Title: Denial-Land is a nice place to be (5/?)
Author: Goddess Arundhathi goddess_arundhathi@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: R (for slashy thoughts)
Pairing: Spike/Xander (kinda)
Feedback: Yes please.
Archive: If you want, but please let me know.
Disclaimer: None of them are mine. If they were, things wouldn't be this way. Joss, UPN etc. etc. own them all, and they need to start looking after them properly
Spoilers: Up to end of Season 5
Summary: Xander 'mind bubble' (Thank you, Meleesa) during the episodes Intervention to The Gift. As the Scoobies try to deal with Glory, Xander is struggling to escape from denial and deal with new thoughts about Spike.
Notes: Set during the events of Season 5 (Intervention onwards). Probably helps if you've seen these eps recently.
Dedication: Everyone who's said they liked it, especially Veronica. If you keep sending me such distracting ideas, (chocolate-covered Xander, ruffled-hair Spike, licking) I'll never finish, and, just like Joss, I'll never get Xander out of denial. That can't possibly be a good thing!
Denial Land is a Nice Place to be
Chapter Five: World of Denial
Previously on….
*Okay. Getting up now. Gods to fight. Keys to rescue. Time enough later to think about Spike. Or not. I'm sure I've done enough Spike related thinking to last a lifetime. Time to get back to reality.
What the hell do we do now? Buffy has just totally spaced out. We need to do something. Someone has to figure out how to get Dawn back.
"The car. Get the keys." Okay, a plan. Not much of one, and it came from Spike, but it's a start. I'll follow the blond demon. Anywhere. Alright, now is really not the time for that sort of thought. We'll get the car, and Willow can get Buffy. We just have to get Dawn back. Buffy'll know what to do next. Right?*
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh well, this is just fantastic. Dawn's been abducted by Glory the Fashion Victim Hell God, and big sis, slayer of all disasters, doesn't seem to be functioning on all cylinders. Or in fact any cylinders at all. The world is going to end. Again!
"Better part of a century spent in delinquency just paid off. Hotwired Ben's auto. Who's for gettin' the hell out of here?" Looks like Spike has his uses after all. In a non-icky sex fantasy sense. Not that I have fantasies where Spike is used. Ever. Okay then, lets leave.
"All in favor, let's do it. You good to go?" Giles is still looking, well, like someone stabbed him with a very long, sharp implement. Granted, that's not really surprising, given that he got gored with a long, sharp lance. Hopefully we can get him to a hospital now. Or at least as soon as Buffy's back with us.
"Oh, don't worry about me. How's Buffy?" Catatonic. What else is there to say? I've never seen anything like this before. Especially not from Buffy. She's usually the together one, the one that sorts things out.
"The same. Still." That doesn't get any less strange the more I look at her. She's just staring. Not at anything. Just staring
"It's been almost a half an hour." Thanks for reminding us, Will. Buffy has been non-function girl for a whole thirty minutes, and is showing no signs of doing, well, anything, to change that situation in the near future.
"The Slayer's gonna be all right, won't she?" Sure, Spike, she'll be fine. This is normal pre-battle preparation. Except that it's not.
"You should try it again, Will." You know, because it worked so well the first fifty times.
"All right, but ... I'm not even sure she's, you know ... really in there." Oh, and there's a happy thought. We have an end of the world scenario and the slayer has left not just the building, but also her own body.
"Try." Do something, anything. Just get her back.
"Can you hear me? Buffy!…Buffy!…Buffy?" Guess not.
"Buffy!" Yeah. She's so much more likely to respond to the undead stalker type guy than her best friend for the last five years. Nice effort Spike. Oh, Hallelujah, I'm pissed off at Spike. That's definitely a good thing. Well, I mean it's not. But then, it is really, cause it means I'm not all fluffy bunny feelings about him. Right?
"She can't just be brain-dead. I mean ... she's still Buffy, somewhere in there, right?" No, she's turned into Glory. Cause she could do that. Stop asking stupid questions and fretting about the slayer. You're not her friend, Spike. You have no right to worry about anybody but me. I mean you, no…Hell, what do I mean? Oh. Now I'm bothered that he's so worried about Buffy? Guess those fuzzy feelings are still around here somewhere, playing with my head.
"Spike, come on, we're not gonna get Dawn back by sittin' around here." Please don't freak out on us. The only thing worse than the slayer losing it would be the big bad demon deciding he can't handle things either.
"You're not gonna get Dawn back any way you slice it, Harris, it's for Buffy to decide."
"Good, panic. That oughta help." I can tell you something, Spike, it's really not helping my state of mind. Please stop. Now.
"We should move her. U-unless we shouldn't. Should we?" Willow-babble. At least that shows that she's still acting like herself. Everyone else is all strange and…well, strange pretty much covers all of it. Especially me.
"Couldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere." But at least Anya is no stranger than usual. And yet still so much odder than anyone else. What does that say about me, that my girlfriend is stranger than the slayer, the vampire, or the brain-mushed witch? Nothing good, I'm sure. Maybe Spike *would* be an improvement. If he wasn't a guy. And a vampire…okay, so obviously not an improvement at all. I know that.
"I am so large with not knowing." What the hell did that mean. If *I* don't understand my comments, everyone else must be totally lost. Why can't I just say 'I don't know'? That would be the sensible option. Which I guess is why I don't.
"It's impossible to know for sure. Losing Dawn, after all that Buffy's been through ... I think it's pushed her too far into some sort of catatonia." Well, duh Giles.
"You don't need a diploma to see that." That's what I was thinking. Only with more syllables, and an actual sentence. "Snap her out of it." Sure thing, Spike, and we haven't been trying to do that for the last half an hour. God, that vampire irritates the hell out of me with his useless suggestions and…and stupid hair. Actually, I kinda like Spike's hair. I can just imagine running my fingers through it, while kissing him…Eeew. No, I really wouldn't want to do that. It's all excessively gelled and quite possibly crispy. I'd probably get my hand stuck, and in terms of seduction, not a good move. And now I'm contemplating seduction of the evil undead fiend who has a crush on one of my best friends. That's just great. I finally lost it.
"Buffy!" Shake her out of it, why don't you, blondie. I'm sure that'll make *so* much difference. Maybe he should try it on me too. See if he can knock some sense into me. "Oi, rise and shine, love!"
"Spike…" Anya obviously thinks he's being a bit rough.
"Come on, people. Girl's endowed with Slayer strength. It's hardly the time to get dainty. Buffy!"
"We tried that!" Yes, we did the shaking thing already. Didn't work.
"Ow!" Way to go Spike. Hit the slayer. Damage her brain. Fry your own, or what little there is. Just what we need.
"We didn't try that." No Anya, we really didn't. And we didn't even have to worry about our own brains. Just Buffy's.
"Are you insane? We could be dealing with neurological damage here. You want to kill her?" I know he doesn't, but I can't stand here and watch while he frets over Buffy and fries whatever remaining brain cells are in that pretty blond head of his. And I meant that in a nasty, sarcastic way. The pretty bit, I mean. And once again with the internal conversations. I'm totally sane, really, I am.
"We have to do something. I can't just sit here watching. You waste time with kid gloves. I'm willing to wager, when all is said and done, Buffy likes it rough." Oh that is it. I've had it.
Oh shit. I hit Spike. The evil vampire. I don't even really know why. It's not like he hasn't said far worse before, and I've never been crazy enough to attack him for it. If I'm honest, only to myself, of course, it's probably a combination of the screaming heebie-jeebies about Buffy, my own spiralling insanity, and the teensiest amount of the green-eyed monster. If he's feeling that way about anyone, I want it to be me. I want those hands to be touching me only. And I can't believe I admitted that. Even to myself.
Great, Xander. Buffy's catatonic and you're beating up the vampire because he's worried about her and you're jealous. It's not all jealousy though. Buffy is my friend, and the slayer, and I'm not gonna stand here and listen to this undead idiot mouth off about her because he thinks he's in love with her, and knows her so well. He's a vampire. He can't possibly have a thing for the slayer.
Sure, cause that's never happened before. Can you say *Angel*? We all want things that aren't good for us and we shouldn't even contemplate wanting. I think I'm pretty much a case in point. But, he really shouldn't want her. He should want me. I didn't mean that. Well, not much, anyway.
Ouch. At least he can't really fight back. I'd be dead by now.
"Separate." Ow. Willow can though. How the hell did she do that?
"Buffy's out. Glory has Dawn. Sometime real soon, she's gonna use Dawn to tear down the barrier between every dimension there is. So if you two wanna fight, do it after the world ends, okay?" I'm sorry Will. We'll be good. Maybe I'll stay away from Spike. That way I won't be tempted to either hit him or jump his bones. Yeuch. Nasty thought. Honestly, really nasty. That's the only way to describe it. Or at least the only way I'm prepared to admit to thinking of it.
"All right. First we head back to Sunnydale. Xander'll take Giles to a hospital. Anya's looking after Tara. And Spike, you find Glory. Check her apartment, see if she's still there. Try anything stupid, like payback, and I will get Very Cranky. Everyone clear?" Crystal. If there's one thing I've learnt, it's not to piss Willow off when she has her resolve face on.
"Anya." Clearly, Anya, in her two years as human, hasn't learnt that, and is going to ask a pointless question instead of just shutting up. Why can't she just be quiet like any sane…I really answered my own question there, didn't I?
"Um ... w-what will you do?" To be fair, it's actually a reasonable question, but my girlfriend is a braver woman than I am. Person, I mean, because I'm perfectly aware that I'm not a woman. My insanity has not yet reached such a low point as gender confusion. At the moment we're more stuck on gender orientation as an issue. Although not so much, because I'm perfectly clear in my own mind. I am not gay, or even bi. Most of the time. Aargh. Stop thinking.
