DEATH'S MOCKERY

His Sorting should have been a wonderful time. He should have been standing on the threshold with a bright, eager smile plastered to his face.

However, that was not to be.

James felt something was wrong the moment he saw Cousin Lucius look at Severus down the length of the boat they sat alone with Peter, but surely Cousin Lucius wouldn't do anything. Distracted by one of Lily's questions, he never realized exactly how both Peter and Severus wound up falling out of the boat. The first thing he knew was a gigantic splash occurring to his left, and Lucius' horrible laughter. James whirled around to see one of Severus' hands desperately reaching upward out of the dark water before disappearing in the froth created by Peter's frantic thrashing.

James knew that Severus was in a world of trouble. He lunged over the side, ignoring Remus' cry of, "James! No!" and dived headlong into the frigid waters. He splashed ungracefully over to Peter. Cries and yells rang across the lake's surface as others' attention was attracted.

"Sev? Sev?" He grabbed the side of the small boat Lucius was still, chortling with smug amusement, and flung an arm around Peter. He ignored the other boy's cries of fright as he pulled the thrashing body over to the side of the boat. "Sev? Where are you?" Cold fright filled James. It settled in the centre of his chest only to become a crushing agony that threatened to sink him. When Peter clung tightly to the boat's side, James released him and ducked under the water. He stared into the bleak depths, his vision blurry and distorted. He thought he saw a wave of bubbles and foam below. James swam to the surface, took a deep breath to plunge down again, and was yanked out of the water by one large, meaty hand.

"Let me go!" James struggled uselessly against Hagrid's grip. "My brother is there! He can't swim!"

"Shh." Hagrid opened his coat and tucked it around James' form. "Th' Merpeople'll get him right out."

"No! I've got to help him!" James cried and struggled against Hagrid in vain. His eyes lingered on the spot he had last seen Severus go under.

"There be nothin' we kin do," Hagrid said. "If ye stay in the water, ye'll get sick. We'll go right to Dumbledore and tell him what happened. He'll get young Severus."

James sagged against Hagrid's arm. He didn't notice the tears of pain and loss. He could not explain how the ball of icy agony in his chest choked him, how pain lanced down his spine with every breath. When they drew inside of the cavern and McGonagall came down the staircase to greet the new first years, Hagrid told her of how one of the students fell out of the boat and went under the water.

As Hagrid rushed onward to inform Dumbledore, McGonagall cast drying charms upon both James and Peter. She questioned them and Lucius of what happened. James refused to answer her questions. James wanted to scream his frustration at how people refused to bother themselves with the important details.

"My brother is the lake! We can't leave him there!" James pointed behind him, not knowing why no one could figure out where to go from that.

McGonagall gazed at James with understanding eyes. "We will help him," she said. "If he fell in the lake, he would attract the attention of the Merpeople. They do not allow humans to stay in the lake, and will take him to the shoreline immediately. Professor Dumbledore is being fetched right this moment and we will help young Mr. Snape. He will be all right."

If Severus was to be all right, then why did James hurt so much? Dumbledore, upon learning what happened, announced the Sorting and moved off with Hagrid to the lake's shore. McGonagall continued with the ceremony as if nothing happened. James' tears stopped when he saw Lucius Malfoy sitting at the Slytherin table. The worry and frustration evaporated beneath the hot tidal wave of anger that swept through him as he saw his cousin smirking. Slytherin? How could someone as spiteful, as vicious, as atrocious as Lucius be in Pandora's House? How could he so be cheerful Severus was probably swimming with the fishes right now, and it was all Lucius' fault!

The rage still burned in his heart as he stared daggers at where Lucius was seated.

"Potter, James? ... Potter, James … Potter, James come forth!"

One of the children behind him still waiting to be Sorted poked James in the back. He jumped guiltily, and realized it was his turn. He hurried to the stool and sat down. From his vantage point, he could see the six faces of the remaining first years, and the separate dining tables of the Houses. He felt a heavy weight settle upon his head and a voice spoke into his mind.

"Hmmmm... It seems you are more worried about your brother's fate than what House you're destined. I see courage in you; dollops of bravery! All of this stems from such tragedy… Tell me, are you aware of why?"

James sighed. "Don't make me say why," he said softly, remembering spilt blood and his father's voice rising to curse Voldemort. He felt the sensation of blood splashing across his face and soaking through his clothes, of Jonathon's flesh in his mouth and the smoke in his nostrils. Remembering such also reminded him of Severus. "Come on, hurry up. Sev's in trouble."

"And a severe lack of patience! Ah, I very much like your spirit. You would make an excellent Gryffindor, you know. Just for the record, there were very few instances when someone with Snape blood has ever gone into a House other than Ravenclaw or Slytherin. Well, just one instant actually, poor sod. No matter though! We shall make it two!"

With that, the Sorting Hat declared Gryffindor.

James refused to remain still even then. As soon as the Sorting Hat had been removed from his head, he hurried to the Gryffindor table to tell Frank of what happened. He fidgeted nervously in his chair, welcomed comforting hugs from Sirius, Remus, and Lily, and even managed a few kind words to Peter, who was sort of responsible for what happened.

Peter, he found, was sorry for whatever part he played.

"I d-didn't mean to," Peter stuttered softly as large tears rolled down his cheeks, "He was nice to me, and I-I didn't w-want to hurt him in any w-way." He then squeaked and hid beneath the table when Lucius turned around at the Slytherin Table and smiled wickedly towards them. Sirius bristled in defence.

Anyone who could be sweet enough to be worried about Severus (James withstanding since they were brothers and brothers didn't count), and knowing he was the reason why Severus was not to be found was someone who needed to be taken care of. Lily questioned this twisted logic, but Sirius paid no heed as he wrapped one arm around Peter and comforted him.

With that loose end addressed, James sought Dumbledore. He found the old headmaster in the hall, looking worried as he spoke in hushed tones to McGonagall. Regardless of how rude it was to interrupt people's conversations, James hurried over to them and yanked on their robes. The pain in his chest swelled and grew until he felt it in the very tips of his toes.

"You can't find him, can you?" Did he lose another brother? Did James lose the only person in his life whose cold confidence and air of wilful ambition seemed to lend James strength? Why must it always come to this?

Dumbledore stooped so James wouldn't crane his neck. "Mr. Snape is not to be found amongst the Merpeople. They said he was there, but no longer."

"You've lost him forever!"

McGonagall frowned sternly. "Forever is a long time, Mr. Potter."

"But he's gone." The tears were coming faster. "I'll never see him again, just like Mum and Dad and Jonathan."

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged loaded glances. "Now, Mr. Potter, you've already given up faith on your brother. That is disappointing. You always need to have faith in him, because I am quite sure that Mr. Snape is capable of taking care of himself."

"But he can't swim! How was that taking care of himself?" James drew away from Dumbledore. He took several deep breaths, and then looked at the two adults. "Where's Grandmother?" he asked. "She'll get Severus. She will, I know she will!"

Again, Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged worried glances. "We will inform her," Dumbledore said.

"Now. She'll come." James looked at them, his face damp with tears. "She's strong." He rubbed his eyes irritably. McGonagall held her hand out to him.

"Come," she said. James rubbed his eyes and accepted her hand. He almost ran to keep up with the swift strides of the two teachers. The gargoyle in charge of guarding Dumbledore's quarters scrambled quickly out of their way. It watched them with wide eyes.

Dumbledore marched directly over to the fireplace where a single log sat. He pulled a stool close and settled himself comfortably upon it. He pointed his wand at the wood. "Fervens." Fire leapt upward, the orange and red flames licking suddenly at the log. McGonagall dropped James' hand and grabbed a tin from off the fireplace's ledge. She pried the lid off and offered the contents to Dumbledore. He took a handful of the white powder within it and threw it into the fire. The flames turned a cold blue and the heat that had been drifting from it disappeared.

"Pandora Potter; Dinsmore," Dumbledore said in a clear voice. The flames lowered, and then flared up. A woman's voice drifted through the flames.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." Dumbledore stroked his beard as the sound of footsteps floated from the fire. James perked up at the familiar sound of his grandmother's leather-bottomed slippers padding against worn wooden floors. Pandora's face appeared in the fire.

