Penance

By Miss Becky

Disclaimer: I do not own either of these characters.

Summary: Spoilers for 7.2. What happens after in the church.

Rating: G

Author's Note: I can't get the ending of that episode out of my mind. I wrote this as a way of trying to bring some closure to one of the most heart-breaking things I have ever seen on Buffy.

Feedback: is always craved. Review or write me at beckyg19@yahoo.com

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He has gotten his soul back.

The only thing it cost him was his sanity.

She wonders, if he was lucid enough, if she was to ask him, would he say it was worth it?

When it became clear he would stand there all night hugging that cross, she pulled him down, her skin crawling with horror. She threw him across the room, and he crumpled to the floor without a sound. She stalked over to him and stared down at him, and he just lay there, too broken to even look at her.

Now she is sitting, watching over him, to be honest, because it is obvious that she cannot leave. Not now. If she goes, he will try something else, some twisted new penance. Drink the holy water, maybe.

He lays there, his eyes closed, the burn on his chest livid with pain. She thinks maybe she should offer to comfort him. That if she let him, he would crawl to her and put his head in her lap, let her stroke his hair.

But maybe not. He is trying to punish himself for all the things he has done in his life, starting and ending with hurting her.

She finds she is willing to help him with this.

A soul. She still can hardly comprehend it. He got his soul back. All for her.

He lost his mind. All for her.

She will never love him, she knows this. Every day she repeats it to herself, a mantra that guides her, reminds her of all he is and what he did to her. All summer long she said it, so that she would not wonder where he was, and if he was ever coming back.

She can never love him, not even with his soul. Even though her heart twists to see the desperate pain in his eyes. Even though his mind is shattered. Even though he knows this, but can do nothing about it.

Even knowing that he did it all for her.

She should just get up and leave. Walk out of the church and never come back. What does she care if he dusts himself?

But if she goes, he could lay here all night, and when dawn comes, he might smile tiredly and greet it with open arms. And although she can never love him, will never love him, she cannot let that happen to him. She is responsible for him now, and what he has become, whether she likes it or not.

So she clears her throat, and stands up. She will make him leave, pummel him by force if necessary. He won't fight her. He will never again lift a hand against her, she knows that. She can do whatever she wants to him now, and he won't defend himself.

This knowledge brings her no joy.

She looks down at him, and still she wants to know. She wants to ask. He did it all for her and she knows this, but what she really wants to know is, was it worth it?

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END