Watching Little Birds Fly
Part Three
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Once and Again' belong to the creators of the show. I think.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Archive: www.realmoftheshadow.com/megan.htm and the wonderful www.JessieKatie.Com
Summary: Sometimes all you can do, is observe from the sidelines. And hope that the birds don't come crashing down. Sequel to 'Dear Jessie'.
Author's Notes: Continues the story that began in 'Perfect In An Imperfect World'. This chapter intertwines with 'Dear Jessie', and tells things from Katie's pov. Timeline is still... around 'Gardenia'.
***
"I don't understand, why you can't just talk to her?", Jessie asked.
Just like that. I should go and talk to the girl, whose life I've ruined. Sometimes it seems like Jessie's intelligence is highly overrated. She can ask for the hardest things, with the most genuine face.
"Just ask her not to tell anyone", she said.
First of all, I don't have the right to ask her for anything. Least of all favors. I don't even have the right to talk to her. I hurt her. I'm the one, who should be doing favors for her. Starting with staying away, and leaving her alone. Since that is clearly what she wants.
"Where's the harm in that?", Jessie said.
And secondly, what do I care, if Sarah goes around blabbing our secrets for all the world to know? What does Jessie care? And even if she does care, shouldn't she be the one to try and keep that secret then? Instead of begging for my help?
Not that I won't do it. When have I ever denied anything from her? Never. And she knows that. And she grossly misuses her power over me. Not necessarily consciously, but subconsciously she knows I'd do anything for her.
That's why I'm standing here now. Outside the school, in front of Sarah. Even though I have no right to. She glares at me in disdain, and starts to walk away. I take a quick step to cut off her flight, "Sarah, please", I beg.
"Go. Away", she replies sternly, and refuses to look towards me. She makes another attempt to escape, but I stretch out my arm, trying to stop her. It does the trick, and she stops short before I reach her, "Don't touch me!", she cries out, lifting her hands up in protection.
"I just wanna talk to you", I say, shaking my head.
She looks me in the eye for a second, then snorts and lowers her gaze to the ground, "How about, what I want?", she says in a slightly whiny tone.
I've noticed how she's changed. For the worse. During this past month or so. She looks sick. Like a shadow of her old self. And I honestly feel bad for her. It's not just guilt, it's also worry. And pity.
"What do you want, then?", I ask quietly.
She laughs shortly, and shakes her head, "You really have to ask that?", she says.
And I don't. I know, what she wants. I am, what she wants. Or wanted? Still wants, I think, "We could still be friends, Sarah", I offer. And hate myself for it. Friends. For God's sake! What is wrong with me?
"No we can't", she says, finally settling her eyes on me, "I hate you too much now. You have no idea, how much it hurts, just to stand here and listen to your voice."
I have some idea. It's evident in her face. In her eyes. She looks like she's about to break down right here, right now. I half expect her to drop dead on the spot. She doesn't, though. Instead she actually smiles, confusing me at first. Then I realize, she's pleased she's causing me this much anguish. And I'm reminded of Sarah's ugly side. Her twisted need to inflict as much pain as she's feeling herself. And suddenly, I don't feel so bad anymore.
"I'll be quick then", I say, more harshly this time.
She doesn't like my tone, and squints her eyes a little, "You always are", she says, and lets her gaze roam the school yard behind me. And I know she spots Jessie there, when the smirk returns to her face, "Let me guess. Miss Sammler didn't appreciate the little chat I had with her mom?"
"You leave Jessie alone", I say, even more fiercely than I meant to. Sarah is taken aback, and the smirk is gone as fast as it appeared, "In fact, why don't you leave us both alone?", I go on, softening my tone a touch.
Sarah looks warily at me, and then gathers herself. She is, after all, the hurt party here, "Excuse me", she says, "But weren't YOU the one, who started bothering ME?"
"Just...", I say, pausing for a second, "Please, don't tell anyone else. Sarah", I add her name for good measure.
"Is this you asking? Or her?", Sarah says, nodding towards Jessie, who insisted on observing the conversation from afar.
