Chapter 9
Okay, so on a scale of one to disastrous, this day probably couldn't get a lot worse. I've accidentally asked my soon to be ex girlfriend to marry me, possibly earning myself a hugely painful retribution when I try to take the proposal back. One half of our witchy duo is pretty much out of this world. In an 'on another astral plane' way, not a fantastically wonderful way. Well, I mean, she is fantastic. Not saying Tara's not great. She's just a little spaced at the moment. Which is bad. Obviously.
Sorry, Willow style babble occurring. Where was I? Oh yes, disasters of today. All the things I just said, and now we have to go rescue Dawn from the psycho fashion victim hell god who wants to use her to open a door to hell. I love my life. And I've just totally jinxed us by saying today couldn't get any worse. I have to stop doing that. On the bright side, we found the glowy dragon thing, and another potentially useful secret weapon to run by Buffy.
"Buffy." Giles is gonna try and steal my thunder by telling her about it himself. Maybe he's trying to make up for telling her she has to kill her baby sister. Not gonna work, I'm thinking. Not a whole lot he could say to help her get over *that* little misdemeanour. Anyway, new weapon found for the battle with Glory, Ben, whoever she, or he, is.
Okay, so here's how it works. We take the Buffy bot with us. She - it - fights Glory while we rescue Dawnie. Problem solved. Though it's probably not gonna be quite that easy. In my life long experience of trying to save the world, these things never are. Take Adam. Handy little spell. Unite our essences. In a non-sticky kind of way. Have the power to kill the demon robot man. Don't find out till later that pleasant little side-effect where the First Slayer appears in our dreams and tries to kill us all. No big deal, right? So, clearly, there's gonna be a catch. Not sure what it is yet, but I really could wait forever to find out. Don't think that's really an option. Although it's possible I'll have to wait till the end of the world, given that that may well be tonight.
Still, as a secret weapon, it's an improvement on what we had before, namely a certain sexy undead guy prepared to save the world for the slayer. Sometimes I really hate her. I mean, what does she have that I haven't. Okay, apart from super slayer powers, an amazing body and, lets not forget, breasts. Not that I want them exactly, but for attracting Spike, probably fairly useful. I've never seen him sniffing around other guys the way he does with Buffy. And now is probably not the time to be thinking about this. I'll think about helping Buffy save the world - again - instead.
"No. No, no, that's good. That could be pivotal. Thank you guys." You're welcome, Buff. It was a handy distraction, finding that. Although it probably indirectly caused me to ask my girlfriend to marry me, instead of breaking up with her. When she wreaks her fiery vengeance, and I'm totally disfigured, don't feel you have to hold yourself responsible. It's not your fault I'm insane.
Unpleasant and unwanted thought occurring. If I break up with Anya and she turns to demon-style vengeance, I may lose certain essential parts, and even if Spike did want to, you know, I wouldn't be able to. Oh that's just fantastic. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Even if Spike did, in some strange alterna-world, have the remotest interest in me, I wouldn't get the chance to do anything about it. That sucks. Unlike Spike, who unfortunately for me, won't get the opportunity. Aaargh. Enough with the sucking thoughts. They're really not helping me to stay calm and collected. Focus on the world saving. Anya is not a demon any more, and you're not gonna break up with her tonight anyway, so slightly more important things going on.
"Well, um, you're gonna need some-" Prozac? Therapy? Oh right, Giles is talking to Buffy, not me.
"Way ahead of you. We have time?" Time for what. What'd I miss?
"Yes, if you hurry." What is she going to do? Oh, right, more clothes for the Buffy bot. I remember something about that. In between the panic-driven marriage proposal and the Spike sucking thoughts. Gah. Spike sucking me. Not thinking about that, remember, cause of the need to concentrate on bigger things. More important, I mean, not bigger. Whoa, down boy. Now is not the time. At least Spike won't know what I'm thinking if I can just stay calm
"Okay. I'll grab some weapons too." Oh god, Spike's here, near me. Deep breaths. Please let him not be able to tell what I'm thinking, or how turned on I'm getting. No, don't think about him. Think about weapons. Something long and pointy. Okay, so not helping. Weapons, fighting. No sex. Sex is not the issue.
"I'm looking for something in a broadsword." Good, you want a weapon. That was a normal, sensible thing to say. Well done, me.
