Denial Land is a Nice Place to be
Epilogue
Dear Buffy,
This seems kind of silly, writing you a letter that you'll never read, but I needed to tell you some things. Things I wish I'd said before.
First of all, sorry. Sorry for not saving you. Sorry for always expecting you to save the world. This time, just like always, you totally came through for us, for the world. God, that sounds schmaltzy. I'm really no good at this letter-writing thing, even if no one is going to read it. Anyway, there's one more thing I need to apologise for, and that's me. I've been, at times, a real jerk. The main thing that bothers me is Angel. You know that I didn't tell you about the soul restoration spell when you had to fight Angelus. We both know that, but never talked about it.
I guess you thought it was better left unsaid. And me, I was so glad you left it alone, I wasn't ever gonna bring it up. Believe though, that I always felt bad. Hard to believe, given my hatred of everything Angel, but I really did. Do. I should have told you. I tried to tell myself that I was doing it for you, that you'd fight better if you didn't have that hope, if you just wanted to finish it. But, I think we both know the truth. I was jealous. Of Angel, of course. He had you. Loved you, and you loved him. And even then, I still wanted you. But also, jealous of you, of what you had. Someone who loved you, no matter what, even though you were the one thing that, as a vampire, he should totally despise, fear or whatever.
I thought, because he was a vampire, he couldn't love you. I was wrong. I know that now. Being a demon doesn't stop you from loving. Spike showed us that. He cried, you know. When you died. It was so hard to watch, because we'd been so cruel, mocking him. And yes, this is me, Xander Harris, demon-hater extraordinaire, feeling guilty about the way I treated a vampire. So I'm sorry. Sorry for lying, even just by omission. And sorry for never letting you just be happy with Angel. I guess, in some ways, that's a good thing, because of the whole curse, turning evil thing, but I also know I didn't help, didn't make your life any easier with the way I was. You should have been able to love him without one of your so-called friends ragging on you for it.
You're probably wondering what's brought on this fit of soul baring. Mostly it's you. Dawn told us, what you said before, you, you know. God, I can't even bring myself to write it. It's still so hard to believe you're gone. So partly, this letter is a thank you. You did something amazing, again, and I feel like this is the least I can do to return the favour, even if it comes a little too late.
That's not the only reason though. Mostly it's because of Spike. He made me realise what a bastard I was. Not just because he loves - loved - you, but also (hanging head in embarrassment) I think I might like him. In a more than just friends kind of way. Not that we are even friends, exactly. When I realised all that, I guess I figured out that things aren't always as black and white as I liked to tell myself. Not all demons are pure evil, just like not all humans are good. I know most people, (mainly Cordy) thought I was just jealous, that I hated Angel because I wanted you, and sure, that was a part of it, but more than that, I hated what he was, thought he was an evil demon, and should die, soul-having at times or not. But I know now that it is never as simple as that.
You'll notice I've brushed over the surface of Spike. That came out very different to how it sounded in my head, and I'm really sorry if I've given you icky thoughts about me and Spike. I really didn't mean to. They're the sort of thoughts that I'm only just getting used to myself. And that's why the brushing. I'm not ready to deal with it. And neither would Spike be. Not now. I realise that when you said to live, this probably wasn't what you meant, and if you were reading this you'd be totally freaking out, but I think this is what I want. Not yet. I do love Anya, and I'm not ready to break up with her anyway, it's too soon, and I don't want to hurt her like that. She saved my life, you know. Also, there is Spike to consider. He pretty much despises me, and I can understand that. He's too broken up about you to even notice anything else except Dawn at the moment.
Despite all this, I've decided that, in time, I'll try to live, try to have what I want, rather than what I think I should have. I'm probably insane, and I'm pretty sure that's what you're thinking. But this is what I want. If Spike doesn't want me, so be it, but I have to try, because I know now that it's right for me. Most of all, this letter is me asking for your blessing. I know you can't give it, but it wouldn't feel right, to go chasing after Spike without apologising to you first for, well, everything. Please, forgive me, and be okay with this, because, once I get up the measly amount of courage I have left, and enough time has passed that thinking about you doesn't hurt either of us so much, I'm gonna do it, and I'd like to do it without thinking that you're out there somewhere disgusted and despising me for my hypocrisy.
For the last time, I'm sorry, thank you, and remember, I love you.
Always, Xander
