Title: Denial-Land is a nice place to be (2/?)

Author: Goddess Arundhathi goddess_Arundhathi@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: R (for slashy thoughts)

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Feedback: Yes please.

Archive: If you want, but please let me know.

Disclaimer: None of them are mine. If they were, things wouldn't be this way. Joss, UPN etc. etc. own them all, and they need to start looking after them properly

Spoilers: Up to Season 5, Spiral.

Summary: The Buffy-bot causes Xander to think differently about Spike, and he can't seem to stop. No matter what he tells himself.

Denial Land is a Nice Place to be

Chapter Two

Okay, so we're running away from the Hell God. That's wise. But probably quite difficult. "What about wheels? I don't think everybody's gonna fit in the Xandermobile?"

And of course, if we've got a tatty old Winnebago, they won't have to. I thought my brain had hit bottom last week when I was thinking X-rated thoughts about Spike, but now Buffy wants to run away, and that's new. And scary. Buffy's wigging. Totally. Not sure how to handle that one. Not really sure I want to try. Usually I want to run away, and she wants to fight. That's things as normal. Now, Buffy's freaked, Tara's brain has been mushed by a hell beast and we're going on a road trip in something that looks like a rusty tin can. Things can't get any worse. Right?

Hey, hang on. Tin can is one thing, but why all the tin *foil*? What's that for? Ok, we're getting on the bus now. Oh good, it's Spike. Yummy Spike. No. Bad. Evil Spike. Not one of our friends, which begs the question…

"What's he doing here" Hey. I was gonna say that. Now I don't get to be rude and everyone's gonna know I'm lusting. Not lusting. I thought we dealt with that already. Spike is male and evil. I am male, straight and sane (except for the whole talking to my own brain thing) I can not possibly have kinky sex thoughts about Spike. He needs to leave. Now.

"He's here because we need him." Yeah sure, Buffy. You need to kiss him again. I saw you, when I was spying on him in his crypt. No Xander. Don't say that. They're gonna know. Not that there is anything to know.

"Like hell we do." Ok that was good. Sounded genuine. Spike is bad. We don't need Spike. What can he do that we can't, apart from embarrass me by looking so hot that I wanna push him down on that table and….No. And nothing. He's useless. Really.

"If Glory finds us, he's the only one besides me that has any chance of protecting Dawn." Oh right. He's not just gorgeous. He has the whole supernatural strength thing too. Sexy. Not sexy. He has that cos he's a bloodsucking fiend. Even more evil than Angel, and I hated him too. Although thinking about it, he was quite buff and….oh that is it. Lusty Spike thoughts are one thing, but Deadboy? Please! This has to stop. Spike has to go. I'll tell Buffy.

"Buffy, come on.."

"Look this isn't a discussion. He stays. Get over it." I'd rather get over him. Right now. Okay, that is it. No more thinking. I'll just sit here and…

Or I could just fall over like a big fool. He may be hot, but he's a terrible driver. Switching off now. No more thinking about Spike and his gorgeous abs, pouty lips and tight trousers. Mmm, nice.

Bleurgh. Not so nice. Oh God, my stomach. Clearly terrible is not a strong enough word to describe Spike's driving. At least I've stopped fantasising about the bleached freak now. I think I'm gonna hurl instead.

Guess it wasn't Spike after all. Even with Giles driving, this is not the most fun I've ever had. Oh no. Anya, please don't talk about shrimp. My stomach can't take this. I wish they'd all shut up. Goddamn that sexy vampire. He's loving this. Seeing me suffer, and look like an idiot who gets car sick. Oh, he's looking at me. Scowl, Xander You hate him, remember.

"What?" Like he doesn't know what's upset me. What should I say. Well, Spike, I was just wondering, will you have mad monkey sex with me. No. That's not a good comeback

"Would you give it a rest or…" Or what, what can I threaten him with. If he doesn't shut up, I'll go over there and jump his bones? No. Oh, he's gonna speak again. I love that accent.

"Or what, you're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?" Okay, so now it's not quite so sexy. With the mentioning of sick and all.

"Or you can be undead man walking. See how fast you can hitch a ride with a flaming…" I really am gonna hurl now "…thumb" But hey, I finished a sentence. Yay me.

"Shrimp" Oh god. Shut up Spike. If I kissed him, he might be quiet. But then everyone else would start talking, or possibly trying to kill me, if they're Buffy. And also I might throw up in his mouth. Not exactly leading to romance. Not that I want anything Spike related to lead to romance.

Leave. Now. Get away from the vampire. Oh, seat. I'll sit here. Giles won't talk about shrimp. I hope. Maybe he can get rid of Spike without me having to totally embarrass myself by saying something about how sexy he is. Which would probably be closely followed by getting killed by Buffy or something. She'd think I was a vampire. Or possessed. Again.

"That guy is bloodsuckin' the last nerve right outta me" Mmm, sucking. Spike sucking. Eeww. I did not just think that. Alright, I thought it, but I'm under a lot of stress here. New and interesting experiences and thoughts arriving. Okay, okay, not that new. Ever since the whole Buffy-bot thing, sex with Anya hasn't been quite the same. And I'm not sure she believed me when I said I'd yelled out 'It's you I like' when I came. I know that's pretty lame, but I panicked. She used to be a vengeance demon. I don't want her knowing I'm fantasising about other people, okay, vampires, (well 'vampire' singular) when we're together.

Oops, Giles is talking. Brain, please stop thinking about Spike in front of people.

