Title: Denial-Land is a nice place to be (4/?)

Author: Goddess Arundhathi goddess_arundhathi@yahoo.co.uk

Rating: R (for slashy thoughts)

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Feedback: Yes please.

Archive: If you want, but please let me know.

Disclaimer: None of them are mine. If they were, things wouldn't be this way. Joss, UPN etc. etc. own them all, and they need to start looking after them properly

Spoilers: Up to end of Season 5

Summary: Xander 'mind bubble' (Thank you, Meleesa) during the episodes Intervention to The Gift. As the Scoobies try to deal with Glory, Xander is struggling to escape from denial and deal with new thoughts about Spike.

Notes: Set during the events of Season 5 (Intervention onwards) Probably helps if you've seen these eps recently.

Dedication: Everyone who's said they liked it, especially Veronica. If you keep sending me such distracting ideas, (chocolate-covered Xander, ruffled-hair Spike, licking) I'll never finish, and, just like Joss, I'll never get Xander out of denial. That can't possibly be a good thing!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*Previously in Denial Land:*

"So. What's the story with these role-playing rejects?" Another good question. This time from the bleached blond demon of my dreams. Nightmares. I mean nightmares.

"Lets find out." Okay, so we're doing interrogate the bad guy. That should be fun to watch. And if not, I can always watch Spike watch Buffy. Great. Not only am I lusting after the evil vampire, I'm now jealous because he likes one of my best friends better. I need a life in the worst kind of way. A sane one, where I don't think about boinking the undead. Especially not undead men. Cause of, you know, not being gay and all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You sure Scarface here can habla the English?" Much as I hate to admit it, even to myself, Spike has a point. These guys may be human, but they are pretty funny looking. I'm not sure where they came from. Look kind of historic. Maybe they're time travellers. Yeah sure, Xander, and this is Star Trek.

"He understands me. Don't you?" Whoa. Scary-Buffy time. Times like this I'm so glad I'm on her side. Wouldn't want to get in the way of that slayer strength. Looks like she's right though. He gets it. And he look a lot less scared than I would if I was him. Every time he looks at Dawn, Buffy gets a little more pissed

"Look at her that way again, and she will be the last thing you ever see." That's my girl. I'm so glad she's my friend. I'm pretty scared, and it's not directed at me. Maybe I'm fated to be attracted to people who scare me. Cordy was pretty scary. Anya has the whole demon thing. Faith tried to kill me. And Spike, well, Spike's a vampire. I'm sure he'll figure out a way to get that chip out one day, and then it's 'Sayonara Slayerettes, See You Later Scoobies.' I'm not stupid. I know that, for all he helps, if he could kill us, he would. Of course, if he's still on with the 'I love Buffy' riff, he might just turn her, so bright side. Or maybe not. The thought of a vamp with slayer powers doesn't exactly fill me with the joys of spring. And I just realised I included Spike in my list of people I'm attracted to. I have to stop doing that. It's crazy. I'm crazy.

Of course, that's it. I'm not gay. Just insane. I've got to admit, it makes sense. Pretty much the first time this whole Spike thing has made anything other than the kind of sense that's not. So, progress? Just lock me up, and throw away the key. Preferably after you let Spike into the padded cell. No hard walls or sharp corners. Think of the fun we could have. No, don't think of it, not now. General Custer is mouthing off about Dawn.

"As I've been told, you protect the key of the beast." God, the way he talks about her. If I had any sort of hope of beating him, I'd take him on now. But I don't, and never will, so lets leave that up to Buffy. She's slay girl.

"It's not that simple." No, she's not just a key. She's Dawnie. We have to protect her. No matter what this guy might think.

"Yes. The key has been transformed, given ... breath, life. Yet, this makes no difference. The key is the link. The link must be severed. Such is the will of god." Poor Dawnie. She looks so scared. It must be pretty freaky to just find out one day that your whole life is a lie. It's so weird. On one level, I know it's true. She didn't used to be here. But I have all these memories. Meeting her for the first time. Realising I was her older guy crush. Little old me, someone's crush. How cool! Then finding out it's not real. She's not real. Except she is, because I have those memories. They're part of my life. She's part of my life. If I feel like that, it must so much worse for her and Buffy. I mean, I only have four years worth of brain-scrambling. They have their whole lives.