"Yes? Oh, good evening Alb — James?" Pandora's eyes grew wide at the sight of James' tear-streaked face. "What's the matter? What's wrong?" She glanced quickly around the room. "Severus—"

"—is missing," said Dumbledore. Pandora blanched and he held his arms out to ward off any oncoming questions. "He fell out of one of the boats he was riding in."

"Severus can't swim—"

"Well…" Dumbledore sighed. "I will tell you the matter directly and bluntly: your grandson fell out of the boat and was shoved under water beyond help. Hagrid brought the matter directly to me, and I immediately sought out the Merpeople. They said he had been in the water, but is no longer there."

"Where did he go?"

"The best I can conclude is that his innate magic lifted him from the water. We don't know if this is so as of yet or where he might have gone, but there is a search party being organized."

Pandora closed her eyes momentarily. They opened and focused upon James. "Are you all right, sweetie?" she asked him. James sniffed.

"I'm worried about Sev." He looked at her hopefully. "You have to help him. Won't you?"

"Professor Dumbledore is doing the best he can. I can't be of any help from here."

"No, I want you to help. You have to come save Severus. Please."

Pandora looked closer at James. "What's wrong?"

James tried to stop the tears again, but this time they fell unheeded. "I'm worried," he said finally in a frail voice. "If you don't come and help Sev, then he won't be helped. He'll be gone like all the others."

Pandora seemed to lean closer. "Are you certain?"

James shrank back from the sharp, searching look in her eyes. "It hurts, Grandmother. It hurts like Jonathon. Please come for Sev. You have to."

"I'll come," she immediately. Her head disappeared and footsteps hurried away from the fire. Dumbledore waved his hand and the magical fire snuffed out immediately.

It was difficult to determine for whom Pandora came. She clearly would have come if summoned for the sake of Severus, but there remained the greater favour and love she held for James. Perhaps, if James had not asked her to come and Dumbledore said her presence, while welcome, was not needed, she would have remained home in quiet worry. But to ease the pain James felt, even more so because he said it hurt like his dead brother, Pandora came.

Little less than a quarter of an hour after Pandora had been notified, James, who watched from an upper window, saw Pandora land before the great front doors with Severus in her arms. The pain in his chest burned away like fog under a hot sun. James rushed forward to meet them, nearly slipping and tumbling headlong down the stairs in his haste. "Grandmother!" he called. "Sev!" Giddy with delight, he threw himself at his grandmother and brother. He peered worriedly over her arm at Severus. "Is he okay?" he asked, his voice full of concern. "I jumped in after him, but I couldn't find him and Hagrid pulled me out."

"He will be fine."

"Where was he?"

Immediately, James noticed how Pandora seemed to flinch at his question. She did not meet her eyes as she skirted around a straightforward answer. "By the shore," she replied finally. "I found him by the shore." Her answer rang hollow. Even Severus' eyes were more hidden than usual.

James released Pandora and stared after her, resentful at being excluded from their secret. He followed after them like a dejected shadow. He silently watched as Madam Carnish and Pandora fussed over Severus. James decided to ask Pandora of the truth later, and focused instead on Severus. James took Severus' drenched and frozen robes as soon as he had been stripped free of them and carried them off to a linen basket. He returned in time to see Pandora informing a house elf she wanted hot broth.

Albus Dumbledore had entered the infirmary by the time Pandora received the broth and was setting up a tray. James found himself with nothing to do, so he satisfied himself by sitting on the edge of the bed. Words were exchanged to discover what happened. James watched as his older brother sank within the folds of the warmed blankets. "I think that Lucius meant to scare us," Severus said.

James gazed at Severus with concern, knowing full well how cruel Lucius could be when he was in the mood for it. When Dumbledore asked Pandora where she had found Severus, she gave him the same answer James had received. Even Dumbledore knew she was not saying everything, and again James felt the same flare of resentment.

That passed almost immediately when he learned that Severus would receive his own Sorting Ceremony. He excitedly told Severus of how the Sorting had been like in the Great Hall. He recalled as many details as he could, and those that he could not he made up. He could just imagine Severus' sarcasm upon learning how worried James had been.

McGonagall brought forth the Sorting Hat, followed closely by Lily, Sirius, Frank and Remus. She perched the Sorting Hat on top of Severus' head. James watched Severus' face closely. He hoped that Severus would be a Gryffindor too. Severus was strong and brave, even more than James. If they were together in the same House, then it would be almost like home! He even told Severus something to that. "I hope you wind up in Gryffindor too. Then we can all be together!" He ignored the look of dismay on Severus' bony face.

To James' own horror, the Hat announced Slytherin. James felt another ache blossom within his chest. Severus looked at him smugly as Pandora beamed proudly. But that was the House that Lucius was in! James knew, without being told, that Severus was in great danger. "That's where Cousin Lucius is," he whispered when the adults moved out of hearing. The others seemed to sense how James felt, for they, too, appeared worried.

Henceforth, James donned upon himself the task of being the Older Brother. His decision to do so seemed to go unnoticed by Severus, since Severus still acted as if he were the older brother. Sensing the danger Lucius posed, James sought to keep Severus well in his sight and met with him on a steady basis. Doing so informed Lucius of how much attention James was paying his brother, of how very little would escape his notice. If Severus moved oddly, looked strange, or there was discoloration upon his body, James would know immediately. And so would Pandora.

James met with Severus early every morning. He would bound across the room from the Gryffindor table to the Slytherin table and then came back — usually with Severus on tow. After a few weeks, no one blinked in surprise at the sight of a lone Slytherin eating at the Gryffindor table. It was unprecedented, to be sure, but this was the Snape/Potter family – unprecedented was normal for them.

James made sure that Severus could not escape by engaging him in conversation about his day, his classes, news from Pandora. Anything he could get Severus to listen to without leaving abruptly was reason enough for James to babble. James decided that the longer Severus was in his sight, the less chance he had of getting hurt by Lucius.

As the weeks progressed, James discovered another method of keeping Severus close or, in the very least, on a regular schedule that brought Severus close.

Peter, since he had been rescued from the waters (sort of) by James, clung to James as his protector as easily as he had clung to Severus as his protector on September 1st. Seeing another human so much like Jonathon, innocent and vulnerable, James allowed Peter to cling to him. When James learned of how Peter was often ignored by their fellow Gryffindors merely because Peter, like Oliver Potter, lacked a sort of presence, James declared Peter one of his best friends and brought him into the inner-circle where only Remus and Sirius dwelled.

Only once did Sirius try pulling a prank on Peter, as he did everyone else. James made Sirius swear he would never again toy with Peter in any way after James learned of how Peter had been "chased by g-g-ghosts a-and locked in-in a d-d-dark, d-d-dank closet with a B-b-b-b-bogey!"

When James learned of how Peter lagged in his classes, he tried to help Peter study. However, James was not the teaching sort. Peter needed someone articulate enough to explain a single meaning in so many different ways. That was where Severus came in. James had always admired Severus' quick tongue and sharp wit (so long as it was not used on him, of course). He knew that Severus was good in his classes and that the professors sometimes paired him off with slower students.

With Remus and Lily to help temper Severus' quick tongue and sharp wit, James coaxed and pleaded Severus into tutoring Peter. When James saw how successful that was and how it occupied Severus, who generally spent a great deal of his time reading, sulking in some obscure corner and ignoring the world in general, he decided the idea was good enough to work again.

And again, and again, and again.

James brought any student he knew who was having difficulty in classes to Severus for tutoring. Severus grunted, gritted his teeth, glared at James, but never complained. James loved him all the more for it.

But Severus needed to do more than just tutor. All work and no play made Severus a very dull boy, after all. James forced Severus into as many activities as he could; yet the only one that seemed to hold Severus' attention for any reason was Quidditch. It was not so much as Severus liked to play Quidditch, or even fly for that matter, but that he enjoyed both the quiet company of Lily and Remus, and watching James participate in something James cherished.

James loved to fly. In the air, he was as free as the wind with which he danced. In those glorious moments when he was suspended above the ground, caught within the chances between being hurled endlessly through the blue skies and plummeting to the ground far below, James felt power lines that arched through and beyond reality. James was beyond the reach of time in the air, an endless ball of energy and life that could survive all mishaps.

