Yugi drags D to the Writer's Cafe for her birthday, and that's where the fun stuff starts...
This gets weird and somewhat disgusting at the end. If you're a fan of bathroom humor, go right ahead. Otherwise...well, no one's forcing you to read it, and I am warning you.
Big Birthday Burrito
By XMAN0123
------------
"Yugi, NO! I don't wanna go! This is stupid!"
"It is NOT stupid," Yugi replied, tightening her grip on D's hand. "Anyway, you'll have fun. Nate said so."
"Then why isn't HE here?" she demanded.
"He's going to meet us there. Will you stop trying to escape already?"
D finally gave up two minutes later and allowed Yugi to drag her up the sidewalk, until they reached the neon sign, which proudly proclaimed, "The Writer's Cafe!" Underneath that, in slightly smaller letters, were the words, "Muses Welcome!"
"See? We're welcome!" Yugi stated proudly.
"I still wanna go home," D muttered.
"Stop complaining. We haven't even gone inside yet."
"If we leave now, I might forgive you before my next birthday."
Yugi rolled her eyes. "We're going in, D. Now shut up and look cute."
D groaned and gave her a pleading look. "What'd I ever do...to...you?" She stopped whining when she spotted the wooden boy just outside the door. He was staring intently at a clipboard in his left hand, going over some kind of list with a highlighter. "Yugi...tell me that's not a living wooden boy."
Yugi followed her friend's gaze. "Nope. That's THE original living wooden boy! C'mon, let's go meet him!"
Before D could protest, Yugi was already dragging her to the door.
The wooden boy looked up as they approached. There was a Cuban cigar stuck between his lips. "Name?" he asked in a surprisingly deep voice.
By then, D had had enough. "This just got too weird. Yugi, let's GO."
Yugi ignored her friend. "We're with XMAN0123. Or maybe it's Nate on there."
The wooden boy checked the list. "Yup. Three members of yer party are already inside." He pushed open the door with a large foot that resembled a clog. "Follow the bouncing blue boy."
"Who?" D asked.
The wooden boy jerked a thumb upwards, and his cigar twitched noticeably as he grinned. "Him."
Both Muses looked upward to see a large mass of blue fur and finely cut tuxedo hanging just above the doorframe. The mass suddenly dropped to the floor, revealing that it was actually an agile, six-foot tall mutant covered in blue fur.
D suddenly had no problem gripping Yugi's hand. "What IS that thing?!" she hissed.
"Allow me to introduce myself," the mutant replied, taking a bow. "I am The Beast, or Hank, if you would prefer. I'll be your waiter this enchanted evening."
Yugi grinned. "I like him."
"Well, I don't!" D fell silent as Hank's gaze landed on her.
"Is the lady offended by my appearance?" he asked.
"She's just being difficult cuz it's her special day," Yugi whispered in his ear. Aloud, she said, "Take us to the guy that looks like he just woke up, please."
Hank smiled. "I do believe there is one gentleman present that fits that description." He squatted and held out his arms. "All aboard the Blue Beast Express!"
"C'mon, D!" Yugi climbed onto Hank's back.
D looked as if Yugi had just eaten a bug. "I am not riding him."
"Fair enough," Hank said. "If not first class, would you care to fly coach?" Before D could argue, he scooped her up and leaped into the air.
"WHEEEEE!" Yugi cried. "Isn't this great, D?!"
"I'M GONNA HURL!" D screamed at the top of her lungs.
Hank stopped beside a table. "My apologies if the ride was too short. Would the ladies care for a cold drink?"
"Two Shirley Temples, please," Yugi said as she dropped to the floor. "Heavy on the cherries!"
Hank nodded and bounded away.
"You expect me to eat after this?" D asked weakly, clutching her stomach.
"There's my two favorite girls," said a voice behind them. "Who's got a hug for their Writer?"
"I do, I do!" Yugi sang. She flew into Nate's arms, giving him a peck on the cheek. "D was being difficult, but I made sure she got here," she added with a serious look.
D grabbed Nate's arm. "If we leave now, I'll overlook the fact that you didn't get me anything."
Nate leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Of course I got you something, D. That's part of why we're here. We've all got presents for you."
"That's right, and you have to open mine first!" said another voice.
D smiled faintly. "Hi, Mom."
Death kneeled and hugged the Muse. "Hi, sweetie. Are you having a good birthday?"
"That depends on what you got me."
"What we got you," Dream corrected. "It was a joint present."
"That means it costs a lot, right?" D asked hopefully.
Death & Dream glanced at each other. "It's the thought that counts," they both answered.
D sighed. "Just great. I'm never getting older again!"
* * * * *
Hank knocked on the kitchen door and stuck his head in. "How's that special order coming along, Makoto?"
Makoto Kino glanced up from her latest masterpiece. "A question, Blue. Have you EVER seen anything this big?"
His eyes widened slightly. "I must admit that I have not. Nothing edible, anyway."
"Oh, it's edible, all right. And if I still have my touch, it'll be delicious, too. But there is a slight problem."
Hank pretended to look shocked. "Gracious! A culinary caper the likes of which the talented and beautiful Makoto Kino can't handle? Has the world gone mad?!"
She smirked. "Very funny, Blue. I just need more sauce."
"Not a problem! I happen to know that we ordered plenty in advance. Did you check the large shipping crate?"
Makoto gave him a curious look. "What large shipping crate?"
