A/N: Thanks to all of you guys who reviewed. I expected maybe
three reviews total, all of which went: 'Wow, you are a
ridiculous
freak. Go to hell and stop writing this crap!' So thanks for not
meeting my expectations G
And no one could be more excited by the vast amounts of Kirky-ness in the past two episodes this season than me. I shrieked like a fifteen-year old girl outside TRL when I saw him in the opening credits. Hey, if I couldn't get Luke, I'd go to dinner with Kirk. Lorelai doesn't know what she's missing.
EXT. OUTSIDE KIRK'S PLACE- NIGHT
JESS
Twenty seven and he lives with his parents.
I'd bet all the toys in Santa's sack there's a full set of Star
Trek
action figures in the basement.
LUKE
(defensive)
Star Trek's not just for geeks and weirdos.
LORELAI
Looks like Jess is poking a sore spot.
RORY
(to Jess)
A little birdie told us Luke was a trekkie.
LUKE
That was a long time ago!
JESS
Why am I not surprised.
SOOKIE
Can we please focus?
LORELAI
Oh, right. Kirk, weather, machine, gotcha. And
now, we'll get him.
RORY
Someone should hum the theme music.
LUKE
We need a plan.
LORELAI
Too bad that Marshall guy isn't here.
LUKE
We can't just barge in there and demand
he stop using his weather machine.
LORELAI
Sure we can.
JESS
How bout you guys barge in there,
and I'll head over to the liquor store.
MISS PATTY
I like his plan.
LUKE
Buying or robbing?
JESS
Whatever I feel like in the moment.
LORELAI
Hey, boys against girls!
LUKE
You will be explaining that, right?
LORELAI
All us girls will go the direct
way, and distract Kirk, while
the boys- that would be you and Jess-
sneak in and dismantle the machine.
RORY
Assuming that Kirk is the one behind this.
LUKE
Jess, you up to sneaking?
JESS
Whatever.
LUKE
That's teenage for 'yes.' So how are you going to
distract him?
MISS PATTY
We women have our ways.
RORY
Oh, ew. This is Kirk.
LORELAI
Why couldn't Gabriel Byrne
build a weather machine?
JESS
Gabriel Byrne?
SOOKIE
She has a thing for him in that 'Stigmata' movie.
RORY
It's the priest outfit, I suspect.
LORELAI
Hey, if he were the priest, I'd
go to church.
MISS PATTY
I'd like to take of his flesh.
LUKE
(impatient)
Are we doing this or not?
LORELAI
Fine. Let's go, ladies.
LUKE
Be careful.
LORELAI
Whatever.
Lorelai, Sookie, Patty, and Rory head for the door. Jess and Luke sneak off around the back of the house.
Lorelai rings the bell.
LORELAI
That little rat better be here.
The door opens, KIRK'S MOM is standing there. She is in her late sixties, and looks like she's popped out 12 kids. (In other words, she's PLUMP).
LORELAI
(bubbly)
Hi! We're here to see Kirk!
RORY
(bubbly)
We're his friends.
KIRK'S MOM
Oh, it's such a relief to see
that he's made friends! And pretty
female ones at that. Maybe he'll
be moving out of the basement soon.
SOOKIE
Can we come in and um, visit?
KIRK'S MOM
Of course! Would you like some
cookies?
LORELAI
Yes!
RORY
No thank you.
Rory nudges Lorelai, to remind her that they have a job to do.
LORELAI
(grumbling)
No thanks.
INT. KIRK'S HOUSE- NIGHT
KIRK'S MOM leads them down the hallway to a door.
KIRK'S MOM
Just go down the stairs, but be
careful, sometimes they're slippery.
LORELAI
(sotto voce to Rory)
I don't want to know why.
SOOKIE, LORELAI, RORY, and MISS PATTY start down the stairs.
MISS PATTY
(loudly)
Yoo hoo, Kirk?
SOOKIE
Shouldn't we be more stealthy?
LORELAI
Let's do the Mission: Impossible
thing.
RORY
You mean where I rip my
face off to reveal I'm really
Tom Cruise?
MISS PATTY
Now that would just be delicious.