How could Severus possibly not care for something like this? Quidditch combined this endlessness with the heady rush of competition and desperation of a catch, of power and the struggle thereof. How could anyone possibly not care for this? James scoffed at Severus' lack of interest in flight or Quidditch, and felt sorry that his brother could not know and therefore understand such a tangled web of magnificent feelings and wonder.

In their third year, everyone went regularly to Hogsmeade. Severus was always brought along much like excess baggage. He grumbled, complained, and made sarcastic comments of how fun brought out the idiocy in people, but the others ignored him. James knew Severus spoke out of habit, and not maliciousness or genuine dislike.

At least he hoped that was the explanation for Severus' constant bad mood.

If the bad mood was genuine, James attested it to Lucius. The rumours that Lucius eagerly spread around Hogwarts through people who had followed him through the years were difficult for James to stop. He fretted over the malicious lies. Each one he heard he told Severus himself, so Severus would not overhear them from someone who believed the lies or would use the rumours against Severus.

James made sure no one could harm Severus with twisted and biting words, although no one had the skill to face Severus with his favourite weapons: sarcasm and verbal malice.

Severus acted as if he cared less for the rumours, but James felt otherwise. In some level, surely Severus chafed against the vulgar and cruel slanders. Even Pandora was shocked to learn what a few were and went out of her way to give a piece of her mind to Romono Malfoy of his son's behaviour.

James did not take Severus everywhere or tell him everything that he did. There are few things that one should avoid telling their elder brother, and saying that he, James, was one of the biggest troublemakers at school was definitely one such thing. The Marauders, as Lucius had named the quartet that included James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, were notorious for their mischief.

But James wasn't dumb enough to brag about it to Severus, oh no!


Learning that Remus was a werewolf was a momentous event in James' life. He learned quite by accident. On home for Christmas vacation in their third year and Pandora off to confront Voldemort once more, James searched for something to read. In Pandora's library, tucked within the pages of a book he had never seen before, entitled Study of Voodoo Magic, James discovered a faded letter. Pandora had tucked it in a chapter that read "Voodoo Uses To Cure Magical Maladies." Curious of its contents, James read the letter.

It was addressed to Pandora from more than eight years ago. It was from Favian Lupin, who asked Pandora if she knew if there was any known possible cure for lycronthopy. My son, the letter read, was bitten by a werewolf. Remus possesses a tender and loving personality, very unsuitable to match that of a werewolf's! My wife and I love him too much to put him down, since he does not deserve that. Even if he is a danger, we know he would not purposefully harm humans as other werewolves have in the past.

That was as far as James could go. He slammed the book shut, shoved it back on the shelf, and ran all the way to Remus' home. Remus cried upon learning that James now knew of his "sickness." He held Remus as tears fell down his face.

"I couldn't tell," Remus whispered into James' tear-damp shoulder. "I couldn't tell anyone that I'm a monster. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm sorry."

James repeatedly told Remus that it was fine; he did not mind not being told, Remus was still his friend. He swore up and down how he would do his best to find a cure for Remus and, if that was not possible, would at least help ease the pain from that one time each month he reverted from being gentle, patient Remus to a cursed beast.

Pandora found James searching her library for information on werewolves. She raised an eyebrow at the gigantic pile of reading material he gathered together. James gazed at her with a grave calmness.

"I know," he said softly. "He's my friend, and friends help one another." He went back to his reading. "I will find a way to help him." Pandora selected two books – one from a distant bookshelf, the other from his pile of material.

"I have scoured this library six times over for help. I asked your grandfather if he could think of anything, but all our efforts have been for naught. The life of a werewolf is a cursed, horrid life that spins further and further out of control, and not something I would ever wish upon my enemies. I do not understand how the Lupins can possibly cope with the pain of knowing how much their loved one suffers. I cannot, nor will not, forbid you to do something you will do regardless of what I say. I believe you are mature and responsible enough to handle matters like a young adult. Remember to stay out of trouble above all else, and do not get bitten. I could not bear for any of my grandsons to suffer as Remus does." She found a place in one book and held it out to James. He accepted it.

Pandora bent over to plant a quick kiss on the top of James' head and departed. James looked at the books Pandora had given him. The one she had rifled through the pages of she left open on a new chapter that read, The Calming Influence of Magical Animals. He picked it up and looked beneath to the other book she had given him.

Animagus: Finding Your Aspect


Some years later, Pandora's words echoed hauntingly through James' mind as Severus trembled before him. Severus made an impressive figure as he stood regally before the swaying Whomping Willow, but the look in his eyes shattered James' heart.

If Jonathan had a look in his eyes when his head was torn free from his body, James felt it would have looked just like Severus'. It would have been agony, sorrow, disbelief, and devastated remains of trust all mixed together to form a single lump of desolation that stole away light. He had never seen Severus lose so much control. He had never known how angry Severus could become.

He had never thought Severus could cry.

James never before realized how dangerous Severus was, or how much control Severus maintained over his temper. James' heart already bled from knowing he could have killed his brother, and Remus – dear, gentle, innocent Remus - would have been responsible.

James was no better than Voldemort. It was James' fault; he was all too aware of that. He knew he should have trusted Severus to tell him about Remus when Severus had earlier inquired of Remus' health. Yet how could such a subject be broached?

"Sure, Remus is sick. He's been sick ever since a werewolf bit him about ten years ago. How come you're just now noticing? A little slow on the up-take, brother dear."

How could he approach Severus with such a weighty secret? But he could have found a way to inform Severus. He could have told Severus just as he told Sirius and Peter (rather, explained, seeing as how they had overheard James and Remus speaking together of the matter). Because it was his fault, there was no need for Sirius and Peter to also bear the brunt of Severus' scathing anger. Had Pandora not told him to handle matters like a young adult? He would speak later to Sirius and Peter, but now was the not the time. Now was the time to reconcile with Severus, if that was at all possible, to repair the damage done.

When Sirius and Peter left, Severus became angrier, as if he had been waiting to be alone with James. This Severus, one who had little control over his temper, whose voice rose in levels of volume James had never heard before, whose insults and names were far worse than anything uttered, frightened James. Severus was always cool, calm, and collected. Severus was not this unstable creature who made James flinch in fear.

"Why?" Severus yelled angrily. "Why wasn't this entire mess simply cleared up with Sirius telling me about Remus? Why did he send me after a boy who was going to turn into a hungry werewolf?"

"He didn't mean to," James said. Perhaps if he spoke calmly, Severus would react in the same manner. If Severus stopped shouting, then he would be rational and controlled once more. James silently begged for his brother to return to being normal. He did not like this stranger who was so open with his emotions. "He only meant for you to see what we did."

"Why did he tell me to follow after Remus? How was that not meaning for me to get eaten?"

Obviously, Severus needed to be redirected from that direction of thought. "He only meant it as a prank."

"A prank that would have had me dead and Remus a murderer!"

Oh, worse! James was worse than Voldemort. Because of him, Remus would have lost all protection that Pandora had ensured him, and Severus would have been killed or cursed. His old family James could not protect. His new family he nearly destroyed himself. Stupid, bad, horrible. How could he? What would Pandora say? James' chest ached awfully at knowing how disappointed Pandora would be, how was wounded Severus' heart.
Severus paused a moment in his shouting. His chest heaved with ragged breaths. Something in his eyes glittered. "Have you no faith or trust for me?"

Agony exploded in James' chest. He turned away from Severus so his brother could not see the tears that threatened to spill. James tried to say something. Yes, he did trust Severus. He trusted Severus almost as much as Pandora. Well, perhaps not in the ways that he should, but he did trust Severus!

James tried to swallow the lump of flesh caught in his throat. He knew Severus awaited an answer, but James could not give one. Could not breath with the ashes coating his lungs, with this agony in his chest where his heart was aflame.

"So be it," James heard Severus say in a quiet, calm voice. James looked at him in a mixture of shock and hope. Severus had calmed down, finally – this was the brother he knew! Severus straightened to his full height and said, "So be it," again. With that, Severus abruptly turned from James and took one step towards Hogwarts. His leg immediately buckled beneath him and he nearly fell flat on his face. He caught the rough bark of a nearby tree, skin scraping loudly.