At that moment, Pinocchio walked in, carrying a huge crate and looking very annoyed. "I dunno how many times I gotta say this, Hank, but I am NOT a delivery boy! I'm the freakin' bouncer!" He threw down the crate and stormed out of the kitchen.
"That crate," Hank replied quietly.
Makoto nodded. "I see."
* * * * *
D frowned at her Writer. "Explain to me again why I can't have a menu?"
"We've already ordered for you, sweetheart," Nate said for the third time. "They're cooking something special just for you."
"Fine, but do you all have to eat the appetizers in front of me?"
Yugi, Death, Dream, and Nate all froze, mozzarella cheese sticks only inches away from each of their mouths.
D shook her head and sighed. "Never mind. Just turn down the volume on the chewing."
Yugi chose that moment to bite into an extra crunchy cheese stick. "Sorry!" she apologized, looking very sheepish.
"Forget it. Just call me when the food gets here." D hopped out of her chair and wandered away from the table. She hadn't gotten far when Hank appeared.
"Going somewhere, miss?" he asked.
"I just need some air...Hank, was it?"
"I'm touched that you remember!" Hank rewarded her with another Shirley Temple. "I added more cherries."
D smiled weakly. "Gee, thanks." She quickly ran out the front door and leaned against the wall. "This is just not my night."
There was an explosion not too far away, followed by a series of grunts. Then another explosion, and a grunt that definitely meant the fight was over.
Soon, the wooden boy from before appeared, though his clothes were a bit muddy. He was mumbling something about "freakin' high and mighty Saiyans" when he nearly walked right into D, since he was trying to light a cigar at the same time. He eyed her curiously for a moment, then told her quite plainly, "Yer in my leanin' spot, doll."
D considered arguing with him, then decided it wasn't worth the effort and shifted to the left.
He finally lit the cigar and stuck it in his mouth, leaning against the wall. "So. Couldn't take it anymore, huh?"
"You mean the fact that they wouldn't let me eat or that my first birthday is becoming the worst ever?"
The wooden boy arched an eyebrow. "Actually, I meant the blue guy."
D stared at him for a moment. "That was pretty weird. But then, I'm talking to a wooden boy."
"Hey, don't start nothin' you can't finish," he warned. "I just got through trashin' a DBZ punk that tried to get in, and I got no problem takin' down a girl."
"Okay, calm down!" D took a sip from her drink. "Excitable little guy, aren't you?"
The wooden boy snorted. "I'm taller than you."
"Barely."
"Fair enough." He took a few puffs on the cigar. "The name's Pinocchio."
"I'm not THAT clueless," D shot back.
"Well, whoop-de-freakin'-do, kid. They don't pay me enough to examine IQ levels. I just keep out the fictives. Beyond that might as well be rocket science." He inhaled deeply and blew out a fairly impressive smoke ring.
"Aren't you afraid you'll...catch on fire or something?"
Pinocchio stared at her in silence for a moment. "Ever heard of livin' dangerously?"
D sighed and closed her eyes. "Forget I asked."
"Y'know, doll, if it wasn't for that uppity attitude, you'd be kinda cute."
D's eyes slowly opened. "Did you just hit on me?"
Pinocchio tapped some ashes from his cigar and stuck it back in his mouth. "Take it how ya want to, kid. I got work to do here." He turned and strolled lazily up the sidewalk, pausing to tap more ashes into a trash can. Then he grabbed the can, turned it upside down, and proceeded to beat it into next week.
Soon, three people rolled out of the trash can. D recognized them as some of Nate's borrowed DBZ fictives: Krillin, Tien, and Yamcha.
Pinocchio hauled them up and tossed them into the street. "Boys, we go through this every week. Ya can't come in! Are we clear?"
"That's not fair!" Yamcha shouted. "The last time we came with a Writer, you let us in!"
"That was a special case. Did you forget what happened the last time I let you in?"
"Not really," Krillin replied.
"Maybe that's cuz ya were all drunks as skunks with the mumps!" Pinocchio shouted. "Ya wrecked the bar, beat up a Writer, and tried to kill the cook!"
"Hey, that girl had it coming!" Tien shouted. "She said her final episodes would make it to the US before ours did!"
Pinocchio blew a smoke ring in his face. "And for some reason, I can't seem to care, Three Eyes. Get lost before ya gotta talk to Mr. Oak and Woody!"
The three warriors turned and quickly ran up the street, possibly headed towards the Subreality Café, though they'd probably be thrown out of there, too.
"Mr. Oak and Woody?" D asked. "Who are they?"
Pinocchio held up his right hand. "This here's Mr. Oak." Then he held up the left. "This here's Woody."
"Okay. So why's that one called Mister?"
"Cuz when he hits ya, that's what you'll call him."
D stared at him. "Uh...I think I hear my Writer calling me." She took a step back. Then another. Then she turned and ran back into the Writer's Café.
Pinocchio chuckled to himself. "That one always gets the stares."
* * * * *
Makoto wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Well, it's finally done. Now, how are we going to carry this thing?"
Hank considered the situation. "I suppose the combined strength of myself, our beloved Bouncer, and yourself would suffice."
"And if it doesn't?"
"We could always attach wheels and roll it out."
Makoto shook her head. "Let's just go with Plan A. You get the forklift, and I'll get Pinocchio."
