Chapter Two - Confessions on the Hellmouth
The new school felt peculiar. The architect had opted for a cold modern style, leaving it oddly sterile. Xander said they laid it out similar to the last one though, with the library in the same place. Xander had done everything to avoid working on the library section of the project. Just being on the surface of the Hellmouth was too much for him. He and several other workers had complained of frequent nightmares since work began.
"Don't see Bleach Boy anywhere," Xander said. "If he's still weeping in his crypt, you drag him out, Buffy. I don't want to see that again."
"He'll be here," Buffy said, watching Dawn spin slow circles in the hall as she tried to take in the whole half-finished school at once. "Is something wrong, Dawn?"
"I don't like this school. It has a wrong feel to it," Dawn said, her face clouded as the thoughts of her soon attending this school flooding in.
"Turning widdershins isn't a bad idea," Willow said, waving her hand at Dawn's movement. "A good banishment might be needed."
A tiny light flared at the far turn of the hall. "Thought I heard voices." Spike came around the corner and wandered into the section that actually had electrical power. "Nice to see you again, Rupert."
"Yes, well Buffy said I should speak to you," Giles said, almost surprised at the coolness in his voice. He gained nothing by aggravating Spike but the fact Spike had purposely got himself into this mess so he could hurt Buffy galled at him. And he was shocked. Spike looked awful. He had lost a large amount of weight, from where Giles didn't know. Spike had always been too thin and now he looked like a bobble head doll. Giles half expected for Spike's head to snap off under its own weight or for his cheekbones to burst through skin that seemed too small for his face. The vampire's eyes seemed overly large yet sunken at the same time.
"It's nice to see you, too, Red. How are you feeling?" Spike asked, either missing Giles' coldness or ignoring it. There was a surprising warmth to Spike's expression when he looked at Willow, it shocked them all. The only times Spike had ever looked so gentle was with Dawn or Buffy; well, not at the end of the relationship. That had been pure rage and Buffy cared never to remember that night except when it was necessary to whip herself for what she had done. That was becoming an uncomfortably regular pastime for her.
"Good is a stretch but I'm doing better," she said, astonished by the kindness she saw in his blue eyes.
Spike nodded. "I can understand that."
"Are you ready to tell us what happened to you?" Giles pushed, feeling somehow uneasy in the school.
Spike took a drag off his cigarette then slid down the wall to sit on the floor. "Buffy probably told you all about what I tried to do."
"Yes." With one word Giles dropped the temperature in the hall to freezing.
"Probably getting a good laugh at me for getting what I deserved," Spike said, rolling his eyes up to meet Giles.'
"I rarely find you funny," Giles replied.
Spike still seemed unoffended. "Yeah, well I went a little barmy I guess after." He broke off, glancing at Buffy who shuddered, turning away guiltily. "Or maybe I found myself again. Whatever. I just wanted to be who I used to be, what I'm meant to be, not some neutered pussy-whipped shade."
Buffy took a step back, shrinking in on herself. She could live without any reminders of what she had become, how low she had sunk trying to find her life's spark. And worse, some guilty corner of her soul had enjoyed the wild abandoned sex with Spike. There was a certain amount of freedom to screwing without investing one's heart in it. But the way she had treated him made her feel like a manipulative bitch and still part of her couldn't quite believe he honestly loved her. It was more like an obseession. And when he couldn't have her he had gone to great lengths to punish her.
"And this somehow led to you getting a soul?" Giles asked.
"It wasn't what I wanted but yeah, that's the long and short of it. I.I'm not even sure how I got back here. I can barely function." Spike raised his cigarette to his lips with trembling fingers.
"Why did you even come back?" Giles asked, unable to keep the harshness from coloring his voice.
Spike sniffled and Xander rolled his eyes, just waiting for the waterworks to start. "I really don't want to talk about it."
Buffy was surprised when Giles' answered 'and I would rather find somewhere else to talk.' She glanced around the half-done school uneasily. "Is something wrong, Giles?"
"I'm not sure. Something feels wrong about us being here. I know the school was our base for three years but they should have left this ground lie fallow.and salted. There has to be someplace better to talk," Giles said. "Not to mention if by chance someone notices we're here we could get arrested for trespassing."
"The Espresso Pump is still open," Buffy said. "It's not terribly private though."
"It'll do," Giles said.
"What part of 'I don't want talk' didn't you understand?" Spike asked, making no effort to move.
"I flew here specifically to talk to you and Willow interrupted her rehabilitation so you will speak to us," Giles said sternly.
"Well, I didn't ask you to." Spike pouted petulantly. It was a look that usually got him what he wanted from Dru and Harmony.
