DISCLAIMER: Hey Arnold-not mine, never will be.
I got up with a fresh start the next morning. I can do this, I thought, I can go to class with Arnold and NOT make fun of him. I looked into the mirror in my room and couldn't help but see the ugly little girl with the unibrow for a second. I still felt like her. I felt as though I hadn't changed at all. I grunted at my own reflection and walked away from it. I was tired that morning, I didn't get very much sleep the night before. I was too involved in writing hate poetry about my parents to realize the time. I smirked. Well, my parents ARE good for one thing. Inspiration.
I walked into the school building and saw Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold talking amongst themselves. Phoebe saw me right off, smiling happily.
"Oh, hello, Helga." said Phoebe sounding as if she'd just won the lottery.
"Hey, Pheebs, what's up?"
"Gerald and I are going to the cheese festival this Friday, isn't that just great?" she said ecstatically with genuine enthusiasm.
"That's the big 'whoop'? You ALWAYS go with him," I said, as if correcting her.
"Yeah, well, it's still wonderful when he asks me," she said as she and Gerald hugged.
"Oh yeah, I didn't mean to walk off on ya' yesterday, Gerald, I… well," I scratched the back of my head.
"That's as good as an apology for me, coming from you," he said with a chuckle. I rolled my eyes. Even though he was right, I still felt like he was selling me short.
"So, what's up, football head?" I asked, nudging him in the arm.
He smiled, "Nothing, Helga, just thinking about The Cheese Festival is all." I raised an eyebrow. He had this goofy expression on his face. What was wrong with him?
"Hello Arnold, it's just an ever so beautiful day, wouldn't you think so?" it was her, Lila, little miss perfect, little miss 'full of shit' is more like it.
"Yeah, sure is, Lila. Can we talk?" he walked off with her without so much as a goodbye to me. Stupid football headed do-gooder! I walked off too; I needed some time to cool down. I needed some time to put my thoughts together. I needed some time behind the dumpster.
I took out my most recent picture of Arnold in my heart-shaped locket and began, "Oh my dearest, why is it when I see you I want to TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF, yet hold you in my arms and kiss that weird shaped head of yours? Oh cruel world! Why must he still like that GOOD-FOR-NOTHING freckle-faced girl? Just when we were about to get on each other's good sides again-" I heard hard breathing and stopped. "SHUT UP!" I said in a squeal and smashed the guy's face with the back of my hand. "ANYWAY!" I said, looking slightly behind me, "oh the hell with it, the moment is lost!" I got up and walked away from the dumpster, feeling slightly better, but only because I punched Brainy. That always cheered me up.
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"Ok, here we are again today, as you can see, one of us has left, gone to a better place…" said Mrs. Vega poetically, then continued, "gone back to their normal classes, that is. I can only hope the rest of you join them… SOON."
All that was left in the class were Arnold, Big Patty, and I. We all sat in the back row with Patty on my left, Arnold on my right, and me smack dab in the middle, watching Mrs. Vega clean out her filing cabinets. I couldn't take that kind of boredom so I sat, half-sleeping, in my desk with my head down, "Stupid Miriam… no… no smoothies…" I said in my sleep, practically drooling on the desk… on second thought, I probably was.
"So Arnold, are you going to the cheese festival?" Patty asked.
"Yeah, with Lila… you? Are you going with anyone?"
"I WANT to go with Harold, but I think he likes Ronda. He'll probably ask her…" said Patty in that deep voice of hers. I shifted in my seat, remaining half asleep and half not.
"He'll ask you." said Arnold, reassuringly. Pfst! Why does he have to be so optimistic all the time? I mentally rolled my eyes.
"You think?" asked Patty in return, her voice a little softer. "So, Arnold, you never told me why you guys were in here in the first place."
"Well," he said then paused, probably making sure I was asleep before continuing, "Helga and I sort of got into this fight and it turned physical." Physical? We weren't having sex, we were about to fist fight! Sheesh, the wording that guy uses…
"Really? You mean…"
"No, I didn't hit her or anything" Arnold replied defensively with a nervous laugh, "She sort of was the one about to START the fight, you know?"
"Oh," Patty replied knowingly. There was a moment of silence, then, like a ton of bricks, "So, have you two ever had sex?" I coughed and stopped breathing for a second. I nearly fell out of my chair but caught myself and forced myself back down onto the surface of the damn desk. Hard.
