Title: Denial-Land is a nice place to be (3/?)

Author: Goddess Arundhathi goddess_Arundhathi@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: R (for slashy thoughts)

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Feedback: Yes please.

Archive: If you want, but please let me know.

Disclaimer: None of them are mine. If they were, things wouldn't be this way. Joss, UPN etc. etc. own them all, and they need to start looking after them properly

Spoilers: Up to end of Season 5

Summary: Xander 'mind bubble' (Thank you, Meleesa) during the episodes Intervention to The Gift. As the Scoobies try to deal with Glory, Xander is struggling to escape from denial and deal with new thoughts about Spike.

Notes: Set during the events of Season 5 (Intervention onwards) Probably helps if you've seen these eps recently.

Dedication: Everyone who's said they liked it, especially Veronica. If you keep sending me such distracting ideas, (chocolate-covered Xander, ruffled-hair Spike, licking) I'll never finish, and, just like Joss, I'll never get Xander out of denial. That can't possibly be a good thing!

*~*~*~*~*

Ow. That hurt. Just so you know, being in a Winnebago when the driver gets attacked by a knight with a lance. Not a good plan. Not that I'm surprised by that fact, but still. Ouch. Still, at least the nausea is gone. I was worried that I was gonna take Spike up on his suggestion, and 'toss my cookies' all over him. That would have been humiliating.

We really need to get out of here. Those Knights are probably still after us. Oh shit, look at Giles. Better help him out. That's a lot of blood. He's pretty heavy too, even with slayer strength supporting half of him.

Right, lets get out of here. Oh sure, and go where? We're in the middle of the desert. We go out there and Spike's gonna burn up, which would be bad. Because we need him to help protect. Not because I care. At all. But in a fight he could be pretty handy to have. So, shelter.

"We gotta find shelter" Great. Xand-man states the obvious, yet again. I say such stupid things sometimes. Like, most of time. But I guess we have bigger things to worry about at the moment, like a roof over the vampire's head.

"Yeah, right bloody quick. I'm burning up out here." And that blanket isn't doing much good. As usual. For a vamp Spike really does spend a lot of time taking walks in the sunshine. He should stop that or he might end up dead. Which would be bad. For Dawn, I mean. It wouldn't matter to me at all. I really don't like him. We do need to get him out of the sun though. Like, now, before Mr 'I'm the Big Bad' ends up blowing in the wind as part of a big old sandstorm.

Hey, a building. Okay, it looks more like half a building, but beggars can't be choosers and all that. We really need to get help for Giles. He looks rough. He's probably getting a bit old for all this Last Action Hero stuff. Not as old as Spike though, and I'd definitely let him…do nothing. I would never let Spike do anything to me like that. That would be wrong. And gross. Stop thinking that. Now is not the time to think about Spike's cool lips all over me. Yaargh. Stop that. Focus on the big drama, not the compact, well-muscled vampire.

C'mon G-Man, lets get you in here, before I drop you. He's really heavy. I wish I had some super-strength. Those Slay-gal powers really come in handy sometimes. Hell, is it any wonder I have lusty thoughts about men when my two best friends are not only ten times as tough and powerful as me, but also women. Emasculating is not the word. Well, maybe it is. I'm not a hundred percent sure on the meaning, so I could actually be right. Stranger things have happened. What I mean is sometimes it's hard to remember I'm the *guy* in this trio, so the lusting after men, well, vampires, is just a by-product of spending so much time with girls. Sort of like it's catching, you know?

Way to go on the rationalisation, Xander. You don't lust after Spike, you just think you're a girl. Cos that makes you, I mean me, so much more sane. And now I'm talking to myself again. Brilliant. No more thinking until we've dealt with the bleeding watcher and the rampaging crusaders on our trail. Not to mention the God that wants to use the Dawnster to open something. This being the wacky world of Xander and friends, I'm guessing she's not trying to get into her jewellery box or anything. More likely to be a big hell-like play room full of giant snake demons and other nasty toys. Did I mention how much I love my life?

"Careful. Up." Okay, Giles is probably slightly more comfortable now he can bleed out lying on a gas station counter, instead of being propped up against me and Spike. I wouldn't mind being propped up against Spike though. Hey. Stop that brain. This is serious. Giles is really hurt. I hope Will can do the healy bits. First aid is not my thing. Giles usually does the bandaging around here. I'm mostly just fetch-and-carry-guy.

