Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own any of the characters in Spongebob. Darn.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

Who lives in a ship that is flying through space?

Spikebob Squarepants!

The action's so hot that it's in your face!

Spikebob Squarepants!

If bounty hunting be what you wish

Spikebob Squarepants!

Then go to the lake and catch Spike a fish!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Ready? 3...2...1...let's jam!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Spikebob Squarepants!

Spikebob... Squarepants!

---

Out in space...

"I'm feeling bored," a computer voice said. "I'm gonna pull a prank!"

The voice belonged to a huge satellite that was hovering over the Earth. Suddenly, it's laser charged up and it began carving obscene words into the Earth's surface.

"Heh heh heh," the satellite chuckled.


Meanwhile, on Earth…

"Edward is ready to go!" a small girl said, typing furiously at a keyboard. "Let's see what we have here… oooh, a satellite! Edward is gonna hack it!"

Edward pressed a button. The computer voice began to sound through the room.

"Wha?" the computer voice said. "Who are you?"

"Ed is here!" Edward said. "Edward wants to know why you carved those bad words onto the Earth's surface!"

"I'm lonely," the satellite said. "You see, I used to be filled with hundreds of funny astronauts who liked to graffiti the Earth with bad words. But they all died."

"Aw, that's sad," Edward said. "You know, Ed could be your friend!"

"Really?" the satellite said.


"I'll call you Enpu!" Edward said. "Because, uh… because I can!"

Suddenly, a sinister sounding laughing came from behind Edward.


"Who's that?" Edward asked, turning around to see a tall green squid standing behind her. "Hey!"

"I'm the star of this episode now," the squid said. "Mwahahaha!"


Edward screamed.

"This chat's over," Squidward said, cutting off Enpu's connection.

---

Session 9- Jamming With Squidward

---

"257 channels and there's nothing on," Faye said, flipping through the channels on the Bebop's TV.

"There usually isn't," Spike said. "I don't know why we even have a TV."

"Don't say that!" Jet said. "Without a TV, I couldn't watch my old Baywatch reruns!"

"You know that everybody that was on that show is dead," Spike said. "Except for David Hasselhoff. He got himself cryogenically frozen somewhere."

Faye switched to channel 185. It appeared to be a news channel. A news anchor was about to read the day's news.


"Welcome to Earth News," the anchor said. "All the news on Earth that's fit to read! In today's news, thirty more meteors hit the Earth. Now, for the paranormal news. Earlier today, several obscene words were carved into South America's surface by a satellite that appears to have been hacked into by a leet haxxor."

"Ugh," Faye said. "I can't believe leet speak actually made it into the English language."

"I thought we were speaking Japanese," Spike said.

"We are," Faye said.

"I'm confused," Spike said.


"Reporting with his opinion on the satellite hackings is our guest news anchor, Crazy McGee. Crazy?" the anchor said, passing the microphone.

"Eet apeeears that aaaaliens have taken control of theeee Earth's satellites," Crazy said with a Ren Hoek-like accent.

"Aliens?" the news anchor said. "I really don't think-"

"That's right, you don't thiiiink, you VEEDIOT!" Crazy yelled. "Aliiiens are hackiiiing the Earth's satellites, and you are bliiiiind! Bliiiind I tell you! You VEEEEEDIOT!"

Crazy began beating the news anchor with a microphone. The TV broadcast was replaced with a "Please Stand By" message.

"Weird," Faye said. "That satellite is carving dirty words into the Earth's surface."

"Maybe we should stop it," Jet said.


"There's no reason to," Spike said. "No reason at all."

Faye switched the channel on the TV.

Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters

Paunch: Hello, all you bounty hunters out there!

Judy: Today, we've got a big bounty for you to catch!

Paunch: That's right!

Judy: It appears that a hacker is using one of the Earth's decommissioned satellites to carve obscenities into the Earth's surface!

Paunch: And that's bad!

Judy: If you can catch this obscene prankster, you get 15 million wulongs!

Paunch: That's a lot of (bleep) bread!

Judy: Paunch, have you been reading the Earth's surface again?

Paunch: I guess I have!

Judy: Bad Paunch! Bad!

---

"Okay, I'm convinced," Spike said. "Let's go to Earth."

---

Meanwhile…

"Glad that's over," Squidward said, locking the closet door. "Now I can be a Cowboy Bebop character loved by millions, instead of a Spongebob Squarepants character loved by hundreds of thousands!"

Squidward cackled evilly. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Who could that be?" Squidward asked. He opened the door to see two cops.

"We've gotten reports that the hacker lives here," one of the cops said.

"His name is Radical Edward," the other cop said. "He's been carving profanities into the Earth's surface."

"Nope, he's not here," Squidward said.

"Are you sure?" one of the cops asked.

"We need to search the premises," the other cop said. "Starting with the closet."

"You can't search the closet!" Squidward said.

"And why not?" the cop asked.

"Because, uh… it's contimated with anthrax!" Squidward said.

"Oh my," one of the cops said. "Anthrax?"

"Let's get out of here," the other cop said. "Poor guy. You do know anthrax is fatal, don't you?"

"Yeah," Squidward said. "Goodbye."

Squidward closed the door.

"Whew," Squidward sighed. "That was close."

A banging noise came from the closet.


"Would you pipe down in there?" Squidward yelled. He noticed Edward's computer sitting on a table. "Hmmm… wonder what I can do with this?"

---

Meanwhile, in the village…

"Have you seen the hacker?" Jet asked a man that was standing next to a bar.


"No," the man said, "but I heard he's dangerous. He's twenty feet tall, and he eats children. His name is Radical Edward."