"She doesn't remember anything about being this key you're all looking for. The only thing that she remembers is growing up with a mother, and a sister that love her. What kind of god would demand her life for something that she has no control over?" God, that guy just does not seem to care. Buffy's starting to get that frightened bunny look again. I've never seen her so freaked. Not even when the Acathla thing was going down. Wonder what she's planning on doing. Or if she even has a plan. Man, I really hope so.

"We are not your enemy. Tell your men to stand down." Well, I guess that's worth a try. The 'leave us alone, we don't want to fight' approach to negotiation.

"No." Or maybe not.

"It is not her fault! She's human now!" And I'm still having trouble getting my head around the idea that she ever wasn't.

"The key is too dangerous ... to be allowed to exist. No matter what form it has been pressed into." See, that's what I don't understand. How can Dawn be dangerous. She's just a girl. Not a slayer, a demon or a vampire. Even chipped, Spike is more dangerous than Dawnie


"I will not let anyone tell me-" Buffy is really pissed now. Hang on a minute. What was that. Willow's having problems next door. Better make sure they're okay in there.

"Shh, shh, shh." Tara's freaking again.

"What happened?" Buffy looks like she really doesn't have time for this. I think anything that's not Dawn is pretty low on her list of priorities right now.


"I-I don't know, she just went nuts." Way to go on the tact front, An. My girlfriend still struggles with the whole sensitivity thing. Nuts is not the kindest word to describe someone with a tenuous (hey, big word) hold on reality. Even I know that. Guess I'm fated to hook up with people who are incapable of the whole tact thing. Anya, Cordy, Spike.

Not that I've ever hooked up with Spike. Or ever will. Even if I wanted to, he sure as hell wouldn't. Which is good, because he's a vampire. I can just see Buffy being okay with that, especially after the way I was about Deadboy. 'Sure Xander, you can make out with Spike. After I stake him. I'm sure you and the contents of the ashtray will be real happy together.' Also, he's a guy, which is really not my cup of tea. I like girls, with breasts, and girl parts. Not men like Spike, all muscled, and handsome and hard...and isn't this internal conversation fun, and not at all disturbing. I'm gonna stop now.

"Time! Time, time!" Time for what, Tara. Ok, obviously time to rip down the walls and get out that way, instead of through the door like any normal brain-sucked person. Oh right, not so much happening on the normal front there, I guess. I wish there was something we could do to help.

"Tara! We have to do something! She, she can't stay this way. Buffy!" I know Willow's right. She always is. But what can we do? Not exactly a whole lot of experience on the mental health front here. It's a shame we don't know anyone who could help.

"Time... time...time…" And again, I ask, time for what? Or maybe we don't want to know. If there's one thing living on the Hellmouth has taught me, it's to not ask questions if you don't want to hear the answers. Given that Tara got her brain sucked by a power crazed Hell God, I'm guessing it's not time for tea or anything nice like that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Well, Willow seems to have calmed Tara down now. She's not trying to do a break out with her one good hand anymore, so that's a start. Giles still looks bad though. What are we going to do with him. We really need a doctor.

"Willow." Wow. Buffy's face at the moment looks an awful lot like Willow's resolve face. Maybe it's time for action. Or more hiding.

"Open a door." Or possibly just letting the bad guys in to attack us with their huge swords. No, brain, I'm not going to let you turn that into a Spike related innuendo. There's no time for that sort of thinking at the minute. Too much is going on. God I hope Buffy has a plan. Other than being afraid and dying.

Alright, we're opening a door. Lets go out and have a chat with the rampaging crusaders.

"One of my friends was hurt when you attacked us."


"And ten of my men are dead. Honorable men. Shall we balance the scale?" Okay, so that wasn't the plan. We just want a doctor, not a fight to the death.

"Will you let someone come and help him or not?" Please. Pretty please with cherries on top and all that.


"Give quarter to an agent of the beast? What madness would move me to such action?" I guess it was too much to ask.


"I'm done asking." Oh, no. Buffy, now is really not the time for violence. I'm going in.