* * * * *
Yugi tapped her Writer on the shoulder. "I don't think D's having fun, Nate."
Nate looked at his second Muse, who was trying unsuccessfully to stab herself with a fork. She didn't seem to notice that her ankh kept getting in the way.
"I think you're right, Yugi. Maybe we'd better give her the presents now."
"Yay!" Yugi squealed. "Can I go first?"
Nate patted her head fondly. "Sure, honey. As long as whatever it is doesn't explode or bring bodily harm to anyone. They frown on that sort of thing here."
Yugi pulled out a gift in green wrapping paper. She cleared her throat loudly to get everyone's attention, then placed it in front of D. "Since we're both Muses, you have to open mine first."
D stared at the gift for a long moment, then finally put down the fork and tore off the wrapping paper. She found a strange box that looked and smelled, among other things, extremely ancient. "What is it?"
Yugi only grinned. "Open it!"
D started to do so, then thought better of it. She picked up the fork and used it to ease the lid up. Inside she found five sparking crystals, each with its own distinct shape and color.
"There's one for each of us," Yugi explained. "Purple for Nate, blue for me, yellow for you, black for Death, and gray for Dream. Think of it as a set of voodoo dolls...without the voodoo...and the...dolls..."
D slowly ran her fingers over the crystals. Then she closed the box.
Yugi's smile faded. "You...don't like them?"
"No. I love them! Thanks, Yugi." D reached over and squeezed her friend's hand. "Okay, where's the rest?"
"I guess I'll go next," Dream said. "Death and I couldn't decide what to get you, so we got several things. I hope you don't mind, D."
She grinned. "Do I LOOK like I mind?"
"First, I wanted to give you this." He held up a small pouch. "Only use it when you must."
D accepted the pouch. "Hey, this is that stuff you make people fall asleep with! Cool!"
"I realized you could use some, when I noticed you'd been taking it without asking."
D turned bright red. "Uh...that was an impulse thing."
"I'm certain."
"My turn!" Death smiled brightly. "Close your eyes, D. It's a surprise."
D obeyed. "Is it big?"
"Not exactly. Okay, open them!"
D opened her eyes and smiled. Her mother was holding a pair of Dream & Death dolls. "Mom, you shouldn't have."
"I know, but these aren't signed, so no chance of them coming alive."
"I still say that thing looks nothing like me," Dream muttered.
"Don't worry, Unkie Dreamboat," D said, giving him a hug. "I prefer the real you, anyway."
Dream closed his eyes and shuddered. "Destiny also had some gifts for you."
"Really?" D asked in awe. She hadn't had the chance to meet her mysterious uncle yet, but from the way her mother talked about him, he was either the most important or the most powerful of The Endless.
"Yes. He wanted to be sure that you became the best Muse you could be, so he sent these." Dream produced a stack of fairly thick books. "Enjoy." There was a strange look on his face, as if he knew something she didn't.
D browsed through the titles. Among them were "The History of Subreality" (by Kielle & Others), "Subreality Café Codes: Rules for Every Fictive" (by the SC Manager), "The Writer's Café Rulebook" (by Hank McCoy), "The Muse's Guidebook" (by Calliope), and "Searching for The Scribe: The Story of Kielle." D couldn't help noticing that most of the books were thicker than her arm, and that they were all stamped with the Subreality Seal of Approval, though that itself was pretty questionable, since it looked like an anime girl with "Sub-perb!" stamped on her forehead.
"Well, what do you think?" Dream asked.
"I think Unkie Destiny has a weird sense of humor."
"He also wanted me to give you this," Death added, holding up a third doll. It was wearing a long, brown robe with a hood and holding a large, open book. For some reason, it was almost impossible to see the face.
D took the doll and turned it over in her hands. "Is this him?"
Death nodded. "He really is a very interesting person. I think you'll like him."
D held the Destiny doll in her lap. "What else do I get?"
"Just this." Death produced a golden ankh on a necklace. "I know it looks the same as the one you have, but it's better. You don't have to wear it all the time. Just being near it keeps you alive."
"Does it do anything else?" D asked.
"Just this." The ankh suddenly grew to ten times its normal size. "It can become just about anything." The ankh seemed to shudder, then turned into a crossbow.
"I want one!" Yugi whined. "Nate, get me one!"
Nate arched an eyebrow. "We'll see."
"That means no," Dream translated with a grin.
Nate rolled his eyes. "Anyway, it's my turn."
"Then why aren't you wearing a bow?" D asked with a smile.
"Very funny, but no. I wanted my gift to be different."
"The bow would've been different."
Nate sighed heavily. "I got you this."
D blinked. "There's nothing in your hand, Nate."
"Yes, there is. You just can't see it cuz it's invisible."
"Well...I hope you don't expect me to guess what it is."
Nate grinned. "Nope. It's a key."
"To...?"
"Your new house."
D stared at him. "HOUSE?!"
"Okay, it's more like a cottage. But you can live there, when you're in Subreality."
"Is that invisible, too?"
"Yes. Until you put the key in, anyway. Then it all becomes clear...uh, visible. It's also visible while you're inside."
D looked suspicious. "And...how did you get this house?"
"I wrote it. Well, thought it. Whatever. It's there, and that's what counts."
D felt around Nate's hand until her fingers closed over something. "Okay, now how do I keep track of this thing?"
"You could keep it inside the ankh I gave you," Death suggested. "It also acts as a pocket."