"…..Spike may prove useful." Oh, yeah. I could use him. I could use him for all sorts of fun games. Oh, right, Giles means in a fighty sort of way. To help Buffy.

"I don't know if Buffy's thinkin' too clear on that one, or anything else right now." I still feel really sick. Thinking about Spike doesn't help either, 'cos of the combined lust and revulsion and the fear of mocking. From everyone I've ever met. And probably lots of people I haven't. Focus. No-one knows. There's nothing to know. We're not thinking about Spike, we're talking about Buffy. "I've never seen her so…"

"She's ... been through more than her fair share of late. She just needs a chance to catch her breath, regroup. She'll be all right." Why doesn't anyone let me finish a sentence. Ok it might be cos they're worried I'll barf on them, but still. It's rude. But Giles is right. This is Buffy. She'll deal


"Yeah. She'll …" Don't vomit. Do not be sick. Not in front of Spike. How embarrassing. Cause of the jokes he could make. Not because I want him to like me. No, really. "Yeah." Good. One word sentences. That's about all I can manage. Maybe I'll just sit here and not speak for a while…..

Nearly managed to fall asleep there for a minute. Now Anya's talking. Sometimes I wish she'd just learn when to be quiet. Like normal people. I was quite happy there, dreaming about Spike sucking…Oh god no. Bad brain. You love Anya. She is quirky and ex-demonish. Not annoying or abnormal. Except when she tries to feed people Spam. You do not want Spike. You want a normal life with your slightly strange, but now totally human, girlfriend. Who is a girl.

Normal. Huh. Who am I kidding. I'm the most normal person here and *I'm* having fantasies about a member of the undead who thinks he's Billy Idol. I guess normal is not really on the menu for somebody whose friends are a slayer, two witches, a watcher, a big ball of energy and an incredibly sexy…I mean stupid…chipped vampire. Not that Spike is my friend. He's evil. I hate him.

Hey. Tara just nearly incinerated my vampire. Not *my* vampire. *The* vampire. The evil one who's tried to kill me and all my friends before now. My friends. Poor Willow. She's really worried about Tara. Not that that's exactly shocking news. If some blonde hell bitch sucked out Spikes…Anya's, I mean Anya's, brain, I'd be pretty wigged.

Sexy vampire speaking. Focus. "No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play ... peek-a-boo with Mister Sunshine all you like. It keeps the ride from getting boring" Oh, that's sweet. He's being really cute and understanding.

Aaargh. I did not just think Spike was sweet. That is it. I'm getting out. Or not. We are going pretty fast.

And there are people outside. With arrows.

"Arrows" Yeah, well done Mr States-the-Obvious. Make them all look at you like you're a moron. Or maybe they'll be distracted by the arrows. Oh God. We're under attack. How much fun can one man stand.

"Bloody Hell." Got to say I'm with Spike on this one. I'd be with Spike on anything. Anywhere. Shut up brain. Robin Hood and his not so Merry Men are out there trying to kill us.

"They're throwing arrows!" Way to go Xan-man. I'm sure no one worked that out for themselves. Besides, the word is firing, or shooting, not throwing, and I bet they all needed you to tell them a second time. It's a good job I'm not even remotely interested in boinking the undead, as the Dawnster would say, cos I'm acting like even more of a moron than usual. And yes I realise that's really saying something. Thank you brain for reminding me.

Not to worry. Looks like we're fighting now. That should keep my inner psyche from thinking about Spike in those tight trousers for a while. Hey. Trying to stay alive here, not lust after the crazy demon guy who's thinks he's in love with one of my *female* best friends. He is not gay, and that's okay, cos neither am I.

Oh. It's all gone quiet. Did we kill all King Arthur's knights?

"Did we shake 'em?" Gaah. Sword. Near my head. Guess we didn't. And I'm panicking again. This time it's not Spike related. Progress. Or possibly just near death experience. Good either way. What am I saying. Near death is not good. I don't want to die without shagging Spike. And now my subconscious sounds like him. Great. That's just great.

"Now might be a good time for something heroic." Sure thing brain. What should I do. Oh, right. That was real Spike speaking, not my inner demon. Nice pun there, even if I do say so myself. To myself.

Oops, Buffy's talking. "Xander! Hatch!" Right. I was going to help. Do something heroic and impress Spike. Not that I feel the need to impress him. Just want to show I can hold my own. By giving a very petite and not at all heavy slayer a foot up. Okay so not that impressive, I guess. Oh well. Buffy's up there. She can handle the actual heroics.

Look's like she's not the only one. Anya's beating them off with her frying pan, so we should be okay. Even though it's not quite a piano. Oh God. Did Anya just say that. I've spent too much time corrupting that girl. Time I could be spending thinking about Spike. Being corrupted by Spike would be fun too. Is he okay. He nearly got incinerated again. Which would be bad. Because we need him to help protect Dawn. And because there's not a lot of naked fun to be had with a pile of ashes. As far as I know. Not that I would. Do naked things with Spike. Ever. At all.

He seems alright though. Dawnie is taking good care of him. Seems quiet outside as well, so hopefully we're all alright now.

"Is everyone all right?" That was gonna be my question. We're all alive though, so that's okay. Maybe Spike will need me to tend his wounds later. Oh gross. Now I feel sick again. And Giles is swerving the bus again. G-Man, that's really not helping. Oh we're tipping over. Still tipping. And falling now. As is the huge Winnebago, with us inside. I'm gonna die without ever kissing Spike. Which is fine. I wouldn't want to do that anyway. Ouch. My head. No more thinking.