James hurried forward to help, but the dark, wild look Severus cast him made him freeze. This Severus was not the Severus of old, the calm and collected one. This Severus was a Severus who tottered on the edge of insanity, and all he needed to topple over was a single, inadvertent push.

Severus stubbornly gritted his teeth and pushed away from the tree; took another step forward. Again his leg buckled beneath him and he nearly collapsed. James looked down and saw the blood that ran down Severus' leg in rivulets. He stared in frozen horror as visions of blood sprayed against cabinets and knives, their edges dripping with red, flashed through the air into flesh. Severus managed a third step and would have fallen if he had not grabbed another tree.

"You — you were bitten?!"

Severus growled almost in the same manner as Remus did during the full moon. James wanted to scream, to claw the stabbing lump of agony ravaging his chest.

"Leave off," Severus snapped. Black eyes flickered over to him. The devastation of believing he had nearly been killed by his brother and friends was pushing the limits of sanity within Severus' mind. James ignored the snarl and grabbed Severus' shoulder. Severus jerked away from him and nearly fell over in the process. "Haven't you done enough harm?" Severus asked as he hunched over and hooked a trembling arm around a tree limb for balance. His voice broke in despair. James clenched his hand into a fist and walked around to face Severus.

"Damn it! Sev, why do you have to be so stubborn?" Severus' black eyes opened even wider than before and glared daggers at James. Gone was the tottering between sanity and insanity. All that filled the black eyes now was pain. Somehow, Severus managed to summon the strength to shout.

"And why can't you grow up? When are you going to realize that pranks and mischief are foolish, childish habits that only hurt people? For years I was the butt and the punch line of Sirius' jokes, and when it goes too far — what could have killed me is going to turn me into a monster — all you can say is 'he didn't mean to.'" Severus began to cry, and his voice dropped into a pleading whisper. "N-not meaning to does n-not excuse the fact that it happened! From the start — in Diagon Alley, in th-those days when I had no name, no family, no home, no no no hope, and rarely any food — you never gave me a single bloody chance... James, you are my brother. When did you treat me like a brother as much as you treated the others? You helped me, you cared for me, and you shared, but you never trusted." James closed his eyes in pain as tears pricked at them, and Severus dealt the final blow. "Is it any wonder why I am in Slytherin, the House most known for being untrustworthy?"

He heard Severus shuffle once, and then desperately begin to limp towards Hogwarts. James was overwhelmed with the pain in his chest. Everything was his fault. He tried, but it was not enough. On some levels, perhaps he did not try enough. Yet Severus was still in great need, and James knew he was not good enough, not skilled enough, to ease that need.

Grandmother. In that moment, when his chest ached with pain and his vision blurred with tears, James reverted back into an eleven-year-old boy. Pandora Potter was the one person James knew who could make things right. She would help Severus; she would make the pain go away. Without thinking, James transformed into a young buck. The stench of blood, fear, pain, and terror permeated his senses. The buck balked and danced skittishly about. James forced his human senses into command and shot past Severus in a mad dash. He scurried back to Hogwarts as fast as he could. At the entrance of the Hogwarts castle, he saw Pandora land before the great doors on her battered old broom, a trunk strapped safely behind.

He transformed back into his human self just as Dumbledore and Pomfrey exited the castle to greet Pandora. "Grandmother!" His call was flung wildly in her direction. James could not disguise his terror for Severus' safety within his voice. Pandora hurried forward to meet with him, eyes wide with unknown fear. James skidded to a halt, whipped around without saying a word, and ran back in the direction he had come from. He could not bear to look into his grandmother's eyes when he told her of what happened to Severus.

"I do not understand how the Lupins can possibly cope with the pain of knowing how much their loved one suffers . . . I could not bear for any of my grandsons to suffer as Remus does."

"Severus has been hurt!" he called over his shoulder. He heard Pandora give chase, followed by Pomfrey who knew that anyone hurt would have to see her eventually. James felt the agony in his chest increase to an indescribable level. His voice choked with tears. "Remus bit him." That was when he heard a third person join their run and knew that Dumbledore was following closely behind. Long moments later, they met with Severus.

Severus leaned tiredly against a tree, his entire body trembling with fatigue and pain. His robes clung to his body, soaking wet from the sweat that drenched his body. Severus' feverish eyes were unfocused and glazed over when he lifted his drooping head. He swayed slightly as Pandora came into sight. While James stopped just out of Severus' reach, Pandora continued running until she reached Severus' side, catching him in her arms. Severus clutched her desperately like a little child. He fell to his knees and buried his face in her breast.

"How long does it take for a bite to take effect?" Pandora asked Pomfrey. It was Dumbledore who answered her.

"About a quarter of an hour."

James refused to look at Pandora. He could not bear to see the pain in her eyes and face as she beheld one of her worst fears taking place. He heard her curse rather colourfully. So that was where Severus had gotten some of his vocabulary…

"Any cure?" Pandora sounded desperate.

"None that I am aware of."

"Any way to halt the werewolf's magic when bitten?"

"None that I am aware of."

That was when Remus in his werewolf form, momentarily forgotten, howled. Pandora cried then and James forced himself to look, to bear witness. Pandora wrapped her arms tightly around Severus' form and buried her face in his wild curls. Her shoulders shook for a moment before she looked up at James. He flinched as her eyes settled upon him, but the only emotion in them was a resigned misery. He unconsciously lifted his hand to claw at the agony within his chest. "I'm taking him to someone who may help," she whispered before she Apparated away with Severus in her arms.

James stared at the empty spot, droplets of blood staining the grass. He barely felt Dumbledore's arm circle around his shoulders and pull him into an uncomfortable embrace. "It hurts," he mumbled into Dumbledore's robes of pumpkin orange. "It hurts like Jonathon." He felt Dumbledore stiffen.

"Come." Dumbledore led James away from the area. No one said anything as Dumbledore took James to his office. He made James sit down and accept tea with enough sugar to send a diabetic into a coma. He did not make James tell him about what happened or explain matters. Instead, he stroked his beard thoughtfully as he studied the tea leaves. "Did I ever tell you of how your aunts Anastasia and Edwina turned the entire Hogwarts staff into Puffskiens?"

James had heard of the entire Hogwarts staff being turned into Puffskiens, although Pandora had always thought it had been the work of Adam Longbottom.

Dumbledore passed the time with stories of Anastasia and Edwina's pranks. James' life seemed to parallel with theirs so much that it seemed they guided him in their afterlife. Despite of the agony in his chest, James still found himself laughing at their mischievous nature.

James eventually fell asleep in the chair. He awoke when someone touched his shoulder, and found it to be Pandora. Dumbledore had withdrawn to grant them privacy. She gave James a tired smile as she leaned against the chair.

"Carelessness," she said softly, "is a strange thing. Many people agree that it is created by stupidity. This is true. It is also caused through recklessness, negligence towards responsibility, ignorance of the entire situation, and lack of foresight. Remember, James, your entire future depends upon two things: the choices you make, and the carelessness that makes the choices for you. Carelessness is what happens when we do not see, on all levels, what our decisions cause. As this is impossible to everyone, no matter who they are, everyone is guilty of being careless. However, some carelessness can actually be prevented if that person realizes the immediate consequences that follow at the heel of the deeds. Beware, for carelessness is a trap that we all fall into."

She planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "I love you, James. Remember that no matter what you do or who you become, I shall always love you." She stood and placed a firm hand upon his shoulder. "I cannot blackmail you into the same attitude, but I beg you to always remember that love is unconditional. Remember to love Severus no matter who he is or what he becomes. He is a smart one, but love escapes his knowledge. He does not understand it, and less so than even you or I, and it is because of his life. He has wanted to control his life from the moment he left the slums – do not try to stop this. Help him, support him, and let him know that you are reliable. It is all you can do now after what has happened."

James nodded, unsure of what she was trying to tell him. Pandora smiled again. "I leave now," she said. "There are things about Voldemort none of us understand. To do so, I must trace his footsteps through his past. He is what he created himself to be, and we must learn of how he did so. I do not know when I will be back or how long it will take me. Farewell." She turned and walked away.

It was the last time James would see his grandmother until he sought her out for Severus' sake once more.


