Title: Losing 1/3
Author: Red Light District
Series: the Losing Arc is in The Two Tragedies universe. It will be followed by a Merry POV and a Pippin POV.
Warnings: More angst
Summary: A look inside Estella's head.
Author's Notes: This is all Estella's thoughts except certain parts, but they're pretty self-explanatory. Unlike The Two Tragedies the wedding is a past event not the present. Oh...I am assuming that the peoples of Middle Earth can use the word damn. Yes, I know that they don't have a hell, but let's pretend that damn refers to being condemned to Mordor or something like that.
I still can't belive my luck. I'm finally marrying you, despite everything. In exchanging vows, we'll be bound to each other. When we were courting I was so afraid. So unsure of your feelings for me. It was too much to believe that you loved me back. But I know even when we're married I won't have assurance. You still don't love me back. I'll never have your heart, but I'll have your affection, material support, and body. Perhaps I'll even bear your children, but you won't love me. Not even then.
I had dreamed of so much more.
Perhaps it's a bit cliche, but I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. I was a little girl then, but I knew exactly what I wanted. And it was you. You were always so kind to me even though I was younger. I must have seemed like the irritating kid sister that was always tagging along. So much time has passed since then. So many changes.
I spent years watching you. Studying you. If our school lessons had been about you, then I would have passed with flying colors. I felt that in watching I knew you better than anybody except Pippin.
I remember when you asked if you could start seeing me. I was shocked and ecstatic. And you always attentive. The perfect gentleman. Nobody could fault your behavior towards me. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. You seemed to care for me genuinely, and I was so happy. But things changed. They always do. He seemed to be hiding something from me. Even from Pippin. Especially from Pippin.
Of course there were signs. Little things that no one thought about. So insignificant. I've learned since that the insignificant can change to the significant with startling speed. It was all because of that thrice damned wedding.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The day of Peregrin's and Diamond's wedding arrived. It was a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky. I felt awful. Mother had always told me that my imagination would be the end of me. Yet no matter how I tried I couldn't seem to shake my bad feelings. During our walk I noticed that you seemed to share my feelings. My worry grew.
As we were seated, once again I wondered why Pippin didn't want you to stand up with him during the ceremony. It seemed so strange. After all, the two of you are best friends. I was a bit angry for your sake. It seemed like a deliberate slight. But I put aside my curiosity and anger. It was such a small thing. A tiny, insignificant thing.
Half the Shire had been crowded into the hall. After all this was quite an event. The only wedding that could equal this in importance would be your own. I briefly let myself fantasize that I would be part of your wedding as the bride. But you haven't asked me. In fact, you shy away from the topic of marriage. But there was still time to talk of that.
I reassured myself that one wouldn't court a girl so long without intending marriage. Such serious thoughts at a wedding. I surprised myself by worrying so. Surely I had no cause for concern.
Throughout the wedding you were so nervous. Edgy, even. You kept pulling at your collar and fidgeting on the bench. I thought you might be claustrophobic what with so many of us pressed together. I turned slightly to put my hand on your arm. I thought to help you calm down, but when I reached out you had already stilled. Finally calm you were totally focused on something. Curious, I looked around to see what had caught your attention. It was Pippin.
He was staring straight at you. He had such a look in his eyes. I can't describe it. Broken yet determined. So much love... and it was all for you. Not Diamond. He loved YOU.
Stricken, I turned to you half-afraid of what I knew I'd see. There it was. The same love mirrored in your eyes. You'd never looked at me like that.
I almost died in that moment. I should have known how you felt. I'd spent so much time watching you, studying you. I should have seen it before today. You're looking at him the same way that I look at you...
The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. When it ended you disappeared and I let you. I needed some time. I'm sure you needed it more than I. After giving you enough time to think, get drunk, or whatever I went to find you.
You were sitting at a table lost in thought with a tankard in hand. You seemed to have a collection of empty ones, and I hoped that you weren't too drunk. I took a deep breath and smiled before calling your name.
"Merry!" He started visibly, but walked over to me. Good. At least he can walk. "I've been looking all over for you! Where have you been?" Yes, that's it. Pretend I know nothing. "Around."
Around... why did I ever believe you loved me? This hurts so much, but I'll do anything to keep you.
"Well, I've got you now." and I'll never let you go.
I start to lead you towards the dancers, and chatter cheerfully about what a nice day it is. How lovely the wedding was. I don't remember. All I knew was that I'd do anything to make you forget about Pippin. I'd do anything to have you look at me that way.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It's my wedding day. I'm playing the role that I'd fantasized of for years. And that's just what it is. A role. It won't be real to you. I can't have the comfort of believing that you love me. No, that was taken from me at a different wedding not too long ago. Even though you're marrying me. Even when you say that you'll love me and cherish me for the rest of our lives. I still lost.
Congratulations, Peregrin. You win.
---
As usual this didn't turn out quite the way I intended, but I think it's pretty good even though it has more drama than a Harlequin novel. Lol. Don't forget to review.
