Denial Land is a Nice Place to be

Chapter 10

And we're fighting. Well, they're fighting. I'm just sitting here waiting for my key moment, well away from the actual hand-to-hand. Even Anya is handier with a baseball bat than I am. Guess all those years of fiery vengeance give you a yen for violence. And the ability to wreak it. It's not that I'm clumsy. Well, actually, it kinda is that I'm clumsy, but it's more that I just don't like to hurt things. Even things I know are deserving of the pain.

Like, for example, Spike. I know he's evil, and if he didn't have the chip he'd probably kill us all in an instant, whatever he says about loving Buffy. It's just; I don't think I could bring myself to hurt him. And not just because of the lust thing that's clouding my judgement at the moment. He's, maybe not a friend, cause, hello, evil vampire, but someone who's helped us, who's slept in my bedroom, though unfortunately not in my bed. How could I kill him? How could any of us?

And all of a sudden I'm feeling guilty. I was such a jerk towards Buffy about the Angel/Angelus thing. I guess I never realised how hard that must have been. I mean, I thought I did, but at the same time, I thought it was easy. He's evil; therefore he must be killed, no matter how nice he was before. I should probably apologise. Although, how do I do that without explaining that my epiphany-thingy was kind of the result of some totally inappropriate thoughts about the latest non person-killing vamp to drop into our oh-so normal lives?

Maybe I'll just be especially nice to her, without explaining why. That way I can get rid of some of my newly developed guilt without risking her going all psycho-slayer on me. She might try to kill Spike. Or me. Or, worse, she might laugh. I did, when she told me Spike liked her. It's not like she owes me any sympathy. More like a whole lot of mocking. And I deserve it a whole lot more than she did, because of the whole, I like Spike, rather than Spike likes me. Which bothers me more than I'd like. I really have to get over this. And soon. I could handle the gay thing. And I could probably deal the vampire thing. Maybe. I just really don't want to have to handle them both in one well-wrapped package. Except of course, that I'd love to handle Spike. Just in a more hands-on kind of way.

Gah. Enough. I'm supposed to be doing Angel style brooding about how awful I've been to Buffy, not thinking sex-thoughts about the undead punk wannabe over there. And, thought occurring. I'm not really supposed to be doing either. I'm supposed to be paying attention to the big battle and getting ready for my moment of glory. Pun absolutely not intended. Sorry. And who the hell am I apologising to? My subconscious? This talking to myself thing is becoming too much of a habit. Okay, focus. I really have to learn not to zone out when we're fighting a god.

Nope, think I'm okay for now. Not time to rev up this baby yet. I'll just sit and watch Spike fight, instead. He really is amazing when he fights. Although, gotta admit, wouldn't want to be fighting against him anymore. Even if I didn't have the warm and fuzzies. He's pretty brutal, and I'm not exactly kick-ass martial arts guy. So, watching is good. Very good. And I am totally not drooling. At all. I am focussed on the fight, not the amazingly sexy ass of that blond vampire.

Oh, Buffy and Glory. Is now the time to make my move? No. Shit, that's Dawn screaming. Oh God. I forgot for a minute what we were doing here. I really have to sort my sick head out. I'm gonna stop thinking about Spike and start thinking about Dawn instead. Although not in the same way, of course, cause, really not that sick. Gyah. Evil thoughts. Please stop.

C'mon Buffy, get up that tower, get Dawn, then we can all go home and I can break up with Anya and try and figure out a way to get Spike without looking like a total dork and having all my friends despise me. What? It could happen. Stranger things have…probably never happened, but this is Sunnydale, we specialise in strange. Where's Buffy now? Oh shit, Glory's there too. Okay, fighting on a tower, really not safe. Someone might…

Fall. Okay, maybe now is time for me to spring into action.

"You lost your hammer, sweet cheeks. What are you gonna hit me with now?" Oh you had to ask, lady, now you're gonna find out. Move that lever and…kaboom. Oh yes, that was good. So much fun.

"Whatever's handy." And yet still Buffy manages to take credit. Okay, it was partly her idea, but I pulled it off. "The glorified bricklayer picks up a spare." So there, stick that in your pipe and smoke it oh bleached one. Okay, I should probably go and help with the fight now. The guys seem to have gone into hiding, and thoughts about Spike sticking things anywhere, really not helping my inner calm.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"How we doing?" Real good, I'll bet. Dawnie is still at the top of the tower, and said tower is surrounded by hordes of brain-sucked acolytes. Whatever an acolyte is. Must have got that from Giles.

"So far it's a tie." A what? Not sure this is the sort of game where you can have a tie.

"We haven't got up to Dawn, but then neither has anyone else." Okay, I guess 'tie' makes sense in an Anyaish sort of way. Although usually she only talks about tying in the bedroom. And I am really not gonna start thinking about being tied up by Spike. Not now.

"Someone's up there." Especially not when he's quite so close to me. I'm still a bit worried about the idea that his vamp senses might be able to tell if I'm getting hot under the collar. Although, bright side, he might get off on the fact that I'm sick enough to be turned on at a time like this. And when the hell did I become so totally disturbed that that could be a bright side. Okay, he spoke. Up where? Oh, right, Dawnie. Tower. See, I'm remembering, playing my important part in keeping the world safe for humanity. Really.