"Whoa, whoa, hey! Uh ... this is war, isn't it? And if there's one thing I've learned from Sergeant Rock, it is, in war ... there are rules." Yeah sure, wow them with your knowledge of trash TV shows that they've probably never heard of. Big second in command guy's not looking too impressed. Let's keep trying.

"Or at least there should be, if you're as honorable as you think you are. Plus, we do have your general forehead guy." Yeah, because I'm sure that's what they call him. Still, he's thinking about it. Sometimes I have my uses. Usually I get used as a throwing implement by big bad demons, but just occasionally I come through in a more impressive way.

It worked. I appealed to the soldier in these guys and they agreed. Buffy's making the call. That Ben guy from the hospital appears to be our only hope. Still, I think he likes Buffy, so I'm sure he'll be willing to drive out here in the middle of the night and risk his life to help a middle-aged ex librarian he's never met. Okay, and looking at it that way I'm suddenly panicking again.


"Hey, uh, i-it's Buffy. I need to ask you a really big favor." I'm not sure that 'favor' really covers the whole driving into the desert and making your way through a thoroughly pissed and very persistent army of Knights with swords, lances and funny pictures on their heads. Oh well, he might just be crazy enough to agree. *We're* all here after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

What was I worrying about? The guy's got a crush on Buffy. That inspires you to acts of great courage and stupidity. I should know, I attempted most of them! He's not freaking out as much as I would have thought either. Spike really doesn't like him though. He does not look happy.


"All right, I think I got him stabilized, but there's a lot of damage. We need to get him out of here." Oh sure, Doctor Wonder Boy. How are we gonna do that.

"Well, I think the guys with the pointy swords kinda have other ideas." At least Buffy's realised that much.

"Don't they always." Wow, this guy's got it bad for our heroine. Bad jokes and everything. Whoops. Just nearly laughed at him. That would not have been appropriate, what with him risking his life to help us and all. But the look on Spike's face. He's even less impressed with this guy that I am. Of course, that might be down to the whole jealousy thing. Him liking Buffy, I mean. Not me being jealous. In any way, shape or form. I'm not interested in Buffy any more. Or Spike. Not that I ever was in Spike. I mean *interested* in Spike. Okay. Great. Internal babble again. Even when I'm outwardly quiet, I can't shut myself up.

"Look, I know this must seem extra "Outer Limits" to you." C'mon Buff. The guy lives in Sunnydale. He probably managed to ignore the Crusade outside, or do that selective memory thing Sunnydale residents are so good at.


"This? Naah. I've seen things you wouldn't believe." Somehow I doubt that, Mister.


"You know, emergency room, full moon on a Saturday night." Oh, please. I can't listen to this guy any longer. I'd rather talk to General Custer through there. I'm out of here.

Oh. Forgot Spike was in here. Not to worry. I can deal. I'll just stand here and glare. Then he'll know I don't like him.

Shit. I guess he really is hurt. Can't even light his cigarette. His hands are a mess. Not that I care. Not really.

"Ow." Dammit. I'm gonna have to help. I can't just stand here and watch him struggle. Even though I probably should. I go and help him, I'm just leaving myself open to him. In a bad way, not a good, take me now sort of way. Not that that would be good either. Okay, moving, not thinking.

"Thanks" Oh, my God. He thanked me. Now my world is out of orbit. The big bad remembering his manners. I can't cope. I want reality back. The world where Buffy fixes things, all demons are evil, and I don't have dreams where the vampire next to me covers me in chocolate and licks it off. Don't think about that now. That way leads to sweaty palms and embarrassing urges. Just light the cigarette and move away slowly. Without panic or unnecessary touching.

Okay. See. That was fine. I lit his cigarette. Without humiliating myself by licking his face or anything. Even though I really wanted to. No. I didn't. That would be gross and disgusting. I hate him. And the way he looked at me. Like he thought I was going to set him on fire or something. Am I really that awful to him. Guess so. Great. Now I have guilt. About being mean to the soulless demon. Maybe I should make a little effort though.

"You know, those things'll kill you." Oh, that was great. Scintillating conversation. Why is he looking at me like that. Oh yeah. Already dead.

"Oh. Right." Smooth talker Xander. Now you look like an idiot. Maybe I should remind him that I don't care what he thinks. At all. Or maybe I should push him up against this wall and show him how I feel. Those lips look so soft and kissable. Aargh. No. No kissing Spike lips. I don't want to do that. Really. Okay. Deep breaths. I can handle being in the same room as him.

