Author: Connecticut Junkie
Title: El Kirko
Rating: PG
Summary: Kirk builds a machine that controls the weather- can the Gilmore Girls (with their trusty sidekicks, Luke and Jess) stop him in time? [VERY SILLY fic. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. More Fluff than a Fluffernutter.]
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and the people who do would definitely never do this to them.
A/N: A friend and I were discussing how GG fics tended to be very similar in 'plot.' But that's to be expected, since the show is about its characters. It's not like there would be an episode where Kirk builds a weather machine and the town has to stop him.
Well, since I'm a little stuck on my Substitute fic, and on the other one I'm writing, the damn Evil Monkey of Ridiculous Ideas came hopping onto my back again. So I thought…hmm, maybe some purely silly fluffy writing will unblock me for the other stuff. Hence, a Kirk-Controls-The-Weather-Fic. Enjoy.
P.S. It's in script form b/c I'm a slacker and it takes me less than an hour to write the whole thing. Sorry about the formatting. Word=EVIL.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW- DAY
Lorelai and Rory are heading for Luke's Diner. It's a beautiful day.
LORELAI
Ooh, did you hear that?
RORY
Was the wind whispering through the trees, 'Mary'?
LORELAI
No.
RORY
Did a bell ring, and now an angel has his wings?
LORELAI
Wrong again.
RORY
Then I give up.
LORELAI
It was the voice of Bono. Because…
She bursts into rock star mode.
It's a beautiful day!
RORY
You promised not to sing in public anymore.
LORELAI
But it really is a beautiful day! The sun is shining…
RORY
The sun always shines. Even when we can't see it.
LORELAI
(ignoring her)
The birds are singing…
They both cock their heads and listen. There's only quiet.
LORELAI
(disappointed)
Damn birds. Are a few little
chirps
too much to ask for?
They continue down the street, Lorelai taking in the wonder of the day
RORY
Are you two seconds away from spinning around
and proclaiming how alive the hills are with
the sound of music?
LORELAI
(like Rory's crazy)
No.
(beat)
Three seconds.
RORY
This does not bode well
LORELAI
Two.
RORY
Maybe I can convince people you've
just escaped from the looney bin and are following me around like a lost little puppy.
LORELAI
One.
RORY
Here it comes.
LORELAI
(as she spins)
The hills are alive with the sound of-
They reach the diner, Rory opens the door, Lorelai spins inside.
LORELAI
Coffee!
Lorelai's spin almost smacks her into LUKE, who is holding a coffee pot and giving Lorelai a look.
LUKE
Coffee generally isn't known for its sound
LORELAI
But Lorelai is known for going 'yum' when
drinking coffee. Or sometimes 'mmm'. Or, if
it's really good Luke-made coffee, 'oh yeah baby
yes you're so good oooh.'
Luke is turned on and wary at the same time.
LUKE
Okay, so maybe it does have a sound.
Lorelai and Rory sit at a table. Luke brings them coffee. Lorelai is still excited about the day, looking out the window.
LORELAI
When was the last time you saw the sky that blue, huh?
Huh? Never, that's when. And look at that beautiful,
fluffy white cloud. It's like some rich lady's Bichon Frese
got mutated by radioactive Alpo and grew to the size
of a high-rise building, then was kicked by a giant mutated
mailman into the sky, where we can now gaze upon his
big, white, fluffyness.
Luke looks at Lorelai, then Rory.
RORY
(shaking her head)
Don't even ask.
LUKE
The thought didn't even cross my mind.
CUT TO: Later, Lorelai and Rory happily munching away on burgers. A very loud clap of THUNDER startles them both.
LORELAI
Gah!
Lorelai drops her burger. Then looks down at the floor where the burger is.
LORELAI
Waah!
Rory also looks at the floor.
RORY
There was only two bites left. It's not a
big deal.
LORELAI
Says the girl who still has two bites left.
Then she
sees the view of the window, where RAIN is falling in a torrent.
LORELAI
The beautiful day went away.
RORY
And won't come out to play.
LORELAI
At least not today.
Luke wanders over with the coffee pot. Lorelai tries to take the whole thing from him, he nonchalantly keeps it away from her grasp.
LUKE
Who died?
LORELAI
Mr. Burger.
LUKE
The old guy who owned one of those damn
Unicorn stores?
He takes a step closer to the table, skids; he looks down and frowns.
LUKE
Guess not.
RORY
And
now it's raining, when just three minutes
ago
it was all sunshine and blue sky.
LORELAI
(grumpy)
It's not even raining men.
LUKE
Hallelujah.
INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE- DAY
Lorelai and Rory are lounging on the couch, watching T.V. We can't see what they're watching.
RORY
Here comes the best part.
LORELAI
(excited)
It validates watching the rest of the movie.
Both lean forward in their seats, eager expressions on their faces. We start to hear dialogue from the movie.
ANGLE TO: The back of Lorelai and Rory, so we can see the T.V. they are so intently watching and waiting for. On the T.V. Kevin Costner is climbing onto a horse.
LORELAI
He's the postman that has to ring
more than
twice because no one wants to answer
the door to him.
RORY
Shh. It's almost here.
