for granted that it would occur on its own.
Yue had panicked, it was one of the few moments in his life he ever felt so panicked. Not even when Windy defied his command during Sakura's judgment and locked him in her swirls did he feel panic, only betrayal. Only when he realized Clow was really going to leave him to a new master did he ever feel such a sense of helplessness.
He had to turn to Eriol - Clow's half reincarnation, for answers. But even then he was bitterly disappointed.
"I can tell you what will happen if this situation draws on" He had said "But not even I can correct this or know of the cause."
"But you must!" Sakura had exclaimed at this "You must know! You created him! You must know what is happening and why…" as a desperate plea she had blurted out "You're Clow Reed!"
The look on Eriol's face then was one so serious it looked almost unnatural, considering the usual smile he wore. But now his eyes were overcast, and something in them told Yue that whatever it was that's going to happen, it's going to hurt him greatly.
"Sakura you must understand" Eriol had replied in a gentle but serious tone "I am not Clow, he was reborn as two, you're the daughter of one of them, my powers now are no stronger than that of your father, and I really have no control of what may happen to the creations of Clow, I couldn't' stop Yue falling in love with the wrong person nor can I correct what is happening now" He paused "Only the mistress can"
The glow in Sakura's eyes at that moment had broken Yue's heart. In her innocence she had believed there would be hope, that she'd be able to save them. She was still too young to see the sad light in Eriol's eyes that told plainly there was no hope.
"When you grow strong enough Sakura, you will find the way to help them" Eriol had finished off quietly. Not even he had the courage to break the hard truth to her.
It was only later, when he was alone with Yue and Touya that he revealed the worst.
"How long would it take her?" Touya had demanded, he had been surprisingly calm over the whole incident, as if the situation didn't even affect him.
"Too long to save you Touya" Eriol had replied with sincere sorrow and regret in his voice "Far too long"
Yue could still remember his shock, his had blanked out for a split second, he had not felt pain because it had all come too fast, but he could not breathe, nor think, nor react. He could not accept it as truth. But Clow's reincarnation would never lie for the sake of it. No matter how much Yue wanted to disregard it as a joke he knew it was impossible.
"What's going to happen to me?" Touya had asked, still calm despite a trimmer of fear in his voice.
"At the present stage you still have some power, enough for you to still be able to sense things beyond natural beings, of course not as sensitively as it used to be but still…" paused "Soon Yue will take all of that. Then once the magical energy is gone completely, he will start taking your physical energy."
"What does that mean?" Touya asked, wishing Eriol would quit wording it so it sounds like it was totally Yue's fault.
"You will be more tired more often, and soon you'd have no strength, your systems will shut down and eventually…." He trailed off.
"I'm going to die?" Touya swallowed hard before asking.
"Your body will yes, but spiritually YOU will become a part of HIM" Eriol gestured at the collapsed figure of the angel at Touya's side. Yue had long since lost the ability to react, he couldn't understand how Touya could act so calm at the things Eriol was telling him.
"I figured something like that" Touya replied. Bending down he put his arm around the shocked stiff moon guardian whose beautiful feline eyes where blank and almost lifeless, as if he had already died. "I'll only be closer to you Yue, and to Yuki too" he whispered.
Yue was still unable to respond, the enormous sense of guilt had taken his voice and his ability to think.
"Sakura can't know" Touya stood up again "I don't want her to know until it's absolutely necessary, she would probably do something too drastic…" He was still thinking of his beloved little sister, despite the fact she was more powerful than he was.
"I agree with you" Eriol replied "She should not have to suffer, but I don't see how we can stop her from knowing…"
Touya was thoughtful for a while "I can still hold out a fair while I think…when the time comes that I feel it's going to be too hard…I will leave, with Yuki"
Yue finally looked up "To-ya…you're just…going to accept this? aren't you scared? Worried?"
Touya glanced down "I need to protect Sakura, that's my main priority in every action, what happens to me is of no consequence as long as she's safe…"
Turning back to Eriol he continued "I will leave with Yuki and…leave her…"
In the small pine room, Yue choked back tears, keeping his back stiff against the window pane, Touya and Sakura, how could he tear them apart like that? He took away his mistresses brother, how could he have done that?
Sakura…Yue repeated the name to himself. How many years has he know her? It's being almost a decade since he was first forced to yield to the little ten year old magician. How much she has changed, but more importantly, how much she hasn't! Still the warm hearted, often clueless maiden.