"Don't be swingin' that thing near me." Oh great, Spike doesn't even trust me with a sword. Not exactly foundations for future bliss.
"Hey, I happen to be-" Totally in lust with you. Have sex with me now. Please
"A glorified bricklayer?" Hey, that hurts. I'll show him I'm not as lame as he thinks. What else do I do? Oh…
"I'm also a swell bowler." Yeah, that'll do it. Spike'll think I'm the ultimate in cool now, I don't think.
"Has his own shoes." Anya, not helping here. Please shut up.
"The gods themselves do tremble." Yeah, I really impressed him then. I need help. I can't believe I standing here worrying about what the evil undead guy thinks of my coolness factor. Maybe I can redeem myself while we're waiting for Buffy to get back. Less competition if he's not ogling her.
"Spike, shut your mouth, come with me." Or maybe she'll take him with her and I can sit here and be jealous. That works too. Why is she taking him? She's going to change her clothes. She really better not need Spike for that. Or I'll want to know why. If he's gonna be involved in anyone's undressing it should be mine. Okay, so I'll just sit here and fester until they get back. Fine.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God, how long does it take to collect a couple of axes and change your clothes? I bet they're…no…that's crazy talk. Or crazy *thought*, even. Buffy would never…Not with Spike. She wouldn't, right? I mean, he's a vampire. But of course, she likes that. But Angel had a soul. Spike's just on an electronic leash. He's still evil. I can't believe Buffy would do something like that.
Okay, calm down. This is total insanity. Buffy is not having sex with Spike while her sister is kidnapped and needs rescuing. I am the only person here who would be stupid enough to do that. Given the opportunity. Which, of course, I won't be. But where are they? I wish they'd hurry. Anya keeps smiling at me like she wants to sneak off and have sex again, and I think one stupid mistake a day is quite enough. If we did that again, I'd probably suggest that we should have a baby. Or a whole Little League team full. No thank you.
And another thing. Who am I kidding, one stupid thing a day? Don't I wish. I always do several stupid things a day. Take today. Lusted after Spike. Proposed to Anya. Fantasised about Spike. Didn't realise that Glory and Ben were the same person - although, I'm not alone in that one. Dreamt about energetic naked games with Spike. Okay, so you're getting the picture? Many stupid things. And also, I'm sensing a theme. And I really don't want to think about that now. Where the hell is he. They, I mean.
Oh, thank God. They're here. No Spike and Buffy sex happening. Unless it was really quick. Gah. Enough.
"We on schedule?" Right on target. Headed for total meltdown in about ten minutes. Oh, right, she probably meant the Dawn thing, rather than my head. Oh well.
"Yes, it's time." And here comes the fear. This averting the apocalypse gig never gets any less scary.
"Will?" I hope this works. I feel kind of nasty using Tara this way when she's all sick and everything, but we have to get the Dawnster back.
"Tara, baby? Is there somewhere you should be?" Like in hospital, for example, rather than leading us into battle.
"They held me down." Wish Spike would hold me down. And ravish me. Right here, right now. Yeurgh. No I don't. I really don't. As mistakes go, that would be right up there with, well, with having sex with Spike at all. Only more major, because it'd be in full view of all my friends. And my girlfriend. Looks like my brain has stopped trying to protect me from myself. I'd better be really careful what I say now. Although, with a bit of luck, the world ending might distract them. Or maybe not.
"No one's holding you. It's the big day, right?" Shit, big day. God fighting about to occur. No kinky Spike thoughts now. I need to focus. And also, if I started making out with Spike now, Buffy and Willow might get a little distracted. And they really need to focus, being the big guns and all. What the hell. I'm talking like this is something that could actually happen. Spike is in some freaky place where he thinks he loves Buffy. And he thinks I'm a glorified bricklayer. Clearly, no wild passionate sex is ever going to happen. And most especially not in front of my friends.
"Do you wanna go?" Nope, I wanna stay right here with Spike. And it's possible she was talking to Tara and not me. Man, this is really getting to me. When did I turn into the sort of jerk that would rather stay behind and get groiny with the soulless undead than go help save Dawnie from a hell god? I am sick and evil, no doubt about it. I deserve pretty much anything Anya tries to do to me when I break it off with her. Which I will. Eventually. When I'm not quite such a coward.