On cue, the little girl in the movie starts singing the Star Spangled Banner.
LORELAI
I
think this is supposed to move me,
and
it does. To another country.
RORY
I think I've lost all respect for America.
LORELAI
And Kevin Costner.
RORY
You still had respect for him? Even after
Waterworld?
LORELAI
Damn
you! I had stricken the memory
of
that from my mind.
Rory has a retort, but a loud THUMP on the roof distracts her. They both look up at the roof.
LORELAI
Sweetie, why don't you go up there and tell
Santa he's five months early.
RORY
But what if he has presents?
LORELAI
Forget about telling him.
Another THUMP is heard. And another. A bunch of THUMPS are now heard. Then a loud CRACK against the window.
RORY
Santa seems aggressive this year.
They head over to the window and look outside. Large balls of HAIL are falling.
LORELAI
Ooh! Unprocessed snow-cones!
RORY
Truly a gift from nature.
They return to the couch.
LORELAI
Man,
the weather totally sucks this week. That freak
rainstorm,
and now this freak hail. Oh my god! What
if
this is all Kevin Costner's doing, and he's trying to
flood
the world so it will be all Waterworld-ian?
RORY
I don't think he's smart enough to control the weather.
INT. A DARK ROOM
A shadowy figure is hunched over a large machine apparatus, laughing maniacally.
MAN
I did it! I am so smart! Finally,
I can control
the weather!
The man laughs harder, so hard in fact, that he must sit in a chair, holding his stomach where it hurts from laughing so hard. His face is now visible by a convenient pool of light, and we see that he is none other than…
KIRK
Ow.
Kirk rubs his stomach.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE- DAY
The square is decorated for another festival. Lorelai and Rory are standing around, partaking of the festivities.
LORELAI
So, would this be your favorite town festival?
RORY
No.
LORELAI
This one is pretty lame.
The camera pans over to show a sign, reading STARS HOLLOW ANNUAL LEMONADE FAIR.
RORY
I don't have anything against lemons…
LORELAI
But…
RORY
But
having teams of children make lemonade, then
sell
it to raise money for their school is just so…
LORELAI
Lame?
RORY
I was going to say, 'sticky.'
ANGLE TO: A table full of children, using their dirty children hands to squeeze lemons and pour sugar, getting sugar everywhere.
LORELAI
I can't believe they expect us to buy it.
RORY
I can't believe they expect us to drink it.
LORELAI
(noticing something O.S.)
I can't believe Luke came.
LUKE (O.S.)
I thought I'd find you two here.
Luke joins them in watching the children make a big mess.
LORELAI
Brains and brawn; how do you fend off the ladies?
RORY
Maybe he emits an off-putting pheromone.
LORELAI
(leaning over to get a whiff of Luke)
Nope. Just burgers and coffee.
RORY
Careful, she might try to mate.
LUKE
Thanks for the warning.
CUT TO: TAYLOR banging his gavel on the podium by the gazebo.
LORELAI
Do
you think they make exploding prank gavels,
like
exploding prank golf balls?
ANGLE TO: TAYLOR, who is looking pleased as punch.
TAYLOR
Attention,
everyone. I am just as pleased
as punch to announce that the Second grade
has raised enough money to purchase
new recorders!
Taylor claps, the general audience follows suit.
ANGLE TO: Luke, Lorelai, and Rory, who are far less enthusiastic.
LUKE
Recorders? Those stupid tiny piano things that are
made
for tiny shrunken pianists and have
the
gross, plastic tube that does nothing
but
collect spit?
RORY
Yep.
LORELAI
(giggling)
"Tiny shrunken pianist."
JESS
(O.S.)
Who has a tiny shrunken penis?
JESS walks into the frame, and gives Luke a sad look.
JESS
Boy, am I glad that doesn't run in the family.
LORELAI
PIANIST. The guy who plays the piano.
LUKE
If you're here, then who's watching the diner?
JESS
(shrugs)
God. I hear he watches over everything. Very nosy.
LUKE
I never should have left you alone.
Luke turns to go.
JESS
(sighing)
Caesar's
shift started. The precious
diner
is fine.
LUKE
You could still stick around to help him out.
JESS
(looking at Rory)
I like lemonade.
Lorelai frowns.
Any further fun is interrupted by the falling of
white stuff from the sky.
LUKE
What the hell?
Luke brushes SNOWFLAKES from his shoulder.
JESS
I take it that's not the Head and Shoulders side.
RORY
This is weird.
LORELAI
This is X-Files weird.
Both Lorelai and Rory look at Luke, then exchange glances.
LORELAI and RORY
It's so Outer Limits-y.
LUKE
How long have you two been waiting to say that?
RORY
Feels like years.
ANGLE TO: A long
shot, showing Rory, Jess, Luke, and Lorelai standing among
equally confused Stars Hollow
residents. The SNOW is falling even heavier.
ANGLE TO: TAYLOR, banging his gavel on the podium.
TAYLOR
What is going on? It doesn't snow in September!
(eyes narrowing)
YOU!
Taylor points his gavel. The camera pans to where it's pointing.
JESS
(shouting across the square)
What? You think I control the weather now?
* * *
Yes, I am fully aware this would never ever ever happen on the show. G