D quickly slipped the key into the ankh. "Okay, we're done with presents. Where's the food?"
Nate's eyes widened a bit. "Um...is that a forklift?"
There was a loud beeping noise as a forklift backed into the room, carrying a gigantic burrito. The forklift stopped by their table, and Hank stepped out. "Dinner," he said, with a low bow, "is most obviously served."
"I think I could learn to like this place," D whispered in awe.
"How do we eat that thing?" Yugi asked.
"Simple," D replied. "WE don't. I do!" She wiped some drool from her mouth.
Nate frowned. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"QUIET! IT'S MINE!" D chuckled giddily and tied a napkin around her neck.
"They don't make forks that big," Death pointed out.
"Who needs a fork?" D sunk her teeth into the burrito and bit off a rather large piece. She chewed, swallowed, then sighed happily. "Perfection."
"You're not really going to let her eat the whole thing, are you, Nate?" Yugi whispered.
Nate shrugged. "All I know is I'm not going near her while she's got that crazed look in her eyes."
* * * * *
"What do you think, Blue?" Makoto asked. "Should we ask them to leave?"
"Well, it is time for the establishment to close. However, I am bound by the masculine tradition to never refuse a female face, particularly when it is eternally young and...cute."
"So that's a no." Makoto turned to Pinocchio. "And you?"
Pinocchio removed the cigar from his mouth. "Did they pay?"
"Yes."
"Did they eat what they ordered?"
"Yes, surprisingly enough."
"Did they cause any trouble?"
"No more than was expected."
The wooden boy shrugged. "They're fine in my book. Long as they don't start anything." He stuck the cigar back in his mouth.
"So no matter what I think, they stay?" Makoto asked uncertainly.
"Correct," Hank replied.
Makoto didn't have the strength to argue. Besides, a clean plate was the best compliment any cook could get, and this party had left plenty of them.
Fortunately, a minute later, the party got up and began to walk out.
Makoto was just thinking of going back to the kitchen to clean up when there was a tug on her apron. She looked down to see a small girl in overalls smiling up at her.
"You made the food, right?" the girl asked.
"Well, yes..." There was something strange about this girl, she could sense it.
"Good. This is for you." The girl pressed something into the cook's hand and gave it an affectionate squeeze. "That's for the big burrito." She turned to Hank. "I'll be needing a ride out, sir."
"I thought you'd never ask!" Hank leaned down. "What about your friend?"
"No, D won't be riding. Her tummy's too full of burrito." She climbed onto his back and shouted, "Hi ho, Blue Beast! AWAY!"
Hank did his best horse impression and bounded out of the front door.
Pinocchio snorted. "Now THAT was disgusting and degrading at the same time."
Makoto stared at him. "I thought you were supposed to like all that childhood stuff."
"This ain't Disney, doll, it's Subreality. We eat kid stuff for breakfast 'round here." He nodded towards her hand. "What'd the kid give you?"
She opened her hand and was shocked to find several hundred dollar bills there. "A pretty big tip?"
"Well, it was a pretty big burrito," he added.
"No denying that." Makoto counted the bills. "I'm just wondering where that kid got all this money. There's no way the Writer could pull that kind of salary."
"They're gone, you got paid, and everyone's happy. No need to dwell on it." Pinocchio blew one last smoke ring, then dropped his cigar in a nearby ashtray. "Later, doll." With a parting wave, he walked out of the door.
* * * * *
"Admit it, D. You had fun!"
"Okay, maybe I did."
"So you'd do it again?"
"Yes and no, Yugi."
"Huh?"
"I'd do the party again, but I definitely wouldn't eat the burrito again. At least, not by myself."
"Well, good. So, did you like your presents?"
"Yes. Yugi, can we talk about this later? I'm...busy."
"Okay, okay. Night, D! Oh, but one more thing."
"What, Yugi?"
"Nate says to flush. NOW."
"GO AWAY, YUGI!"
"Not until you flush!"
"I DID!"
"DO IT AGAIN!"
"YUGI, GET LOST!"
"Okay, fine! But you'd better spray something when you're done in there! There are other people living here!" Yugi stepped away from the bathroom and walked into the kitchen. "She flushed."
Nate nodded. "Good. Did she spray?"
"Not yet."
"Yugi, you promised you'd get her to spray!"
"I tried, but I can't just walk in there! The scent's practically toxic to my sensitive little Muse nose! You go in there!"
"I'm only human, and I am now convinced that Muses don't have normal...bodily functions. I might pass out or worse."
"Maybe we should call Death?"
"I don't think she'd appreciate that, Yugi."
"Well, she made D! Didn't she know about this stuff?"
"I'm fairly sure it wasn't on her mind at the time. What about when YOU have to do that stuff?"
Yugi looked very offended. "I take care of my business elsewhere. I respect you enough not to drop any bombs--"
"YUGI!"
"--here."
Nate sighed and shook his head. "Note to self: NEVER surprise D with a big birthday burrito again."
"You were only trying to make her birthday special." Yugi hugged his leg. "I think it was sweet."
"Think what you want. I'm not hugging her for at least a week."
--------------
Disclaimer: Woo, let's see. Hank, Makoto, and Pinocchio are constants in the Writer's Cafe, so I suppose they belong to whoever controls that...or maybe Kielle...or maybe their original owners. Along with everyone ELSE in the story. Who really knows these things? I just know they're not mine... *wistful sigh*
This gets weird and somewhat disgusting at the end. If you're a fan of bathroom humor, go right ahead. Otherwise...well, no one's forcing you to read it, and I am warning you.
