Once upon a time there was a boy named Harry Potter. Blah blah blah.
insert ten years here
Aunt Petunia: Wake up! Zoo!
Harry: Never been to one.
Uncle Vernon: No funny business!
Harry: Right.
Snake: Hey, Harry.
Harry: Oh, sh--
Dudley: Look! The snake is moving!
(The glass disappears.)
Dudley: Ahhhhh!
Uncle Vernon: I said no funny business!
(Uncle Vernon locks Harry in cupboard under stairs.)
Uncle Vernon: Mail's here.
Harry: Hahaha! A letter for me!
Uncle Vernon: Oh no. Let's get out of here! Quick!
Harry: Happy birthday to me...
(Hagrid bursts in.)
Hagrid: Harry, yer a wizard. Parents killed by Dark Lord, you lived. Let's go.
Harry: Great!
Hagrid: This is Diagon Alley.
Harry: Cool.
Hagrid: Here's yer stuff.
Harry: Excellent.
Hagrid: And I'm going to put this sorcerer's... er... I mean... inconscpicious rock in my pocket. Now here's yer ticket for Platform 9 and 3/4.
Harry: Can't find it.
Mrs. Weasley: Run into the barrier.
(Harry is on the train.)
Ron: Can I sit?
Harry: No.
(Ron sits.)
Ron: I'm Ron Weasley. I'll be your best friend.
Harry: Oh. Okay.
(Enter Hermione.)
Hermione: I'll also be your best friend. Not yet though.
Sorting Hat: Okay, you three in Gryffindor. Haha! Bet you didn't guess that!
Malfoy: Harry Potter is STUPID.
Harry: Am not!
Malfoy: I'm your enemy. I'm s'posed to say that.
Snape: I hate Harry Potter!
Quirrel: St-st-wh-st-...
Flitwick: Eeee!
Hooch: Get on the broom and die.
(Harry gets on broom.)
McGonagall: You're on the Quidditch team!
Harry: Great!
Ron: Let's go wandering.
Hermione: I'm going too!
Harry: Three-headed dog!
All: AHHHH!
Hermione: Dog's guarding something. Wonder what. G'night.
Hermione: Wingardium leviosa!
Ron: Wanker.
Quirrel: Troll!
Students: Ack!
Harry: Kill troll!
Ron: Die die!
Troll: Blach.
Wood: Hey. Time for a Quidditch match.
Ron: Harry's broom is jinxed!
Hermione: Snape's jinxing it!
(Hermione lights Snape on fire.)
Snape: Ahh! I shall now knock over Quirrel!
Quirrel: Ahhh!
Snape: Blah blah you suck blah blah I'm evil blah blah.
Hagrid: No. I can't tell you about Fluffy. He's the three-headed dog on the third floor. Nicholas Flamel Nicholas Flamel Nicholas Flamel.
Harry: Look! A mirror!
Dumbledore: I like socks.
Hermione: Nicholas Flamel made the sorcerer's stone. You live forever and it turns stuff into gold.
Harry: Let's save it!
Ron: Not yet.
McGonagall: Detention!
Harry: Awww.
Centaurs: Voldemort is after you!
Harry: Oh no!
Hermione: Haha! I hath conquered the plant!
Harry: Birds are evil. Like in that movie.
Ron: Let's play chess!
Hermione: I'm smart. Bleh bleh. insert shpiel of logic here
Harry: Stop thief!
Quirrel: Ahahahaha!
Harry: Snape!
Quirrel: No, I'm Quirrel, you idiot! It was me all along!
Harry: Oh man!
Quirrel: I want the stone.
(Harry sticks stone in pocket.)
Voldemort: Give me the stone, you--
Harry: Never!
Voldemort: Gahhhhh!
(Quirrel dies.)
(Harry wakes up in hospital.)
Harry: The stone!
Dumbledore: --is gone.
Harry: Oh.
Dumbledore: You win the house cup!
Gryffindors: Huzzah!