"I'll help Buffy." At least Willow sounds like she's a girl with a plan. Gotta love that. Especially when the rest of us are either injured, dead or insane. Primarily the latter. Buffy's catatonic, Anya's asking the powerful witch pointless questions, and I can't decide whether I want to sleep with the evil male vampire who hates me, or ask my beautiful, quirky, devoted girlfriend to marry me. Issues much? I'm definitely carrying a banner in the mental breakdown section of the Slayerette March.
"Okay then." Second that total agreement with whatever Willow says. Anya's obviously got the right idea.
"The world is spinning." And there I thought it was just my head. Tara may be crazy at the moment, but I kinda agree with that sentiment.
"Straight to a new day! Big day. Big, big day." Sure thing Tara, the biggest day ever. Slayers vacating their bodies, abductions by hell gods, the whole shebang. Not to mention the internal battle I'm having with my own well-established sense of heterosexuality. And I will win that one. I do not, on any level that is my normal, relatively sane self, want the evil undead man in my bed. Really, truly and honestly I don't. Besides, there are far bigger things to worry about right now. Dawn, Buffy, Giles. None of them would be too impressed to learn that while their lives and loved ones are in danger I'm contemplating boinking the undead. Not that he would, even if I wanted to. I'm totally aware of that little obstacle. And glad of its existence. Mostly.
"Uh ... Will?" And thinking of Spike, there's yet another person, or vamp, who's braver than me on the pissing off the witch front. I'd be worried about getting thrown across the room again. Hell, I *am* worried about it.
"Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but ... what if we come across Ben?" Horny. Did he say horny? Oh, right, horned. That makes more sense. Although it might be less fun. And once more with the inappropriate humour. I have to stop that. Focus on the world outside my screwed up little head. Huh? What the hell's Ben got to do with this anyway?
"I-I don't think a doctor's what Buffy needs right now."
"Well, yeah, especially not one who also happens to be Glory." And again, I say huh?
"What do you mean?" Oh my God, something non pop-culture-y that Giles doesn't understand. There must be something far worse than an apocalypse going on, because I never saw anything like that, and I've seen my share of apocalypses. Or I would have done, if Buffy hadn't prevented them all.
"You know. Ben is Glory." What did he say? Something about Ben and Glory? Doctor Ben? And Glory the Hell God?
"You mean ... Ben's with Glory?" I don't understand. How can they possibly have anything to do with each other?
""With" in what sense?" Does he mean they're a couple? No, that wouldn't make sense. Why would the god be dating an almost doctor?
"They're working together?" Way to go, Ahn. That probably makes slightly more sense.
"No. No. Ben is Glory. Glory's Ben. They're one and the same." And once more, a hearty huh? I'm still not getting it. Ben and Glory are together?
"When did all this happen?" Was I having totally inappropriate fantasies about Spike and missed it. Hey, I may be insane, but at least I'm man enough to acknowledge it, and admit that I might have been distracted. It is only fantasies though. Not something I'd ever want to act on. Truly it's not.
"Not one hour ago! Right here, before your very eyes! Ben came, he turned into Glory, snatched the kid, and pfft! Vanished, remember?" Every time Spike speaks, I have real problems understanding what he's talking about. Much as it worries me to admit it, that's a new development. Generally, I understand the I mean, sure, sometimes I stop listening so I can just watch his mouth, and those amazing lips, while he talks, and forget to pay attention, but this is different. It's like I don't understand the words he's saying
"You do remember...? Is everyone here very stoned?" Nope, but I'm starting to think Spike is. He's pretty cute when he frowns like that too. No Xander, focus. Spike is definitely not cute. He's a killer. Although currently he's on our side. Also, he's trying to tell us something, and I think it might be important.
"Ben! Glory! He's a doctor, she's the beast. Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. Like a bloody sitcom. Surely you remember." Ben and Glory, right. I remember. Something. I remember something about them, together.
"So you're saying ... Ben and Glory…" Dammit, what was I going to say? My brain is totally scrambled by this whole thing. Not that all the Spike related sex-thoughts didn't already give that little fact away.
"Have a connection." Yes, that was it. Anya remembers something too.
"Yes, obviously, but what kind?" Good question Giles. I am so confused. This conversation is making no sense. Not that that's a new experience, but still…
"Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune." Huh? What did Spike say?
"So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?" Willow sounds as clueless as me. That's definitely new.
Oh, wait, I get it "Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory." Right, that makes sense. In a Hellmouthy kind of way.
"And anyone who sees it instantly forgets." Anya's got it too.
"Kewpie doll for the lady." Spike sounds relieved. Wonder what that's all about.
"Excellent." You got it, G-Man. We're all working from the same page now.
" Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?" I guess that's possible. Wonder if Spike knows anything. What. What was that sigh for. Spike looks pretty sweet when he's pissed off. Gah. I did not just think that. I have to stop thinking things like that. Lets get on with the Slayerette stuff, before my brain explodes.
TBC