I look over my shoulder, and catch the blonde girl fidgeting uncomfortably on her feet, some twenty yards away, "It's both of us asking", I say, not turning away from my girlfriend.
There's a short silence, and I know I've made a mistake, ignoring Sarah and concentrating on Jessie. Sarah doesn't like to be ignored, "Is that so, Jessie?!", she suddenly yells, loud enough for the blonde to hear. And about a dozen other kids hear her too. When I quickly swing my head around, to look at Sarah again, it's already too late, "You don't want people to know you're gay?!", she yells. I gawk at her in disbelief. I SO didn't expect her to go this far. She can be a bitch, yes, but she is not evil. Wasn't, at least. Maybe she's crossed the line by now.
I shake my head once in disgust, but Sarah only shrugs her shoulders, and gives me a smug look. She doesn't care anymore, what I think about her. Or, if she does, she's doing a great job hiding it.
When I turn around again, Jessie's made her move already. She's striding down the walkway, away from the school, and away from me. Away from everybody. I watch her go for a full second, before running after her. It isn't easy, catching up with her, when she's half running herself.
"Jessie", I yell, still a good distance away. She starts moving even faster. I sprint the last yards separating us, and touch her shoulder with my hand, "Where are you going?", I ask.
"Home", Jessie grumbles, and ignoring the hand, moves on.
I don't let her escape, but keep walking beside her, "It... she...", I try to find words to explain Sarah's behavior. Or not explain it. I try to find words, to make Jessie see, it's not the end of the world, "It's not as bad as you think, Jessie", I finally blurt out.
She glances at me quickly. Her face is falling fast, "It isn't?", she chuckles lightly, and shakes her head, "I'm thinking, everyone will know tomorrow!"
Okay, so it is as bad as she thinks. But it doesn't have to be bad in general. Didn't she tell me just yesterday, that it didn't matter to her anymore, who knew? Or did I just dream that? Wouldn't be the first time. I dream about Jessie every night, "So what, if they know?", I say.
Jessie sneers and stops walking. She turns to look at me, and scoffs, "Oh, I know, you'd like that!", she says in an evil voice, that hurts me, "You probably asked her to yell that to me."
"What?", I say incredulously, "You don't seriously think that, Jessie", I shake my head.
"I don't?", she says, with her eyes bulging out of their sockets, "Funny, how you can read my mind now. And funny, how YOU think, YOU know what's best for me!", she yells the last line.
I hesitate a moment, unsure of, how to continue the conversation, without upsetting her more. And Jessie takes initiative, and starts moving down the street again, "Where are you going?", I ask, annoyed by her behavior, and following a few steps behind.
"I told you already. Home!", she curtly answers.
"We're not gona talk about this?", I ask.
"What's there to talk about?", she says angrily, "Just read my mind, and then decide what to do. Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, could you tell maybe tell me, what I'm thinking?"
Oh, that's mature! I can't believe she's acting like a five-year old. And I can't believe, we're here arguing. Where did that good place, we were in this morning, disappear?, "Jessie...", I say.
"Save it!", she yells.
And we walk quietly to the next street corner, and take a turn to the left, "Jessie", I start again.
***
Half an hour later, we're at the Manning house. Still arguing. About the same stupid stuff. Without having made any progress.
Jessie stops in the driveway, and takes a deep breath, "Look", she says more calmly, "This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere."
I wait silently for a second, trying to calm down myself, "Just... tell me, you don't really think, I told Sarah to yell that on the school yard?"
Jessie bows her head down, "Of course I don't", she says, "But I do know you want people to know."
"Yeah", I admit, "But I would NEVER go against your wish! Don't you know how much I love you?"
That shuts her up. And she looks a little ashamed of herself. Like she should. Yes, things went bad today, but I'm not to blame! I didn't even want to talk to Sarah. Jessie made me. I didn't do anything to deserve such evil accusations. From the girl I love, nonetheless.
"I could never intentionally do anything to hurt you", I say tenderly after a short silence. Hoping that the fight is finally over, and I can hug her to make it all better.
