Disclaimer: In the Words of the immortal Squall: ...Whatever. In the words of the the immortal Disclaimer: Kmoney doesn't own Final Fantasy VIII

Be warned. This is a humorous fic. (Or it should be) The beginning makes no sense, but all those well things well be explained in the third chapter. Yeah, I said third chapter.

Chapter 1:

Women Have Problems; Men Have Dirty Minds

Quistis Trepe slowly rose up. She pushed aside the covers and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She sighed to herself as she stood up with her hands extended in front of her in a zombie kind of way and walked...right into the door!

"Ow!" she cried, stumbling back, holding the spot that made contact with the door. She blinked as she looked around her dark room in confusion. "I was sleep walking again!" she exclaimed. "Noooooooooooo! I don't want THAT to happen for the third time." with determination filling her body, Quistis jumped to her feet, slipped on her shoes and robe and ran out of room towards the cafeteria.

She entered the cafeteria and ran to the counter. "I need coffee!" she demanded looking at the woman with a freaked out looked.

"Ugh...okay." the cafeteria woman poured coffee into a mug and handed it to the freaky blonde woman. "Here ya go."

Quistis stared at the cup. "What the hell is this!? You expect me to survive off of one damn cup of coffee! Give me a hug cup. One of those cups used for extra large sodas!"

"Okay!" shrieked the woman as she did what she was told. When she was done, Quistis was finished with that mug of coffee and gave the cup back. She in turn received the large sixty-two ounce cup of coffee and ran to take a seat somewhere, giggling like a madwoman. The cafeteria lady thought she was crazy. Maybe all those missions finally made her snapped. Also the fact that she kept waking up in other people's rooms could also be the cause of her insanity as well. That just had to be. The waking up in other people's room thing was probably the problem.

Dear Diary,

Hi its me again. Yeah, I know, this is the second time today I've written in you, but my life is so messed up. People don't fine me attractive and I can't find any of the guys. What am I going to do diary? Help!

Love, Selphie

Selphie signed as she closed her diary again and locked it. She stood up from her chair and walked out of her room. Just as she closed the door, there was a snicker from under the bed and Zell came into view as he crawled from under there. He looked at the door and made sure it wouldn't open. He grabbed the diary and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Back towards the quad. Where everyone seemed to hang out these days...

Squall sat on the stairs in the Quad area reading a small, dairy size book. He chuckled a few times and then looked over his shoulder to make sure he was not caught. He then would return to reading what he had stolen.

"I GOT IT!" Zell cheered. He ran into view as he waved the diary in the air. Squall nodded in a approval before closing the one he had been reading.

"So, now that we've got all the girls' diary's what shall we do with them?" Squall pondered.

"Make them do very pleasurable things to us while we hold a lighter under their beloved Diaries?" suggested Zell.

"Hey, there's a big bright ball of light in the sky! What are we gonna do about it!?." Irvine exclaimed. He was standing a few feet away staring at the sky. Again.

Squall glanced up and rolled his eyes back down to look at Irvine, very annoyed. "Gee its been sitting there since the beginning of time. Some call it the sun and if you don't stop staring at it you'll go blind." Squall replied being very sarcastic. "Now let's get back on track. What to do with the dairies?"

"Why don't we continue to steal diaries?" Irvine thought up, joining the two on the stairs. "We could then make a book out of them and sell them to all the guys in the garden!"

"That's a great idea!" Zell agreed, "Staring at the sun must have made you smart!"

"Yeah, not a bad idea at all, but let's keep Rinoa's diary out of that plan." Squall added.

"Why?" questioned his two friends.

He frowned for a moment before replying. "She has a sick and twisted mind..."

"Like how?" Zell asked curiously.

"Yeah, is it sick and twisted in an evil way or a dirty way?" Irvine said elaborating Zell's question.

"Both." Squall replied. "I think I'm dating a psycho."

"Yeah, now that I think about it. We should also leave out Quistis and Selphie's diaries'." Irvine suddenly said. "They write too much stuff about us in them. We wouldn't want to embarrass ourselves now would we?"

"Okay fine its settle," Zell said. "Every diary, but those named will go into the diary. Oh yeah, my girl's diary stays out too."

The three shook hands and all sat down reading one of the three diary's they had.

Rinoa entered the Quad area and looked around. Behind her was a depressed Selphie and a wired Quistis. "Oh, there they are!" she pointed at the three guys sitting on the stairs reading.

"That's good!" Quistis exclaimed. "I need coffee!" she ran off, waving her arms frantically and shouting about coffee.

"Rinoa?" questioned Selphie.

Rinoa turned to her little sad friend. "Yes?"

"Will you cast death on me and not bring me back?" Selphie asked.

There was an evil glint in Rinoa's eyes and she rose her hand in the air. The chances of the death spell working were very slim and if not pulled off the first time it would be very hard to try a second time. Mainly because she was standing in the quad and three very strong men were sitting nearby.