"Don't be a chuffer, Spike," Giles said, his eyes blazing with blue fire. "Personally I wouldn't have cared if Buffy had just put you out of your misery but she asked for our help so the least you can do is stop getting so tetchy and talk about this."
Spike raised an eyebrow. He, at least, knew Giles had just rather politely called him a fucker and the Watcher had a point. He swallowed a laugh, hearing Willow quietly telling Buffy Giles had gotten more English in the last few weeks since he'd been home and Buffy asking how that was possible. It almost felt like old times. "Fine. Coffee then?"
"Coffee," Buffy said definitively.
The Espresso Pump was more or less dead and they weren't sure if that was good or not. They were probably more likely to be overheard in the quiet of the shop than they would have been had the place been packed and raucous. Everyone had their drink of choice and they crowded around a table in the back. Spike just looked at his pack of cigarettes, moping. He should have suggested a bar. At least there he could have smoked.
"Are you going to talk now?" Buffy encouraged. "Tell us about the dream stuff."
Spike just sighed heavily, folding up more on his chair. His duster shifted around him. He seemed lost, like kindling wrapped in a tarp.
"Oh, for heaven's sake. At least Angel wasn't such a crybaby about this whole soul thing," Xander said, shooting a disgusted look Spike's way.
Spike laughed bitterly. "Shows what you know."
"We saw Angel after ninety years of dealing with it under his belt," Giles said placatingly. As much as he hated it, he could tell Spike was going to need coddling.
"Damn straight," Spike said. "You should have seen him back when it happened. He was such a mess even his shagbag kicked him to the curb."
"Which one? Darla or Dru?" Xander asked and Spike growled.
Buffy kicked both men under the table. "Angel told me about it a little. He said he went pretty crazy for a long time. It wasn't until he saw." She swallowed hard. "Until he saw me that he got back into life."
"Lucky us," Xander muttered and Willow put a hand on his arm.
"Yeah, there is something special about you, Buffy. Scrotty old Angel was affected by it.it dragged me under like a whirlpool. I didn't ask for this, you know," Spike said, a bit of his old fire sneaking into his voice.
"So you've said before. The dreams, Spike," Buffy said before he could launch into another tangent about his former glory.
"Don't see why I should tell you. Nothing you can do, Buffy. Not to mention your Watcher is sitting there with a face on." Spike jerked a thumb at Giles. "Doubt he will help even if he could."
Buffy looked between the two men and Willow, reading the question in Buffy's eyes, leaned in and said, "Giles looks annoyed."
Buffy shrugged. "He always looks annoyed."
"I do not!" Giles said, his annoyed look deepening. "Spike, you might be right; there's a chance there is nothing we can do, if these dreams are part and parcel of you having a soul but Buffy said you thought these dreams had nothing to do with you."
Spike nodded. "Like I'm seeing snatches of someone else's life, having someone else's dreams."
"Are they nightmares?" Willow asked.
"This whole thing is a nightmare," Spike shot back. "It starts off rough and scary, like I'm constantly afraid then it mellows to something peaceful and gentle. It feels like here in Sunnyhell is where I belong of all places. And none of that is me!"
"Maybe it used to be," Dawn suggested. "You weren't always bad or maybe it's your life in reverse."
"I was born bad," Spike lied, not about to own up to his mortal life in front of Xander and Giles. "I can't remember any specifics, no images but somehow I know you're involved, Red. Don't ask me why or how."
Willow's brow creased. "Me? Why?"
Spike reached for Willow then snatched his hand back cradling it to his chest. "I just said I didn't know. It's not like I ever gave you much thought, no offense. And even now something feels different. Seeing you again, it feels somehow right. Like you belong here with me and I'll be damned if I know why."
"Most curious," Giles said.
"Cruel is what I'd call it. Why should I be having any warm happy feelings about this.about her?" Spike snarled. "The dreams just keep coming though. I remember a little more each time but not enough to put it all together."
"Well, I do have a suggestion then. We try something to help you remember your dreams," Giles said.
Spike frowned. "Why do I get the impression this is a very bad idea?"
"Anything involving you is a bad idea," Xander snapped, a peevish look beetling his brow.
"This wanker isn't helping, is he? Cause if he is, it's a no-go," Spike said petulantly.
"It'll be me doing the spell," Giles said. "Buffy and I will come to your crypt tomorrow morning. Willow, you should be there. If somehow you're a focal point for Spike, your presence might help. You won't be doing any of the magic though."
"I still don't like this," Spike grumbled.
"Tough. Just be ready for us," Buffy said with finality.
