Watching Little Birds Fly

Part Two



Author: Megan

Disclaimer: All things 'Once and Again' belong to the creators of the show. I think.

Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com

Archive: http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/megan.htm (My eternal gratitude to Kim for saving my stories from oblivion.)

Summary: Sometimes all you can do, is observe from the sidelines. And hope that the birds don't come crashing down. Sequel to 'Dear Jessie'.

Author's Notes: Continues the story that began in 'Perfect In An Imperfect World'. This chapter intertwines with 'Dear Jessie', and tells things from Katie's pov. Timeline is still... around 'Gardenia'.



***



I'm crouching by a tree, watching how she is slowly moving through the school yard, towards the doors. Lugging that bag of hers with great difficulty. Because it's packed full with every book known to school. One of Jessie's weird quirks. She takes every single book to school with her, cause 'It's too much work, trying to remember which ones I need which day'. I remember, before I knew her, I would watch her from here, and wonder, why it always looked like she was only a step away from collapsing under her load. And now I know. It's not the books, it's her life.

Today her step is a little lighter than usual. Maybe the mother daughter bonding went well beyond good. Her head is scanning the yard, looking for me. I straighten up, and gather my own bag. It's lighter than hers. There's maybe one book in it, I don't remember. I usually keep all my books in the locker. I do a little evasive move, and circle around her back. Jessie's stopped in the middle of the yard, but before I can reach her, she starts moving slowly again. I rush to close the distance between us as stealthily as I can, and then place my hands around her head, covering her eyes, "Guess who?", I say, with a lower than usual voice.

Jessie stops walking, and takes a few seconds, "Come on, Tad", she then says, surprising me. Usually she doesn't bother to play this game, "Katie might see us!"

"Hey!", I say in my normal voice, and remove my hands.

Jessie twirls around, and fakes surprised, "Oh, it's you! How... nice!"

I swat her on the arm, and start to grin. She smiles back, "Why would Katie mind, what you do with Tad?", I say, when we start to move towards the building.

Jessie takes her time again, and then starts talking, "Well, here's the thing. Katie and me are like... an item. But I also have this lewd affair with this Tad guy, who's like Katie's friend and all", she says. I notice a slight blush rise to her cheeks, "And so we have to be extra careful."

"Oh. I see", I reply, when we reach the doors. I push myself through it, and Jessie follows in my wake, "So... what item would you say we are?"

"It's just a saying, Katie", she answers.

"No, Jessie. It WAS just a saying", I say, grinning wickedly at her, "Like in the fifties, I think."

"You are evil!", she says, and laughs a little, "Anyway, I think we are a rainbow."

"Rainbow is not an item, Jessie", I immediately say, and nod, "It's an illusion."

"Fine. You pick then", she says, sounding a little offended.

I don't answer at first. Instead, I look around us. There are lots of people in the hall, in hearing range, and Jessie doesn't seem to mind. Or maybe she hasn't noticed. I know how hard it is sometimes, to care about the surroundings, when I'm with her. A lot of the time, I find that we're just walking around, and I have no idea where we've been. Only that we've reached our destination.

"What? No more clever comments, miss smarty-pants?", she says, when I've been quiet for a good time.

"Oh, right. The item", I say, and turn my mind back on it, "Let's see... something practical, yet sweet..."

"Practical?", Jessie glances at me, with a frown on her face, "You think we're practical?"

"No. I'm the practical part, you're the sweet part", I say and smile at her.

"You practical?", she smiles back, and then turns to look ahead again.

I turn a little, to make room for a guy, who threatens to walk all over me. For a second, I consider letting him have it, but then decide it's not worth, losing this adorable exchange of thoughts with Jessie, over it. Instead, I turn my attention back to my girlfriend, "I'm not?"

Jessie shakes her head a little, when we round the corner, "I don't see practicalism oozing out of you."

"First off", I say, and lift up my index finger, "It's practicality, you of the smaller brain", she turns to look at me with an expression, which is somewhere between outraged and amused, "Second", I lift up another finger, "I KNOW, I'm not a freaking rainbow!"

"Why you being so down on rainbow?", Jessie asks. She sounds like she's a little upset for real this time, "I think rainbow is perfect. It's so pretty. And colorful. There's that treasure at the end of it", she says, and pauses to lean closer to me, "Which could be like our love", she whispers, before pulling away, "And, plus, it only comes out during rain. Which is only like my very favorite weather."

Wow! I had no idea, she'd put so much thought into it. It still bothers me though, "But it's not real, Jessie! We're real", I say and stop walking, when we reach the stairs.