LOVE'S TRIUMPH

James, in every instance in his life, had a strong, prominently independent, female role model in his life. There would have been those who would say that a lack of a father figure would cause him social and emotional problems when he was older, but James never seemed to notice. To James, sex and gender meant nothing more than the sort of clothes you had to wear because of society's standards. The only thing he ever attested to the individual sex was his grandmother's chest, the rounded softness that he often buried his face in when he was younger and was trying to sleep through nights where it was too silent and all he could do was think and remember of a past tainted in crimson.

Shortly before Christmas, when McGonagall had accompanied Pandora's grandsons back to Dinsmore, James realized how final Pandora had made her goodbye. He locked himself in her room and stared at the Mirror of Rebounds, covered as it was by a simple blue silk cloth. Tears streamed down his face as he rocked in Pandora's rocking chair, wrapped in the white shawl that Pandora's mother had made and what Pandora would wear around her shoulders on cold evenings.

"Hey, kid, what's the matter?"

James did not even look away from the Mirror of Rebounds. He hated the thing. It killed his parents. It killed his brother. It probably took Pandora away from him. He cursed its existence. He cursed its maker.

"Hello? Heeeellllllooooooo…"

"Go 'way," James muttered. He was used to seeing Cousin Quigley Snape, but only when the ancestral portrait was heavily intoxicated and blubbering tearfully of some injustice another portrait had committed against him. Cousin Quigley was not someone James wanted to associate with, even if he were not in his current state of misery.

"You look like you just lost your best friend."

James pulled his knees up to his aching chest. In some corner of his mind, he knew that Pandora would scold him for putting his feet on her rocking chair's cushion.

"Surely it can't be all that bad."

James lifted one hand up long enough to wipe the moisture from his vision, but he only succeeded in making his blurry vision worse.

"I mean, you're a survivor. You've been through worse and I'm sure you can get through this."

James whirled around to face the still-life painting of a crooked jug of milk and a bunch of wrinkled purple grapes that hung beside Pandora's bedroom door. "Will you shut up!" he snapped at the rumpled figure that sat with his back against the jug of milk. Cousin Quigley was in his early thirties, but looked about twenty years older than that due to his excessive drinking habits. His hair was reddish-brown, and he was podgy rather than compact like the other Snapes. He looked puzzled at James' outburst.

"Why?" he asked.

James tried to reply, but sobbed instead. He turned away from Cousin Quigley and pulled Pandora's shawl tighter around his body, trying to keep himself from blubbering like a baby. Sev wouldn't cry – but then, he wasn't Sev.

The cloth slid off the Mirror of Rebounds and Cousin Quigley appeared within the smoky glass. He frowned thoughtfully and folded his arms over the curved frame. "You know," Cousin Quigley began, "this is just another point of your life. Everything that you do creates what you become. If you insist on moping, you'll never get anything done."

James whimpered. "She's gone."

"Of course she is. But that doesn't mean she won't be back."

James wiped his runny nose with a corner of Pandora's shawl. "She didn't say when she would."

"So?" Cousin Quigley shrugged. "She doesn't know, and it's better to leave an opening rather than a time restriction that she would have to break in the end." He blinked and rubbed his head. "Who is this 'she' we're talking about anyway?"

James growled. His hands itched to throw something at Cousin Quigley - preferably something heavy enough to smash the Mirror of Rebounds at the same time. "You don't understand anything!" He pressed one hand over his heart, which pounded with great, thundering, agonizing booms.

Cousin Quigley seemed to sense James' pain. He hugged himself and gazed at James with haunted eyes. "I understand far too well," he whispered. "While your loved ones were taken from you, mine I purposefully sent away. And this I do know of you: James Potter, you will die of a broken heart."

With those ominous words, Cousin Quigley began to retreat backwards with his eyes capturing James'. Then he tripped backwards, his arms pin-wheeling in the moments before he toppled over. "Ach!" he cried, out of sight. "A perfectly good exit ruined thanks to you brats!"

The portraits of Anastasia and Edwina popped into sight. They bore a resemblance to Pandora, owing to her once-black hair, but they had Francis' eyes and leanness. The twins grinned good-naturedly.

"We," announced Anastasia, "have your whiskey!" She did a little dance with the small brown bottle she held.

Edwina laughed and lifted her own hands to reveal her surprising theft. "And your shoes!"

Giggling like schoolgirls, they gathered their skirts and dashed away as Cousin Quigley staggered to his feet and shook a fist at them. "You brats!" he yelled as he ran after them.

Pandora's portrait wandered into view. She clucked her tongue and put her hands on her hips as she stared after the retreating portraits. "Children," she muttered disdainfully. She looked at James, but her words were meant for everyone. "You all need to grow up." James whimpered and her expression softened. "My dear," she said, "I saw Severus moping in the kitchen, grumbling about how it's just like you to leave him to a miserable Christmas. Wipe your eyes, wipe your nose, and go share the holiday with your brother." She waited expectedly for him to move.

"Grandmother?"

"Yes?"

James hesitated. It was difficult to speak of his grandmother to his grandmother when that grandmother, technically, was an object of paint and canvas that moved within pictorial realms. "Will you ever be back?"

She hesitated with her answer, as if she well understood how he felt. "I don't have to be back," she said finally as she tilted her head to the side and regarded him thoughtfully, "I'm always here. Perhaps misplaced in some ways, but I'm always here for you hold my heart in your hands."

James smiled at her then, a smile that shone bright beyond his tears.

Severus was quiet and sullen when James joined him. They somehow managed to scrounge a Christmas dinner together without speaking. James cooked and Severus did the dishes. The bright side was a quick note that Pandora sent them. It said, in so many words, that she missed them, hoped they were getting along or at least staying out of trouble, and that she was following a trail two decades old of a man who searched for powers wicked and immense.

Christmas vacation came and went without communication between Severus and James. James sensed that Severus was trying to distance himself from everyone. He noticed how Severus even avoided the portraits, which was something he had never done before (unless it was Anastasia and Edwina, and only then he did so when Sirius was around). James bit his lip in pained silence as he watched Severus sitting alone in a quiet corner with a blanket thrown over the near-by portrait frame.

Severus was the sort who distanced himself from pain. Being used to it but ignorant of how to react, Severus instead removed himself from the source as swiftly as possible. Not knowing how else to respond, James did what Pandora had told him. He continued to love Severus, despite knowing that the only thing Severus would allow was James' respect. James complied with Severus' withdrawal from the world, but only because it seemed to make Severus… not so much happy, but perhaps a little more satisfied.

The night before they were due to return to Hogwarts, James went down to the Lupins' place. He saw Remus seated under a tree not far from the house, staring at the slivered moon between the tree branches. James silently sat down beside Remus.

"He'll never be the same," Remus whispered. "I'll miss him."

James, knowing that Remus spoke of Severus, silently agreed.

On the Hogwarts Express, James saw Lily. She sat inside one of the compartments with Peter, dressed in a simple blue shirt and a pair of striped trousers since she hadn't changed into her shapeless school uniform yet. James sat on the other side directly across from her, opened his mouth to greet her, and froze.

Lily has boobs?

James gaped at the outline of Lily's supple bosom. She followed his gaze and then hastily kicked him in the knee. Her face was bright red as she hurried from the compartment with her arms wrapped around her chest.

Sirius nudged James. "Any particular reason why you were staring at Lily?"

James looked wide-eyed at Sirius as he absently rubbed his sore knee. "Lily's a girl!"

Remus snorted. "What gave her away? The fact that she doesn't stay in the boys' dorm with us these past four years?"

"How come you never noticed it before?" Sirius wondered.

Faced with this world-shaking discovery, James saw Lily in a whole new light. He had always known that she had a sharp sense of humour that skirted beneath the surface of a quiet, demure child. That quietness slowly receded with age, and her demureness became confidence with maturity. But there was more to her now, he realized.

James tried not to stare at her chest, but every time Lily came into view throughout the remaining school year, he craned his neck to see if he could detect the subtle curve beneath her school uniform. Lily, sensing that James' fascination with her blossoming womanly assets, did her best to evade him. It was a wild chase as James sought Lily and Lily avoided James. In the dark shadows, Severus observed both of them.

By the time Easter arrived, Severus had established a profitable betting pool of the day that James and Lily would marry.