The new school felt peculiar. The architect had opted for a cold modern style, leaving it oddly sterile. Xander said they laid it out similar to the last one though, with the library in the same place. Xander had done everything to avoid working on the library section of the project. Just being on the surface of the Hellmouth was too much for him. He and several other workers had complained of frequent nightmares since work began.
"Don't see Bleach Boy anywhere," Xander said. "If he's still weeping in his crypt, you drag him out, Buffy. I don't want to see that again."
"He'll be here," Buffy said, watching Dawn spin slow circles in the hall as she tried to take in the whole half-finished school at once. "Is something wrong, Dawn?"
"I don't like this school. It has a wrong feel to it," Dawn said, her face clouded as the thoughts of her soon attending this school flooding in.
"Turning widdershins isn't a bad idea," Willow said, waving her hand at Dawn's movement. "A good banishment might be needed."
A tiny light flared at the far turn of the hall. "Thought I heard voices." Spike came around the corner and wandered into the section that actually had electrical power. "Nice to see you again, Rupert."
"Yes, well Buffy said I should speak to you," Giles said, almost surprised at the coolness in his voice. He gained nothing by aggravating Spike but the fact Spike had purposely got himself into this mess so he could hurt Buffy galled at him. And he was shocked. Spike looked awful. He had lost a large amount of weight, from where Giles didn't know. Spike had always been too thin and now he looked like a bobble head doll. Giles half expected for Spike's head to snap off under its own weight or for his cheekbones to burst through skin that seemed too small for his face. The vampire's eyes seemed overly large yet sunken at the same time.
"It's nice to see you, too, Red. How are you feeling?" Spike asked, either missing Giles' coldness or ignoring it. There was a surprising warmth to Spike's expression when he looked at Willow, it shocked them all. The only times Spike had ever looked so gentle was with Dawn or Buffy; well, not at the end of the relationship. That had been pure rage and Buffy cared never to remember that night except when it was necessary to whip herself for what she had done. That was becoming an uncomfortably regular pastime for her.
"Good is a stretch but I'm doing better," she said, astonished by the kindness she saw in his blue eyes.
Spike nodded. "I can understand that."
"Are you ready to tell us what happened to you?" Giles pushed, feeling somehow uneasy in the school.
Spike took a drag off his cigarette then slid down the wall to sit on the floor. "Buffy probably told you all about what I tried to do."
"Yes." With one word Giles dropped the temperature in the hall to freezing.
"Probably getting a good laugh at me for getting what I deserved," Spike said, rolling his eyes up to meet Giles.'
"I rarely find you funny," Giles replied.
Spike still seemed unoffended. "Yeah, well I went a little barmy I guess after." He broke off, glancing at Buffy who shuddered, turning away guiltily. "Or maybe I found myself again. Whatever. I just wanted to be who I used to be, what I'm meant to be, not some neutered pussy-whipped shade."
Buffy took a step back, shrinking in on herself. She could live without any reminders of what she had become, how low she had sunk trying to find her life's spark. And worse, some guilty corner of her soul had enjoyed the wild abandoned sex with Spike. There was a certain amount of freedom to screwing without investing one's heart in it. But the way she had treated him made her feel like a manipulative bitch and still part of her couldn't quite believe he honestly loved her. It was more like an obseession. And when he couldn't have her he had gone to great lengths to punish her.
"And this somehow led to you getting a soul?" Giles asked.
"It wasn't what I wanted but yeah, that's the long and short of it. I.I'm not even sure how I got back here. I can barely function." Spike raised his cigarette to his lips with trembling fingers.
"Why did you even come back?" Giles asked, unable to keep the harshness from coloring his voice.
Spike sniffled and Xander rolled his eyes, just waiting for the waterworks to start. "I really don't want to talk about it."
Buffy was surprised when Giles' answered 'and I would rather find somewhere else to talk.' She glanced around the half-done school uneasily. "Is something wrong, Giles?"
"I'm not sure. Something feels wrong about us being here. I know the school was our base for three years but they should have left this ground lie fallow.and salted. There has to be someplace better to talk," Giles said. "Not to mention if by chance someone notices we're here we could get arrested for trespassing."
"The Espresso Pump is still open," Buffy said. "It's not terribly private though."
"It'll do," Giles said.
"What part of 'I don't want talk' didn't you understand?" Spike asked, making no effort to move.
"I flew here specifically to talk to you and Willow interrupted her rehabilitation so you will speak to us," Giles said sternly.
"Well, I didn't ask you to." Spike pouted petulantly. It was a look that usually got him what he wanted from Dru and Harmony.