But Jessie isn't done, "But maybe you somehow provoked her, unintentionally..."
"I didn't do anything!", I shout, scaring the bejesus out of her. She startles backwards, with a shocked expression on her face. She looks at me for a second, and then turns to go inside, "What? You're walking away again?"
Jessie doesn't answer anything, so I just follow behind her. No matter how angry I am at her now, I won't let her go. Not before we make up. Jessie flies over to the house, and rips open the door. I'm right behind, and actually bump into her, when she suddenly stops in her tracks, once inside. The hallway is packed. With Grace, and her mother, Lily. And that little girl, whom I've met a couple of times.
"There you are!", Lily says loudly, "Rick!", she screams even louder. And takes a step towards Jessie, who only retreats a step away. I circle around, and come to stand right next to her, in the living room doorway.
"What?", Jessie asks. All the Manning women are wearing pitiful faces, and I can see Lily's been crying. It's upsetting Jessie even more, "What?!", she shrieks, when no one answers.
"We have some bad news, Jessie", Lily says, "Your father will tell yo, when he gets here. RICK!", she again screams all of a sudden.
"Tell me what?", Jessie demands to know. I place a hand on her shoulder, but she just furiously shakes it off, and moves forward a little.
Lily looks helplessly at the frail girl in the middle of the room. The rest of us are surrounding her from all sides, and it almost looks like we've trapped her in some cage, "It's your mother", Lily finally says, "There's been an accident."
Oh, no! Not this! Not now! Please, God, let her be okay! It'll kill Jessie otherwise.
A heavy silence falls into the room. It's an eerie feeling. It's like I'm not even here. I can't move my legs, or my arms. I can't talk. I can't help Jessie in any way. I just stand here. And wait for something to break the spell we're all under. It's funny, I know she's dead. I just know it. And Jessie knows it too, even though no one's said it yet.
And then her father comes pounding down the stairs, "Jessie!", Rick shouts, "Where have you been? I've been calling everywhere!", he pushes his way inside the circle, and moves close to Jessie.
But again she only shies away from the human contact, and lifts her arms to stop her father from coming any closer, "Where's mom?", she quietly whispers. And even though, I don't see her face, I hear the tears in her voice, and I know she's crying.
"Oh, Jessie", Rick breathes out, and makes another move for her.
Jessie just pushes him away, "Where is she?!", she screams.
Rick lowers down her arms. He's crying too. He slowly shakes his head, "She... she's...", he tries to keep his voice even, "Dead", he croaks out the final word.
Jessie's shaking her head too. Disagreeing with her father, even when she knows, he's right, "No", she whispers, desperately denying reality. But Rick just nods forcefully, and makes one last attempt to get to his daughter. Jessie still fights against him, but uselessly this time, "Don't", she cries openly now, and tries to push him away. Rick's having none of it, and just circles his arms around her, and pulls her into a tight hug, "Don't", I still hear Jessie's muffled voice, when she cries into Rick's chest.
A minute goes by. And it's quiet again. Jessie's crying, but silently. Rick's crying also, but he too, silently. And the rest of us are just staring at them. Crying. Silently.
Suddenly, Eli bursts in through the still open front door. I turn to look at him, "Jessie", he sounds relieved, when he sees her sister.
Jessie hears the voice, and starts to struggle in her father's hold. She forces herself free, and turns towards her brother, "Eli!", she cries.
The boy rushes to her, and in the way, accidentally pushes me deeper inside the living room. I can only observe, how Jessie finally, from her own free will, welcomes someone's comfort. They hug each other. And I feel jealous. That it isn't me, comforting her. I love her just as much as he does. Even more.
I back another step into the living room. So as not to be in the way. And I watch at them quietly. Eli is stroking Jessie's hair, and she's still crying. Louder now. I can hear her sobs clearly. And I feel my own eyes water with tears. Because the girl I love, is hurting like crazy, and I can't help her. But also, because a woman, who might've someday been a huge part of my life, is dead now. And I barely knew her.
