A response to the Introspection Muse Challenge. I was bored, and had some rare free time. Deal with it, if you can. ^_^ Warning: It gets angsty, but that's what you guys wanted, right? Rated PG-13 for all the usual reasons, of course.

The Sound of One Muse Angsting (I don't care if it's a real word or not, it FITS, dangit!)
By Yugi
(or XMAN0123, if you want to get all technical about it...)
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Dear Diary:

I've decided that I hate him. Of course, lots of Muses say that about their Writers. But I mean it. I hate the way he teases me, the way he knows what I'm thinking before I say it, and the way he and D are the only two non-fictives that can turn me into a total wuss with their mushiness. It used to be the other way around.

When it was just Nate and me, things were simple, mostly. I batted my eyelashes, pouted a little, gave him the Bambi eyes, and got just about anything I wanted. Or, if I didn't feel like going through all that, I just reached into his head and made him do what I wanted. Like I said, simple.

But just before D came along, I realized something. I wasn't just a Muse to him. I was his child, his anime addiction personified, the object of his affection, and best friend rolled into one energetic, adorable little ball. And so I love that baka, too.

Dammit! Vegeta's rubbing off on me again! If I ever slipped like that in front of Nate, I'd never see the end of his father-daughter bonding fics. He keeps joking that I'm permanently stuck in Super Saiyan mode. Of course, if I really was, he'd be cowering in fear instead of laughing at me. Maybe I'll get the V-Man to beat him up later.

So I love Nate, and I hate him, too. He won't love me back. At least, not the way I want him to. He keeps giving me reasons: endangering our "business" relationship and friendship, the jealous fictives that would be after him, and D, of course. But his biggest reason is the worst: he sees me as a child.

I am NOT a child. I'm over ten centuries old, and I have the wisdom and experience to prove it. Sure, I might act like I'm ten, but I've found that cuteness has its advantages. But Nate doesn't get that. Well, he does, but he acts like he doesn't. And that's what hurts the most. He knows how I feel, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way, but he won't do anything about it.

D tries to help, but she really doesn't do much. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her anymore. I mean, she's my sister and Muse partner in crime, and I love her. She even once told me that she wasn't really in love with Nate, that she just enjoyed the flabbergasted look on his face when she teased him. But Nate still uses her as a reason. He'd do anything to keep from falling completely in love with me. I hate that.

I haven't had too much luck with guys. Sure, I remember Angemon, Trunks (one of them, anyway), Heero, and most of the others fondly, but that wasn't real love. It was just ficcy love. It lasts for a story, and then it's gone. But I *love* Nate. There's no question, no doubt in my mind. I want to be with him for at least a century, and that's real commitment for me. Heck, for anyone!

But he keeps pushing me away. Sure, I can squeeze hugs out of him easily, and even some kisses (though most tend to land on my cheek or forehead). But it's not enough. I want more than just bits of affection. I don't want him to see me as a little girl anymore. I want to be more than just a source of inspiration. I don't just want to be a girlfriend, either. I want-no, need-more than that. I want to be his lover.

There, I said it. It's higher up than a girlfriend, but not quite a wife. I want us to be an item. I want him to let go of his silly little rules and say, "Sorry, D, but there's only room for one Muse in my bed tonight." Okay, so maybe he wouldn't say it like that, but you get the idea. And get those sick pictures out of your head! We don't *do* anything in there except sleep and snore. Well, Nate and D, do, respectively. But as for me, I stare.

I stare at Nate's face for as long as possible in the near-darkness, trying to figure out what it would take. Trying to find that one thing that would make him love me without any inhibitions. But I haven't found it yet, or maybe it just isn't there. Maybe it doesn't exist at all. I don't really know. But I won't stop looking.

Sometimes I wonder if he knows how much I care about him. I'm not sure, but every now and then, when I wake up in his arms (well, one of them), he's looking at me with a strange smile on his face. As if to say, "You're getting closer, Yugi. Just a few more steps, and we can be together." Well, what's what I imagine he's thinking. Usually makes my mornings go better, too.

I know he loves me to a certain extent. He has to. Even after D joined us, we have these days where we just sit there and look into each other's eyes. Usually, I'm sitting in Nate's lap, and he'll have his arms around me in that embrace that says, "I love you, but not *that* way." But when he's looking at me with that "I-wish-I-could-say-how-much-I-really-love-you" look, it's worth the torture.

I'm hoping he'll come to his senses soon. If he doesn't, I might have to go into his head and force him. I'd hate that, because it wouldn't be honest, but Nate doesn't realize how much I need his love. I'll take it, if I have to. I don't want to take it, but...well...I'm so tired of waiting, so weary of wanting him from far off. I know it would be like going back to my evil ways, but I can't help it. Sometimes I want him so much it hurts, and those are the nights that I spend alone, crying myself to sleep on Vegeta's couch or sharing Sasami's bed. She seems to know a lot about unrequited love from dealing with Tenchi, and she says she understands. Vegeta never says anything, and he clearly doesn't understand, but he cares (though he'd never admit it). That's enough.

Nate doesn't know about that stuff, of course. I could never tell him. He's really sensitive about my feelings, and it would kill him if he knew how much he was hurting me. He only teases me out of fun, and I can take that. It never occurred to him that my rediscovery of a love of blowing up things was directly related with his refusal to become more than friends. A Muse has to vent, after all.

Anyway, I better stop now, before I get too depressed. Nate can sense that, ironically enough. If know the true cause of my mood swings, he doesn't call me on it. He wouldn't dare do that, because the last time he did, he lost a good chunk of his apartment and some of his hair from the resulting explosion. Yes, he had the chunk repaired, and the hair grew back (not quite in the same way, but I'm not gonna tell him...), and he learned a lesson from it, too: Don't piss Yugi off if you value you life/living space.

So that's where I'll end this. Thanks for listening, or at least for holding still while I wrote in you. Cuz you don't wanna piss me off. You wouldn't like me when I'm pissed. With the exceptions of Vegeta and Cell, no one would.

Hugs & Kisses (Reserved Exclusively for Nate),
Yugi