"I should probably be stopping this," Dumbledore said as he looked over the calendar where Severus kept bettors' names listed on the days they placed their money. "But we shouldn't discourage the entrepreneur spirit." He neatly wrote his name on July 31st. "How is your grandmother?" he asked as he rifled through his pockets.

"She's tired," Severus said solemnly.

"Ah." Dumbledore handed Severus five galleons and then hurried away before McGonagall found him with the bookie-playing Severus.

Lily was shocked to learn that Severus was taking bets on hers and James' wedding date. "We haven't even kissed!" she exclaimed.

Severus shrugged and waved the calendar before her. "Ten sickles will get you on the list. I guarantee you'll make a killing." Lily, both dismayed and embarrassed, fled. Severus sighed. "Well, I see my talents are required."


James was surprised when Severus approached him for the first time since Pandora had left.

"I have a challenge for you," Severus said as he stopped just short of where James was seated in the library. He set a piece of parchment and a quill before James. "I want you to write a mushy poem about someone you love."

James stared suspiciously at the parchment. "Like Valentine's Day mushy?"

"Narcissa said you were incapable of mushy rhymes. I said otherwise. Write something like you're sending it to a girl you really, really like."

James looked sideways at Severus. Severus stared back with the same sour, tight-lipped look he wore regularly since the werewolf incident. James tried to believe it was possible that Severus was capable of pulling a prank on him… But Severus and prank did not go well together in the same sentence, unless Sirius was somewhere in between. Besides, Severus was willingly talking to him! That was reason enough to do this.

"All right." James pulled the sheet of parchment close and stared at it.

My dearest love, he wrote.

Severus snickered. "You can do better than that."

James glared at him. "I'm just getting warmed up here!" He scratched out his first sentence and wrote, When I think of you,

"Try again, this time with some imagination."

James growled. "I know of fleas more supportive than you. How would you suggest I begin?"

Severus thought briefly before he answered. "If you were like a flower."

James gave him a dirty look.

"I said you had to write something you'd be sending a girl. We're trying to prove that you can write mushy rhymes."

"Hmm." James felt an inkling of suspicion form. Severus may have been above jokes, but he would not deliberately deceive James.

Would he?

If you were like a flower, he wrote. He chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully for a moment, and then added, I would praise your fairness, your beauty.

Severus snickered again. "I mentioned originality already."

"What you gave me wasn't much to work on with," James snapped. He scratched his head furiously for a moment, licked the tip of his quill, and began to write frantically.

If you were like a flower,

I would not pluck you.

It would test my willpower,

Still I would love to.

Severus grunted. "That has about as much sense as Sirius possesses."

James ignored him.

Too wild, too free, special.

I could not bring a ruin to that.

I am fetched with your being so beguile,

My feelings dance like an acrobat!

Severus rolled his eyes. "I'm going to lose that bet with Narcissa," he complained. "And acrobats do not dance."

James threw his hands up in the air. "I'm trying, okay?"

I would admire you from afar.

And love you ever sweetly.

Your beauty no one shall mar.

I'll see to that, trust me.

If you were like a flower,

I'd water and care for you.

My need for you would never sour.

I swear it is all very true.

If you were a flower,

And should I ever pick you,

It's because of the power,

You hold my heart hostage due.

James looked at what he scribbled. "Maybe I should add a doodle of Narcissa's head on a pike," he suggested maliciously. If there were any way he could irritate Severus' older Slytherin classmates — even with a sappy poem — he would do so.

"Just sign it to prove you wrote it and give it to me."

"The poem's not that bad." James scribbled his name at the bottom.
"It's atrocious."

James crossed his arms. "If it's so bad, then why are you taking it?"

Severus picked the parchment up and rolled it into a tight cylinder. "Because," he said softly, "if nothing else, it's something of yours that I can keep." He swept away before James could think of a response.

Severus retreated from the library tracked down Lily. She was seen speaking to a few first year Gryffindors. As humans are creatures of habit, Severus knew that if she had not been made a prefect then Lily would have been found in the library with James. That would have made his scheme slightly difficult to carry out.

He waited for Lily to finish her attempt of kindly explaining to the Gryffindors why Slytherins were such trouble-causers to the other Houses. He ignored the wide-eyed stares the first years gave him as Lily finished her explanation. She jumped in surprise when she realized how close he stood to her.

Severus glared at the first years until they scuttled out of his sight. He turned to Lily and held James' poem out to her. "This is for a flower," he said tonelessly with a slight twitch, as if he was irritated with the prospect of delivering it. "Just between you and me," he leaned close so she could catch his whisper, "I would place its value on the effort, if not the style." With a quiet snort, he whirled around on his heel and swept away.

The next day at breakfast, Lily cautiously sat at James' side before Sirius arrived for breakfast. She smiled and covered his hand with hers. "It was very beautiful," she told him softly. Unsure as to what she meant, James nevertheless felt his heart thump in painless excitement at the soft hand that covered his wind-roughened knuckles.

In the two years that followed hence, James and Lily underwent a storm of passion and indifference. The students and teachers watched their wild courtship with bated breath. Just when it seemed that Lily and James were about to crash together in a flurry of horribly-rhymed poetry and frantic kisses, they coldly withdrew from one another. They stepped about carefully, as if walking upon broken glass, with one another for some time after such a withdrawal, and then chemistry would sizzle and explode into a fierce passion once more before another cold withdrawal fell upon them.

Under such roller coaster circumstances, Severus made an economical killing with his betting pool.

James happened upon this knowledge of Severus' betting pool quite by accident. He overheard Sirius telling Peter that Severus was up to no good. "Who knows what he would do to James and Lily's relationship since he's the one taking the bets over when they'll get together?" Sirius whispered loudly to Peter, who vigorously nodded his head in agreement. James butted in between them and demanded an explanation. Amid stutters and hesitated silences, James managed to piece together how Severus had developed a betting pool based completely off of his relationship.

James stormed over to the Slytherin table where Severus sat alone, munching contentedly on a piece of toast slathered with enough butter to cause a multitude of heart attacks in a geriatric ward.

"Severus," James said between gritted teeth, "may I have a word with you?" He nodded towards the doors. "In private?" Severus shrugged and carried along the piece of toast.

"What is this betting pool I hear about?" James demanded when they stood together privately. Severus ignored him as he rescued a glob of butter before it slipped off the side of the toast and fell to the floor. "Sirius said that you were taking bets on when Lily and I are getting married? We haven't even decided that we would!"

Severus took a large bite of his toast and chewed thoughtfully. His eyes were hooded and calm as he studied James.

"Is it true?"

Severus shrugged. "Ten sickles will get you on the calendar."

James stared at Severus in shock. "You stop that!" he declared finally. "Call the entire thing off! Give those people back their money!"

Severus shook his head. "No."
"I'll tell Dumbledore!"

Severus smiled smugly. "He has five galleons invested."

"I'll tell McGonagall!"

The smugness was beginning to infuriate James. "She has two galleons invested."

James stuttered to a halt, scratched his head vigorously, and then tried again. "I'll tell Grandmother!"

Severus crammed the rest of his toast into his mouth. "I don't care."
So James did. He fired off a hasty letter to Pandora, explaining the situation and what Severus was doing about it. Pandora's reply was quicker than usual.

July 31st. Ten galleons. Take the money from my account, Severus.

Love, Pandora

PS James, stop causing contention. >:(

It was a self-satisfied Severus who told James of the letters' contents — minus, of course, the date that Pandora had selected. James' jaw hung loose in shock as Severus quickly slipped away before Pandora's letter could be ripped away from his hands.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked as she placed one small hand on his shoulder. James shook his head to clear it, and then frowned.

"My brother is a bookie," he grumbled, "and my grandmother gambles."


Lily and James were in one of their indifferent moods when their seventh year ended. Without too much of a backward look (at least, when he thought no one was looking), James set off to join the Department of Law And Order. With his background of Defence Against Dark Arts, his family connections, and Frank Longbottom's insistence, James was quickly allowed into the ranks of the Aurors, the wizarding equivalent to the SWATs. With Frank Longbottom as his superior and team leader, James found it easy to learn the protocols of the Aurors, their duties, and the reactions to dangers involved.