INT. KIRK'S BASEMENT
They reach the bottom of the stairs and look around the dark basement. There is a large, dark curtain at one end.
SOOKIE
So, anyone see Kirk?
LORELAI
Let's see what's lurking behind
that curtain!
LORELAI
(as she grasps the curtain)
The villains always hide behind curtains.
LORELAI pulls the curtain aside to reveal KIRK, hunched over a large machine, blinking with multi-colored lights.
RORY
I didn't know the original Star Trek
sets were still around.
KIRK
How did you find me!
SOOKIE
You live here.
KIRK
Oh. Yeah.
(scratches his head)
Well then, how did you know
it was me?
LORELAI
Oh, no. We're not falling for that.
MISS PATTY
Falling for what, honey?
LORELAI
The old, "how did you know it
was me?" Because the villain
always says that, and then when
the heroes-
RORY
We're heroes?
LORELAI
Yes, we can be heroes. But just
for one day. Anyhow, while the heroes
explain, the villain takes that time to
attack them, or run away.
SOOKIE
Uh, Lorelai?
LORELAI
What?
SOOKIE
Kirk ran away.
KIRK is racing up the stairs.
LORELAI
Get him!
KIRK
(over his shoulder)
You can't catch- aah!
KIRK trips, stumbles, and falls down the stairs, landing at their feet.
RORY
I did that with my mind.
SOOKIE
(excited)
Really?
RORY
No.
Suddenly, there is a CRASH and the sound of BREAKING GLASS. The group turn to look at one of the small basement windows. JESS, who is still shirtless, slides in through it.
JESS
I see you caught him.
LORELAI
Were's Luke?
JESS
His tubby self couldn't fit through the window.
The basement door opens, LUKE walks in.
LUKE
Everyone okay?
A chorus of 'we're fine' rises from the women. A maniacal giggle interrupts them. KIRK has run back to his machine.
KIRK
You can't stop me now! I built
this machine, I made it snow in September,
and now Mrs. Kim will let me date Lane!
LUKE advances toward KIRK.
LUKE
Kirk, quit it. This is the stupidest
thing you've ever done. And trust me,
you've done some stupid things.
KIRK
It's not stupid, it's brilliant! I
can control the weather! And right
now, I can strike you down with
a bolt of lightning!
KIRK pushes a button on the machine. Nothing happens. He pushes it again. Again, nothing.
KIRK
(Dejected)
Damn. I forgot that I hadn't
figured out the lightning bolt
thing.
LUKE
Either you give up now, or
you're gonna get it.
LORELAI
(to the girls)
Ooh, tough guy Luke. I like it.
MISS PATTY
I'm with you on that.
SOOKIE
Even I find myself attracted to him.
JESS
(sarcastically)
Me too.
LUKE grabs KIRK by the collar of his shirt. KIRK tries to fight back, his hand tangling in LUKE'S SHIRT, which RIPS and falls off.
MISS PATTY
Now this I like.
SOOKIE
I don't know. It just seems so...
RORY
Gratuitous?
SOOKIE
Yeah.
LORELAI
I'm not complaining.
LUKE is still half-heartedly fending off KIRK's attacks. Finally, KIRK begins to tire out.
LUKE
Don't make me hurt you.
KIRK faints. JESS grabs a nearby baseball bat and bashes the machine.
JESS
Man, I like fighting crime.
The group takes in the scene; unconscious Kirk, destroyed weather machine, shirtless men.
LORELAI
I pose a collective, "Now What?"
SOOKIE
We can't give Kirk to the police.
LUKE
Why not?
SOOKIE
Well, just look at him. He's so
fragile; and he only did it so
he could go on a date.
RORY
But he should still be punished
somehow.
LORELAI
Yeah, we need the moral ending.
There's a noise at the top of the stairs. KIRK'S MOM is coming down them.
KIRK'S MOM
What's all the ruckus?
JESS
Wow, haven't heard that word in a while.
KIRK is groaning, regaining consciousness. The gang all think of a reply.
MISS PATTY
(shrugs her shoulders)
We were rehearsing a play?
KIRK'S MOM doesn't buy it, and sees the destroyed machine.