I just had a really scary thought. G-Man once told me that vampires have enhanced senses, so they can smell fear and all that. Does that mean they can smell arousal. Oh God, please don't let that be possible. The only thing worse than lusting after Spike would be if he knew.

"I mention today how much I don't like you?" That ought to do it. Remind him that I hate him. Hopefully I'll be able to persuade myself at the same time.


"You mighta let it slip in …" Or maybe not. Don't think about slipping anything in. Anywhere. Not now. That would just be wrong. God, those eyes. It's almost like he can read my mind.

"Once or twice." And that smile. Like we have some secret that no-one else knows. Not that there is anything to know.

"How're your feelers?" Great. Act like you care. That ought to persuade the big bad vampire that you really hate him. In an world where people say the opposite of what they mean.

"Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna get chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in." Right. That door. Not too strong. Spike could probably break it down with his bleeding bandaged hands. This is good. Conversation. Non-innuendo related. I might get out of this with my dignity intact. Yeah right. Like I have any in the first place. I'm lusting after the evil undead. No hope for dignity here. "And here we bloody sit."

"It's not like we got much of a choice." What else are we gonna do. There's only you and Buffy that are strong enough to fight them.. and where do we go, anyway?

"Could make a break for it! Use General Armor-All as a shield,." I forgot about him. Good job I didn't lick Spike's face. I never did perform well with an audience. Oh, Spike's still talking. Listen. And don't drool. Please

"…get to the doc's car, and-" And what. You get killed because you can't fight back. I have to admit I don't want that. But only to myself. No power on this earth will ever get me to admit it to anyone else. Especially with the ex-demon girlfriend and the slayer and witch as best friends. You wouldn't need to get killed by Sir Lancelot and the rest. My friends would do it before they had chance.

"Great plan. And while all the hacking and slashing's going on, what are you gonna be doing, huh? Throwing migraines at 'em?" Yeah, great Xan. Remind him about his chip. Way to piss off the object of your fantasies. Not that he is, usually. It's just the fear and everything, playing with my head, making me think I want the soulless, male vampire with the piercing blue eyes and not at all kissable lips. Aargh. And again I say please brain, stop working.


"Look, we stay here, we all die! At least this way, some of us might get-"

"No." Buffy. Hey. Gotta say I agree with you on that one.

"We're all gonna make it. I'm not losing anyone." That works for me. If only I knew how you were going to manage it.

"Check the supplies. See if anyone's hungry." Food. That's always good. But I'm worried about Buffy. By the look on Spike's face, I guess he feels the same. Of course he does. He loves her. Or what passes in his depraved mind for love, anyway. But her, not me. Never me. Even if I was interested, he'd just use it against me, and I have quite enough mocking in my life already. Oh, and that's rich. I'm calling him depraved. I'm the thoroughly straight guy having the totally x-rated dreams about the evil soulless Master Vampire, and I'm suggesting he's depraved because he's got the hots for Buffy, who's female, and not evil. My mind is finally totally warped. No surprises there though. I should have seen it coming from the minute Buffy suggested I might be having sex with Spike, and it didn't sound like a totally bad thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wonder how Giles is doing now. Hopefully Ben was good for something, even if his yen for Buffy rivals mine four years ago. Talking of Ben, what's with him now?.

"You have to let me out." I guess he's decided the freakiness of our lives is too much, and he wants out. Maybe not even the attraction of Buffy can compete with the cold sweat of fear sometimes.

"Ben?" Dawn's as thrown as I am. I'm not sure why he all of a sudden decided he has to leave.

"You don't understand, I gotta get out, open a door now!" Wow, he's really freaking. Wonder what set that off It's not like the renaissance fair outside have started a new offensive. Great. Now I'm stealing Spike's analogies. I thought lusting after him was rock bottom, but here's a lower place.

"What happened?" I'll tell you what happened, Buff. He realised he wanted out of the freak show that is our lives. And who can blame him. This is all totally fucked up. Just for a change. At least I've stopped thinking about, or *like*, Spike, though.


"I-I don't know, he just freaked out." Which has got to be a pretty normal reaction to whatever's going on here. It's not exactly life as usual. Unless of course you're us.


