Author: Connecticut Junkie

Title: El Kirko

Rating: PG

Summary: Kirk builds a machine that controls the weather- can the Gilmore Girls (with their trusty sidekicks, Luke and Jess) stop him in time? [VERY SILLY fic. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. More Fluff than a Fluffernutter.]

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and the people who do would definitely never do this to them.

A/N: A friend and I were discussing how GG fics tended to be very similar in 'plot.' But that's to be expected, since the show is about its characters. It's not like there would be an episode where Kirk builds a weather machine and the town has to stop him.

Well, since I'm a little stuck on my Substitute fic, and on the other one I'm writing, the damn Evil Monkey of Ridiculous Ideas came hopping onto my back again. So I thought…hmm, maybe some purely silly fluffy writing will unblock me for the other stuff. Hence, a Kirk-Controls-The-Weather-Fic. Enjoy.

P.S. It's in script form b/c I'm a slacker and it takes me less than an hour to write the whole thing. Sorry about the formatting. Word=EVIL.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW- DAY

            Lorelai and Rory are heading for Luke's Diner. It's a beautiful day.

LORELAI

Ooh, did you hear that?

RORY

Was the wind whispering through the trees, 'Mary'?

LORELAI

                                                                            No.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            Did a bell ring, and now an angel has his wings?

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                   Wrong again.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            Then I give up.

LORELAI

It was the voice of Bono. Because…

She bursts into rock star mode.

 It's a beautiful day!

RORY

You promised not to sing in public anymore.

LORELAI

But it really is a beautiful day! The sun is shining…

RORY

The sun always shines. Even when we can't see it.

LORELAI

(ignoring her)

The birds are singing…

They both cock their heads and listen. There's only quiet.

LORELAI

(disappointed)

Damn birds. Are a few little chirps
too much to ask for?

They continue down the street, Lorelai taking in the wonder of the day

RORY

Are you two seconds away from spinning around

and proclaiming how alive the hills are with

the sound of music?

LORELAI

(like Rory's crazy)

No.

(beat)

Three seconds.

RORY

This does not bode well

LORELAI

Two.

RORY

Maybe I can convince people you've

just escaped from the looney bin and are following me around like a lost little puppy.

LORELAI

One.

RORY

Here it comes.

LORELAI

(as she spins)

The hills are alive with the sound of-

            They reach the diner, Rory opens the door, Lorelai spins inside.

                         LORELAI

Coffee!

Lorelai's spin almost smacks her into LUKE, who is holding a coffee pot and giving Lorelai a look.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            Coffee generally isn't known for its sound

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            But Lorelai is known for going 'yum' when

                                                            drinking coffee. Or sometimes 'mmm'. Or, if

                                                            it's really good Luke-made coffee, 'oh yeah baby

                                                            yes you're so good oooh.'

            Luke is turned on and wary at the same time.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            Okay, so maybe it does have a sound.

Lorelai and Rory sit at a table. Luke brings them coffee. Lorelai is still excited about the day, looking out the window.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            When was the last time you saw the sky that blue, huh?

                                                            Huh? Never, that's when. And look at that beautiful,

                                                            fluffy white cloud. It's like some rich lady's Bichon Frese

                                                            got mutated by radioactive Alpo and grew to the size

                                                            of a high-rise building, then was kicked by a giant mutated

                                                            mailman into the sky, where we can now gaze upon his

                                                            big, white, fluffyness.

            Luke looks at Lorelai, then Rory.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            (shaking her head)

                                                            Don't even ask.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            The thought didn't even cross my mind.

CUT TO: Later, Lorelai and Rory happily munching away on burgers. A very loud clap of THUNDER startles them both.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        Gah!

            Lorelai drops her burger. Then looks down at the floor where the burger is.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        Waah!

            Rory also looks at the floor.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            There was only two bites left. It's not a

                                                                        big deal.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            Says the girl who still has two bites left.

            Then she sees the view of the window, where RAIN is falling in a torrent.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            The beautiful day went away.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            And won't come out to play.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            At least not today.

Luke wanders over with the coffee pot. Lorelai tries to take the whole thing from him, he nonchalantly keeps it away from her grasp.

                                                            LUKE

                                                Who died?

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Mr. Burger.

                                                            LUKE

                                                The old guy who owned one of those damn

                                                Unicorn stores?

He takes a step closer to the table, skids; he looks down and frowns.

                                                            LUKE

                                                Guess not.

                                                            RORY

                                                And now it's raining, when just three minutes
                                                ago it was all sunshine and blue sky.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        (grumpy)

                                                            It's not even raining men.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                                        Hallelujah.

INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE- DAY

Lorelai and Rory are lounging on the couch, watching T.V. We can't see what they're watching.

                                                            RORY

                                                Here comes the best part.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                                        (excited)

                                                            It validates watching the rest of the movie.

Both lean forward in their seats, eager expressions on their faces. We start to hear dialogue from the movie.

ANGLE TO: The back of Lorelai and Rory, so we can see the T.V. they are so intently watching and waiting for. On the T.V. Kevin Costner is climbing onto a horse.

                                                            LORELAI

He's the postman that has to ring more than
twice because no one wants to answer
the door to him.

            RORY

Shh. It's almost here.

            On cue, the little girl in the movie starts singing the Star Spangled Banner.

                                                                        LORELAI
                                                            I think this is supposed to move me,
                                                            and it does. To another country.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            I think I've lost all respect for America.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            And Kevin Costner.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            You still had respect for him? Even after

                                                            Waterworld?

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            Damn you! I had stricken the memory
                                                            of that from my mind.