And I cry, because I don't know, if Jessie will ever want to see me again.
end, for now
Part Three
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: All things 'Once and Again' belong to the creators of the show. I think.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Archive: www.realmoftheshadow.com/megan.htm and the wonderful www.JessieKatie.Com
Summary: Sometimes all you can do, is observe from the sidelines. And hope that the birds don't come crashing down. Sequel to 'Dear Jessie'.
Author's Notes: Continues the story that began in 'Perfect In An Imperfect World'. This chapter intertwines with 'Dear Jessie', and tells things from Katie's pov. Timeline is still... around 'Gardenia'.
***
"I don't understand, why you can't just talk to her?", Jessie asked.
Just like that. I should go and talk to the girl, whose life I've ruined. Sometimes it seems like Jessie's intelligence is highly overrated. She can ask for the hardest things, with the most genuine face.
"Just ask her not to tell anyone", she said.
First of all, I don't have the right to ask her for anything. Least of all favors. I don't even have the right to talk to her. I hurt her. I'm the one, who should be doing favors for her. Starting with staying away, and leaving her alone. Since that is clearly what she wants.
"Where's the harm in that?", Jessie said.
And secondly, what do I care, if Sarah goes around blabbing our secrets for all the world to know? What does Jessie care? And even if she does care, shouldn't she be the one to try and keep that secret then? Instead of begging for my help?
Not that I won't do it. When have I ever denied anything from her? Never. And she knows that. And she grossly misuses her power over me. Not necessarily consciously, but subconsciously she knows I'd do anything for her.
That's why I'm standing here now. Outside the school, in front of Sarah. Even though I have no right to. She glares at me in disdain, and starts to walk away. I take a quick step to cut off her flight, "Sarah, please", I beg.
"Go. Away", she replies sternly, and refuses to look towards me. She makes another attempt to escape, but I stretch out my arm, trying to stop her. It does the trick, and she stops short before I reach her, "Don't touch me!", she cries out, lifting her hands up in protection.
"I just wanna talk to you", I say, shaking my head.
She looks me in the eye for a second, then snorts and lowers her gaze to the ground, "How about, what I want?", she says in a slightly whiny tone.
I've noticed how she's changed. For the worse. During this past month or so. She looks sick. Like a shadow of her old self. And I honestly feel bad for her. It's not just guilt, it's also worry. And pity.
"What do you want, then?", I ask quietly.
She laughs shortly, and shakes her head, "You really have to ask that?", she says.
And I don't. I know, what she wants. I am, what she wants. Or wanted? Still wants, I think, "We could still be friends, Sarah", I offer. And hate myself for it. Friends. For God's sake! What is wrong with me?
"No we can't", she says, finally settling her eyes on me, "I hate you too much now. You have no idea, how much it hurts, just to stand here and listen to your voice."
I have some idea. It's evident in her face. In her eyes. She looks like she's about to break down right here, right now. I half expect her to drop dead on the spot. She doesn't, though. Instead she actually smiles, confusing me at first. Then I realize, she's pleased she's causing me this much anguish. And I'm reminded of Sarah's ugly side. Her twisted need to inflict as much pain as she's feeling herself. And suddenly, I don't feel so bad anymore.
"I'll be quick then", I say, more harshly this time.
She doesn't like my tone, and squints her eyes a little, "You always are", she says, and lets her gaze roam the school yard behind me. And I know she spots Jessie there, when the smirk returns to her face, "Let me guess. Miss Sammler didn't appreciate the little chat I had with her mom?"
"You leave Jessie alone", I say, even more fiercely than I meant to. Sarah is taken aback, and the smirk is gone as fast as it appeared, "In fact, why don't you leave us both alone?", I go on, softening my tone a touch.
Sarah looks warily at me, and then gathers herself. She is, after all, the hurt party here, "Excuse me", she says, "But weren't YOU the one, who started bothering ME?"
"Just...", I say, pausing for a second, "Please, don't tell anyone else. Sarah", I add her name for good measure.
"Is this you asking? Or her?", Sarah says, nodding towards Jessie, who insisted on observing the conversation from afar.