His time was mostly spent with learning and training to fight under difficult circumstances. He went home to Dinsmore as often as possible though. Severus remained cold and withdrawn, almost as if he resented James' presence. As he watched Severus stalk silently through the halls, still ignoring the portraits as they called after him, James knew that Severus would use any possible excuse to escape this world.

The only thing that kept Severus tied to Dinsmore was the need for someone to see to the Snape-Potter finances and the somewhat more insignificant duty of introducing the concept of magic to Muggle-born children and their families.

Dinsmore was distant and cold; it had felt devoid of warmth since the day Pandora left. Severus' coldly dominant presence seemed to strip James of any cheerfulness he might have had before he came to visit, though James did as often as he could. He knew and understood Severus would not leave Dinsmore to rot away without care, but he had a small inkling of suspicion that Severus might leave one day without a word. James did not want to be ignorant of Dinsmore's current status if Severus would do such a thing.

James often brought company along, more as a barrier against Dinsmore's emptiness and Severus' distant attitude than anything else. Sirius, Peter, Lily, even Remus if at all possible, all visited Dinsmore with him. Remus stopped after the first few times. He could stand the emptiness and Severus' attitude even less than Lily could, who left in tears after each visit. Frank was the only one brave enough to see Severus alone. He seemed less affected by the state of Dinsmore or Severus' attitude. Stubborn and patient with Severus, he brought along sweets that Severus was fond of but always refused to admit liking.

And then a slight change overcome Severus' attitude. It was not so much that Severus grew closer to James, or warmed up, but there was a desperate note in his voice that no one but James seemed to notice; a desperate, veiled plea for his help. After a few weeks, James decided to come to Dinsmore alone and present Severus as chance to speak intimately. Perhaps all Severus needed to confide with James was privacy.

James' suspicions were confirmed when Severus handed him a mug of hot cocoa and beckoned him to sit down at the kitchen table. Hot cocoa had been an unspoken signal in their youth at Hogwarts to brace oneself against inevitable bad news.

They both stared at their mugs in silence. James finally cleared his throat and spoke. "What is it?"

Severus snorted and pushed his hot cocoa away. "I have something very important to tell you," he began with a slight quiver in his voice.

Panic laced through James. A hand seemed to wrap itself tightly around his heart and squeeze painfully with each beat. He found himself automatically assuming the worst. "Is it about Grandmother? Have you received bad news from her?" A calm shake of Severus' heard stilled the panic, but not the pain or pressure in James' heart.

"No." Severus' black eyes begged James for his understanding. "But she would be so disappointed and saddened with me."

Uh oh, James thought. His heart throbbed in painful sympathy. "Severus Snape, what did you do?" It had to be something dreadful, because James knew that Pandora was proud beyond description of Severus ever since bringing him home from the slums, and nothing ever seemed to diminish that pride.

Severus snorted in disgust. "Don't talk to me like you're Grandmother. James, I have never asked much from you. I ask now that you hear everything I have to say, without interruption, and without judgment, until I say I have nothing more to say in my defence and reasoning. Please."

Nothing could diminish that pride… short of murder. And that was surely what happened – Severus went loony and berserk and probably killed an innocent someone who trespassed into that private bubble of his, like maybe the postman! James covered his face with his hands. "Oh god, where did you bury the body?"

"I'm not – I didn't – James!" Severus made a fist and pounded the top of the table. "This is damned hard enough as it is without your stupid jokes!"

James looked at Severus, not bothering to disguise his worry and panic. "I wasn't joking."

"Just – wait, please, or I'll lose my nerve and then we're both in trouble," Severus pleaded, sounding more vulnerable than James could remember. "Please. I know that Grandmother tried to get us to be good brothers, but it never quite worked. I never had the trust capable of asking you to trust me. It would never work for that. Now I am asking for your trust, and believe me, it is much harder to speak to you than it was committing my crime. Hear me out, please, before I begin to babble incoherently."

James stared at Severus for a long moment. The pain… He laid his hands flat on the table with his fingers splayed wide so he wouldn't give in to the urge to claw at his chest. The desperation in Severus' eyes was stark and raw. James wanted to cry for everything that should have been said but was not, for everything that should not have been said but was. Severus was giving him a great gift; one he did not deserve — at least, not after what had happened that one full moon so long ago, it seemed. That trust had been decimated beyond the hope of ever being repaired.

Now, though, Severus was trying to forge a new trust. "For you," James said hoarsely. "For the ties that make us family, for Grandmother, and for the sake of our being together makes us strong whereas our being separated makes us weak." And, just because he still thought that the problem occurred because of a temporary fit of lunacy, "As long as you don't expect me to help you bury the damn body."

It wasn't a joke, really, but it still earned him a weak smile. "There's no body. No interruptions?"

"No interruptions."

"It all starts with this." Severus visibly gathered his resolve together, clenched his fists, and then swiftly yanked back his sleeve.

The sight of Voldemort's black skull made James reel up and back in shock as pain exploded in his chest. He knocked his chair over and froze at the sound of it hitting the kitchen floor. He stared at Severus. Anger filled him until it almost pushed the pain out of his heart. He wanted to scour the Dark Mark away his brother's flesh with his own fingernails.

NO!

James looked into Severus' eyes and saw the resignation of a man who knew he was condemned. This… This could not be Severus' fault! Someone must have knocked him over the head and used a permanent marker as some sort of sick joke - but, but it wasn't. It wasn't, and somehow Severus was now forever branded as Voldemort's own.

James finally understood the haunted look in Severus' eyes that had plagued him for some time.

He would much rather have helped Severus relocate a dead body.

Because he was Severus' brother, and because he was Pandora's grandson, James found the strength to right his chair and sit down across from Severus again. But it was because he knew how difficult it was for Severus to even show him his arm that James made the decision to help Severus the best he could, starting by listening to what Severus had to say.

"I'm going to need something a bit stronger than hot chocolate," James said with a forced calm. "Where does Grandmother keep the vodka?"


The vodka settled warmly in his stomach. It did not ease the pain in James' heart, but he knew that if he drank enough of it then he would eventually feel too numb to care. It was a strong mixture — being Cousin Quigley's recipe for a Bloody Stressful Matter (or so the ancestor claimed as he directed James from one of the pictures nearby) — and did help stabilize his nerves. He smiled as bravely as he could and waved his hand in vaguely to encourage Severus. The grateful smile he received seemed to make up for all the trouble in the past.

This was the most important. For Severus to communicate, to share with James, as they should have as children.

"We all have choices," Severus said solemnly. "And I always tried to think carefully of the consequences of the choices I made." James nodded in agreement, because Pandora had told him the same. "It begins with Lucius."

James frowned. Ah hah! So there was a dead body! He knew it! Or, at the very least, there would be a dead body very, very soon.

He was sure Pandora would approve, just this once, and opened his mouth to inform this very thought to Severus. Severus held up a hand that stilled the worlds.

"I will have you know I did not deliberately seek out Voldemort." Severus began to rub his hands together, his words rattling against one another. "However, as Pandora Potter's grandson, Lucius believed Voldemort would be pleased if I were presented to him like a gift. So he made up a letter from Grandmother, and I stupidly opened it. There was a charm in the seal that knocked me out and Lucius whisked me away to Voldemort."

James dropped his eyes and studied the grain of the kitchen table; he clenched his drink tightly as the pain in his chest hit a crescendo. He was going to need a lot of booze to ease that pain.

Perhaps it would never ease.

"Voldemort gave me a choice: death or join him and receive anything I want. I decided death just wouldn't suit me, even though I've decided I'm going to haunt someone after I die." Severus' attempt to sound nonchalant fell flat to James' ears. "Share the misery and all that. With my luck being what it was at the moment though, I would die and not get to haunt Lucius."

The drink was suddenly pulled from his hands; James looked up, startled. "When I looked into Voldemort's eyes, I knew I had to fight him; I understood then Grandmother's desperation to understand the depths of that — that monster's power. But what good would I be if I died? I would not be the first person he would have killed, and no one else haunts him."

Severus paused long enough to gulp down a burning mouthful of alcohol, but James couldn't begrudge him for it. "So I said I would join him for knowledge."

