Chapter 8
Oh god. I can't believe I did that. We had sex in Giles' basement. Well, the Magic shop, but it is Giles' all the same. I was gonna break up with Anya, I really was, but then she was so scared, I couldn't do it. And any time we try to have a serious talk, it ends in sex. Still, at least no one's seen us.
"Any luck? Have you found the Dagon sphere?" Gah. Please don't come down here, Giles. Please.
"Um, I'm sure it's here, just be a minute!" Cause it's taken us twenty minutes to only look in part of the basement. Yeah. He's gonna believe that.
"Yeah, we're on it! Let's look over here, where we didn't look yet." Why the hell did I do that? This was not supposed to happen. I can't break up with her now. Not after we just…in Giles' basement. She'll kill me. And with a girlfriend who spent a thousand years avenging the wrongs done to women, that's not just an idle fear. Not to worry. We'll just get through tonight, then I'll sit down and have a nice civilised chat with her. I'll tell her the truth. It's not her. It's me. I'm not ready for a relationship. There isn't anyone else. I just don't want to be with anybody right now.
What? You thought I was gonna tell her the *actual* truth? Yeah, right. 'Anya, hon, the real reason I don't want to be with you any more is that I've decided I'm gay. And I like Spike. The last few times we've had sex, I've been thinking about him. I want to break up because you're not an evil, blond vampire…*male vampire*…and that's what I really want.' Yeah sure. I like my body parts where they are thank you very much. And if I can spend so much time denying all that to myself, I'm sure as hell not gonna tell it to Anya. I'm insane, not suicidal. My life may be screwed up, but I don't have the sort of death wish that includes being tortured in some unspeakable way by a demon with a millennium of experience wreaking terrible vengeance on unfaithful men. Anyway, gonna finish getting dressed before I do anything.
"Time is a factor." Of course it is, Giles. Have you noticed that, despite all those ancient prophecies and scrolls, we never get advance warning on the need for world saveage? No one ever says, in 2008 there's gonna be a giant demon trying to open a Hellmouth in Cleveland. Can you start planning his defeat now, please? It's always, 'and by the way, the world's gonna end tomorrow unless you can find an amulet that's been lost for six hundred years and assemble an army of hundreds to fight said demon guy.'
"Yes. Yes. Not to worry." Okay, Anya, no worrying. We won't worry about the end of the world. We won't worry about finding the Dagon Sphere. And, most of all, we won't worry about breaking up, because I don't have the courage, or possibly the lack of common sense to do it. No, I know I have necessary shortage of common sense. I want to make out with the evil vampire, for god sake. No sense here at all. Obviously I'm just a coward. So Anya and me'll just have pre-battle sex, and pretend everything is one hundred percent fine.
"So, are you more, uh ... Relaxed?" I mean, that whole Giles' basement thing was stupid, but the actual 'smooshing' was good. I hope Anya feels better for it.
"No." Huh? I just did the sympathy sex and she didn't even enjoy it? That can't be right. Can it?
"No? I mean, it sounded like you, uh ... Arrived." Don't tell me she faked it? That means she could have been faking it all along. That's embarrassing. And if I can't even please Anya, who's only ever been with me in the last thousand years, what the hell would I be able to do for Spike. I mean, he's a vampire. He's got to have loads of experience. I bet him and Angel…no, don't think about that. Not now. There's no time for that kind of fantasy. Not that that is a fantasy of mine. Not Deadboy. No way. But anyway, Anya. I was sure she…you know.
"No." Dammit. That's not good. "Yes. Um, I had the pleasure moment, and the blissful calm that comes right after it." Oh thank God for that. "But that only lasted a couple of seconds, and now I'm terrified again." But at least she enjoyed it. That's what matters. Or possibly not, given the whole world-ending fear. Could be slightly more important.
"Well, you don't have to be." Sure. I can't even convince myself of that. How am I supposed to convince her?
"Gah!" Okay, now I'm terrified. What the hell? Oh right. It's Buffy. Not real Buffy, obviously. Robot Buffy. Not that scary really.
"What?"
"Spike's sex-bot. Why didn't they just melt it down into scrap?" Cause then it wouldn't be there, looking at me, reminding me of that night. Seeing her - it - and Spike. That's the night Buffy said something about me having sex with Spike. If it wasn't for this stupid robot, I wouldn't be here now, having lusty wrong thought about Spike and trying to figure out a safe way to break up with my ex vengeance demon girlfriend.
"Maybe Willow wanted it." What? That's more disgusting than Spike using it. Or me. Me using *it*, I mean, not Spike using me. Cause I wouldn't let him.
"I don't think Willow feels that way about, about Buffy. I mean, I know she's gone through a lot of changes, but-" That would just be horrible.
"To study it." Oh, right. Willow as study girl, not Willow as lesbian. That makes more sense. And is way less icky.