"Let me out!" He's really wigged. Maybe we should just let him go. Giles looks a bit better, and there's no sense in dragging people off the street into our latest end of the world drama.

"Okay, W-Will, open a door."

"No! Ha!" That guy is starting to bother me now. What got him all wigged all of a sudden? He was fine two minutes ago.

Gaah. What the hell. Oh my god. Glory's here. Where did she come from? Now I'm confused. That should probably be my motto, you know. I don't really understand how she got in here though. Maybe force fields don't work against Gods or something.

"Well, what do you know. Little Ben finally did something right." Glory knows Ben? Maybe he wasn't lying when he said he'd seen stranger things. But how does nice doctor guy know the hell god?

"The beast." The General guy really doesn't like her. I know she's evil and all, but she's not that ugly. And that is really not the point right now. The *point* is probably panic.

"Hey, it's Gregor." Wow. Panic is particularly apt if she's gonna do things like that. Killing people with hubcaps. That was vicious. "Now it's not." And that was a really lame quip. I hate this woman. Serious violence and not even a good pun to finish off with. Okay, we're fighting.

Ouch. Attacking the hell god with your bare hands. Not a good idea. What do I expect if I follow Spike's lead. Hey, it's Spike. On me. I could get used to this. Eeew. No. Now is not the time to get inappropriately aroused. Although, I guess it is a pretty inappropriate time, which is probably the appropriate time in a screwed up, back-to-front kind of way. Okay, so that didn't make sense even to me. Which is probably a good thing. I don't think I want anything about Spike and me to make sense. Ever. Not that there's ever going to be a 'Spike and me'. Even if I was about to make a move, he's got the whole Buffy chasing thing going on. All those years of not getting Buffy cos she was totally into a vampire, and now I have no chance with a vampire because he's got the hots for her. Check out the irony.

On second thoughts, perhaps I should think about the irony later, and concentrate on not letting the vampire that's still in my lap notice how much he's getting to me. Down boy! There are more important things to worry about, like the fact that Buffy's on the floor and Glory is still here.

"Buffy" Oh god, she's got Dawn. C'mon body. Get up. Maybe those knights will slow down enough to let Buffy catch up.

Or maybe Glory will bash her way through the force field while Buffy is still picking herself up off the floor. Okay, she's outta here. That's a start. And she's back in. Not such a good sign.

"Willow!" Huh? Oh right, the force field thingy. Will's eyes have that scary thing going on. And Spike is still on top of me. Which I'm enjoying a little bit too much. We're both as bad as each other. Jumping into a fight we can't win for the sake of the unattainable. Him to show Buffy how much he wants to help. Me trying to prove I'm not just the Zeppo, or the whelp, as Spike would have it. I feel so stupid for letting that bother me. I'm not sure who's crazier. Him for wanting her, or me for wanting him.

I have to stop thinking that. I love Anya. That is not in question. It's just, Spike is so, well, Spike, and at the moment that seems like a good thing. Especially when he's this close to me, and I can feel that body touching mine. I just start to imagine what it would be like if we were naked together. Okay. Getting up now. Gods to fight. Keys to rescue. Time enough later to think about Spike. Or not. I'm sure I've done enough Spike related thinking to last a lifetime. Time to get back to reality.

"Get it down, now!" Oh God, do it quickly. Glory has Dawn, and she's getting away. C'mon Will, hurry.


"Hear, hear my plea. Circling arm protecting me" I think Willow managed to get rid of the force field again. Her eyes did that black glowy thing. Buffy's off again. Better get outside and see if she needs any help with the Knights of….Holy mother of God. Glory did this? Okay, shock. Now fear. And now blind panic. How are we gonna stop her if she can take out hordes of armed soldiers in the time it took us to get outside.

What the hell do we do now. Buffy has just totally spaced out. We need to do something. Someone has to figure out how to get Dawn back.

"The car. Get the keys." Okay, a plan. Not much of one, and it came from Spike, but it's a start. I'll follow the blond demon. Anywhere. Alright, now is really not the time for that sort of thought. We'll get the car, and Willow can get Buffy. We just have to get Dawn back. Buffy'll know what to do next. Right?

TBC