Jessie takes a few more steps, heading past the stairs, before stopping and turning around, "Yeah... and we also are not a thing. We are people", she says and shakes her head, "I thought this was just a game?"

"Yeah", I say, bowing my head, and shaking it slightly, "You're right. I'm being stupid", I say and lift my gaze to look at her again. I give her a reassuring smile, "We can be a rainbow."

"Good", she nods once, and then starts to turn around.

"I thought we were going up?", I ask her, and frown.

"No, I gotta unload these", she says swaying her bag a little, "And then get to math."

Aww!, but we have so much to talk about!, "You didn't tell me, how the little talk with your mom went, yet. Or if it even went", I start to whine.

"It went", she replies and nods again, "We have all day, Katie. It's not even first period yet", but I wanna talk now! Now! Jessie starts to leave again, but then hesitates for a second. She opens her mouth, looks around, and finally whispers barely loud enough for me to hear, "Sarah told her."

Sarah?, "But I thought...", I say and frown, "She figured it out for herself last night?"

"Yeah, that was like the last clue", Jessie says, "But apparently Sarah had pointed her in the right direction."

"I can't believe she'd do that", I mutter absentmindedly. This isn't good. Now I'm gona have to tell Jessie about the whole business with Sarah. It's a wonder she hasn't figured it out already. But maybe it is a good thing after all. We shouldn't have secrets. I just hope she doesn't... what? Dump me because of my past? That's not an option. It can't be.

"Well, she did", Jessie says after a while. There's that pointed look in her eyes, the one she uses, when she's trying to uncover some mystery, "Anyway, I gotta go. See you", she says, and turns to leave.

"Yeah, see you", I call back. Suddenly it's a good thing we have classes to go to. I have to think of the best approach on this particular problem. I start ascending the stairs, still lost in my mind. I'm just gona have to tell her everything. It's the only way, she has to hear it from me. About all these broken hearts, I've left behind. Well, a broken heart. Sarah was the only one, who took it so seriously. The only one I gave enough time to really fall in love with me.

Midway to the second floor, a girl brushes past me from behind, and bumps into me slightly. She doesn't apologize, or stop, just keeps running up the stairs, "Hi Grace!", I call after her.

"Whatever", she mutters, without even looking back.



***



Again I'm sitting, and watching her walk. It's my favorite waste of time. To watch her, see how gracefully she moves. This time she's looking back at me. Sitting on the bleachers. She's walking across the football field, straight towards me. It's lunch hour, and the place is empty. Her eyes are fixed on me, and they're making me a little uncomfortable. Jessie's the only one, who can make me feel uncomfortable, just by looking at me. And she's the only one, who can make me comfortable, just by looking at me.

"Hey", she calls from the ground, and starts climbing up the levels, one by one. I'm sitting at the very top. I wave a hand at her. Jessie smiles back, and brushes a few stray hairs behind her ear, "What happened to you?", she asks, when she reaches the top, and sits down next to me. My head follows her all the way. And her eyes never part mine, "Haven't seen you all day."

"I had stuff to think through", I answer.

"Oh", she stutters, and smiles hesitantly. Before turning to look ahead, across the field.

"You know, Jessie, there are still things you don't know about me", I say, staring at the side of her face.

"You telling me", she says, with a twinge smile, "I still haven't even met your parents."

That's not my fault! Don't you dare pin that one on me!, "Yeah, cause you don't want to!", I reply a little too harshly.

Jessie startles slightly, and glances at me, "It... would feel weird. They knowing about us...", her voice is timid, and she hides her eyes from me, bowing her head down, "Why did you have to tell them?"

"I didn't have to tell them anything, Jessie", I say, and resist the urge to start playing with her hair. Again. Her hair is so soft, silky. And it smells so nice. Like apples, "They know what I am. They know me, Jessie. When I go home, all ecstatic, they know it's because of a girl. And this time it's even more obvious, cause I'm actually in love. For the first time."

She looks at me under her brow. Happily at first, but confusion slowly takes over, "So there has been... others before me?", she asks quietly.

I nod, and keep a serious expression on my face, "Yeah. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

Jessie starts nodding her head, and purses her lips. Still nodding her head, she turns away from me again, "Sarah?", she says, and her whole body tenses up. I can sense it from here, without even touching her. It's gona be a big deal to her. Everything is a big deal to Jessie. I move my hand, and try to brush her arm, "Of course Sarah!", she shouts and jumps on her feet, "God! I must be blind!", she paces a few steps away from me, and then turns around. I just keep looking at her. My heart is pounding, feels like it's gona burst through my chest any second now. I can't take it, if Jessie leaves now, "All this time I've thought she's just a total bitch, and turns out she has every right to hate me", Jessie sneers.