KIRK'S MOM
Kirk Alison McClane, how dare you build
another one of your contraptions!
I've told you a thousand times
that I don't want you tinkering around
in my basement!
LORELAI
(giggles)
Alison.
KIRK
(groggy)
But it was for a girlfriend.
KIRK'S MOM
You find yourself a girl the normal
way, you hear me? None of this
machine nonsense. Honestly, I
don't know what you're thinking sometimes!
Young man, you are grounded. For an entire
month!
LUKE
Looks like he got punished after all.
LORELAI
Everything wraps up nicely, doesn't it?
RORY
Just like in Scooby Doo.
JESS
Please don't call me Shaggy.
SOOKIE
Ooh, I get to be Velma!
KIRK'S MOM
(sweetly)
I'm sorry, but Kirk can't
have friends over. He's grounded.
LORELAI
We understand.
The group exit, KIRK'S MOM now muttering to Kirk about knowing better.
EXT. STREET- NIGHT
LORELAI
Again, I'm asking "Now what?"
MISS PATTY
I'm going straight for my
telephone.
MISS PATTY walks away.
SOOKIE
Yeah, I need to tell Jackson
all about this! He's going to flip out.
SOOKIE also heads home.
LORELAI
We should celebrate.
LUKE
No.
LORELAI
Yes.
RORY
I agree.
LUKE
You just want coffee.
JESS
Not another coffee banter.
It's old. Find a new routine.
LUKE heads down the street to the diner, LORELAI following right behind him. JESS and RORY follow too, but farther behind.
LORELAI
Come on Luke, we defeated
an evil villain. We so deserve coffee!
RORY
(calling out)
And donuts!
LORELAI
Yeah, and donuts! We did
police-like activities, so we
deserve police-like food.
LUKE
I did all the work. And I've got two
ruined shirts to prove it.
LORELAI runs her hands over LUKE's bare arm.
LORELAI
Ooh, nice. You know what's really sexy?
Pouring coffee without a shirt on. Mmm, yeah.
Give Momma a taste.
LUKE
You disturb me on so many levels.
They reach the DINER. LUKE starts a pot of COFFEE.
LORELAI
Yay! You are the best
and I love you!
LUKE blushes and looks away.
LORELAI
Shall we sing coffee songs to pass the time?
RORY
I don't sing in public.
LUKE
Smart kid.
LORELAI
Fine, I'll do it myself.
(sings)
Chock full o' Nuts is that heavenly coffee,
better coffee a millionaire's money can't buy!
RORY claps. LUKE rolls his eyes and gives LORELAI a donut.
LUKE
Stuff your mouth with this.
LORELAI
(eating donut)
Mmm. Donut.
(sings with mouth full)
The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.
RORY
I dare you to do the entire
Folgers song.
LORELAI
Which one?
RORY
Hmm..the Rockapella one
LORELAI
Easy.
JESS
(sarcastic)
Yeah, do it Rockapella.
LUKE
I will give you anything if you just STOP SINGING.
LORELAI
(swallows donut)
Sorry.
(sings)
Every day I wake up , pour myself a cup
Of that rich Folgers aroma
The best part of waking up. It's the doo-wop doo-wop in all I do
The mountain grown aroma always comin' through.
Oh the best part of wakin' up is Folgers in your cup.
LUKE
Here's another donut. Now will you shut up?
LORELAI
No guarantees.
RORY
Actually, Mom, Rockapella did two Folgers songs.
LORELAI
(Drops donut)
You're right! How did that other one go...something
about a Christmas tree...
JESS
Luke, if you don't stop her, I will.
LORELAI
(oblivious to the threats)
Oh, I remember it now.
(Sings)
When the world's all cloaked in white
Wakin' up to see the perfect sight
Folgers warmin' each heart
Mountain grown aroma-
LUKE
You leave me no choice.
LUKE kisses her. LORELAI is surprised, but kisses him back.
LORELAI
I think I like this crime-fighting thing.
THE END
I think I lost some brain cells near the end. I actually had to GO to Rockapella's website to find those lyrics- the only Folgers ones I could remember from heart was the Irish dancer commercial. Unfortunately, I now have the Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego song in my head.