All went according to the way Touya had said. During that time, Yue hardly awoke, he preferred to remain asleep, let the unknowing Yukito live these few months. He only realized after they left Eriol how frightened he was. How terrified he was of the day that Touya would tell him "I need to leave her now, I'm going"
But the day did come, and all too soon. Touya had called him from within Yukito and whispered "Yue, it's time" At that moment, Yue's world collapsed.
The day they left, that was the last time Yue saw Sakura, Touya had told her that he would be "somewhere that would make the time a little easier, where I can be stronger and lengthen my time so that you will have enough time to grow strong" Sakura had believed him, completely, which only made Yue feel worse.
His last view of her, as the taxi was pulling away from her house was still so clear in his memory. In the years that had passed she had become a tall, slender young woman. Her auburn hair had grown out past her shoulders and was held high on the back of her head with a pink ribbon – even at nineteen her favorite color was still pink. She had on a pink tank top and blue jeans. Simple yet it brought out her charm. She had waved so cheerfully, not doubting for a second her brother will be back.
Next to her, with his arm protectively around her waist, was her fiancé of five years – Li Syaoran. He too had grown up to become quite an impressive looking youth. He was half a head taller than Sakura, and his chestnut brown hair ruffled gently in the wind, In a navy T shirt and flaring cargo pants, he suited Sakura perfectly. Touya had never liked him "He's taking away something that's precious to me" he had explained to Yuki. But recently he had the first ever heart to heart talk with Syaoran, requesting of him "take care of her for me". Syaoran was at first wary, then confused, but when he discovered the truth (they thought it was only fair he should know first to be able to comfort Sakura later) he was moved, and, just like Yue had so long ago, vowed to protect her with his own life.
Behind them stood three more figures. The first, in a lavender singlet top and denim shorts, was Li's first cousin Meiling. She had matured a lot over the years, and had transformed from the whining little brat to a gracefully athletic young woman. Her long black hair now cut short to her ears, and her large amber eyes glowing with a sense of understanding.
Next to her stood Tomoyo, Sakura's best friend for the past ten years. If Sakura and Meiling had grown up beautiful, Tomoyo was a masterpiece. She was slightly shorter than the other two, but her figure was much more womanly and the simple white dress she was wearing depicted that perfectly. Her ebony hair flowed well beyond her waist, and she gave the air of an angel.
The last figure was that of Fujitaka, Touya and Sakura's father. He hardly aged over the years, and still wore that same smile so characteristic of him, and of Eriol in fact, they were after all, halves of the same person.
The three of them stood behind Syaoran and Sakura, and they had waved so enthusiastically, Sakura yelling out promises of when they'll meet again. It broke Yuki's heart, and Yue's too…
Yue shook his head, and the vivid image of that last view of the people so dear to him, to Touya and to Yuki, faded, he again focused his attention to the figure on the bed.
He was obviously in a lot of pain, Yue could tell from the abrupt fits that caused Touya's body to twist wretchedly, but somehow his face was peaceful. His body may be suffering but spiritually he was at ease. That was some comfort to Yue, to know that at least Touya's suffering did not destory his inner peace.
How was he going to break this to Sakura? Yue asked himself, he had always avoided bringing up the question with himself, much less with Touya. He did not want to accept the fact he was going to die, for real. When it first started it hardly showed, Touya may have been a bit worn out , but it's been like that for a long time, so Yue was able to somehow push it away and ignore it. But then, Touya became more tired more frequently, and soon he was unable to eat or drink and seemed to be sleeping endlessly.
Yue had to come to terms with the truth, and the consequences of it all. The most important being how he was going to break the news to Sakura and so far, he had found no answers.
Suddenly, Touya stirred, gently moaning. To him, waking up was almost cruel, it made him aware of his physical pain. Almost as soon as he became conscious, he would feel bursts of pain throughout his body. They came fast and relentless, each spasm stronger than the one before it, and only subsiding after reaching a climax. If he had the strength to he would have cried out, screamed at the top of his lungs in desperate pain. But his body was too weak, although he felt as if he was screaming, all that came out was a low moan.
Yue knelt at his side, holding one of his hands in both of his own, wishing with all his might that he could do the suffering for him. "I took your powers, I took your strength, I took your LIFE, the least I could do is take your pain too"
At length, the painful jerking of Touya's body stopped and he lay limply on the bed, exhausted and panting for breath.