Big Birthday Burrito
By XMAN0123
------------
"Yugi, NO! I don't wanna go! This is stupid!"
"It is NOT stupid," Yugi replied, tightening her grip on D's hand. "Anyway, you'll have fun. Nate said so."
"Then why isn't HE here?" she demanded.
"He's going to meet us there. Will you stop trying to escape already?"
D finally gave up two minutes later and allowed Yugi to drag her up the sidewalk, until they reached the neon sign, which proudly proclaimed, "The Writer's Cafe!" Underneath that, in slightly smaller letters, were the words, "Muses Welcome!"
"See? We're welcome!" Yugi stated proudly.
"I still wanna go home," D muttered.
"Stop complaining. We haven't even gone inside yet."
"If we leave now, I might forgive you before my next birthday."
Yugi rolled her eyes. "We're going in, D. Now shut up and look cute."
D groaned and gave her a pleading look. "What'd I ever do...to...you?" She stopped whining when she spotted the wooden boy just outside the door. He was staring intently at a clipboard in his left hand, going over some kind of list with a highlighter. "Yugi...tell me that's not a living wooden boy."
Yugi followed her friend's gaze. "Nope. That's THE original living wooden boy! C'mon, let's go meet him!"
Before D could protest, Yugi was already dragging her to the door.
The wooden boy looked up as they approached. There was a Cuban cigar stuck between his lips. "Name?" he asked in a surprisingly deep voice.
By then, D had had enough. "This just got too weird. Yugi, let's GO."
Yugi ignored her friend. "We're with XMAN0123. Or maybe it's Nate on there."
The wooden boy checked the list. "Yup. Three members of yer party are already inside." He pushed open the door with a large foot that resembled a clog. "Follow the bouncing blue boy."
"Who?" D asked.
The wooden boy jerked a thumb upwards, and his cigar twitched noticeably as he grinned. "Him."
Both Muses looked upward to see a large mass of blue fur and finely cut tuxedo hanging just above the doorframe. The mass suddenly dropped to the floor, revealing that it was actually an agile, six-foot tall mutant covered in blue fur.
D suddenly had no problem gripping Yugi's hand. "What IS that thing?!" she hissed.
"Allow me to introduce myself," the mutant replied, taking a bow. "I am The Beast, or Hank, if you would prefer. I'll be your waiter this enchanted evening."
Yugi grinned. "I like him."
"Well, I don't!" D fell silent as Hank's gaze landed on her.
"Is the lady offended by my appearance?" he asked.
"She's just being difficult cuz it's her special day," Yugi whispered in his ear. Aloud, she said, "Take us to the guy that looks like he just woke up, please."
Hank smiled. "I do believe there is one gentleman present that fits that description." He squatted and held out his arms. "All aboard the Blue Beast Express!"
"C'mon, D!" Yugi climbed onto Hank's back.
D looked as if Yugi had just eaten a bug. "I am not riding him."
"Fair enough," Hank said. "If not first class, would you care to fly coach?" Before D could argue, he scooped her up and leaped into the air.
"WHEEEEE!" Yugi cried. "Isn't this great, D?!"
"I'M GONNA HURL!" D screamed at the top of her lungs.
Hank stopped beside a table. "My apologies if the ride was too short. Would the ladies care for a cold drink?"
"Two Shirley Temples, please," Yugi said as she dropped to the floor. "Heavy on the cherries!"
Hank nodded and bounded away.
"You expect me to eat after this?" D asked weakly, clutching her stomach.
"There's my two favorite girls," said a voice behind them. "Who's got a hug for their Writer?"
"I do, I do!" Yugi sang. She flew into Nate's arms, giving him a peck on the cheek. "D was being difficult, but I made sure she got here," she added with a serious look.
D grabbed Nate's arm. "If we leave now, I'll overlook the fact that you didn't get me anything."
Nate leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Of course I got you something, D. That's part of why we're here. We've all got presents for you."
"That's right, and you have to open mine first!" said another voice.
D smiled faintly. "Hi, Mom."
Death kneeled and hugged the Muse. "Hi, sweetie. Are you having a good birthday?"
"That depends on what you got me."
"What we got you," Dream corrected. "It was a joint present."
"That means it costs a lot, right?" D asked hopefully.
Death & Dream glanced at each other. "It's the thought that counts," they both answered.
D sighed. "Just great. I'm never getting older again!"
* * * * *
Hank knocked on the kitchen door and stuck his head in. "How's that special order coming along, Makoto?"
Makoto Kino glanced up from her latest masterpiece. "A question, Blue. Have you EVER seen anything this big?"
His eyes widened slightly. "I must admit that I have not. Nothing edible, anyway."
"Oh, it's edible, all right. And if I still have my touch, it'll be delicious, too. But there is a slight problem."
Hank pretended to look shocked. "Gracious! A culinary caper the likes of which the talented and beautiful Makoto Kino can't handle? Has the world gone mad?!"
She smirked. "Very funny, Blue. I just need more sauce."
"Not a problem! I happen to know that we ordered plenty in advance. Did you check the large shipping crate?"
Makoto gave him a curious look. "What large shipping crate?"
