Part Three
* * *
I think I was lucky too because most of the last months of my pregnancy were in the summer when I wasn't in school anyway. I didn't do much, just stayed home, keeping away from my parents and eating. I took long walks alone, trying to figure out what I was going to do.
Where am I going to have this baby? What am I going to do with it?
No answers. There were never any answers.
I was so afraid.
I was so alone.
#
I think that's why when school started again I paid Virgin Camden to go out with me. I didn't have much money, not really, but I had enough to pay him for a few dates. And I'd heard that he was a fun guy, and because he was proud to be a virgin and all he wouldn't try and get my clothes off, and that was good, because then it would be pretty obvious what I was.
I couldn't tell him, but since I was paying him I knew I could stop him from asking.
I just didn't want to be alone anymore.
So we went out. We had fun. He was good company and I really liked him. It wasn't the virgin thing but maybe it was the fact that neither of us was quite what our parents expected us to be. We never kissed or touched, and that was fine. I paid him everything I had but at least I felt good for a change.
"This was fun," he said at the end of our last date. "I had a good time."
"You mean it?" I asked.
He smiled. He has a good smile; it's a bit subtle, just a bit cocky, but most of all it's warm.
"Yeah. I had a good time, Claire. Thanks."
I guess if I hadn't been afraid he would notice my belly I would have kissed him.
#
I heard from Cecilia a week or two later that Simon's parents had found out about his escort service and had shut it down hard. And she told me that she had gone to his house and had told him about me.
She knew.
They all knew.
I walked the halls of school and people looked at me, grew silent as I came near. No friends, not anymore. I was one of those girls.
Claire. Pregnant. I knew what they were saying.
Are you going to blame Simon? You could blame him, you know. Isn't that why you paid him to go out with you, so you could blame him? His family has all those values they always talk about; you could make a scandal and blame him and then they would have to pay for your baby.
That's what you're going to do, isn't it?
That's what he thought, when he came to me.
#
I don't remember exactly what we said. I know he was afraid. I know I was afraid.
"We have to talk, Claire."
I tried to walk away. "Leave me alone."
"Claire, you know what they're saying about you, about us."
"It's not true. I'm not pregnant. They're just rumors."
"Everyone says -- They're saying I did it."
"Do the math, Simon. I dated you two weeks ago."
He looked around nervously. "After all I've done, you think they'll let me off if they think I did it? You think my parents will believe me? I'm on the edge already. I can't afford this."
"You didn't do anything, all right? Now leave me alone."
#
He didn't. I think any other boy would have. It would have been easy for him to just walk away. But he didn't. He wouldn't let me go.
"Are you pregnant, Claire? You are, aren't you?"
I thought of my father.
Welfare whore.
A bottle of something strong in his hand, a glass in the other. Bruises on my mother's face.
"No!" I cried softly. I wanted to run, had to run.
"Claire, does anyone know?"
"No! My dad will kill me, Simon!"
"Claire --"
"I mean it! He'll kill me! And my mom ...."
I hurried away.
#
It started a few days later.
* * *
I think I was lucky too because most of the last months of my pregnancy were in the summer when I wasn't in school anyway. I didn't do much, just stayed home, keeping away from my parents and eating. I took long walks alone, trying to figure out what I was going to do.
Where am I going to have this baby? What am I going to do with it?
No answers. There were never any answers.
I was so afraid.
I was so alone.
#
I think that's why when school started again I paid Virgin Camden to go out with me. I didn't have much money, not really, but I had enough to pay him for a few dates. And I'd heard that he was a fun guy, and because he was proud to be a virgin and all he wouldn't try and get my clothes off, and that was good, because then it would be pretty obvious what I was.
I couldn't tell him, but since I was paying him I knew I could stop him from asking.
I just didn't want to be alone anymore.
So we went out. We had fun. He was good company and I really liked him. It wasn't the virgin thing but maybe it was the fact that neither of us was quite what our parents expected us to be. We never kissed or touched, and that was fine. I paid him everything I had but at least I felt good for a change.
"This was fun," he said at the end of our last date. "I had a good time."
"You mean it?" I asked.
He smiled. He has a good smile; it's a bit subtle, just a bit cocky, but most of all it's warm.
"Yeah. I had a good time, Claire. Thanks."
I guess if I hadn't been afraid he would notice my belly I would have kissed him.
#
I heard from Cecilia a week or two later that Simon's parents had found out about his escort service and had shut it down hard. And she told me that she had gone to his house and had told him about me.
She knew.
They all knew.
I walked the halls of school and people looked at me, grew silent as I came near. No friends, not anymore. I was one of those girls.
Claire. Pregnant. I knew what they were saying.
Are you going to blame Simon? You could blame him, you know. Isn't that why you paid him to go out with you, so you could blame him? His family has all those values they always talk about; you could make a scandal and blame him and then they would have to pay for your baby.
That's what you're going to do, isn't it?
That's what he thought, when he came to me.
#
I don't remember exactly what we said. I know he was afraid. I know I was afraid.
"We have to talk, Claire."
I tried to walk away. "Leave me alone."
"Claire, you know what they're saying about you, about us."
"It's not true. I'm not pregnant. They're just rumors."
"Everyone says -- They're saying I did it."
"Do the math, Simon. I dated you two weeks ago."
He looked around nervously. "After all I've done, you think they'll let me off if they think I did it? You think my parents will believe me? I'm on the edge already. I can't afford this."
"You didn't do anything, all right? Now leave me alone."
#
He didn't. I think any other boy would have. It would have been easy for him to just walk away. But he didn't. He wouldn't let me go.
"Are you pregnant, Claire? You are, aren't you?"
I thought of my father.
Welfare whore.
A bottle of something strong in his hand, a glass in the other. Bruises on my mother's face.
"No!" I cried softly. I wanted to run, had to run.
"Claire, does anyone know?"
"No! My dad will kill me, Simon!"
"Claire --"
"I mean it! He'll kill me! And my mom ...."
I hurried away.
#
It started a few days later.
