Disclaimer: As I forgot to mention in my earlier fics. I don't own anything/anybody you recognize. Tolkien made them up... I just like to "play" with them. 0= )

Title: Losing 2/3

Author: Red Light District

Summary: A look at Merry's thoughts

Warnings: Angst. I'm sure you're all shocked and apalled. Lol.

Author's notes: I jump around in this one. I think that the whens are pretty clear, but tell me if it isn't.

For we lose not only by death, But also by leaving and being left, By changing and letting go and moving on. Judith Viorst



I love him, and he loves me. What could be simpler? You'd think it'd be easy. It isn't though. Nothing of value comes easily. Does that devalue what Stella feels for me? No. I don't know what I'd do without her. But she isn't what I want.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She's worried. I can always tell because she can't stop talking. She flits from one thing to another to hold back the silence. I'm glad for her nervous babble today. It keeps me from the necessity of pretending to be happy and making polite conversation.

After the day you told me, we didn't meet again. I don't blame you. It would have been too painful to be in your presence. You sent me a letter though. It said that Sam would stand with you and would it be okay if I just watched? Perhaps it was silly, but that letter hurt. It was for the best though. I'm no coward, but I couldn't endure the torture of participating in your wedding. Not when it should have been me. I think you felt the same.

This wouldn't be so bad if I knew you loved her, i I'd never had a chance. I wish you hadn't said that in the end. Yet, at the same time, I cling to those words. They're all I have left of you.

Does Diamond know? I don't think you'd have the heart to tell her. You're many thingss, but never cruel. She's so in love with you; it would destroy her to know the truth. I'd like to hate the two of you, but I can't. She was my friend before I knew I loved you. You were more than my friend, and I'll always forgive you. But friendship for her can't rid me of the bitterness or the rage. Is it unfair to forgive you and despise her while she has done nothing?

Would it shock you to know that I want to break her the same way she's breaking me? I want to yell at her. Tell her that you love me and only me. I want her to know that you'll never be alone in your marriage bed because I'll be there. I'll be the one you see, not her.

If this was one of those stupid stories you used to love, then I would have been up there instead of you. You love me.... But this isn't a story, and because this is reality I'm sitting here, glued to my seat when I should be objecting to this farce of a wedding.

Why are are you looking at me? You shouldn't look at me like that on your wedding day. Do you want me object? I would if you asked. But you're not asking anymore. The moment has passed, and you're back to gazing at Diamond as if you love her.

I was almost glad when you didn't act on your feelings. It wouldn't have been right to break your promise. We wouldn't have lasted long living under that. Honor. We'll both marry for honor, but it's a hollow thing when what I want is you.

Honor is overrated. It never gave any of us anything worthwhile. Even during The War. Look at Frodo. He was Ringbearer out of a sense of honor and obligation. He tried so hard, but the Ring hurt him more than he could bear. Now he's gone. Sometimes I wonder if he loved Sam.....I wonder if they went through the same thing. It doesn't matter though. In the end, we decided what was truly important, and it wasn't each other.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm marrying her for honor, and now that I'm here...all I can think of is you. I think she knows. Something in her eyes is so sad. I'd probably look the same if I hadn't learned to hide it, but she shouldn't have a reason to look that way. Not unless she knows, and who would willingly enter a loveless marriage?

When I decided to do this I thought it was for honor. I thought it was because we had duties that were more important than our feelings and desires. I was wrong then. Honor is simply another word for fear. We were both afraid then. Afraid of love, afraid of the reaction, afraid of change. So we let go and thought we were doing the right thing. If I could go back to that day, then I would ask you to leave her. Honor be damned. It wouldn't matter if you'd say yes or not. As long as I asked, then I would know that I'd done all I could. And you would know how much I cared. If I'd asked, then maybe I wouldn't be here now. Maybe we would have lived the epic romance. I don't know. But I wish....

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

I should have asked.

--- TBC

This might be a bit jumbled, but I can't see it.... Please tell me if something didn't make sense.

Only one more part to go! We finally get to hear what Pippin has to say about all of this. If what's in my head can come out on paper, then it's going to be a trip.