At that moment, Pinocchio walked in, carrying a huge crate and looking very annoyed. "I dunno how many times I gotta say this, Hank, but I am NOT a delivery boy! I'm the freakin' bouncer!" He threw down the crate and stormed out of the kitchen.
"That crate," Hank replied quietly.
Makoto nodded. "I see."
* * * * *
D frowned at her Writer. "Explain to me again why I can't have a menu?"
"We've already ordered for you, sweetheart," Nate said for the third time. "They're cooking something special just for you."
"Fine, but do you all have to eat the appetizers in front of me?"
Yugi, Death, Dream, and Nate all froze, mozzarella cheese sticks only inches away from each of their mouths.
D shook her head and sighed. "Never mind. Just turn down the volume on the chewing."
Yugi chose that moment to bite into an extra crunchy cheese stick. "Sorry!" she apologized, looking very sheepish.
"Forget it. Just call me when the food gets here." D hopped out of her chair and wandered away from the table. She hadn't gotten far when Hank appeared.
"Going somewhere, miss?" he asked.
"I just need some air...Hank, was it?"
"I'm touched that you remember!" Hank rewarded her with another Shirley Temple. "I added more cherries."
D smiled weakly. "Gee, thanks." She quickly ran out the front door and leaned against the wall. "This is just not my night."
There was an explosion not too far away, followed by a series of grunts. Then another explosion, and a grunt that definitely meant the fight was over.
Soon, the wooden boy from before appeared, though his clothes were a bit muddy. He was mumbling something about "freakin' high and mighty Saiyans" when he nearly walked right into D, since he was trying to light a cigar at the same time. He eyed her curiously for a moment, then told her quite plainly, "Yer in my leanin' spot, doll."
D considered arguing with him, then decided it wasn't worth the effort and shifted to the left.
He finally lit the cigar and stuck it in his mouth, leaning against the wall. "So. Couldn't take it anymore, huh?"
"You mean the fact that they wouldn't let me eat or that my first birthday is becoming the worst ever?"
The wooden boy arched an eyebrow. "Actually, I meant the blue guy."
D stared at him for a moment. "That was pretty weird. But then, I'm talking to a wooden boy."
"Hey, don't start nothin' you can't finish," he warned. "I just got through trashin' a DBZ punk that tried to get in, and I got no problem takin' down a girl."
"Okay, calm down!" D took a sip from her drink. "Excitable little guy, aren't you?"
The wooden boy snorted. "I'm taller than you."
"Barely."
"Fair enough." He took a few puffs on the cigar. "The name's Pinocchio."
"I'm not THAT clueless," D shot back.
"Well, whoop-de-freakin'-do, kid. They don't pay me enough to examine IQ levels. I just keep out the fictives. Beyond that might as well be rocket science." He inhaled deeply and blew out a fairly impressive smoke ring.
"Aren't you afraid you'll...catch on fire or something?"
Pinocchio stared at her in silence for a moment. "Ever heard of livin' dangerously?"
D sighed and closed her eyes. "Forget I asked."
"Y'know, doll, if it wasn't for that uppity attitude, you'd be kinda cute."
D's eyes slowly opened. "Did you just hit on me?"
Pinocchio tapped some ashes from his cigar and stuck it back in his mouth. "Take it how ya want to, kid. I got work to do here." He turned and strolled lazily up the sidewalk, pausing to tap more ashes into a trash can. Then he grabbed the can, turned it upside down, and proceeded to beat it into next week.
Soon, three people rolled out of the trash can. D recognized them as some of Nate's borrowed DBZ fictives: Krillin, Tien, and Yamcha.
Pinocchio hauled them up and tossed them into the street. "Boys, we go through this every week. Ya can't come in! Are we clear?"
"That's not fair!" Yamcha shouted. "The last time we came with a Writer, you let us in!"
"That was a special case. Did you forget what happened the last time I let you in?"
"Not really," Krillin replied.
"Maybe that's cuz ya were all drunks as skunks with the mumps!" Pinocchio shouted. "Ya wrecked the bar, beat up a Writer, and tried to kill the cook!"
"Hey, that girl had it coming!" Tien shouted. "She said her final episodes would make it to the US before ours did!"
Pinocchio blew a smoke ring in his face. "And for some reason, I can't seem to care, Three Eyes. Get lost before ya gotta talk to Mr. Oak and Woody!"
The three warriors turned and quickly ran up the street, possibly headed towards the Subreality Café, though they'd probably be thrown out of there, too.
"Mr. Oak and Woody?" D asked. "Who are they?"
Pinocchio held up his right hand. "This here's Mr. Oak." Then he held up the left. "This here's Woody."
"Okay. So why's that one called Mister?"
"Cuz when he hits ya, that's what you'll call him."
D stared at him. "Uh...I think I hear my Writer calling me." She took a step back. Then another. Then she turned and ran back into the Writer's Café.
Pinocchio chuckled to himself. "That one always gets the stares."
* * * * *
Makoto wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Well, it's finally done. Now, how are we going to carry this thing?"
Hank considered the situation. "I suppose the combined strength of myself, our beloved Bouncer, and yourself would suffice."
"And if it doesn't?"
"We could always attach wheels and roll it out."
Makoto shook her head. "Let's just go with Plan A. You get the forklift, and I'll get Pinocchio."
* * * * *
Yugi tapped her Writer on the shoulder. "I don't think D's having fun, Nate."
