Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own the Jerry Springer series. (Not like I'd want to, TV Guide said it was the worst show ever, and they're always right! I think.)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Hey Spike," Jet said.

"Yeah, Jet?" Spike said.


"Faye's gone. And she took all of the money in the ship," Jet said.


"What?" Spike yelled. "Faye's gone?"

Spike began crying uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you, Spike?" Jet asked.

"FAYE'S GONE!" Spike cried. "WAAAAH!"

"Stop that," Jet said, smacking Spike on the head.

"Oh," Spike said. "I meant, uh… the money's gone. Waaah."

"Sure, Spike," Jet said. "Well, I'm going to go after our money."

"Good for you, Jet. I wonder where Faye went," Spike said.

"Faye-Faye said she was buying a ticket for a show called Jerry Springer!" Edward said.

"Jerry Springer?" Spike asked. "Ed, run a search for everyone who bought tickets to that show."

"Okey-dokey, Spike-person!" Edward said, typing furiously on her computer. "The show is in Callisto for their Springer Break tour!"

"Find out who bought tickets," Spike said.


"Finding!" Edward said. "Oooh! No Faye-Faye, but Ed found somebody named Julia!"

"Julia?" Spike said.


"Yep!" Edward said. "Julia's gonna be a guest on the show!"

"Jet, I'm going to Callisto!" Spike said.


"Jet-person just left!" Edward said. "He's going to Callisto to find Faye-Faye!"

"It figures," Spike said.

---

Session 12: Jupiter Jerry (Part 1)

---

In a bar in Callisto…

"So, has anyone here seen a woman named Faye?" Jet asked.

"No," the bartender said. "This is a gay bar."

"Wha?" Jet said.


"No woman's been on Callisto in ten years," the bartender said. "So everybody had to be gay."

"Wow, Callisto must really suck," Jet said. "There aren't any women at all!"

"It's not as bad as you think," the bartender said. "My boyfriend kind of looks like a woman."

"And there's so many gay people here, that Jerry Springer came to film an episode!" one of the men in the bar said.

"It's the ultimate thrill to have Jerry Springer film an episode of his show on your planet. Or moon," the bartender said.

"I see," Jet said. "Well, I'd best be going then."

---

Meanwhile, in another bar across the street…

Faye sighed.


"Everybody on this planet is a man, but they're all gay," Faye said. "I feel so alone."

A man with long, purple hair was playing his saxophone on the stage.

"That song's so beautiful," Faye said. "But it's so sad."

The man stopped playing the song and walked up to Faye.

"Hello there," the man said. "My name's Gren Saxophone. I haven't seen a woman here in a long time."

"Hello there, Mr. Saxophone. My name's Faye. Are you gay too?" Faye asked.

"Of course not," Gren said. "Not when I'm with a vision of beauty like you."

"How flattering," Faye said.

"What are you on Callisto for?" Gren asked.

"Well, I was going to buy a ticket for Jerry Springer, but they were sold out," Faye said.

"Jerry Springer's a great show," Gren said.

"I know!" Faye said. "That's why I wanted to see it!"

"Well, maybe next time. He's going to Ganymede next," Gren said.

"I wanted to see this one," Faye said. "Oh well."

Faye got up.


"Are you leaving?" Gren asked.

"Yeah," Faye said. "Bye."

Faye left.

---

Meanwhile, in the streets of the town…

"I gotta find Julia," Spike said. "I haven't seen her in ages!"

Suddenly, a transvestite walked up to Spike.

"Hey there," the transvestite said. "Are you gonna be a guest on Jerry Springer too?"

"No," Spike said. "But Julia is."

Spike picked up the transvestite by his shirt collar.


"Okay, you," Spike said. "I know you've seen Julia!"

"What?" the transvestite said.


"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!" Spike yelled. "I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN JULIA!"

"But-"

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!" Spike yelled. "I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN JULIA!"

"I haven't-"

"I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT!" Spike yelled. He shoved the transvestite into a trash can.

"Hey," said a burly man from behind Spike. "That was my boyfriend you just tossed into a trash can!"

"No, he was my boyfriend!" another burly man said.

"You're both wrong! He was mine!" yet another burly man said.

"Oh yeah?" the first burly man said. "I slept with him first!"

"You slept with him?" burly man #3 asked. "He never slept with me! You (bleep)!"

The three burly men began punching and kicking each other.

"You guys caught the Springer fever," Spike said. "I'm outta here."

Spike slowly slinked away.

---

Meanwhile, Faye was walking through the streets.

"It's so cold on Callisto," Faye said. "I'm cold and scared!"

Faye began crying.

"Wait a minute," Faye said. "I hear something!"

Suddenly, Faye was surrounded by angry gay men.