I had to cover my sudden reaction so I coughed a little more and mumbled, "Bob… stupid beepers… crappy commercial…" I fake-snored. Good one, I sarcastically commented to myself.
"Pataki, are you all right?" called Mrs. Vega from her desk.
"She's fine," Arnold said, leaning closer to check if I was still asleep. There was silence. I could feel their eyes on me.
"ANYWAY, so have you?" Patty asked again. I was pretty sure I could feel the heat of Arnold blushing from my desk. I laughed at his discomfort. Again having to account for my sudden burst of laughter I mumbled a bunch of incoherent words and shifted in my sleep.
"Well, us together?" he asked, nervously, "o-or us with different people?"
"Um…" she thought about it, I swear I could feel her evil little smile. "The first one."
"Oh, no, I've never, WE've never done, had, what I mean is… why ask something like that? I mean, YEAH, Helga and I… that makes NO sense…" he rambled on but was cut off by her laughter. He gulped, "What?"
"I'm on to you…" she said. Even I didn't get that one. What did she mean?
"Huh?" Arnold asked as if reading my mind.
"Well…" she looked close at me, she too checking to see if I was indeed asleep. This is great, I should pretend to fall sleep in public places more often! I get to hear everything, I thought, and no one suspects a thing!
"Hey, hey, hey! What are you two whispering about back there?!" Mrs. Vega yelled as if we were all deaf. I flinched, hoping that neither Patty nor Arnold saw anything.
"Nothing," they both replied. Again, inwardly I rolled my eyes. Couldn't we as students come up with a better excuse then 'nothing'?
"PATAKI!" she screamed and I sat bolt upright in my chair. "No sleeping in my class!"
"Yes sir, sorry sir…" I mumbled, my eyes still half closed.
"WAKE UP!" she screamed.
"OKAY! I'M UP! SEE!!!" I said, leaning forward in my desk, forcing my eyelids apart with my fingers.
"Um, Helga, did you… hear anything?" Arnold asked, looking as if he were breaking out in a sweat
"Maybe…" I decided to toy with him. Bad idea.
"Did you or did you not?" Patty demanded, hovering over me. It was now my time to gulp. I looked at her and forced a smile.
"Why no, I didn't hear anything." I said in the sweetest voice I could muster. Her features softened and she smiled with me.
"Good." was all she said.
After school I met up with Phoebe and together we walked to the bus. She told me all about her plans with Gerald on Friday. Pfst, The Cheese Festival. Who created such a thing, anyway? A festival devoted to cheese, come on! I sighed. I also knew Arnold was taking HER to the damn thing too. HER, meaning Lila, cuz I can't stand to even say her name.
"Gerald and I are gonna go to a movie afterwards, too, do you want to join us?" Phoebe asked sweetly.
"Na, I'd be the third wheel, and I don't wanna intrude on your little date with tall hair boy," oops, I guess that name is harder shake than I thought.
"Come on, Helga, you won't intrude." she smiled. I shook my head.
"I'm sorry, Pheebs, I'm not up to it." I said as we reached the bus.
"Oh, that's ok, Helga." she replied, a little disappointed. "I never asked, but are you going to The Cheese Festival?" I gave her a 'you-really-think-I'd-go-to-that' look, then shook my head. "Oh, why not? It could be fun. You, me, and Gerald. We'd have a great time."
Was she feeling sorry for me? I don't like people pitying me. I sighed.
"Something wrong?" she questioned.
"It's about," I paused to look both ways, "Ice Cream. I don't get it. Why can't I just be nice to the poor… flavor? I'm always pickin' on… it, and yet…" I paused again, "I would love to just… throw myself into that big bowl of ice cream and pour syrup all over it and lick-"
"HELGA!" Phoebe squealed, blushing.
"What?" I asked. That ice cream metaphor just keeps sounding worse and worse… even the most innocent things sound completely dirty, I thought. I mean, what else can you do with ice cream that doesn't sound sexual in a sense?
"Well, I know… IT's going with Lila, I'm sorry." Phoebe said, looking down.
"I know," I sighed again, "I know…"
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I don't know about you, but I think that whole ice cream metaphor they used in the series was just a few words from sounding completely wrong, that's what I think, at least. Maybe I just have a dirty mind ;)