Nate looked at his second Muse, who was trying unsuccessfully to stab herself with a fork. She didn't seem to notice that her ankh kept getting in the way.
"I think you're right, Yugi. Maybe we'd better give her the presents now."
"Yay!" Yugi squealed. "Can I go first?"
Nate patted her head fondly. "Sure, honey. As long as whatever it is doesn't explode or bring bodily harm to anyone. They frown on that sort of thing here."
Yugi pulled out a gift in green wrapping paper. She cleared her throat loudly to get everyone's attention, then placed it in front of D. "Since we're both Muses, you have to open mine first."
D stared at the gift for a long moment, then finally put down the fork and tore off the wrapping paper. She found a strange box that looked and smelled, among other things, extremely ancient. "What is it?"
Yugi only grinned. "Open it!"
D started to do so, then thought better of it. She picked up the fork and used it to ease the lid up. Inside she found five sparking crystals, each with its own distinct shape and color.
"There's one for each of us," Yugi explained. "Purple for Nate, blue for me, yellow for you, black for Death, and gray for Dream. Think of it as a set of voodoo dolls...without the voodoo...and the...dolls..."
D slowly ran her fingers over the crystals. Then she closed the box.
Yugi's smile faded. "You...don't like them?"
"No. I love them! Thanks, Yugi." D reached over and squeezed her friend's hand. "Okay, where's the rest?"
"I guess I'll go next," Dream said. "Death and I couldn't decide what to get you, so we got several things. I hope you don't mind, D."
She grinned. "Do I LOOK like I mind?"
"First, I wanted to give you this." He held up a small pouch. "Only use it when you must."
D accepted the pouch. "Hey, this is that stuff you make people fall asleep with! Cool!"
"I realized you could use some, when I noticed you'd been taking it without asking."
D turned bright red. "Uh...that was an impulse thing."
"I'm certain."
"My turn!" Death smiled brightly. "Close your eyes, D. It's a surprise."
D obeyed. "Is it big?"
"Not exactly. Okay, open them!"
D opened her eyes and smiled. Her mother was holding a pair of Dream & Death dolls. "Mom, you shouldn't have."
"I know, but these aren't signed, so no chance of them coming alive."
"I still say that thing looks nothing like me," Dream muttered.
"Don't worry, Unkie Dreamboat," D said, giving him a hug. "I prefer the real you, anyway."
Dream closed his eyes and shuddered. "Destiny also had some gifts for you."
"Really?" D asked in awe. She hadn't had the chance to meet her mysterious uncle yet, but from the way her mother talked about him, he was either the most important or the most powerful of The Endless.
"Yes. He wanted to be sure that you became the best Muse you could be, so he sent these." Dream produced a stack of fairly thick books. "Enjoy." There was a strange look on his face, as if he knew something she didn't.
D browsed through the titles. Among them were "The History of Subreality" (by Kielle & Others), "Subreality Café Codes: Rules for Every Fictive" (by the SC Manager), "The Writer's Café Rulebook" (by Hank McCoy), "The Muse's Guidebook" (by Calliope), and "Searching for The Scribe: The Story of Kielle." D couldn't help noticing that most of the books were thicker than her arm, and that they were all stamped with the Subreality Seal of Approval, though that itself was pretty questionable, since it looked like an anime girl with "Sub-perb!" stamped on her forehead.
"Well, what do you think?" Dream asked.
"I think Unkie Destiny has a weird sense of humor."
"He also wanted me to give you this," Death added, holding up a third doll. It was wearing a long, brown robe with a hood and holding a large, open book. For some reason, it was almost impossible to see the face.
D took the doll and turned it over in her hands. "Is this him?"
Death nodded. "He really is a very interesting person. I think you'll like him."
D held the Destiny doll in her lap. "What else do I get?"
"Just this." Death produced a golden ankh on a necklace. "I know it looks the same as the one you have, but it's better. You don't have to wear it all the time. Just being near it keeps you alive."
"Does it do anything else?" D asked.
"Just this." The ankh suddenly grew to ten times its normal size. "It can become just about anything." The ankh seemed to shudder, then turned into a crossbow.
"I want one!" Yugi whined. "Nate, get me one!"
Nate arched an eyebrow. "We'll see."
"That means no," Dream translated with a grin.
Nate rolled his eyes. "Anyway, it's my turn."
"Then why aren't you wearing a bow?" D asked with a smile.
"Very funny, but no. I wanted my gift to be different."
"The bow would've been different."
Nate sighed heavily. "I got you this."
D blinked. "There's nothing in your hand, Nate."
"Yes, there is. You just can't see it cuz it's invisible."
"Well...I hope you don't expect me to guess what it is."
Nate grinned. "Nope. It's a key."
"To...?"
"Your new house."
D stared at him. "HOUSE?!"
"Okay, it's more like a cottage. But you can live there, when you're in Subreality."
"Is that invisible, too?"
"Yes. Until you put the key in, anyway. Then it all becomes clear...uh, visible. It's also visible while you're inside."
D looked suspicious. "And...how did you get this house?"
"I wrote it. Well, thought it. Whatever. It's there, and that's what counts."
D felt around Nate's hand until her fingers closed over something. "Okay, now how do I keep track of this thing?"
"You could keep it inside the ankh I gave you," Death suggested. "It also acts as a pocket."