Hermione: Let's go home--
ending cut to avoid cheese
insert ten years here
Aunt Petunia: Wake up! Zoo!
Harry: Never been to one.
Uncle Vernon: No funny business!
Harry: Right.
Snake: Hey, Harry.
Harry: Oh, sh--
Dudley: Look! The snake is moving!
(The glass disappears.)
Dudley: Ahhhhh!
Uncle Vernon: I said no funny business!
(Uncle Vernon locks Harry in cupboard under stairs.)
Uncle Vernon: Mail's here.
Harry: Hahaha! A letter for me!
Uncle Vernon: Oh no. Let's get out of here! Quick!
Harry: Happy birthday to me...
(Hagrid bursts in.)
Hagrid: Harry, yer a wizard. Parents killed by Dark Lord, you lived. Let's go.
Harry: Great!
Hagrid: This is Diagon Alley.
Harry: Cool.
Hagrid: Here's yer stuff.
Harry: Excellent.
Hagrid: And I'm going to put this sorcerer's... er... I mean... inconscpicious rock in my pocket. Now here's yer ticket for Platform 9 and 3/4.
Harry: Can't find it.
Mrs. Weasley: Run into the barrier.
(Harry is on the train.)
Ron: Can I sit?
Harry: No.
(Ron sits.)
Ron: I'm Ron Weasley. I'll be your best friend.
Harry: Oh. Okay.
(Enter Hermione.)
Hermione: I'll also be your best friend. Not yet though.
Sorting Hat: Okay, you three in Gryffindor. Haha! Bet you didn't guess that!
Malfoy: Harry Potter is STUPID.
Harry: Am not!
Malfoy: I'm your enemy. I'm s'posed to say that.
Snape: I hate Harry Potter!
Quirrel: St-st-wh-st-...
Flitwick: Eeee!
Hooch: Get on the broom and die.
(Harry gets on broom.)
McGonagall: You're on the Quidditch team!
Harry: Great!
Ron: Let's go wandering.
Hermione: I'm going too!
Harry: Three-headed dog!
All: AHHHH!
Hermione: Dog's guarding something. Wonder what. G'night.
Hermione: Wingardium leviosa!
Ron: Wanker.
Quirrel: Troll!
Students: Ack!
Harry: Kill troll!
Ron: Die die!
Troll: Blach.
Wood: Hey. Time for a Quidditch match.
Ron: Harry's broom is jinxed!
Hermione: Snape's jinxing it!
(Hermione lights Snape on fire.)
Snape: Ahh! I shall now knock over Quirrel!
Quirrel: Ahhh!
Snape: Blah blah you suck blah blah I'm evil blah blah.
Hagrid: No. I can't tell you about Fluffy. He's the three-headed dog on the third floor. Nicholas Flamel Nicholas Flamel Nicholas Flamel.
Harry: Look! A mirror!
Dumbledore: I like socks.
Hermione: Nicholas Flamel made the sorcerer's stone. You live forever and it turns stuff into gold.
Harry: Let's save it!
Ron: Not yet.
McGonagall: Detention!
Harry: Awww.
Centaurs: Voldemort is after you!
Harry: Oh no!
Hermione: Haha! I hath conquered the plant!
Harry: Birds are evil. Like in that movie.
Ron: Let's play chess!
Hermione: I'm smart. Bleh bleh. insert shpiel of logic here
Harry: Stop thief!
Quirrel: Ahahahaha!
Harry: Snape!
Quirrel: No, I'm Quirrel, you idiot! It was me all along!
Harry: Oh man!
Quirrel: I want the stone.
(Harry sticks stone in pocket.)
Voldemort: Give me the stone, you--
Harry: Never!
Voldemort: Gahhhhh!
(Quirrel dies.)
(Harry wakes up in hospital.)
Harry: The stone!
Dumbledore: --is gone.
Harry: Oh.
Dumbledore: You win the house cup!
Gryffindors: Huzzah!
Hermione: Let's go home--
ending cut to avoid cheese