"Don't be a chuffer, Spike," Giles said, his eyes blazing with blue fire. "Personally I wouldn't have cared if Buffy had just put you out of your misery but she asked for our help so the least you can do is stop getting so tetchy and talk about this."
Spike raised an eyebrow. He, at least, knew Giles had just rather politely called him a fucker and the Watcher had a point. He swallowed a laugh, hearing Willow quietly telling Buffy Giles had gotten more English in the last few weeks since he'd been home and Buffy asking how that was possible. It almost felt like old times. "Fine. Coffee then?"
"Coffee," Buffy said definitively.
The Espresso Pump was more or less dead and they weren't sure if that was good or not. They were probably more likely to be overheard in the quiet of the shop than they would have been had the place been packed and raucous. Everyone had their drink of choice and they crowded around a table in the back. Spike just looked at his pack of cigarettes, moping. He should have suggested a bar. At least there he could have smoked.
"Are you going to talk now?" Buffy encouraged. "Tell us about the dream stuff."
Spike just sighed heavily, folding up more on his chair. His duster shifted around him. He seemed lost, like kindling wrapped in a tarp.
"Oh, for heaven's sake. At least Angel wasn't such a crybaby about this whole soul thing," Xander said, shooting a disgusted look Spike's way.
Spike laughed bitterly. "Shows what you know."
"We saw Angel after ninety years of dealing with it under his belt," Giles said placatingly. As much as he hated it, he could tell Spike was going to need coddling.
"Damn straight," Spike said. "You should have seen him back when it happened. He was such a mess even his shagbag kicked him to the curb."
"Which one? Darla or Dru?" Xander asked and Spike growled.
Buffy kicked both men under the table. "Angel told me about it a little. He said he went pretty crazy for a long time. It wasn't until he saw." She swallowed hard. "Until he saw me that he got back into life."
"Lucky us," Xander muttered and Willow put a hand on his arm.
"Yeah, there is something special about you, Buffy. Scrotty old Angel was affected by it.it dragged me under like a whirlpool. I didn't ask for this, you know," Spike said, a bit of his old fire sneaking into his voice.
"So you've said before. The dreams, Spike," Buffy said before he could launch into another tangent about his former glory.
"Don't see why I should tell you. Nothing you can do, Buffy. Not to mention your Watcher is sitting there with a face on." Spike jerked a thumb at Giles. "Doubt he will help even if he could."
Buffy looked between the two men and Willow, reading the question in Buffy's eyes, leaned in and said, "Giles looks annoyed."
Buffy shrugged. "He always looks annoyed."
"I do not!" Giles said, his annoyed look deepening. "Spike, you might be right; there's a chance there is nothing we can do, if these dreams are part and parcel of you having a soul but Buffy said you thought these dreams had nothing to do with you."
Spike nodded. "Like I'm seeing snatches of someone else's life, having someone else's dreams."
"Are they nightmares?" Willow asked.
"This whole thing is a nightmare," Spike shot back. "It starts off rough and scary, like I'm constantly afraid then it mellows to something peaceful and gentle. It feels like here in Sunnyhell is where I belong of all places. And none of that is me!"
"Maybe it used to be," Dawn suggested. "You weren't always bad or maybe it's your life in reverse."
"I was born bad," Spike lied, not about to own up to his mortal life in front of Xander and Giles. "I can't remember any specifics, no images but somehow I know you're involved, Red. Don't ask me why or how."
Willow's brow creased. "Me? Why?"
Spike reached for Willow then snatched his hand back cradling it to his chest. "I just said I didn't know. It's not like I ever gave you much thought, no offense. And even now something feels different. Seeing you again, it feels somehow right. Like you belong here with me and I'll be damned if I know why."
"Most curious," Giles said.
"Cruel is what I'd call it. Why should I be having any warm happy feelings about this.about her?" Spike snarled. "The dreams just keep coming though. I remember a little more each time but not enough to put it all together."
"Well, I do have a suggestion then. We try something to help you remember your dreams," Giles said.
Spike frowned. "Why do I get the impression this is a very bad idea?"
"Anything involving you is a bad idea," Xander snapped, a peevish look beetling his brow.
"This wanker isn't helping, is he? Cause if he is, it's a no-go," Spike said petulantly.
"It'll be me doing the spell," Giles said. "Buffy and I will come to your crypt tomorrow morning. Willow, you should be there. If somehow you're a focal point for Spike, your presence might help. You won't be doing any of the magic though."
"I still don't like this," Spike grumbled.
"Tough. Just be ready for us," Buffy said with finality.