"Right. Robotics. Science." Now I'm a little less disturbed. Not such scary thoughts. What's also scary is that Anya knew what I was thinking. Hope she doesn't usually. Not with the sort of thoughts I've been having recently.
"Pervert." Okay, maybe she can. Or it's possible she's still talking about the Buffy-bot and Willow thing. More likely, I suppose, what with the whole me still being alive and in one piece thing. And also, hey. Who is *she* calling pervert.
"Other pervert." I think that's fair, given that she was obviously thinking the same thing.
"And don't frighten me like tha-aah!" Aaargh. Now what? Isn't today bad enough without a basement full of…rabbits? She's screaming about bloody bunnies. And now I'm channelling my inner Spike again. Great
"God, who, who would put something like that there? Is this supposed to be some sort of sick joke?" Stupid bunny fear. Not really enough to give me a heart attack over. We need to get out of this basement before I do something stupid.
"I mean, things aren't bad enough! This is an omen." I don't think, given how bad this situation is, that we need any omens. Or any panic. Better try and calm her down.
"Hey, hey, shh" Yeah, that ought to do it.
"No, no, it's an omen. It's a higher power, trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all gonna die. Oh god." Or perhaps not. But I refuse to see rabbits as bad omens. There are too many genuinely bad, bad omens to give fluffy bunnies a look in.
"No it's not." That ought to work. Just tell her she's wrong.
"It's okay." Gee, I'm really doing my stuff with the comfort today. Wonder how many more pointless platitudes I can come up with. Not that they seem to be working.
"No, you see, usually when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god ... and worry terribly that something might happen to you. And also worry that something'll happen to me. And then I have guilt that I'm not more worried about everyone else, but I just don't have enough! I'm just on total overload, and I honestly don't think that I could be more nervous than I am right now." Oh great. Now I have guilt that Anya has guilt. What can I do to make this right? Wait, what's this in my pocket?
"Care to wager on that?" Oh god. What am I doing? This is not a good idea. In fact, this idea sucks.
"Anya ... you wanna marry me?" Oh shit. I said it. Oh god. I'm such an idiot. I know, like that's news. Maybe she'll say no. Ouch.
"Can I take that as a "maybe"?" Or maybe she'll hit me. I know I didn't exactly think this through, given that I was gonna break up with her, not ask her to marry me, but even when I wanted to marry her and was scared of asking, I never thought she'd hit me.
"You're proposing to me!" Please don't remind me.
"Yes…" What else would I be doing? With the ring and all? Discussing demon-killing tactics? Okay, so that's a real possibility, but still, it was a stupid question.
"You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And you think it's romantic and sexy and, and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end!" No. I'm proposing to you because I'm a crazy lunatic who just had sex with you instead of getting up the courage to break it off, and who felt guilty because you love me and you're here facing the apocalypse with me and all I want to do is find Spike and spend what is possibly the last night of my life experiencing whole new horizons of male on male action. But I might not tell you that.
"I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not." Okay, that sounded better. Although, even though I think we could fight Glory and win, the world as I know it has pretty much already ended, what with the admitting I like Spike - only to myself of course - and the proposing to my girlfriend, who I no longer want to marry.
"You can't know that." What? That I don't want to marry her. Unfortunately, I really do. I know I want Spike, and that scares me, but I don't want to marry Anya. Is that really what she meant? Oh, she's talking about the world not ending. I guess she's right. I don't know that. But I can hope, right? Maybe I'll get through tonight, Anya will decide she doesn't want to have orgasms with me anymore, and Spike will declare his undying lust for me. What. It could happen. In the world without shrimp, or another one of those alternative universes! Probably not in my world though, cause how often do things go the way I want them to? In this one, I've just proposed to Anya, and I've got to figure out a way to deal with that without one or both of us getting seriously hurt.
"I believe it. I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long ... and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around." Oh, my subconscious is good at this. It's kinda nice how I can think one thing and say something else completely without, well, thinking about it. Although, the whole proposal thing suggests it could also get me into a world of trouble.
"Oh. Okay." Like, for example.
"Okay?" Please let that not be a yes. Let it be an 'okay, you're clearly crazy and I'm not gonna hold you to this' okay.
"Yes. I mean, yes." Oh boy. Okay, smile. Pretend this is a good thing. Maybe she'll change her mind.
"No." Oh thank you god. But why?
"No?" She really doesn't want to. That hurts. I mean, it's a good thing, but it hurts all the same.
"After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end." Oh damn. She means yes. How do I get myself into these messes? Now, I don't just have to break up with the vengeance demon, I have to break off our engagement. That's such an improvement, I don't think. Oh well, I suppose I can worry about how to sort out my life without dying if I get through tonight without, well, dying.
TBC