Rory has a retort, but a loud THUMP on the roof distracts her. They both look up at the roof.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Sweetie, why don't you go up there and tell

                                                Santa he's five months early.

                                                            RORY

                                                But what if he has presents?

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Forget about telling him.

Another THUMP is heard. And another. A bunch of THUMPS are now heard. Then a loud CRACK against the window.

                                                            RORY

                                                Santa seems aggressive this year.

They head over to the window and look outside. Large balls of HAIL are falling.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Ooh! Unprocessed snow-cones!

                                                            RORY

                                                Truly a gift from nature.

They return to the couch.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Man, the weather totally sucks this week. That freak
                                                rainstorm, and now this freak hail. Oh my god! What
                                                if this is all Kevin Costner's doing, and he's trying to
                                                flood the world so it will be all Waterworld-ian?

                                                            RORY

                                                I don't think he's smart enough to control the weather.

INT. A DARK ROOM

A shadowy figure is hunched over a large machine apparatus, laughing maniacally.

                                                            MAN

I did it! I am so smart! Finally, I can control
the weather!

The man laughs harder, so hard in fact, that he must sit in a chair, holding his stomach where it hurts from laughing so hard. His face is now visible by a convenient pool of light, and we see that he is none other than…

                                                                        KIRK

                                                                        Ow.

Kirk rubs his stomach.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE- DAY    

The square is decorated for another festival. Lorelai and Rory are standing around, partaking of the festivities.                                                                                                                                 

                                                LORELAI

                                    So, would this be your favorite town festival?

                                                RORY

                                                  No.

                                                LORELAI

                                    This one is pretty lame.

The camera pans over to show a sign, reading STARS HOLLOW ANNUAL LEMONADE FAIR.

                                                RORY

                                    I don't have anything against lemons…

                                                LORELAI

                                    But…

                                                RORY

                                    But having teams of children make lemonade, then
                                    sell it to raise money for their school is just so…

                                                LORELAI

                                                Lame?

                                                RORY

                                    I was going to say, 'sticky.'

ANGLE TO: A table full of children, using their dirty children hands to squeeze lemons and pour sugar, getting sugar everywhere.

                                                LORELAI

                                    I can't believe they expect us to buy it.

                                                RORY

                                    I can't believe they expect us to drink it.

                                                LORELAI

                                                (noticing something O.S.)

                                    I can't believe Luke came.

                                                LUKE (O.S.)

                                    I thought I'd find you two here.

Luke joins them in watching the children make a big mess.

                                                LORELAI

                                    Brains and brawn; how do you fend off the ladies?

                                                RORY

                                    Maybe he emits an off-putting pheromone.

                                                LORELAI

                                    (leaning over to get a whiff of Luke)

                                    Nope. Just burgers and coffee.

                                                RORY

                                    Careful, she might try to mate.

                                                LUKE

                                    Thanks for the warning.

CUT TO: TAYLOR banging his gavel on the podium by the gazebo.

                                                LORELAI

                                    Do you think they make exploding prank gavels,
                                    like exploding prank golf balls?

ANGLE TO: TAYLOR, who is looking pleased as punch.

TAYLOR

Attention, everyone. I am just as pleased
               as punch to announce that the Second grade
                has raised enough money to purchase
             new recorders!

                        Taylor claps, the general audience follows suit.

                        ANGLE TO: Luke, Lorelai, and Rory, who are far less enthusiastic.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            Recorders? Those stupid tiny piano things that are
                                                            made for tiny shrunken pianists and have
                                                            the gross, plastic tube that does nothing
                                                            but collect spit?

                                                                        RORY

                                                                        Yep.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        (giggling)

                                                              "Tiny shrunken pianist."

            JESS

            (O.S.)

Who has a tiny shrunken penis?

                        JESS walks into the frame, and gives Luke a sad look.

                                                                        JESS

                                                            Boy, am I glad that doesn't run in the family.

            LORELAI

PIANIST. The guy who plays the piano.

            LUKE

If you're here, then who's watching the diner?

            JESS

         (shrugs)

God. I hear he watches over everything. Very nosy.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            I never should have left you alone.

Luke turns to go.

                                                JESS

                                                (sighing)

                                    Caesar's shift started. The precious
                                                diner is fine.

                                                LUKE

                                    You could still stick around to help him out.

                                                JESS

                                        (looking at Rory)

                                    I like lemonade.

Lorelai frowns. Any further fun is interrupted by the falling of
            white stuff from the sky.

                                                LUKE

                                    What the hell?

Luke brushes SNOWFLAKES from his shoulder.

                                                JESS

                                    I take it that's not the Head and Shoulders side.

                                                RORY

                                    This is weird.

                                                LORELAI

                                    This is X-Files weird.

Both Lorelai and Rory look at Luke, then exchange glances.

                                                LORELAI and RORY

                                    It's so Outer Limits-y.

                                                LUKE

                                    How long have you two been waiting to say that?

                                                RORY

                                    Feels like years.

ANGLE TO: A long shot, showing Rory, Jess, Luke, and Lorelai standing among         
            equally confused Stars Hollow residents. The SNOW is falling even heavier.

                        ANGLE TO: TAYLOR, banging his gavel on the podium.

                                                                        TAYLOR

                                                            What is going on? It doesn't snow in September!

                                                                  (eyes narrowing)

                                                                        YOU!

                        Taylor points his gavel. The camera pans to where it's pointing.

                                                                        JESS

                                                               (shouting across the square)

                                                            What? You think I control the weather now?

*                      *                      *

Yes, I am fully aware this would never ever ever happen on the show. G