"Oh my goodness," Jet said.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"He's dangerous!" Jet said. "He eats children!"

"I don't think that Edward's that dangerous," Spike said. "I think that guy was lying to you."

"Hey Jet," Faye said, staring at a box sitting by Jet. "what's that?"

"It's some food I brought back from Earth," Jet said. "I don't know what it is, but I wouldn't eat it if I were you. Nothing good ever comes from Earth."

"Just because Goku farted on it 50 years ago doesn't mean you have to be racist toward it," Spike said, eating the food in the box. "Wait, you're right, this food is nasty."

"I told you," Jet said. "Now you're gonna get some kind of disease from it."

"Ha ha," Faye laughed. "Spike's gonna get a disease!"

"Shut up," Spike said. Suddenly, the computer on the Bebop flashed on.

"Hey," Faye said. "Who is that?"

Squidward's face appeared on the computer screen.


"Uh, hello?" Squidward said. "Anybody here?"

"Hey you!" Jet yelled. "You hacked into our ship!"

"I didn't mean to," Squidward said.

"You must be the hacker," Spike said. "So, you hacker… why did you carve cuss words into the Earth?"

"I didn't do anything!" Squidward protested.

"He's right," the computer voice said. "I did."

"Hey, you," Squidward said. "Shut up."

"Why don't you stop shoving people into closets, you impostor!" the computer yelled.


"What are you talking about?" Faye asked.

"That does it," Spike said. "I'm coming down there and arresting you in the name of the Moon. I mean, in the name of half the moon, since the other half got blown up. I mean, in the name of bounty hunting. Yeah, that's it."

"No, you can't come down here!" Squidward yelled.

"Now we have to come down there," Faye said.

"No!" Squidward yelled. The computer screen shut off.

"Something funny's going on," Spike said. "And I'm getting to the bottom of it."

"Good for you, Spike!" Jet said.

"Let's go," Faye said.

---

On Earth, in front of Edward's house…

"Hello?" Spike said, knocking on the door. "I know you're in there, hacker."

"He's not a hacker," Faye said. "He's a demented otaku with smelly feet."

"He's a HACKER," Spike said.

"What's the difference?" Jet asked.

"Everything!" Spike and Faye yelled. The door opened.


"Uh, hello," Squidward said. "Welcome to my humble home. Notice how there's nothing strange going on here at all."

"We'll be the judge of that," Spike said as he, Faye, and Jet walked into the house. Several pieces of furniture were piled up in front of the closet.


"What's in there?" Faye asked, pointing to the closet.

"Anthrax," Squidward said.

"Oh," Faye said. Spike, Faye, and Jet began looking around.

"This is the computer he used to hack with!" Spike said. He picked it up. "We'll need this as evidence!"

"No!" Squidward yelled. "I'm not a hacker!"

"He's an impostor," came a voice from the computer. "Please put me down."

"A talking computer," Spike said. "What'll they think of next?"

Spike set the computer down.

"Tell us everything," Spike said.


"Let me start at the beginning!" the computer said. "You see, Squidward doesn't really-"

"Shut up, you stupid computer!" Squidward yelled.


"Why don't you shut up?" Faye said.

"That would be good," Jet added.

"Whatever the computer says, it's lying!" Squidward yelled. "It's an evil lying computer thing!"

"No, Squidward," the computer said. "You're the liar."

"La la la, I can't hear you," Squidward yelled, covering his ears. "La la la la-"

The pieces of furniture that were piled up near the closet began falling down.


"Aaah!" Squidward screamed.

"Is there an earthquake going on?" Jet asked.

"Sounds like there's something in that closet besides anthrax," Faye said.

"No!" Squidward said. "It's just, uh…"

The closet door flew open. The bound and gagged Edward fell out.

"Well well well," Spike said. "You're one of those child abductor sickos."

"No!!!" Squidward yelled. "Let me explain!


Edward broke free from her bonds and jumped on Squidward's head.

"You're mean to Edward!" Edward yelled, gnawing on Squidward's head.

"You see, Edward lives here," the computer said. "So Squidward shoved her in a closet and took her place. I saw everything."

"Oh," Faye said. "That explains a lot."

"Take this!" Edward yelled, punting Squidward out into space. "Yay! Victory for Edward!"

"Uh… hi," Spike said. "My name's Spike. And you must be the famous hacker Radical Edward."

"Uh-huh!" Edward said. "My name is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th!"

"Whoa," Jet said. "Long name."

"Can I join you guys?" Edward asked. "Please?"

"No," Spike said. "I hate kids."

Edward's eyes got all wobbly and shimmery. She stared at Spike.


"Ugh," Spike said. "It's that look. Fine, you can join Bebop."

"Yay!" Edward yelled. "Bebop! Bebop!"

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"There's three things I hate," Spike said. "Kids…"

Edward smiled.

"Dogs."

Ein barked.

"And women with attitudes."

"WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT REMARK?" Faye yelled.

"Nothing," Spike said.

"I'M GONNA KISS YOU, SPIKE SPIEGEL!" Faye screamed.

"Don't you mean, 'kill'?" Jet said.

"Oh yeah. What did I say before?" Faye asked.

"Never mind," Jet said.

See you, space cowboy...

---

Jet: Next time on Bebop, I actually get some decent screen time.

Faye: God, this episode's gonna be boring.


Jet: Shut up! I'm the star, and that's the bottom line, because Jet said so!


Spike: Hey, that's my line.

Jet: Shut up! Everyone has to shut up, because the next episode is all about me! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Jet Is The Star"!

Faye: Couldn't you come up with a better episode name than that?

Jet: Shut up!