"Why didn't you come sooner?" the first gay man yelled.

"We all had to go gay because women didn't come on our planet!" another man yelled.

"Not that there's anything wrong with it," another man said. The five others agreed.

"O…..kay…." Faye said. "Well, I'm just gonna be going now."

"Not so fast!" one of the men yelled. "We're still mad at you!"

"For what?" Faye asked.


"Nothing," the gay man said. "Get her!"

The angry gay men attacked Faye. Faye managed to hold them off for a while, but soon, they proved to be too much for her. Until…

"Faye!" Gren yelled, beating the men with his saxophone. "Come on!"

"Mr. Saxophone?" Faye said.

"C'mon!" Gren yelled, clearing a path through the gay men and motioning for Faye to follow.

"Okay!" Faye yelled.


Gren and Faye ran away from the angry gay men until they got to Gren's apartment. Faye and Gren ran inside.

---

Meanwhile, Spike was continuing to walk through the streets.

"This sucks," Spike said. "I'm trying to find Julia, and the only people I'm finding are gay men. Not that there's anything wrong with that…"

"Psst!" somebody whispered. Spike turned around.

"Who are you?" Spike said.

"I'm the only guy on this planet that's not gay," the man said. "I've been waiting for a woman to show up for ten years."

"And?" Spike said. "Did you see Julia?"

"Yeah," the man said. "I also saw this grey-haired dude."

"Vicious," Spike said. "I should have known."

"Vicious is his name?" the man asked. "He's standing outside the backstage entrance of the building they're having that Springer show in. I think he's waiting for you."

"Thanks," Spike said, running off.

---

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd chanted.

"Hello, and welcome to a special edition of Jerry Springer!" Jerry Springer said. "Today's stop on our Springer Break tour takes us to the cold moon of Callisto, and the topic of today's show is: Callisto's Gayest Men Reveal Their Sexual Fantasies!"

The crowd cheered.

"Our first guest is a guy named Butch," Jerry said, pointing to a bald man with big muscles.

"Hello there, Jerry," Butch said.

"Now, Butch, you said that you wanted to reveal your fantasy on my show," Jerry said.


"That's right, Jerry," Butch said.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" the crowd cheered.

"And what would that be?" Jerry asked.

"Well, Jerry, I always wanted to make out with my boyfriend in a bathtub filled with live fire ants," Butch said.


"Wouldn't that hurt?" Jerry asked.

"That's the way I like it!" Butch said. The crowd went into a frenzy.

---

Meanwhile, at Gren's apartment…

Faye stepped out of the shower and put on a bath robe that had been hanging on the wall. She walked out into the main room.

"Hey there," Gren said.


"Hi," Faye said. "I haven't had a good shower in days. So Gren, why do you like to play the saxophone?"

"I don't know," Gren said. "I guess I always liked blowing on things."

"Eh?" Faye asked.


"It's nothing," Gren said. "I'm going to go take a shower myself now."

Gren walked past Faye into the bathroom and shut the door.

"How rude," Faye said.

---

Meanwhile, outside the Jerry Springer building…

"Gren should have been here by now," Lin said.

"Patience, young Padawan," Vicious said. "Don't center on your anxieties. Keep your focus in the here and now, where it belongs."

"Yes, master," Lin said.

"Hey Vicious!" Spike yelled, running up to Vicious and Lin. "I've still got to kill you!"

"Whoop de doo," Vicious said. "I've got a trash TV talk show to be on, and I have no time for you."

"Too bad!" Spike yelled, pulling out his gun.

---

"Gren's been in there a long time," Faye said. "Most men don't spend more than a few minutes in the shower."

Faye went into the bathroom.


"Hey!" Faye yelled. "Get out of there!"

The water stopped. The curtain opened.

"Eeek! You're a woman!" Faye yelled.

"Oh, ya think?" Gren said. "Way to go, Einstein."

---

"Vicious, you're going to fight me!" Spike yelled.

"No," Vicious said. "Lin, shoot him."

Lin took out his gun and shot Spike in the chest. Spike gasped and fell to the ground.

"Good job, young Padawan," Vicious said. "You'll make a good Syndicate leader someday."

Vicious opened the door to the Jerry Springer building and went inside with Lin, leaving Spike lying unconscious in the snow.

To be continued...

---

Spike: Next time on Bebop…

Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!


Faye: Would you just stop?

Crowd: Let us see! Let us see! Let us see!

Spike: I didn't know Gren was a girl.


Faye: Well, he is.

Jet: Poor guy. I mean, poor girl.


Ed: Why isn't Edward in this episode?

Jerry Springer: Next time on Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Jupiter Jerry- Part 2".

Crowd: Bebop! Bebop! Bebop!

Faye: Stop that!