Title: Denial-Land is a Nice Place to be

Author: Goddess Arundhathi goddess_Arundhathi@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: R (for slashy thoughts)

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Feedback: Yes please.

Archive: If you want, but please let me know.

Disclaimer: None of them are mine. If they were, things wouldn't be this way. Joss, UPN etc. etc. own them all, and they need to start looking after them properly

Spoilers: Some Season 5, up to Intervention.

Summary: During Intervention: The Buffy-bot causes Xander to think differently about Spike.

Denial-Land is a Nice Place to be

Chapter One

"I'm not having sex with Spike. But I'm starting to think you might be."

Eeew. How gross is that. Or maybe not so gross. He is pretty hot. Oh God, no. Don't think that. Gee, thanks Buffy. Give me icky sex thoughts about the evil undead, why don't ya. Okay. I guess it's not really Buffy's fault. I was the one that said he was, what was it? Strong and mysterious and compact but well-muscled. Whoa, down boy. We're in public.

I have to get a grip. Seriously. This is ridiculous. I can't possibly be having lusty bad thoughts about the undead English patient. He's evil. And male. And…oh. Everyone's waiting for me to speak. Let's leave these thoughts until later. In bed. No. No Spike related bed thoughts. That's just wrong. But tempting. Oh God, stop it. Open mouth. Make noise. Speech. Speech that doesn't sound like I want to get intimate with the bleached one.

"Buffy, I saw you. Anya too" Anya nods in support of my statements "We saw you and Spike……with the straddling" And boy was it…interesting.

Someone else enters the room. Someone who looks a whole lot like Buffy. Wow. Two Buffies. Hey, two Spikes would be fun. Please brain, switch off now. I'm clearly delirious. Oh maybe not. Buffy sees two Buffies too. Well I suppose she only sees one, 'cos no mirrors about, but when you *are* Buffy, seeing even one must be pretty strange. Okay brain, focus on room. Buffy (one of them) is speaking.

"Spike's mine. Who's straddling Spike?" Me. Please God, let me. Oh boy. This is getting stupid. I have to stop lusting after Spike.

"Oh my God" When Buffy (number one) speaks, for a moment, I think I said all that out loud, but then I realise she is looking at Buffy. Other Buffy. Okay. That sounded weird even to me. She's staring at Buffy Two like she's some sort of freaky thing. Which, this being Sunnydale….

I should probably be all jokey Xander right about now, or everyone will get suspicious. I've been pretty non-quippy about the whole 'Spike doing Buffy' thing.


"And so say all of us" Okay, so that was lame, even by my standards. I should just shut up. Less chance of people staring at me like I'm the sort of freak that wants to have sex with vampires. On that subject, the Spike-loving Buffy is speaking

"Say, look at you. You look just like me! We're very pretty." Can't argue with that. More Buffy equals more pretty. Even if she is a freaky Hellmouth spawned thing. Or maybe it's Buffy One that's a freak. Or...Oh…thought coming. I remember when there were two of me.

"Two of them!" That's my Willow, making sure we're all on the same page. Even if only she understands it. But this time maybe I'm the one that gets it. Time to butt in.


"Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy!" Oops. Guess Buffy didn't like that idea. She's glaring. And speaking.

"No, *she*'s a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?"


"Oh, I don't think I'm a robot" Buffy Two is very…well, Buffy-like. But in a boinking Spike sort of way. Lucky thing. Wish I had my very own Spike to…Oh my God. Of course. That's it. Spike is the big bad behind all this. I should enlighten the group. Wait. Let Anya speak first.


"She's very well done." Okay so, not remotely the point here honey, and not really worth waiting for. Now to show my insight and understanding and all that (but not mention how I came upon it. Naked Spike thoughts not winning many points with the Scoobies (except maybe Buffy Two))

"Spike must have had her built so he could program her t-"

Buffy gets it straight away, and doesn't want me to complete that thought. "Oh god."


Willow looks just as repulsed " Yikes. Imagine the things-"


"No! No, no imagining. Any of you." Guess Buffy doesn't want to share naked Spike images. Big selfish slayer that she is. Oh well. It's too late anyway.

"Already got the visual." And I'm loving it. Shut up brain. That is it. No more thinking. Ever. Suddenly, thoughts of Spike change track slightly. I'm sure we were doing something blond vampire connected before the whole two Buffy fiasco got started.

Strangely enough, it's Buffy Two (robot Buffy) that gets us back on track. "People. Friends of mine. You're forgetting the most important thing. Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him."

"Glory has Spike?" Oh yeah. Buffy - Real Buffy - wasn't around for that bit. Oh dear.


"We were gonna bring that up." As soon as we figured out a way to tell you without Dawn related freakage.


"We were getting weapons." Anya has her helpful face on. Always a sign that she's lost her ability to understand the whole human thing. Although she seems less freaked about the robot thing than the rest of us. Why don't I have a normal girlfriend. My love life is seriously messed up. And the naughty Spike images in my head at the moment don't seem likely to make it any less so.


"Grab 'em. We're going now. I have to kill him." Buffy is back on top, talking about weapons. Hey. She can't kill Spike. He's mine. Shut op brain. I said no more thinking. Great. Now I'm having arguments with my own icky subconscious. Focus. Glory has Spike.

"We don't even know where to look." Willow looks worried. I don't know why. Buffy has that look that means she knows exactly what to do. Or she's gonna pretend she does.


"I know where to start." And she's off.

~Later that day~

Well that was fun. In a painful, getting beaten up by ugly hobbit like demons and hell gods kind of way. We left Spike back at his crypt. He looked really bad. Maybe I should head back and see if he's okay.

Alright. That's it. Lusting after evil guys is one thing. I'm a highly sexed young man. Worrying about their well-being is another thing completely. That would mean I cared. It's bad enough that Buffy nearly realised I was serious when I said I felt bad about taking the Buffy-bot away from him. It's just, he was so thrashed. I've never seen him look that rough before.

Oh no. I care. About an evil vampire who probably just sold us out to Glory the Hell god to save his own ass. The Hellmouth has finally got me.

What am I talking about. I don't care. It's Spike. He's male. I'm just gonna go home, to Anya, and have nice heterosexual sex. With my GIRLfriend.

Hey. Would you look at that. I'm in a cemetery. Spike's cemetery. Where we left him at death's door three hours ago. Since I'm here, I should probably check he's okay.

Oh. It's the Buffy-bot. Maybe I won't bother. They're probably gonna get all groiny in there. Wouldn't wanna see that. Who am I kidding. I'd love to see that. Just one little peek. Wonder how she managed to escape from the Magic box anyway.

Oh. They're not getting up close anyway. Just talking. Suppose Spike is a bit beaten up for any energetic sex games. Wait a minute. I want to listen. Great. Talking to my own mind again. What did Spike just say.

Wow. My world is all cockeyed. Spike didn't tell Glory anything. *Spike* just totally came through for Dawn. He let Glory beat him all up. Normally Bleach Boy would sell us out in a minute. Guess he really does care about Buffy. Lucky her. Oh my God. That's non robotic, real Buffy. Our Buffy. Kissing Spike. My Spike and she's got her lips all over him.

No. Not my Spike. I don't even want a Spike. He's all evil and male. Hello. Totally not gay. Honestly. Aargh. Going home now. To Anya.