James flinched. He knew that Severus always held knowledge and learning in high esteem, but Severus was not the sort to sell his soul for it... Right? James once more stopped himself from clawing at his chest, of ripping his beating heart from his chest so it no longer hurt, because Severus' decision had to be his fault — perhaps if James had pushed Severus and made him open up, then maybe this would not have happened. What was this called? A plea for attention?

As if sensing James' thoughts, Severus shook his head and held a finger in the air to emphasis his next words. " Knowledge of his actions. Knowledge that could be passed to the Aurors, who could use it to their advantage in the struggle to defeat him."

Oh. Oh dear. James had a feeling as to where this was going, and he did not think he cared for it.

"I would be a spy for you, James. I could give you the information you need, and if anyone asks where you got it, just tell them you have a spy, but don't mention my name. It must be a secret between the two of us. Dumbledore can't know, Lily can't know, Sirius can't know; don't even let Grandmother know. The less people who know of what I am, the less chance there will be of Voldemort finding himself in a position where he has to kill me."

The pain in his heart was beginning to choke the air from his lungs, and he guzzled the drink in a desperate attempt to deaden the pain. No no no no no-

"James? Please, don't let my choice be in vain."

James slammed his glass of vodka onto the table, wishing he could smash the glass or destroy the table or do something to ease the agony. He laughed bitterly at the irony of a Death Eater begging help from an Auror. "It never ceases to amaze me how Voldemort destroys our family so easily time and time again."

In that moment, an eerie sensation invaded James, like a torrid of freezing water that drenched the burning agony in his heart. It felt as if he had just discovered a truth, but it was too complex for him to understand with simple thoughts and words. He stood up and began to pace. At least it no longer hurt to breathe. He tried to hold on to the sensation, but his thoughts and worries could not deter from Severus.

"How can you be so calm about this entire thing? That mark is a death warrant!" He stabbed a vicious finger at the Dark Mark that seemed to glare at him. Severus' face reflected conflicting emotions — shame, stubbornness, regret — as he pulled his long sleeve over the Dark Mark to hide it from James' view. " There are those who will kill you first then ask questions later about why you were with Voldemort. I don't want to use you as a spy. It places you into too much of a risk with people doing just that."

Severus rubbed the Dark Mark through his sleeve as if it pained him "It wasn't much a family when I became part of it," he snarled. James bristled defensively and Severus, shaking his head and pressing his fingers against his temples, sighed in regret. "What would or could be destroyed was done so before I was adopted."

Again the eerie sensation filled James. James picked up his glass and carried it over to Pandora's store of various alcohols. He threw several unknown substances into his glass and hoped it would not kill him – Severus would never let him hear the end of it if he wound up being the dead body to bury.

When he sat down once more, he arranged his thoughts. As much as Severus wanted to help him, as much as his brother was trying to find good out of a bad situation, James had to explain that Severus expected too much. " If I use you as a spy, I would be no more different than Lucius. He used you to gain the favour of Voldemort, just as I would be using you to gain the favour of, well, I'd be using you." I'd be using you like Voldemort uses me against Grandmother. I'd be no better than him, and then you will die because of me.

"It's my idea."

"I don't like it." Grandmother is gone, and I know she isn't coming back. I can't afford to lose you. My heart – oh god stop the pain! "If Voldemort learns you're a spy, being Grandmother's grandson isn't going to save you. If the Aurors discover you as a Death Eater, being my brother will not save you. Either way, you're trapped." I will kill them to protect you if I have to, but we should not divide ourselves like this. I don't want to deceive people. If I had to chose between you and Sirius – oh god why why the pain make it stop. "Either way, you are trapped." Please, let's just get out of this together. Tears of anguish and misery were beginning to prick at his eyes, but he couldn't cry because Severus would sneer at him.

"And how many will die in the future?" Severus asked swiftly. " Right now, the Aurors are blind. You fumble in the dark, striking wildly at anything that moves. Voldemort has the advantage at the moment because he is a creature of the dark that knows exactly what is going on. How much could you change the odds if I feed you information? I could be the light in the darkness that would show you people where to go."

That nearly made James laugh, but he had a feeling Severus would sock him good if he did. Ah, Severus. Why did the Hat put you in Slytherin? Those are a noble Gryffindor's ideals! "I don't like using you. What if you give us false information accidentally? How will both of us feel then? What if we let something slip and Voldemort finds out? There are too many unknown factors here."

"Your biggest problem is that you don't want to use me."

No. Maybe. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it's wrong! It'll be just like the way Voldemort uses people. We don't have to stoop to their petty level. We're better than them." I won't become Voldemort and you won't be Pandora!

They glared defiantly at one another, refusing to budge over the matter.

Severus shifted in his seat and looked at James with hooded eyes. "Remember how we met Lily?"

That's a dirty, underhanded tactic… "If you change the subject, I'm going to decide this conversation is closed and will not allow it not be brought up again."

"I'm trying to make a point, you dolt, now let me finish"

James winced. Of course Severus would result to that sharp tongue of his.

"When Grandmother told parents that their children were capable of magic and that yes, magic did exist, she first learned how acceptable the idea itself was for the parents by watching us manipulate one another into getting the child's reaction to it. In this, we do nothing dif—"

"This is different!" James jumped to his feet and Severus shied back, crouching low like he wanted to retreat into the safety of the shadows. " This is not a game for us! There are too many lives and too many consequences now. We cannot afford to risk lives for a little bit of knowledge. I won't risk you." The older brother in James balked at the idea of risking his little brother. James fought to protect his loved ones, not jeopardize them. Now if he could just tell Severus how much he loved Severus, how important it was to him that Severus was kept safe, how much he wanted to keep the family together since the Potter trio was down to being the Potter duo. "Grandmother would have my head if—"

"And it is too late now!" Severus stood and loomed menacingly over James, vicious and graceful as a cornered panther that James once saw at the zoo with Pandora. It was unfair that James was the shorter of the two. "I am already a Death Eater. I have sat in on plans, made suggestions, and tomorrow, I lead an attack against the Muggle Slums of London. How do I back out of this situation? I can't. Where do I run that Voldemort will not eventually find me?" Severus swayed, his hands bunched in fists, and then added softly, "It was my life or Lily's."

James' strength disappeared as horror filled him, pain exploding in his chest. Not Lily. Not his dear, wonderful Lily. He fought back the tears. No, not her. But Severus – his dear, beloved, protective brother who was also a cruel and manipulative bastard! – would not back off and let James' heart recover from the shock.

"And now that it is my life, that will be forfeit should I turn my back on Voldemort. If you refuse to take advantage of the choice I made, then it's useless. My life will be worth nothing." Severus leaned forward until their noses nearly bumped. "Are you so bent on doing what is honourable that, when I try to leave Voldemort otherwise, I will be played with? Do you want that instead? I would rather be used as a tool that could stop him than a plaything for his amusement!"

Blood flooded James' vision. Blood that splashed on walls and puddled on the floor; blood that washed warm and sticky over his face and soaked his clothes. The stench of death, the taste of Jonathan in his mouth and the ashes filling his lungs and his heart broke and broke and there was Oliver, dead on his knees before Voldemort but his eyes wide and unseeing.

If Severus remains a Death Eater… James' imagination instantly conjured up an image of Severus splayed crosswise over Voldemort's knees. His throat was cut from end to end, and even as his blood spurted over Voldemort's body his face wore an expression of ecstatic rapture.

A voice, much like Pandora's, whispered in James' mind. We all have to die someday. We all every one of us were not meant to live forever. Tom Riddle, in that aspect, is an abomination. For the sake of future generations, we must sacrifice all that we have to assure a safe future for our loved ones.

"Fine," whispered James, against the pain in his heart. "So be my spy." He hurried away from the kitchen and stumbled up the stairs to the floor above. Tears streamed unheeding down his face as he finally reached and entered Pandora's room, seeking for some little sanctuary, some peace from the bombardment of those days with Voldemort.

He collapsed in Pandora's rocking chair and wrapped her white shawl around his shoulders. Something was terribly wrong when he wiped his eyes with a corner. The white was no longer white.

He dabbed at his eyes with his hands and stared in mute horror. Shaking, almost bent in half from the agony that threatened to explode from his chest, he dragged himself to the Mirror of Rebounds and yanked off its blue cloth covering.

Blood.

James Potter was crying tears of blood.