Author: Red Light District
Series: the Losing Arc is in The Two Tragedies universe. It will be followed by a Merry POV and a Pippin POV.
Warnings: More angst
Summary: A look inside Estella's head.
Author's Notes: This is all Estella's thoughts except certain parts, but they're pretty self-explanatory. Unlike The Two Tragedies the wedding is a past event not the present. Oh...I am assuming that the peoples of Middle Earth can use the word damn. Yes, I know that they don't have a hell, but let's pretend that damn refers to being condemned to Mordor or something like that.
I still can't belive my luck. I'm finally marrying you, despite everything. In exchanging vows, we'll be bound to each other. When we were courting I was so afraid. So unsure of your feelings for me. It was too much to believe that you loved me back. But I know even when we're married I won't have assurance. You still don't love me back. I'll never have your heart, but I'll have your affection, material support, and body. Perhaps I'll even bear your children, but you won't love me. Not even then.
I had dreamed of so much more.
Perhaps it's a bit cliche, but I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. I was a little girl then, but I knew exactly what I wanted. And it was you. You were always so kind to me even though I was younger. I must have seemed like the irritating kid sister that was always tagging along. So much time has passed since then. So many changes.
I spent years watching you. Studying you. If our school lessons had been about you, then I would have passed with flying colors. I felt that in watching I knew you better than anybody except Pippin.
I remember when you asked if you could start seeing me. I was shocked and ecstatic. And you always attentive. The perfect gentleman. Nobody could fault your behavior towards me. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. You seemed to care for me genuinely, and I was so happy. But things changed. They always do. He seemed to be hiding something from me. Even from Pippin. Especially from Pippin.
Of course there were signs. Little things that no one thought about. So insignificant. I've learned since that the insignificant can change to the significant with startling speed. It was all because of that thrice damned wedding.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The day of Peregrin's and Diamond's wedding arrived. It was a beautiful day with not a cloud in the sky. I felt awful. Mother had always told me that my imagination would be the end of me. Yet no matter how I tried I couldn't seem to shake my bad feelings. During our walk I noticed that you seemed to share my feelings. My worry grew.
As we were seated, once again I wondered why Pippin didn't want you to stand up with him during the ceremony. It seemed so strange. After all, the two of you are best friends. I was a bit angry for your sake. It seemed like a deliberate slight. But I put aside my curiosity and anger. It was such a small thing. A tiny, insignificant thing.
Half the Shire had been crowded into the hall. After all this was quite an event. The only wedding that could equal this in importance would be your own. I briefly let myself fantasize that I would be part of your wedding as the bride. But you haven't asked me. In fact, you shy away from the topic of marriage. But there was still time to talk of that.
I reassured myself that one wouldn't court a girl so long without intending marriage. Such serious thoughts at a wedding. I surprised myself by worrying so. Surely I had no cause for concern.
Throughout the wedding you were so nervous. Edgy, even. You kept pulling at your collar and fidgeting on the bench. I thought you might be claustrophobic what with so many of us pressed together. I turned slightly to put my hand on your arm. I thought to help you calm down, but when I reached out you had already stilled. Finally calm you were totally focused on something. Curious, I looked around to see what had caught your attention. It was Pippin.
He was staring straight at you. He had such a look in his eyes. I can't describe it. Broken yet determined. So much love... and it was all for you. Not Diamond. He loved YOU.
Stricken, I turned to you half-afraid of what I knew I'd see. There it was. The same love mirrored in your eyes. You'd never looked at me like that.
I almost died in that moment. I should have known how you felt. I'd spent so much time watching you, studying you. I should have seen it before today. You're looking at him the same way that I look at you...
The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. When it ended you disappeared and I let you. I needed some time. I'm sure you needed it more than I. After giving you enough time to think, get drunk, or whatever I went to find you.
You were sitting at a table lost in thought with a tankard in hand. You seemed to have a collection of empty ones, and I hoped that you weren't too drunk. I took a deep breath and smiled before calling your name.
"Merry!" He started visibly, but walked over to me. Good. At least he can walk. "I've been looking all over for you! Where have you been?" Yes, that's it. Pretend I know nothing. "Around."
Around... why did I ever believe you loved me? This hurts so much, but I'll do anything to keep you.
"Well, I've got you now." and I'll never let you go.
I start to lead you towards the dancers, and chatter cheerfully about what a nice day it is. How lovely the wedding was. I don't remember. All I knew was that I'd do anything to make you forget about Pippin. I'd do anything to have you look at me that way.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It's my wedding day. I'm playing the role that I'd fantasized of for years. And that's just what it is. A role. It won't be real to you. I can't have the comfort of believing that you love me. No, that was taken from me at a different wedding not too long ago. Even though you're marrying me. Even when you say that you'll love me and cherish me for the rest of our lives. I still lost.
Congratulations, Peregrin. You win.
---
As usual this didn't turn out quite the way I intended, but I think it's pretty good even though it has more drama than a Harlequin novel. Lol. Don't forget to review.