D quickly slipped the key into the ankh. "Okay, we're done with presents. Where's the food?"
Nate's eyes widened a bit. "Um...is that a forklift?"
There was a loud beeping noise as a forklift backed into the room, carrying a gigantic burrito. The forklift stopped by their table, and Hank stepped out. "Dinner," he said, with a low bow, "is most obviously served."
"I think I could learn to like this place," D whispered in awe.
"How do we eat that thing?" Yugi asked.
"Simple," D replied. "WE don't. I do!" She wiped some drool from her mouth.
Nate frowned. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"QUIET! IT'S MINE!" D chuckled giddily and tied a napkin around her neck.
"They don't make forks that big," Death pointed out.
"Who needs a fork?" D sunk her teeth into the burrito and bit off a rather large piece. She chewed, swallowed, then sighed happily. "Perfection."
"You're not really going to let her eat the whole thing, are you, Nate?" Yugi whispered.
Nate shrugged. "All I know is I'm not going near her while she's got that crazed look in her eyes."
* * * * *
"What do you think, Blue?" Makoto asked. "Should we ask them to leave?"
"Well, it is time for the establishment to close. However, I am bound by the masculine tradition to never refuse a female face, particularly when it is eternally young and...cute."
"So that's a no." Makoto turned to Pinocchio. "And you?"
Pinocchio removed the cigar from his mouth. "Did they pay?"
"Yes."
"Did they eat what they ordered?"
"Yes, surprisingly enough."
"Did they cause any trouble?"
"No more than was expected."
The wooden boy shrugged. "They're fine in my book. Long as they don't start anything." He stuck the cigar back in his mouth.
"So no matter what I think, they stay?" Makoto asked uncertainly.
"Correct," Hank replied.
Makoto didn't have the strength to argue. Besides, a clean plate was the best compliment any cook could get, and this party had left plenty of them.
Fortunately, a minute later, the party got up and began to walk out.
Makoto was just thinking of going back to the kitchen to clean up when there was a tug on her apron. She looked down to see a small girl in overalls smiling up at her.
"You made the food, right?" the girl asked.
"Well, yes..." There was something strange about this girl, she could sense it.
"Good. This is for you." The girl pressed something into the cook's hand and gave it an affectionate squeeze. "That's for the big burrito." She turned to Hank. "I'll be needing a ride out, sir."
"I thought you'd never ask!" Hank leaned down. "What about your friend?"
"No, D won't be riding. Her tummy's too full of burrito." She climbed onto his back and shouted, "Hi ho, Blue Beast! AWAY!"
Hank did his best horse impression and bounded out of the front door.
Pinocchio snorted. "Now THAT was disgusting and degrading at the same time."
Makoto stared at him. "I thought you were supposed to like all that childhood stuff."
"This ain't Disney, doll, it's Subreality. We eat kid stuff for breakfast 'round here." He nodded towards her hand. "What'd the kid give you?"
She opened her hand and was shocked to find several hundred dollar bills there. "A pretty big tip?"
"Well, it was a pretty big burrito," he added.
"No denying that." Makoto counted the bills. "I'm just wondering where that kid got all this money. There's no way the Writer could pull that kind of salary."
"They're gone, you got paid, and everyone's happy. No need to dwell on it." Pinocchio blew one last smoke ring, then dropped his cigar in a nearby ashtray. "Later, doll." With a parting wave, he walked out of the door.
* * * * *
"Admit it, D. You had fun!"
"Okay, maybe I did."
"So you'd do it again?"
"Yes and no, Yugi."
"Huh?"
"I'd do the party again, but I definitely wouldn't eat the burrito again. At least, not by myself."
"Well, good. So, did you like your presents?"
"Yes. Yugi, can we talk about this later? I'm...busy."
"Okay, okay. Night, D! Oh, but one more thing."
"What, Yugi?"
"Nate says to flush. NOW."
"GO AWAY, YUGI!"
"Not until you flush!"
"I DID!"
"DO IT AGAIN!"
"YUGI, GET LOST!"
"Okay, fine! But you'd better spray something when you're done in there! There are other people living here!" Yugi stepped away from the bathroom and walked into the kitchen. "She flushed."
Nate nodded. "Good. Did she spray?"
"Not yet."
"Yugi, you promised you'd get her to spray!"
"I tried, but I can't just walk in there! The scent's practically toxic to my sensitive little Muse nose! You go in there!"
"I'm only human, and I am now convinced that Muses don't have normal...bodily functions. I might pass out or worse."
"Maybe we should call Death?"
"I don't think she'd appreciate that, Yugi."
"Well, she made D! Didn't she know about this stuff?"
"I'm fairly sure it wasn't on her mind at the time. What about when YOU have to do that stuff?"
Yugi looked very offended. "I take care of my business elsewhere. I respect you enough not to drop any bombs--"
"YUGI!"
"--here."
Nate sighed and shook his head. "Note to self: NEVER surprise D with a big birthday burrito again."
"You were only trying to make her birthday special." Yugi hugged his leg. "I think it was sweet."
"Think what you want. I'm not hugging her for at least a week."
--------------
Disclaimer: Woo, let's see. Hank, Makoto, and Pinocchio are constants in the Writer's Cafe, so I suppose they belong to whoever controls that...or maybe Kielle...or maybe their original owners. Along with everyone ELSE in the story. Who really knows these things? I just know they're not mine... *wistful sigh*