"No Jessie!", I shout, and stand up myself. She takes a step away, "She has every right to hate ME. You haven't done anything wrong", Jessie stares at me for a few seconds. And then turns her eyes past me, when tears start to well up in them.

"It is my fault too", she says, and looks so sad. All I want to do is crush her in a hug, but she'd probably jump down, before let me do that now, "All that time we were fighting over you... I didn't know exactly what we were fighting for, but it felt good. When you chose me, and not her", she says, "I felt good, and she got hurt."

I wait for a while. Wait for her to look at me, but she doesn't, "It was my fault, Jessie. I led her on. I hurt her. Not you."

She opens her mouth, and tilts her head slightly backwards, "Why would you do that?", she asks, confused.

"Because I was stupid. I didn't know", I say. My voice is starting to falter, "She... it... just happened. One minute we were having fun, the next she was in love with me. And I didn't love her back", I can feel my own eyes watering up too. My vision starts to blur. I'm silent for a good ten seconds, before going on, "I never loved her. I've only ever loved you, Jessie", I take a step her way. She doesn't even see it, she's staring at the sky, "I love you, Jessie", I tell her again.

She doesn't answer at first. Just tries to absorb it all. I don't know what's bothering her more, that I could hurt someone, like I hurt Sarah. Or that she isn't my first girlfriend.

"I know you do, Katie", she finally says, "But what if tomorrow you meet someone else?"

"No! You're everything I want from this life", I state as a fact, "But, that doesn't mean there haven't been others before you. Everybody dates in high school, Jessie."

She nods her head. A single tear slides down her face, "Yeah, I'm being stupid. I know. I don't know why I thought, I'd somehow be your first girlfriend", she says. I do, though. It's a romantic notion, to think that we've just breezed through life, confused and alone. And then miraculously everything clicked when we met. And Jessie loves romantic notions. But I've known a long time, that I'm gay. I've dated girls a long time. There is no changing the past.

"Think of it this way", I say quietly, and wipe away the unshed tears from my eyes, "You'll be my last."

"You can't know that, Katie", she says, shaking her head and turning to look at me.

I nod, and take a step closer. She doesn't move away, "I can", I argue. I know how I feel, it's Jessie or no one. I take another step, and still she stands her ground, "Sarah, and the others... they were just distractions. I never wanted anything from them", I say, and raise my hand towards her, "I want something from you."

Another tear escapes her eye, "What?", she asks.

I take the last step, and come to stand only an inch away from her, "Everything", I whisper.

She looks me up and down, releases a desperate sob, and then throws her arms around me and presses her head on my shoulder. I place one of my hands on her back, and bury the other in her hair. Which smells like apples.

"Well, okay", she whimpers, after a time. Quiet sobs still shaking her body, "But you're not getting my cds."

"I can live with that", I reply quietly, and can't help smiling. She's okay with it. With everything. Or if she isn't yet, she will be soon. She won't leave me, even though I've been a bad, bad girl in the past, "So, if you'll just take off your clothes, and hand them over to me, we can get going."

Jessie laughs shortly between the sobs, and pulls me into a tighter hug. But she doesn't talk. I can hear her ragged breathing. I can feel her warm breath on my ear. Tickling, "I'm sorry I'm such a weirdo, Katie", she finally says, "I ALWAYS freak out over the smallest things."

"This isn't small, Jessie", I say. It would be small for some people. But Jessie has every right to be upset, "I should've told you before", shit, I should've told her way before! In a way, I've been leading her on too. Letting her think I'm all that. And none of this.

"It doesn't matter", Jessie says.

She's finally stopped sobbing, and pulls away from the hug. There's a wet smile on her face. I smile back, and sit down. Jessie hesitates a second, but then takes a seat next to me. She starts a futile struggle to dry off her face with her hands. I can't believe there are so many tears in one girl. I can't believe she has to cry so much. But this was the last time I have to hurt her. There are no more secrets. It's a huge load off my back. We're one more step closer to living happily ever after.

"So, how did it go with your mom?", I ask, when enough time has passed, and Sarah is long forgotten.

"My mom...", Jessie says, and lowers her hands down. She turns a happy smile my way, "Is the greatest."



tbc