Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. This episode happens to be one big anti-smoking ad. You've been warned.

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"I win again," Faye said. "Give me your pants."

Jet sighed.


"This is the last time I ever play strip poker with you," Jet said, taking off his pants. "The rewards may be great, but I never ever win."

Jet was left standing in only his underwear.

"Wanna play again?" Faye asked. "Wait, don't. For all our sakes."

"Faye's got that right," Spike said.

"Not funny," Jet said.

"Hee hee, Faye-Faye won!" Edward said, rocking back and forth in her chair.

"That does it," Jet grumbled. "I'm going to the laundry room to get my other clothes."

"You'd better," Faye said. "I'm about to vomit."

"Shut up!" Jet yelled. Spike, Faye, and Ed laughed at him. Even Ein laughed. And Ein's a dog. It's funny because, y'know, dogs don't laugh. You get it? Huh? Dogs don't laugh! Ha ha ha! Ha- Okay, I'll stop now.

---

In the laundry room…

Jet grumbled as he searched for his spare clothes.

"I can't believe she always beats me at strip poker," Jet grumbled. "Every single time. It's not fair."

Finally, Jet found his spare clothes. He grabbed them out of the hamper and put them on.

"Geez," Jet said. "I need a cigarette."

Jet reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He began smoking one.

"Ah," Jet said. "This is the life."

"Yes it is," came an evil-sounding voice from behind Jet.


"Wha?" Jet said, turning around. "Aaaah!"

---

Session 11- Smokin' In The Toys' Room

---

"What was that?" Faye yelled.

"I don't know," Spike said. "Best not to worry about it."

"It sounded like Jet-person!" Edward said. "And he was screaming like a girl!"

"Really?" Faye said. "This I gotta see!"

Spike, Faye, and Edward ran to the source of the screaming.

"Oh no!" Edward gasped.

Jet was lying on the floor, unconscious.


"Whoa," Spike said. "What got to him?"

Faye lifted his head and saw two bite marks on his neck.

"Looks like he was bitten," Faye said.

"Well, that's just great," Spike said. "We've got rats on the Bebop."

"Looks like a vampire bit him!" Edward said.

"A vampire?" Faye asked. "No way."

"Yup, a vampire!" Edward said. "Ooooh! They're really scary!"

"Vampires don't exist," Spike said.


"That's right," Faye said.

---

A short time later…

Jet was still unconscious. He was lying on the couch.

"What do we do now?" Faye asked.


"Wait for him to heal, I guess," Spike said.

"I'm tired of waiting. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette," Faye said.

"Can Edward go with Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.

"Kids can't smoke," Spike said.

"Edward isn't going to smoke!" Edward said. "Edward just wants to keep Faye-Faye company!"

"Whatever," Faye said, walking off. Edward followed her.

"If you see a rat, kill it!" Spike yelled.

---

In the break room of the Bebop…

"Cigarettes are bad!" Edward said.

"Then why did you come with me?" Faye asked, lighting a cigarette in her hand.

"Edward told you! To keep you company!" Edward said.

"Whatever," Faye said.

"Is Faye-Faye mad?" Edward asked.

"Yes, Faye-Faye is mad. Why don't you just go-"

Faye gasped.

"Who are you?" Faye asked.

"Wha?" Edward said, turning around. "Oh no!"

Faye and Edward screamed.

---

"What was that?" Spike yelled, running into the break room. "Oh man!"

Faye and Edward were both unconscious on the floor. They both had the bite marks on their necks.

"Hoo boy," Spike sighed. "Looks like the rats got them too."

"It wasn't rats, Mr. Spiegel," said a creepy voice from behind Spike.

"Hey!" Spike said, turning around. There was only smoke behind him. "Who said that?"

No answer.


"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Spike yelled.

No answer.

"Okay, fine, don't talk to me," Spike said.

No answer.

"Darn, I thought my reverse psychocolegy would work," Spike said. "Oh well."

Some time later…

The unconscious Faye, Edward, and Jet were all spread out on the floor.

"Hey, I could play a funny prank," Spike said, taking an ink marker from a table. He walked over to Jet, Faye, and Edward, and drew on their faces.

Spike frowned.

"It's only funny when they wake up," Spike said. He sighed and put the marker away. "What do I do?"

"Why don't you light up a cigarette?" the creepy voice asked.

"That sounds like a good idea," Spike said. He took a cigarette out of his pocket and began to light it. "Waaaait. How do I know that that's exactly what you want me to do?"

"I'd never give you a bum steer, Spike," the creepy voice said. "You know that you're my favorite customer."

The voice laughed.


"I don't want to smoke right now," Spike said.