I look over my shoulder, and catch the blonde girl fidgeting uncomfortably on her feet, some twenty yards away, "It's both of us asking", I say, not turning away from my girlfriend.
There's a short silence, and I know I've made a mistake, ignoring Sarah and concentrating on Jessie. Sarah doesn't like to be ignored, "Is that so, Jessie?!", she suddenly yells, loud enough for the blonde to hear. And about a dozen other kids hear her too. When I quickly swing my head around, to look at Sarah again, it's already too late, "You don't want people to know you're gay?!", she yells. I gawk at her in disbelief. I SO didn't expect her to go this far. She can be a bitch, yes, but she is not evil. Wasn't, at least. Maybe she's crossed the line by now.
I shake my head once in disgust, but Sarah only shrugs her shoulders, and gives me a smug look. She doesn't care anymore, what I think about her. Or, if she does, she's doing a great job hiding it.
When I turn around again, Jessie's made her move already. She's striding down the walkway, away from the school, and away from me. Away from everybody. I watch her go for a full second, before running after her. It isn't easy, catching up with her, when she's half running herself.
"Jessie", I yell, still a good distance away. She starts moving even faster. I sprint the last yards separating us, and touch her shoulder with my hand, "Where are you going?", I ask.
"Home", Jessie grumbles, and ignoring the hand, moves on.
I don't let her escape, but keep walking beside her, "It... she...", I try to find words to explain Sarah's behavior. Or not explain it. I try to find words, to make Jessie see, it's not the end of the world, "It's not as bad as you think, Jessie", I finally blurt out.
She glances at me quickly. Her face is falling fast, "It isn't?", she chuckles lightly, and shakes her head, "I'm thinking, everyone will know tomorrow!"
Okay, so it is as bad as she thinks. But it doesn't have to be bad in general. Didn't she tell me just yesterday, that it didn't matter to her anymore, who knew? Or did I just dream that? Wouldn't be the first time. I dream about Jessie every night, "So what, if they know?", I say.
Jessie sneers and stops walking. She turns to look at me, and scoffs, "Oh, I know, you'd like that!", she says in an evil voice, that hurts me, "You probably asked her to yell that to me."
"What?", I say incredulously, "You don't seriously think that, Jessie", I shake my head.
"I don't?", she says, with her eyes bulging out of their sockets, "Funny, how you can read my mind now. And funny, how YOU think, YOU know what's best for me!", she yells the last line.
I hesitate a moment, unsure of, how to continue the conversation, without upsetting her more. And Jessie takes initiative, and starts moving down the street again, "Where are you going?", I ask, annoyed by her behavior, and following a few steps behind.
"I told you already. Home!", she curtly answers.
"We're not gona talk about this?", I ask.
"What's there to talk about?", she says angrily, "Just read my mind, and then decide what to do. Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, could you tell maybe tell me, what I'm thinking?"
Oh, that's mature! I can't believe she's acting like a five-year old. And I can't believe, we're here arguing. Where did that good place, we were in this morning, disappear?, "Jessie...", I say.
"Save it!", she yells.
And we walk quietly to the next street corner, and take a turn to the left, "Jessie", I start again.
***
Half an hour later, we're at the Manning house. Still arguing. About the same stupid stuff. Without having made any progress.
Jessie stops in the driveway, and takes a deep breath, "Look", she says more calmly, "This is pointless. We're not getting anywhere."
I wait silently for a second, trying to calm down myself, "Just... tell me, you don't really think, I told Sarah to yell that on the school yard?"
Jessie bows her head down, "Of course I don't", she says, "But I do know you want people to know."
"Yeah", I admit, "But I would NEVER go against your wish! Don't you know how much I love you?"
That shuts her up. And she looks a little ashamed of herself. Like she should. Yes, things went bad today, but I'm not to blame! I didn't even want to talk to Sarah. Jessie made me. I didn't do anything to deserve such evil accusations. From the girl I love, nonetheless.
"I could never intentionally do anything to hurt you", I say tenderly after a short silence. Hoping that the fight is finally over, and I can hug her to make it all better.