"Okay, we gotta charge or something." Yeah, that sounds like a plan. There's like hundreds of them, and four of us. Who would have such a crazy idea? Oh, right, I said that. Guess my subconscious is doing that straight to speech, do not pass brain thing again.

"We tried that." Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought I was actually gonna have to do the brave but powerless dive into the fray thing that I seem to be making a very dangerous habit of. I'm really much more of a coward than people think, and so glad they can't tell what I'm thinking at times like this.

"Yeah, loud and clear." What? Was he talking to me? No, that wouldn't make sense, and he can't really read my mind. Right? Please god, don't let Spike be telepathic. I was thinking I might start with just being a little bit politer than usual to him, not leap straight to him knowing exactly what fantasy about him I'm having at any given moment in time. I mean that makes sense, doesn't it?

"Yeah, can't tell who." Unlike that. What the hell is he on? I mean, I know what, well, who, I'd like him to be on, but I'm not thinking about that now and what is he talking about?

"Are you talking to us?" Or are you about to join the ranks of the crazies guarding the tower. Inquiring minds wanna know whether to panic or not.

"Yeah, but-" But what? Okay, this is freaking me out now. Where's he going? I didn't think he was actually gonna go and join them. We need him. I need him.

Wow. That was like the parting of the Red Sea, or something. Will and Tara must be on the magic train again. Does that mean he was talking to Willow? Does that mean she can read minds. Or he can. Oh god. *Now* I'm panicking. Cause, you know, being outed and in lust with a vampire, way more scary consequences than a fight to the death with a blonde curly hell god.

Oh, God, where the hell is Spike? Wish I could see what was going on up there. Was there someone else up there? Who, though? Glory is still fighting with Buffy. Well, at this point, being repeatedly bludgeoned with a troll's hammer, but as it's the hell-bitch on the receiving end, it's the sort of fight I like. Maybe when Buffy's done with her, she'll look as bad as Spike did when she'd finished torturing him. I didn't even think vampires could bruise, but that was brutal.

Is that something, someone falling? Spike. It's Spike. Shit. He's gonna die. No. Vampire. He can't die from falling. Unless he gets decapitated, or lands on a large stake. Oh god. If he's down here, someone else is up there with Dawnie. We have to do something. Us, with all our lack of powers. Me, Giles and Anya. Not magic, not dead, not slayers. What the hell are we supposed to do?

Okay, Glory's down and Buffy's on her way up. Good, that's good, she'll get Dawnie this time, and Glory's still down here, so she hasn't done the ritual thingy. No world ending, right Giles? Huh. Where'd Giles go?

Oh god, Dawn's screaming again. Who is that up there? Falling down from there, in fact. Not Dawn, she's still screaming. Buffy must have made it up there. I should help Spike. Or maybe not. What if I go over there and he's dust. Not that I'd know, cause there's a lot of dust around anyway. God, Buff, hurry up and get down here.

What the hell is that? Oh god. Is that the portal? But how? Glory is here so how can there be a big glowy portal in the sky. Unless, whoever was up there did the ritual. Shit. Dawnie. Oh, I hate this. Especially with the lightning and demony things and hell's about to be on earth. I'm stuck here with Anya, and all I want to do is go find Spike, maybe get a quick kiss before the world ends and I really have to stop. If ever there wasn't a time for this it's now.

"Xander!" What? Oh, lightning. Shit that hurt. Oh god. Anya

"Anya!" Shit. Fuck. Oh god. What happened to her? I can't believe that. I'm busy thinking about Spike and Anya just pretty much saved my life. Please let her be okay. I'm such a jerk.

Holy fuck. Was that a dragon? This is bad. This is the worst ever, and I've seen some pretty awful things. Buffy engaged to Spike right up there among them. No. No more Spike thoughts. Ever. This is just wring. Although, at this rate, ever might not be very long. I have to help Anya, pick her up off the floor.

You know, if this wasn't so awful it'd be beautiful, sun rising and storm raising and all that. Shit. Sun rising. Spike. Oh, no, not caring about Spike. What the hell do we do now? Just wait for it all to happen? I'm guessing painful death is gonna be a theme in my near future. All my future. Where the hell are Buffy and Dawn. It's too bright now to see what's going on up there, with the glowing and the lightning, but I think I can make out some movement.

What the hell. What is it doing? Oh god. It's stopping. Why's it stopping? Did someone save the world? Does that mean Dawnie is dead. No Buffy wouldn't let that happen. So who?

Someone's falling. Oh god, Buffy. No, please, not Buffy. She can't be dead. Right? Shit. It is her. Look at her lying there. She looks so small and fragile. Oh no, God, no, please don't make this be real. The world hasn't ended, so I guess it must be. And Spike looks so broken. He's crying. How could I think he didn't love her? I guess that means he could love me, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter so much now. How can I even think about things like that when Buffy is gone? I can't believe this. How can she be dead? Oh, god Dawnie, poor little Dawn. She needs Buffy. We need Buffy. What are we supposed to do without her?