Disclaimer -
I don't own X or any of the characters therein and/or mentioned in this story, that all is owned by CLAMP, Kadokawa Shoten and associated companies, etc blah blah. I'm not making any money by having written this, I don't want any money even though I have no money (so don't sue me).
Author's notes -
This is not my first fanfic. I've written before, but I haven't posted anything anywhere except for this. This has been posted on the cffml, too.
Also, english isn't my first language, but I do think I can claim to be quite good at it.
This might be fanon to some extent, but I wouldn't say it's OOC, and well, all fanfiction *is* fanon to some extent, as I see it.
On the japanese used:
The title translates as "to forget". "Wasuretai" means "I want to forget" and "wasuretakunai" would be "I don't want to forget". Together that forms a 'line' in the Dir en grey song "Garden", which I sort of got the idea from. Otherwise there's no fangirl japanese.
And otherwise I don't know anything else to say.
Feedback is appreciated, but my life isn't depending on it. ^_~
Wasuretai, wasuretakunai...
I really like Kamui a lot, and I know that he feels very much for me. More
than I could ever feel for him. That's why I would never want to hurt his
feelings, because I know just how much that can hurt.
If the circumstances are as bad as ours, it's even worse.
I also know that what I do is wrong.
And in the end will only lead to what I tried to prevail.
I confess that I'm only out of compassion in a relationship with Kamui.
It hurts me to see how he thinks my feelings are real.
It hurts me to see how he thinks I've gotten over Seishirou.
And how he's happy for me that I seemingly have.
Despite all that I can't act differently, and I don't even know why.
Deep inside of me I know that that could never happen. That I could -never-
get over Seishirou. Not even after his death.
Especially not after his death, since it was me who has killed him.
I drift off into thoughts about Seishirou again, and why it had to be me. I
learnt about that 'rule' only after his death, of course; the rule that the
Sakurazukamori is to be killed by the person he loves most.
And that this person is going to be the next.
Always that tormenting question. Why? Why me? Why... did he claim right up
to his death that he didn't feel anything? For anyone?
These questions form an endlessly ongoing downward spiral within my
thoughts.
Wasuretai, wasuretakunai...
Even after his death he torments me. I guess that's the ultimate evil.
And again I ask myself a nearly endless row of questions.
Why do I have to have feelings for him? Why do I love a... cold-blooded
killer?
No, it has to be 'why did I love'. He's not alive anymore.
The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes and makes my throat hurt.
I thought I couldn't feel like that anymore. Thought I would have left
it behind long ago. I deceived myself again.
That's what I have always been good at. Lying to myself and others.
But I feel a lot. Sorrow, sheer rage, desperation, even hatred. And still
there's a part of me who loves him as much as nine years ago.
And I'm afraid. Afraid of the things that might be. Afraid of killing.
Afraid of myself, of my feelings. Afraid of the things I might do to others.
Especially to him, especially to Kamui.
I don't own X or any of the characters therein and/or mentioned in this story, that all is owned by CLAMP, Kadokawa Shoten and associated companies, etc blah blah. I'm not making any money by having written this, I don't want any money even though I have no money (so don't sue me).
Author's notes -
This is not my first fanfic. I've written before, but I haven't posted anything anywhere except for this. This has been posted on the cffml, too.
Also, english isn't my first language, but I do think I can claim to be quite good at it.
This might be fanon to some extent, but I wouldn't say it's OOC, and well, all fanfiction *is* fanon to some extent, as I see it.
On the japanese used:
The title translates as "to forget". "Wasuretai" means "I want to forget" and "wasuretakunai" would be "I don't want to forget". Together that forms a 'line' in the Dir en grey song "Garden", which I sort of got the idea from. Otherwise there's no fangirl japanese.
And otherwise I don't know anything else to say.
Feedback is appreciated, but my life isn't depending on it. ^_~
Wasuretai, wasuretakunai...
I really like Kamui a lot, and I know that he feels very much for me. More
than I could ever feel for him. That's why I would never want to hurt his
feelings, because I know just how much that can hurt.
If the circumstances are as bad as ours, it's even worse.
I also know that what I do is wrong.
And in the end will only lead to what I tried to prevail.
I confess that I'm only out of compassion in a relationship with Kamui.
It hurts me to see how he thinks my feelings are real.
It hurts me to see how he thinks I've gotten over Seishirou.
And how he's happy for me that I seemingly have.
Despite all that I can't act differently, and I don't even know why.
Deep inside of me I know that that could never happen. That I could -never-
get over Seishirou. Not even after his death.
Especially not after his death, since it was me who has killed him.
I drift off into thoughts about Seishirou again, and why it had to be me. I
learnt about that 'rule' only after his death, of course; the rule that the
Sakurazukamori is to be killed by the person he loves most.
And that this person is going to be the next.
Always that tormenting question. Why? Why me? Why... did he claim right up
to his death that he didn't feel anything? For anyone?
These questions form an endlessly ongoing downward spiral within my
thoughts.
Wasuretai, wasuretakunai...
Even after his death he torments me. I guess that's the ultimate evil.
And again I ask myself a nearly endless row of questions.
Why do I have to have feelings for him? Why do I love a... cold-blooded
killer?
No, it has to be 'why did I love'. He's not alive anymore.
The mere thought of it brings tears to my eyes and makes my throat hurt.
I thought I couldn't feel like that anymore. Thought I would have left
it behind long ago. I deceived myself again.
That's what I have always been good at. Lying to myself and others.
But I feel a lot. Sorrow, sheer rage, desperation, even hatred. And still
there's a part of me who loves him as much as nine years ago.
And I'm afraid. Afraid of the things that might be. Afraid of killing.
Afraid of myself, of my feelings. Afraid of the things I might do to others.
Especially to him, especially to Kamui.
