Disclaimer at the beginning.
*
*
*
Matthew fell asleep on the drive home, unsurprisingly since his day had been full of unusual excitement for such a small child. Unfortunately, his sleeping meant that both Sam and Jack no longer had an excuse to keep up the tense, nervous chatter that they felt they needed to maintain for Matthew's sake. After all, he'd been understandably confused when faced with his father for the first time in two years. He had little recollection of Jack other than the photograph that his mother kept with her at all times, and was rather confused that the man Sam now labelled as his father looked remarkably similar to that other man she'd tried to keep him away from back in the SGC.
Thankfully, Matthew was a rather peaceable young man and took things in his stride. He'd found it very easy to call Jack 'Daddy' once he realised such behaviour got him tickled or swung around in the air, even if being hugged was almost too much to bear. Sam had been so relieved that Matthew hadn't instantly taken a suspicious dislike to Jack that she'd nearly fallen on the floor. Only the prudent arrival of the SGC Dr Fraiser and her quick actions had meant Sam collapsed into a nearby chair and not onto the linoleum.
Of course. Now she was home.
Jack turned into their street, his hands gripping the wheel so tightly she was afraid something was going to snap. Her own nerves stretched tightly, she found her fingernails digging into her palms as their house got closer... closer...
He pulled into the drive, switched off the engine.
And they both sat there.
Terror. Sam was terrified. There were so many reasons to be afraid. What if they never got over this? What if he never forgave her? What if he liked that other Sam better than her? What if she lost him?
Fumbling for the handle, Sam forgot to take her seat-belt off and nearly strangled herself in the process of trying to get out. Outside, the air was cool and fresh and she sucked in heavy breaths repeatedly, trying not to hyperventilate.
'' Sam?''
She gasped and hurriedly stepped away from him, holding her hands out to stop him from touching her when she was this close to losing control. But the look on his face was so awful, so traumatised that the hands that had been preventing him from coming closer, turned into hands that were reaching for him. He moved swiftly forwards, threw his arms around her and lifted her a clean few inches off the ground.
Oh God, Sam thought. Oh God but it was good to hold him. So good. She wrapped her arms about his neck and clung on for dear life. She didn't care who saw. It was six in the evening and she had every right to hold on to her husband as if he was the only thing keeping her afloat.
There were no words, not yet. Neither of them were capable of voicing how they were feeling just yet. They simply clung to each other. Sam couldn't even cry yet. As it was she was barely managing to breath in and out, filling her lungs with the distinctive scent of him, Jack O'Neill. Beyond her, she could feel him doing the same, breathing in and out just as deeply as she was doing.
At some point, they realised that maybe they ought to take Matthew inside, continue their homecoming behind closed doors and drawn curtains. Wordlessly, Jack conveyed to Sam his wish to carry Matthew into his bedroom and she nodded quickly, opening the car door and letting him reach across the child's seat, unclick the seatbelt and fill his arms with his son. The sight brought a lump to Sam's throat, just as it had done when Jack had first seen him again. She took the keys from his hand and locked the car, before hurrying to the front door and opening it, taking in the first sight of her hallway. The hallway she'd decorated. At first glance, nothing had changed, then she noticed that her coats were no longer hanging in the hallway, that the usual arrangement of flowers she kept on the hall table was absent. The laundry basket wasn't sitting at the base of the stairs and her handbag wasn't hanging off the back of the chair. Everything screamed her absence.
Swallowing, she let Jack go through and head up the stairs. Making a conscious decision to let him spend some time alone with his son, she closed the front door and went into the living room.
Still the same, but not. The answer machine was flickering and reflexively she pressed the PLAY button.
'' Hi, Jack, it's Sara. Call me when you get a moment.''
She winced. Sara. Two years ago Jack and his ex-wife had been on fairly good speaking terms. She'd been invited to their wedding but had politely declined, phoning up to congratulate Sam and Jack, even going so far as to send a wedding present. Perhaps things had got a little cosier while Sam had been away.
Dismissing that thought as ridiculous - this was Jack after all. Her Jack. And she knew him down to the ground. Sara had been the mother of his son, they would always have a bond, but she was his wife now, she was the mother of his son. Even if she'd left him, abandoned him, taken his son away from him. Abused the marital relationship, even if she hadn't meant to.
Oh Jack...
'' He sleeps really deeply.''
She jumped, looked away from the answer machine. '' Takes after me, then.'' She smiled tensely at him, her fingers going to toy with the edge of a sofa cushion. '' Sara called.'' She glanced up at him sideways, wanting to catch his reaction to her unintentional statement.
Jack wasn't obviously concerned. His face showed the usual discomfort it did when faced with questions about his ex-wife from his wife. '' She did? She's... engaged.''
'' Really?''
He nodded, his hands going to the edge of his jeans pockets, then slipping inside in a gesture he hadn't used in front of her for years. But he'd always done it when they'd first started dating. Was this how it was going to be? she wondered. Were they back to first date scenarios? Had she bruised the marriage that much? She supposed she ought to be grateful that she hadn't wrecked it completely.
'' To some... guy. Randy. Andy. Peter! Peter, that's it.''
Her relief was so intense she completely forgot to laugh at the way he'd forgotten his ex-wife's future-spouse's name. '' Peter. That guy she works with?'' Distantly, she remember a co-partner by the name of Peter.
Jack shrugged, obviously not recalling the details. '' She's being skittish, nervous. Second marriages being... difficult and all that.''