"To-ya…" Yue began, not sure whether he was able to even hear him "I'm so sorry"
Touya's eyes, which had being closed for the exhaustion and pain, now opened in an instant "Don't you dare…" he whispered "Don't you dare repeat that ever again"
Yue lowered his head on to Touya's chest, feeling his unsteady breath and heartbeat, he couldn't reply, he wanted to apologize over and over, to give his life to him, to say that he would rather have dissolved into nothing rather than having to encounter this.
But Touya wouldn't want to hear any of that and he knew it, he had told him, right after they discovered the terrible truth "I know you feel guilty, and you'd probably give me your life if it were possible, but I don't want that, I want Yuki to live on, I want YOU to go on, Sakura needs you, you're her guardian, and I need to know that you and Yuki will be fine…don't feel guilty Yue, it wasn't your fault, no one would have known…You couldn't have known, I don't want you to live your life with a burden on your shoulders, if you look after Sakura and Yuki you would have more than repaid me…don't feel guilty, I don't want you to live with misery… because I love you too much, I never want you to suffer…ever…"
"I wish I never accepted her" he whispered "I wish I had forced her to destroy me…if it weren't for her I wouldn't know feelings, I've only ever loved Clow, but that was nothing like this, it was nothing so painful…when he said he was going to die I didn't even feel this way… he never allowed me to gain any TRUE feeling…it was Sakura...it was her and all her talk of being friends and then all your talk of love…you broke me To-ya, you broke my shield and invaded my soul…I never knew I had these feelings, and I would've been glad to stay without them…"
He cut off when he felt Touya's hand gently stroking his hair, almost caressing the silver gossamer like threads. Yue lifted his head and helped Touya into a sitting position…well, not really sitting, he was actually leaning on his arm and wing.
"Years ago" Touya began after a while "When Kaho left me, I felt betrayed and abandoned, I felt she had played me for a fool, as if she was never serious with me. She knew from the start there would be no future with us. I couldn't believe that anyone would begin a relationship knowing when it will end, but that is what she did, and I eventually came to accept it, even be thankful, because if it were not for that, I would never have known Yuki"
Yue listened silently, not knowing why Touya was relating all this.
"When Clow left you, so long ago, you didn't really realize what had happened because your memories were altered and re written to suit his purpose, but then you still felt he had abandoned you…we were both abandoned souls, unable to let go…"
Yue was still confused at all this, why was he telling him this now?
"But then you met me, well, Yuki did anyway but you two are the same person now… almost, and I know you were able to love again, as I was, much as you don't want to admit it, you do have love within you, it was an emotion waiting to be awakened, and I was able to do that" He smiled weakly "I consider that quite an achievement whether you do or not…
…So I think perhaps it was almost meant to be that we were abandoned, it was fate, that's all, and I know it has something planned for all of us, even if it may seem something horrible at the time, after a while we begin to appreciate what has come of it…"
"NO!" Yue exclaimed, gripping Touya's hand with his free one "If you're trying to say that I will appreciate this one day you're out of your mind, how can I ever be thankful that you're leaving me? That for the second time in my life, the one whom I love most is…" he stopped abruptly, suddenly realizing what he just uttered.
Touya tried his best to laugh "Victory!" He said "Yue has finally admitted his love for me…it would've been my dying wish otherwise"
Immediately Touya regretted his choice of words, he felt the shoulder he was leaning on drop heavily, and the feathers on the wing harden at those words.
"You always knew To-ya" Yue replied in a low, tired voice "You've always known you were most important person in the world to Yuki…"
"Yes…to Yuki…" Touya repeated, almost disappointed, "I guess to you I'm just a responsibility, you feel guilty about what's happening, you're trapped here due to your own guilt...well I don't want that" he continued, almost angrily "You must be tired of all this, you can leave Yue…"
"To-ya!" Yue cried painfully "You know that's not true! Being with you is the most important thing in my life right now, I will never be tired of it…"
"I don't want to trap you here" Touya stressed "I want you to be free, only because I love you, I don't' want to think that you're here out of your will, that you are bound by a guilty conscience..."
"That's not true! You know it's not!" Yue choked, how could Touya accuse him of such things?
"What is it then?! Why are you still here if it's only Yuki who cares?"
"That is not true! I do care!"
"You care about keeping your promise, you care about being true, you…"
"I care because I love you!!"