Oh, there goes Tara. Looks like we're off to save the world again. Good. I could do with the mind numbing terror that goes with that. It'll be a pleasant change from the earth-shattering trauma of realising that I'm fantasising about the bleached wonder. What in God's name happened to me?
"You're a killer. This is all set down." Huh? Tara is talking to Giles? Spike, that I could understand. Why am I even trying to make sense of this? Tara at the moment is almost as crazy as I am. Not, quite, because I'm fairly certain that she's not currently thinking about how hot Spike looks when he does that puzzled little frown. It's actually kind of cute. And with that insanity confirming thought, enough, no more thinking. Tara's gone, and we're gonna follow.
"Stay close but don't crowd her. We'll follow in a minute." Willow's off to keep an eye on Tara. Poor Wills. I hope this spell she's been working on does some good. How awful if we can't fix Tara. Willow really needs her back. Okay, looks like Buffy's gonna do the pre-battle speech now. This should be good.
"Everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn." Or maybe not. Wow. This is it. And that's the speech, that's supposed to inspire us to go off and save the world. Well, considering that either we save it quickly or Buffy kills us all, I'm inspired. In a really disturbing way.
"Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?" The what? Sometimes I forget that Spike is actually over a hundred years old. Then he says something that I just don't get. And I remember how old he is. How different he is. How stupid I am to want him. Though, I suppose, he could be my sugar daddy. Oh and that's a not at all freakish thought. Shutting up now. Going to fight.
"We few…we happy few." I'm guessing that means Giles understands it. Course he does. He's book guy. And also, older. Though not quite as old as Spike. Wonder what it's like to live that long. Maybe Spike would turn me. Gyah. Oh my God, that is it. No more. Did not just think that. There will be no turning. I may have occasional, okay, constant, lusty thoughts about a vampire, but by all that's unholy, I do not want to be one. Ever. Right. Glad that's settled.
"We band of buggered." Did he say something about buggering? Spike and buggering in the same thought. There's an image. One that I am not going to think about now. We're gonna go fight now. I'll think about that later. If we survive. Just once, I'll let myself think about it. As a reward for not dying. Or something like that.
Okay, we're actually moving now. Tara does seem to look like she knows where she's headed, which is good. But also worrying. What did Glory do to her brain to make her know that? The faint chill of terror is starting to get even colder now. Like we could walk around the corner and see something…Oh my god.
"Shpadoinkle." And I say to myself, what? First of all, Shpadoinkle. What the hell does that mean. Second of all-
"What is that?" Thank you Anya. You took the words right out of my mouth.
"The portal must open up there." Ya think, Giles? There I was, thinking the Sunnydale City Council had gone in for a new style of modern art.
"Will, you're up." Oh, boy. I know how much Willow loves being key girl. In a totally different way to Dawn, obviously. She must really be shitting it right now. We all know she can do it. I just wish she had the same kind of confidence.
"Need anything?" How's about another three weeks to prepare for this. That might give Wills chance to psyche herself up. Or it might give her time to stew so much she decided she really couldn't do this.
"Could use a little courage." You and me both, Willow. Not sure right now whether I'm most scared about facing off against Glory or the fact that I really have to face up to Anya after. I know she's not actually a vengeance demon right now, but I'm sure she could figure out a way to get her powers back if she really wanted to. And I'm fairly sure that I'm gonna giver her a pretty good reason. Even without mentioning the identity of the new object of my affections. Well, fantasies. Wouldn't go so far as affections. Not yet. Okay, not helping here. Need to give Willow courage.
"The real kind." What? Oh right, she's rejecting Spike's flask, not my inner babble. I guess she's probably powerful enough to read my mind if she wanted. Okay, I *really* have to stop thinking about this, or about Spike at all. Ideally ever. But that's probably not gonna happen.
"But thanks." See. She can be nice to Spike. That's good, right? It means that if, by some freak of luck, I ever, well, got involved with him, she might not stake him straight away. Right? Oh hell, who am I kidding? He's a vampire. He's evil and unsouled. She's just being polite. That's Wills. It doesn't mean she'd be all open-minded acceptance girl if I told her I wanted to shag him. And now
I'm sounding like him again. Great. Okay, no more Spike thoughts. There's a battle to have first. Lets do this.
TBC