"C'mon," the voice said. "I'm smoooooth and miiiiild."

"Oh man," Spike said. "You're really making it hard for me not to smoke."

"Good," the voice said.

"That does it!" Spike yelled. "I'm coming after you!"

Spike unsheathed his gun and stormed off. Don't ask me how you unsheathe a gun. I'm a sword fan, okay?

---

In the dark, creepy, scary, horrifying, terrifying halls of the Bebop, Spike was creeping around, holding his gun.

"Okay, you whatever you are," Spike said. "Come out!"

No answer.

"Face me like a man!" Spike yelled.

No answer.

"Please?" Spike said.

No answer.


"Argh!" Spike yelled in frustration. "You are going down!"

Spike pointed his gun at the darkness and fired off three shots.

"Ow!" the creepy voice said.

"I hit it?" Spike asked.

"Uh… no. You didn't hit me! Uh… why don't you have a smoke?" the voice asked.

"Not that again," Spike said. "I've gone forty whole minutes without a cigarette. I can go forty more."

Spike frowned.

"Oh God, no I can't! I gotta have a cigarette now!" Spike yelled, fumbling through his pockets until he found what he wanted: his pack of cigarettes. He took one out and lit it up. Then, he put the cigarette in his mouth.

"You're mine now, Spike Spiegel," the creepy voice said.

"Go away. I'm enjoying myself," Spike said.

Suddenly, the smoke from the cigarette came together and wisped itself into a solid form: a vampire.

"Vampire!" Spike yelled.


"That's right," the vampire said. "My name is Winston, the Smoking Vampire. And you have fallen into my mighty trap of addiction!"

"Really?" Spike said.

"That's right," Winston said. "I've already bitten your friends, and now, I'm gonna bite you!"

"Wait," Spike said. "Edward doesn't smoke. How did you get her?"

"Second-hand smoke, my friend," Winston said with a smirk on his face. "It kills far more people than first-hand smoke does."

"Wow," Spike said.


"You see, smoking contains hundreds of dangerous chemicals, like arsenic and formaldehyde. For hundreds of years, people have smoked. But there was just enough cigarette smoke concentrated in this ship's air for it to react," Winston said.

"React?" Spike said.

"That's right," Winston said. "All of the chemicals in the ship made a chemical reaction that created me! Winston, the Smoking Vampire!"

Winston laughed.


"And now, I'm going to bite your neck!" Winston said.

"Wait," Spike said. "You said that I was your beloved customer. You wouldn't really bite your beloved customers, would you?"

"I never thought of that," Winston said.

"Ha! Take this!" Spike yelled, shooting Winston in the chest. Winston staggered back.

"Noooo! You shot me!" Winston yelled. "Wait, I'm a vampire. I'm immortal!"

Winston laughed. He grabbed his chest and doubled over in pain.


"That still really hurts," Winston said.

"Good!" Spike said.

"Dude, I'm just gonna bite you now, okay?" Winston said, sinking his fangs into Spike's neck.

"Crap," Spike said. "That hurt."

Spike fell over, unconscious.

"Mwahaha! I have defeated the crew of Bebop!" the vampire yelled triumphantly. "Now to kill my helpless victims!"

Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash of light. A big robot appeared in front of Winston.

"Who are you?" Winston asked.

"My name is Deus Ex Machina," the robot said. "You see, it seems that the author of this fanfic, while being the best fanfic author in the history of the Internet, sometimes, very rarely, writes himself into a corner."

"So?" Winston asked.

"So I'm gonna have to kill you and heal the Bebop crew. You do understand, right?" Deus said.

"No," Winston said.

"Too bad! Hasta la vista, baby!" Deus yelled, blasting Winston into oblivion.

---

Sometime later…

"Wha?" Spike said, sitting up. "Where am I?"

Spike looked around, holding his head.

"I must have been dreaming," Spike said. "I dreamt a vampire attacked, and that I marked ugly symbols all over Jet, Faye, and Ed's faces."

Spike laughed.

"Good thing it was only a dream," Spike said. "Yup."

"MY FACE! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, SPIKE SPIEGEL!" Faye yelled from the other room.

"Crap," Spike said. He flopped onto his back and fell asleep.

Knowledge is contagious...

---

Spike: Next time on Bebop…


Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Faye: What are they cheering about?

Crowd: Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!

Jet: What's all the commotion?

Crowd: Jet sucks! Jet sucks! Jet sucks!

Edward: Huh? Edward is confused!

Crowd: That girl looks like a boy! That girl looks like a boy! That girl looks like a boy!

Spike: Next time on Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Jupiter Jerry- Part 1".

Crowd: Bebop! Bebop! Bebop!