Rinoa grinned as a black mist started rising out of the ground in front of a suddenly happy Selphie. Fortunately, she was a sorceress, the only one, and things like casting death and having it work were just a walk in her park.

"YES Its my park!" she exclaimed to no one.

Selphie blinked at Rinoa and then noticed that since Rinoa got distracted the spell was not fully cast and slowly it was died out. "NO! NO! NO! Rinoa, pay attention!"

Rinoa ignored Selphie completely. Instead she turned to a nearby tree and pointed a finger at it. "Listen you! How many times have I told you that if you keep messing with me in public people might think I'm nuts!? You know you're invisible! Geesh! And yes its my park and no one else's!"

The noise of course caught the attention of the guys and they quickly hid the three diaries when they saw who was standing there.

"Hey, who was casting death?" Zell asked, as he watch the grim reaper melt away not receiving the chance to kill anyone.

"Rinoa was!" Selphie cried. "She was going to use it on me!" she cried in her hands and Irvine walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her in a comfort hug.

"Its okay...its okay...Rinoa sometimes doesn't know what she's doing..." He tried to assure.

Selphie didn't reply, she only cried in Irvine's shoulder. "Oh, Irvie! I was almost dead! Almost dead!"

He rubbed his hand on her back making soothing noises. "Its okay...its going to be okay."

"Ugh...Irvine, why don't you take Selphie to her room." Squall thought up suddenly.

Irvine winked and lead the crying Selphie away.

Squall turned his attention to the next...ugh...issue. Rinoa. She was standing with her back to him, yelling at the tree. It seemed to have pissed her off a great degree and she was now showing it a thing or two.

Zell for his part blinked and looked at Squall. "Hey, man, who's she yelling at?"

Squall rolled his eyes in Zell's direction. "Apparently the tree has made her very angry."

"Oh." Zell made a couple of confused faces before starting off. "I'll leave this up to you. I'm hungry."

'Yeah, leave the crazy sorceress to me!' Squall thought frustrated. He shrugged and walked over to Rinoa.

"You shut-up--what!? Don't make me come over there!...Grr...Hey, in fact, I won't need to come over there--yeah that's--WHAT!? I hate you too!" Rinoa shouted, getting angerer and angerer with this 'person'.

Squall stood there for a minute just listening to Rinoa's ranting. At one point during this he decided to just leave her there and call a institution. But before he was able to put his plan in action, Rinoa spun around and bumped into him.

"Oh, hello!" She greeted. "Didn't see you there. What are you doing here?"

Squall eyed her strangely. "I should be asking you the same thing, but I won't. I just wanted to know why you tried to kill Selphie?"

Rinoa rolled her eyes to the ground and looked back up at Squall blankly. "What?" came a confused voice. "OH!? That! She asked me to."

"I don't think Selphie would ask you to kill her." Squall replied. "Are you okay?"

"She did ask me and I was kinda in the mood to do it. I mean that was before someone rudely interrupted me."

Squall slowly took Rinoa by her hand and lead her to sit on the stairs. "Rinoa, you want to tell me what's going on?"

Rinoa's cocked her head to the side. "Huh?"

Squall looked over at the tree before looking back at her. "Ya know that thing with the tree...?"

"What about the tree?" she asked, turning to it as well.

"Why were you yelling at it?" he finally asked.

Rinoa sat there blinking at him for the longest time. Why in the world would she be yelling at tree? Squall may be incredibly cute, but none too bright. Who in their right mind would yell at a tree. "What the hell are you talking about?" she finally managed to get out.

Her acting all cutely confused wasn't helping this one bit. He decided he'd have to act real sour towards her before she decided to give away her little secret. "Don't play with me." he warned.

Rinoa pushed some hair out of her face, and fingered some more while staring at the ground. She wasn't playing with him. Why was he getting all upset for?

Squall was getting ready to demand an answer when he remembered something. He had her diary. Whatever was going on between her and that tree was probably written in it, so he'd just have to read up to more recent events. Although that meant skipping pass the 'Seifer saga', but he'd just go back to that and read it. So with nothing left to do here, he kissed her on the cheek and stood up.

"Ahh, nevermind!" he said. "Must be taking Zell and Irvine more serious than I should." He smiled and began to walk off. "Well, I'll leave you alone. I need to do something."

Rinoa decided she'd better not ask what the hell just happen and just go along with it. "Can I help?"

He shook his head. "Aww, sorry, guy stuff. Maybe some other time." He waved and left the quad. Rinoa blinked a few times before glaring at the tree. "You see what you did!? Now my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts!" With nothing left to there, she stomped off, grring in frustration as she did so.

And Rinoa's invisible friend chuckled. Then decided that it was approriate to do so and chuckled some more. Then deciding that it was having fun doing this, chuckled some more. It chuckled till someone kicked a ball over in that direction and hit them upside the head.

Questionnaire thingy: Who is Rinoa's invisible friend? Are they evil? Will the guys go through with their plan to steal dairies? Will the invisible dude be okay after taking a ball in the head? Find out all this and more....in CHAPTER 2!