Difficult. '' I wouldn't know,'' she said coolly, her eyes going to stare at the cushion her fingers were playing with.
'' It's nerve wracking. You worry... worry about making the same mistakes again. I worried that I wouldn't be able to talk about.. things. The important things. That's what broke me and Sara, even before... before Charlie.''
Sam managed a watery impression of a smile as tears bloomed. '' I should have told you.''
'' Yes.''
'' I couldn't have.''
'' I know.''
She restrained from blinking, knowing that if she started crying now, she may not stop. '' I wanted too.''
'' I know.''
'' But... it was Matthew. Someone had to stay behind to work it all out.''
'' I sure did a good job of that,'' he said bitterly.
She looked at him sharply, the tears in her eyes on the verge of spilling over. '' You weren't to know Simmons would sweep the house, my office. Jack, don't blame yourself for that,'' she ordered.
He was still hovering behind one of the sofa chairs, fingers tapping the back edge. '' You know I just love to blame myself, Sam.''
'' Yes, but you can't. You mustn't. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.'' She moved towards him, standing in front of the sofa chair and trying to hold his eyes, though he seemed intent on avoiding her gaze. '' You worked it out now. We're back. You have your son. Our son,'' she corrected. She blinked, and several tears streamed down her cheeks. '' He's here, right now, in his bedroom where he belongs.''
'' But it took me two years and another you to figure it out. How can you forgive that?''
She swiped at her eyes. '' I can forgive you anything, Jack.''
'' Laira?''
'' As far as I was aware, there was nothing there for me to forgive,'' she said, the damn name raising up her hackles like no other name had ever managed too. Laira inspired jealousy that Sara never had done, and she didn't know why.
Jack was clenching and unclenching his teeth, his eyes searching the room, like he was looking for some reason for her to hate him. '' I can't understand why you... Sam, I thought I hated you.''
She winced. '' I remember.'' And it had convinced her more than ever that if he could hate her that much, then he must have loved her in equal proportions. Despite the strength of their marriage, with Jack, she'd never been entirely sure if he loved her on the scale she loved him. Perhaps it was a remnant of past relationships, perhaps it was his inability to speak about his feelings, she didn't know. '' But you don't hate me now?''
He shook his head. '' No. I still love you.''
Oh God, oh God, oh God.... '' I sense a but coming...'' She nearly choked on her words.
But I can't stay married to you...
But I think we should get a divorce...
But you destroyed this precious thing we had, Sam. You destroyed it.
'' But... can you still love me?''
'' What?'' He'd stopped her heart for that? How he could he doubt that? '' Yes! Of course I still love you. How could... you searched for me. If, thanks to Colonel fucking Simmons you didn't find the clues I gave you, at least you risked your career, General Hammond's, the whole of the SGF's, trying to find me and Matthew. Of course I still love you, Jack. I fall more in love with you every day. I can't help it!''
Okay, that had been a little more enthusiastic than she'd meant it to be. She flushed, and this time it was her who was avoiding his eyes, crushing her previously gesticulating hands into her pockets.
He just stared at her. Eyes boring into her.
'' God, say something,'' she whispered when the tension became too much.
'' I... you know I can't....''
She rolled her eyes and turned away. Typical Jack. When the emotions got too much, he clammed up. '' Jesus.''
'' Sam, come here.''
'' No.'' But it was more sulky than unwilling.
He chuckled softly and walked around to her instead, reached around her waist lightly and held on to her. His mouth lingered over her forehead for an instant before it pressed there, then Sam's shoulders relaxed completely. '' We're gonna be all right, aren't we?''
'' Please, God, I hope so.''
She pressed her cheek against his chest and breathed him in. '' I've missed you so much.''
Jack kissed her temple, then the hair that lay there. '' Hey, you had a version of me for a while.''
'' No, no, he couldn't bare to be in the same room with me. I reminded him too much of his Sam. They... they don't have anything, you know.''
'' I know. She told me.'' His mouth moved further down and she smiled as it brushed her cheek, paused on the corner of her mouth and breathed warm air slightly. '' Sam...''
'' Uh-huh...'' She was trying not to tilt her head towards him, her mouth gravitating towards his. Somehow this step, the physical step that her body had missed so intensely while she'd been away, couldn't be initiated by one person. It would have to be mutually agreed upon. The moment had to be right.
'' I realise we need to do a little more talking...''
'' Yeah.'' She so knew where this was going. Perhaps this was the right moment. It certainly felt like it; the pull that had been there from that first evening, the red dress, his tux and dark, passionate, pained eyes was still there, tugging away. Just like it had tugged them into their first kiss, the taste of wine on each other's tongues, the feel of his hands pressing into her back. And the first time... she would never forget the look in his eyes as he held her, the way his hands had cradled her face as they moved over one another intimately.
'' And I know everything's not going to get sorted out tonight.''
'' Right.'' Her fingers brushed his side, going to the hem of his top.
'' So I was thinking, it wouldn't be too... um...''
She slid a hand underneath that hem, the tips of her fingers running over the first inch of flesh she could find. '' Jack?''
'' Yes?'' he seemed relieved to be rescued from his impending suggestion.
'' Do you want to go to bed?''
His mouth smiled against her cheek, touched hers chastely. '' Very much so.''
She grinned, rubbed her cheek against him. '' Me too.''
'' Oh boy.''
'' Hey, that's my line..''
They giggled and Jack finally covered her mouth with his own.