But Jessie isn't done, "But maybe you somehow provoked her, unintentionally..."
"I didn't do anything!", I shout, scaring the bejesus out of her. She startles backwards, with a shocked expression on her face. She looks at me for a second, and then turns to go inside, "What? You're walking away again?"
Jessie doesn't answer anything, so I just follow behind her. No matter how angry I am at her now, I won't let her go. Not before we make up. Jessie flies over to the house, and rips open the door. I'm right behind, and actually bump into her, when she suddenly stops in her tracks, once inside. The hallway is packed. With Grace, and her mother, Lily. And that little girl, whom I've met a couple of times.
"There you are!", Lily says loudly, "Rick!", she screams even louder. And takes a step towards Jessie, who only retreats a step away. I circle around, and come to stand right next to her, in the living room doorway.
"What?", Jessie asks. All the Manning women are wearing pitiful faces, and I can see Lily's been crying. It's upsetting Jessie even more, "What?!", she shrieks, when no one answers.
"We have some bad news, Jessie", Lily says, "Your father will tell yo, when he gets here. RICK!", she again screams all of a sudden.
"Tell me what?", Jessie demands to know. I place a hand on her shoulder, but she just furiously shakes it off, and moves forward a little.
Lily looks helplessly at the frail girl in the middle of the room. The rest of us are surrounding her from all sides, and it almost looks like we've trapped her in some cage, "It's your mother", Lily finally says, "There's been an accident."
Oh, no! Not this! Not now! Please, God, let her be okay! It'll kill Jessie otherwise.
A heavy silence falls into the room. It's an eerie feeling. It's like I'm not even here. I can't move my legs, or my arms. I can't talk. I can't help Jessie in any way. I just stand here. And wait for something to break the spell we're all under. It's funny, I know she's dead. I just know it. And Jessie knows it too, even though no one's said it yet.
And then her father comes pounding down the stairs, "Jessie!", Rick shouts, "Where have you been? I've been calling everywhere!", he pushes his way inside the circle, and moves close to Jessie.
But again she only shies away from the human contact, and lifts her arms to stop her father from coming any closer, "Where's mom?", she quietly whispers. And even though, I don't see her face, I hear the tears in her voice, and I know she's crying.
"Oh, Jessie", Rick breathes out, and makes another move for her.
Jessie just pushes him away, "Where is she?!", she screams.
Rick lowers down her arms. He's crying too. He slowly shakes his head, "She... she's...", he tries to keep his voice even, "Dead", he croaks out the final word.
Jessie's shaking her head too. Disagreeing with her father, even when she knows, he's right, "No", she whispers, desperately denying reality. But Rick just nods forcefully, and makes one last attempt to get to his daughter. Jessie still fights against him, but uselessly this time, "Don't", she cries openly now, and tries to push him away. Rick's having none of it, and just circles his arms around her, and pulls her into a tight hug, "Don't", I still hear Jessie's muffled voice, when she cries into Rick's chest.
A minute goes by. And it's quiet again. Jessie's crying, but silently. Rick's crying also, but he too, silently. And the rest of us are just staring at them. Crying. Silently.
Suddenly, Eli bursts in through the still open front door. I turn to look at him, "Jessie", he sounds relieved, when he sees her sister.
Jessie hears the voice, and starts to struggle in her father's hold. She forces herself free, and turns towards her brother, "Eli!", she cries.
The boy rushes to her, and in the way, accidentally pushes me deeper inside the living room. I can only observe, how Jessie finally, from her own free will, welcomes someone's comfort. They hug each other. And I feel jealous. That it isn't me, comforting her. I love her just as much as he does. Even more.
I back another step into the living room. So as not to be in the way. And I watch at them quietly. Eli is stroking Jessie's hair, and she's still crying. Louder now. I can hear her sobs clearly. And I feel my own eyes water with tears. Because the girl I love, is hurting like crazy, and I can't help her. But also, because a woman, who might've someday been a huge part of my life, is dead now. And I barely knew her.
And I cry, because I don't know, if Jessie will ever want to see me again.
end, for now