"Okay, Will" Buffy still looks like she's about to freak out. Hardly surprising, given the way her life is recently. I don't know how she's coped. Riley leaving, Joyce dying, the whole Dawn and Glory shebang. It's like things have just spiralled out of her control. And she *likes* the control. I suppose you get used to being the one with the power when you could kill a person with one well placed kick. Not that she would, of course. I'm just saying. She could. If she wanted to.

"I'm on it." Will's not in much better shape. Her and Tara really have the big love. That's nice for her, after Oz and all that wolfy stuff. I was pretty shocked about the gay thing at first, but she really seems happy. It does mean she'd probably be support-o-gal if I told her I was having lusty bad thoughts about a guy. Well, until I told her about the guy in question, when she'd probably test out the book of spells on me, get Buffy to stake Spike, and start asking about possession. Not that I'm gonna tell her, cause there's nothing *to* tell. It's just stress, giving me crazy thoughts about the vampire.

Talking (well, ok, thinking, seeing as how I'm not having these conversations with myself out loud yet) of the vampire, how is he. His hands were pretty badly cut up. Not that he could die from it, but still, someone should kiss it better. I did not mean that. I just meant someone should take care of his injuries. Oh, check out Nurse Buffy. Real sweet bedside manner.

"Ow. Easy with the delicates." Spike must really be in pain. I don't think I've ever heard him admit to that before, except in a raging at the Initiative for causing it kind of way. I guess that's what you get for trying to be all heroic and grabbing hold of the big sharp sword with both hands. Still, if he hadn't, it would have been impaled in Buffy's head, so you have to give him points for effort.

"They'll heal." Well, you do unless you're Buffy at her sympathetic best. Dawn looked pretty worried there. I guess she's the only one of us that treats Spike like he matters. Probably because she's the only one that even thinks he does. Except maybe Anya, she looks pretty disgusted by Buffy's attitude. Ex-demon empathy I suppose. Not that I'm not sympathetic. This time. He is helping. She could try to be a little more grateful, seeing as she's the one that brought him along. Still, if she asked, he'd probably stake Dru for her, and not expect any appreciation. Oh yeah, I remember, he already offered. Poor guy is totally slayer-whipped. Oh no. No sympathy with the vampire. He's evil, and in love with the slayer. I mean lust, not love, he's a vampire, he can't love Buffy. Or me, so I should stop thinking about him. Okay. Like, now. Please.

"Florence bloody Nightingale to the rescue" Guess Spike's about as impressed with Buffy's nurturing as us. At least that means he's not fawning over her. That would be horrible to watch. Almost as scary as seeing him and the Buffy-bot….Don't think about that. If you fade out and start having kinky thoughts about Spike now, there'll be drool, and embarrassment, and possibly pain, when you try and explain it to your girlfriend, who, in case we've all forgotten, used to be a vengeance demon. Besides, there are slightly more important things to worry about, like what the hell do we do now.

"Um, you have another plan, right?" Anya looks pretty stressed too. Generally speaking, when the 1000 year old ex-demon looks worried, panic. "One that doesn't involve pointy knives and a Winnebago?" She obviously loved that plan as much as I did.


"We-we-we'll rest here for a minute, but then we have to keep moving." Again with the Buffy being flaky thing. I'm not sure how long my brain can keep processing this. I'm the one that's allowed to freak. Cause of the whole I don't have any superpowers to protect me thing. Besides, what good is moving going to do.


"Where?" Please tell me Buff. How can we find somewhere that's safe, and Giles can get fixed up, and the demon you brought along as your sidekick won't spontaneously combust on the way.


"I don't know! We just, we, we, we can't, can't stay here. I-it's too close to the wreck, we're too easy to find." And once more with the panic.

"Buffy" Oh god. Willow. What's wrong now. Giles, I guess. He looks really thrashed, and grey. Almost like he's already dead. Now I'm thinking like he's definitely gonna die. That's stupid. Will'll fix him. That's what she's good at. She's always been able to make me feel better. Although admittedly, I've never been impaled on a huge lance. Oh, and didn't that choice of phrase bring up some interesting mental pictures.

Alright, brain. That is it. No more gross and disturbing Spike images. No more assuming Giles is gonna die. We'll fix this. That's what we do. And at least there's no sign of the non-caped crusaders….

Gaah. Arrow. Again. Burning. Put it out quick. OK. There's no way that was my fault. Thinking things does not jinx you. It's only when you speak that that happens. Right? All the same, maybe I won't tell Buffy and Willow what I was thinking. Especially not the Spike part. Something tells me they'd be madder about that than the jinxing thing. And I know Anya would, cos she doesn't really get the whole concept of jinx. She says its nonsense, and everyone knows you can't make something happen by saying it. I tried to point out that she did that for 1100 years with the whole power of the wish thing. She got all upset when I brought that up though because she thinks I hate the fact that she used to be a demon, and bring it up to hurt her, so then we had to have make-up sex.

Maybe I should have told her that actually I quite like it, the whole demon thing really turns me on. Thinking about it, maybe not. That was the night I yelled out Spike's name. I was imagining me and Spike trapped in his crypt with nothing to do but each other. Mmm!

Oh. Shit! Arrows. Not time for imagining me and Spike doing *anything*. Wonder how many of those knights are out there. Quite a few, then. Better let everyone know.

"We got company." Better bring out the best china. Then they can break *it* instead of us. Hey. More arrows. "And they brought a crusade." Cute, Xander. But now is not the time for stupid comments. Learn that there are times when a smart remark is not the smartest approach. And learn to stop talking to yourself. One of these days you'll do it out loud. Of course, this being the comedy that is your life, it'll be at one of those totally inappropriate times when the world is about to end and you're thinking about all the ways Spike could turn you on. And there we go again. Focus on not dying, not on getting horizontal with Spike. Or even vertical. Any way is good. Up against that wall over there maybe.

No, no sex with Spike. I'm hiding. With Anya. That's a sensible way to not die. And, if I am gonna die, maybe there'll be time for one last orgasm. Again with the inappropriate sex thoughts. Although, this time there's a bright side. Thoughts about sex with Anya, so slightly less inappropriate than lusting after the Big-not-so-Bad, who is currently trying to destroy his brain by trying to beat up on these Knights. Damn. They're human? He should be okay though. Buffy's got his back. Lucky her. Aaargh. Stop thinking. I was doing so well there. Thinking about Anya. My girlfriend. Who I'm want to marry. I mean, I've bought a ring and everything. I love her. I do not like Spike. Okay. Understand?

Great. Internal arguments. I'm hiding and having internal squabbles while Buffy battles the Knights of the Last Crusade or whatever. She's doing pretty well too. Looks less wigged now she's got something to beat up on. That's my Buffy. Well not mine in that way. Which is ok, because I don't want her like that anymore. I want Spike. No. I mean Anya. I want Anya.

Okay. Less thought, more action. Lets move the not so conscious Knight of the Round Table so Buffy can kick a little more medieval ass. Geez. Don't these guys ever give up. This building would probably fall down in a strong win and the way they're attacking it'll last about another five minutes.

I guess that guy with the flashy red cloak must be the big boss-man. Maybe he wants to negotiate. Wow. Maybe Buffy's not gonna let him. That was quite a throw. And quite a punch too. He's out cold. His men will probably be on their way in here to get him back though.

"Enemies, fly and fall." But not if Will has anything to do with it. She's really working that mojo. She really has some kind of scary power now. Her eyes get all black and everything. Wonder how she's gonna keep these guys out.

"Circling arms raise a wall." Now that was cool. Some sort of Sci-fi style force field. I just hope she can keep those marauding crusaders out of here for a while.

"Will? How long will it hold?" That's the million dollar question, I guess. Doesn't look like we're going anywhere, so hopefully we can keep them out for long enough to figure out what to do next. Well, for Buffy to figure it out. Cause that's what she does. She figures it out, then we help her.

"Half a day maybe." Okay that should do it. "Or till Heckle and Jeckle punch a hole through it." Huh? Oh, right. They have mojo guys too. Figures. Everyone's in on the magic stuff except me. I don't think Spike likes it much either. What do you know! Common ground. Oh yeah, that's great. I have something in common with the impossibly sexy, I mean pesky, soulless demon. I always knew I was screwed up.

"So. What's the story with these role-playing rejects?" Another good question. This time from the bleached blond demon of my dreams. Nightmares. I mean nightmares.

"Lets find out." Okay, so we're doing interrogate the bad guy. That should be fun to watch. And if not, I can always watch Spike watch Buffy. Great. Not only am I lusting after the evil vampire, I'm now jealous because he likes one of my best friends better. I need a life in the worst kind of way. A sane one, where I don't think about boinking the undead. Especially not undead men. Cause of, you know, not being gay and all.

TBC